KansasChica Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 So, I'm now close to eight months broken up from the guy I thought was the love of my life. I'd never felt that way about anyone. For most of my 20s, I was a huge commitment-phobe. I would like a guy, we would date, and then I would push him away. I finally got to the point where I knew I needed help and got therapy. A little later, I met my ex and fell for him HARD. I see now, months later, that we both had trust issues. I recognize what I did wrong and I seriously think that he broke up with me because of his severe insecurity and trust (he's never been to therapy) and has never looked back. Logically, there were so many issues and problems- no communication, I was his first serious girlfriend, etc. but at the same time, I'd never been happier in all my life. I don't know...I just feel like my heart has hardened again and my cynicism is winning out. Guys flirt with me, but I feel nothing for them. Just dead inside. I know myself and I know that I have a very hard time falling for guys. Very hard time. There's a new guy that's interested in me, but I just don't get the giddy butterflies for him like I did with my ex. I'm in my 30s now and I'm just losing hope I guess. Sigh....The emotional roller coaster continues forward.
KatZee Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 So, I'm now close to eight months broken up from the guy I thought was the love of my life. I'd never felt that way about anyone. For most of my 20s, I was a huge commitment-phobe. I would like a guy, we would date, and then I would push him away. I finally got to the point where I knew I needed help and got therapy. A little later, I met my ex and fell for him HARD. I see now, months later, that we both had trust issues. I recognize what I did wrong and I seriously think that he broke up with me because of his severe insecurity and trust (he's never been to therapy) and has never looked back. Logically, there were so many issues and problems- no communication, I was his first serious girlfriend, etc. but at the same time, I'd never been happier in all my life. I don't know...I just feel like my heart has hardened again and my cynicism is winning out. Guys flirt with me, but I feel nothing for them. Just dead inside. I know myself and I know that I have a very hard time falling for guys. Very hard time. There's a new guy that's interested in me, but I just don't get the giddy butterflies for him like I did with my ex. I'm in my 30s now and I'm just losing hope I guess. Sigh....The emotional roller coaster continues forward. You're just jaded right now. And that's fine. You went through a rough experience. You sound like me. Up until my most recent ex I never really had DEEP relationships. Sure I have been with people but it never felt like "the love of my life" type of deal, so I just coasted through life, going from relationship to relationship... then I met the ex. It was literally love at first sight for both of us. But like you guys... he too had deep insecurities. He was so good at hiding these insecurities that I never picked up on them. Instead, he was extremely critical of me, made me feel I wasn't good enough. Come to find out... he was just trying to knock me down to his level to make himself feel better. We also never communicated either. He would just run into his little cave and ignore me for days, and then emerge like nothing had happened. He always had to have some sort of "power" to one up me, and this destroyed myself esteem. Regardless, I truly did love him. We're 3 months post breakup and I can clearly see how jaded I am. I have no interest to be in a relationship. My trust level is null and void. Guys hit on me, try to date me, and I just roll my eyes like, "for real guy?" That's not to say I'm unhappy. I don't go through my days with any sadness, and I'm enjoying just focusing on myself... but at the same time, I realize I'm just coasting. Existing, if you will. I am doing my best but nothing really makes me go YAYYY!! I'm not super excited about anything that goes on, I'm just like... "meh, whatevs." I'm sure this phase will eventually just taper off as time goes on, and it will for you too. You'll find happiness again in time, just feel each emotion as it comes, also just realize this guy really wasn't the love of your life. Nor was mine, even though I thought he was.
Author KansasChica Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Thanks for responding! Yeah, I think you're right. Jaded is a good word. I really spent a lot of time in denial after the breakup thinking he would come to his senses. He told me about a month ago that he still loved me and missed me (yeah, sure), but he still wanted to date others. I know I have to accept him for his word, but he hasn't even attempted to date other girls. It's just frustrating.
KatZee Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 He told me about a month ago that he still loved me and missed me (yeah, sure), but he still wanted to date others. I know I have to accept him for his word, but he hasn't even attempted to date other girls. It's just frustrating. I won't say he doesn't or didn't love/miss you. But not enough to stay with you. He wants to see what else is out there, same with my ex. And even though my ex said he didn't want to date, I found out he is/was. He could very well be doing something you're not aware of.
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