Twins Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 So I've been on and off this site for couple of months. My BF of 7 years told me he met someone else. Well, I had really hard time. Ran into them and lost all kinds of weight, cried every day, etc. Well, we had been LC the whole time. But I was starting to move on. Go out more, etc. Didn't really date as I wasn't ready, but I was pushing myself. Still am. Well, he has been calling me now everyday. He told me he still loved me. That he thinks of me everyday. Now I get it. Doesn't mean anything yet. But its a start to what I don't know. But I do know he tells me the truth. I love him still, but am insecure now about the future. Just need to take one day at a time. I never call him. He initiates and we have not slept together and he knows I won't. We are simply talking more. I'll take any advice.
HumptyDumpty Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 well, problem here is the trust thing! He met someone else and left you in the rain! If there were a second chance: wouldn't you fear it'll happen again? Or that you're the rebound since his relationship didn't work out with the other girl! Sure, the dream is to get back together but the problems aren't resolved! So, after all this suffering already, do you want to go back to square one when it happens again? As for now, move on and keep things light. It might be that he's stringing you along or keeping you as a back-up... I mean seriously: words, that he loves you, what do they mean when there are no actions? They stay empty, no? So, best thing would be to keep things light and friendly, as to cool things off, offering you some distance since with all this hurt, it seems so simple to fall back into his arms. here, your ex has to do some work and effort in order for you to trust him again! You need a new ground to start off fresh and trust! Please don't get your hopes up high, otherwise you'll only be deceived. It's over for the moment so don't rush into anything. 1
Gulf-Delta Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 You need to just take thing slow....IF that's really what you want. You need to do some soul searching. And if you do decide you want your guy back you need to lay out EXACTLY what he needs to do to get you back, let him know your expectations and what you need/want from a relationship. And if you decide you want him again, you have to let go of the trust issues, and forgive him. You cannot start anew with him unless you REALLY start a new. You need to forgive his past sins, and you both need to be new people and treat it as a brand new relationship...at least in the beginning.
JasonRules Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Let me tell you what REALLY happened. Your guy was with you for 7 years. He was probably bored or didn't feel excitement about the relationship anymore. He met someone new who excited him. He dumped you in order to date the new woman and have sex with her guilt free. He probably had a lot of fun, but now he's realized that this new woman is not for him in the long term. So what does he do? He goes back to the comfortable, the knowing, the familiar, and the stable. And since you're on here asking what you should do it sounds to me that you are already prepared to welcome him back by being the doormat in this relationship. But, if you like being a doormat and disrespecting yourself who am I to judge? Make sure to go buy a cute outfit and cook him a nice dinner for his "Welcome back home" party...he sounds like a great catch.
Author Twins Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Actually, we were on and off for an entire year. We were "off" when he told me. He just wanted to be honest. People go through things in their life. So he didn't dump me for someone else. I believe we both still love each other and always will, but now we are both a little nervous and just taking it slow. I'm not a doormat and actually, I'm dissappointed with the negativity here. I thought people would be more encouraging. I haven't done anything but talk to him. I'm still moving forward. I'm just not doing NC in hopes of getting my man back. We've never gone more than two weeks with NC. I loved him enough to let him figure out some things. I see why so many divorce rates. I do agree that I will have to forgive and not look back, but I see that will be hard for me. Not sure I can do it. I am just at the beginning of starting open hearted discussions.
JasonRules Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Actually, we were on and off for an entire year. We were "off" when he told me. He just wanted to be honest. People go through things in their life. So he didn't dump me for someone else. I believe we both still love each other and always will, but now we are both a little nervous and just taking it slow. I'm not a doormat and actually, I'm dissappointed with the negativity here. I thought people would be more encouraging. I haven't done anything but talk to him. I'm still moving forward. I'm just not doing NC in hopes of getting my man back. We've never gone more than two weeks with NC. I loved him enough to let him figure out some things. I see why so many divorce rates. I do agree that I will have to forgive and not look back, but I see that will be hard for me. Not sure I can do it. I am just at the beginning of starting open hearted discussions. Well if you were "off" (whatever that means) then technically he wasn't your boyfriend. To me, two people who love and are committed to each other don't go "on and off" for an entire year. If they have issues they talk/deal with the and move forward.
Author Twins Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 I guess I should have said my ex BF. Well it's not always that simple. But I get your point. I guess that is where we may be right now. Talking and moving forward, whatever way that ends up.
Author Twins Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 This is suppose to be the second chances area. I guess I just wanted to give some people hope that their exes do come back even if they were originally the dumper. It has been 4.5 months.
JasonRules Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 This is suppose to be the second chances area. I guess I just wanted to give some people hope that their exes do come back even if they were originally the dumper. It has been 4.5 months. No worries, but I think you have to re-evaluate your "on/off" thing. For example, imagine if your mother or father was "on/off" being a mother/father/parent. I think you get my point...
Author Twins Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 My challenge is how to handle the conversations. Sometimes we need to talk about expectations and changes and then othert times I just want it to be easy and light. A good mix of communication. And Of course, actions speak louder than words, so I'll be looking at his actions.
Gulf-Delta Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 No worries, but I think you have to re-evaluate your "on/off" thing. For example, imagine if your mother or father was "on/off" being a mother/father/parent. I think you get my point... What is it like living in hollywood movie?
Stanza Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Hi Twins, I tried to Private Message you but you have the option not set up
TaraMaiden Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 You haven't been members long enough... or had sufficient posts.
favoritepills Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 This is suppose to be the second chances area. I guess I just wanted to give some people hope that their exes do come back even if they were originally the dumper. I understand that, but to me it just seems a little...cheapened, when the dumper only comes back after things didn't work out with the new girl/guy. I wouldn't want to be anybody's backup plan or consolation prize. But you know him better than I do, and it's up to you to determine what your threshold is for second chances. What is it like living in hollywood movie? Grow up. Steady, stable, break-up-free relationships do not only exist in Hollywood movies. And while on-again-off-again relationships are still salvageable, they are at least worth reconsidering, as JasonRules suggested.
Gulf-Delta Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Grow up. Steady, stable, break-up-free relationships do not only exist in Hollywood movies. And while on-again-off-again relationships are still salvageable, they are at least worth reconsidering, as JasonRules suggested. I agree. What I took from Jason's post is that relationships that are on/off are not worth working at. I was saying the opposite.
Author Twins Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Well I don't believe he has dumped her yet. I can't say for sure. I am not acknowledging her in any conversation. I know I'm on some pretty thin ice here. I think he is very confused and if he loved her, he wouldn't be calling me. People who truly move on, move on. He said he couldn't be my friend. I said the same. Talked briefly on Saturday and that was it. I still went about doing my thing. I went to party Saturday night. If I meet someone, I meet someone. But I'm just not jumping into anything. Whether him or anyone else. Just doing my thing and keeping options open. So I don't think it's about me being backup.
Stanza Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I suppose the challenge is like you say, keeping it light in conversations but still steering it to the end goal. I'd say you have to keep it light to be a 'safe' place for him to go - i.e. someone he can come to to talk or spend time with and when he does that just win an inch at a time in the right direction... I would say he's really not happy with the rebound if he's talking to you. Definitely. I suppose your biggest challenge will be getting it from on/off to more stable if you can get together again.
Author Twins Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Well, honestly, I don't think it's been long enough for me and he will need to show me that he is moving away from her and more toward me. I'm definately not calling, chasing, waiting, etc. I'm doing my thing. He knows I love him, but not waiting either. I'm sure he would be devastated if I slept with someone else.
Stanza Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Yes, I bet he would be too. sounds like you're handling it pretty good to me.
Author Twins Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 The truth is, even though I get stronger each day, I'm really scared that if he doesn't come back, i'll never find another love like I had for him. I'm not in my 30's anymore. It took me a lifetime to find someone to love like I love him. He told me he loved me the very first time we were together. He just told me that last week. It's just so hard to find that kind of love in life. I've cared for other men deeply, but not like this one. Well, really not sure if I should answer the phone when he calls. Don't want to play games, but don't want to get hurt either. Here's to staying the course though. Keep moving forward. Thanks for the advice and responses.
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