KMC1990 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Quick Backstory: Dated my ex for 4.5 years. We broke up a little less than two weeks ago - I acted as though it was mutual, though in reality I definitely feel like I was dumped. Used the cliche that "he loves me, but isn't IN love with me". Said he still wants to be a part of my life and eventually friends. Possible GIGS. He said if I texted him he'd answer, and I said he can contact me at any time, but he hasn't and I haven't. No suspicion of cheating while we were together. Told me he's not romantically interested in anyone else and doesn't plan on dating for a while. After being busy all day I usually feel okay by night and confident I can be okay without him. However in the mornings I've been waking up very early....crying as soon as I wake up, especially after I check my phone and see he hasn't called or texted. I'm devastated by his lack of communication and the fact that I have no idea how he's handling the break-up....I dreamed about him last night with another woman, and in the dream I confronted him and we got back together. It hurt to wake up from a dream where we were cuddling to realize I was alone and might never cuddle with him again... I miss him so so much...I feel so hurt by his lack of communication...I really want to write him a letter about how I feel but everyone's telling me not to. But we never agreed on NC, so why this lack of communication?! I've almost called him already three times this morning but I've resisted..
JesseMartin Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Men and women go through breakups in profoundly different ways. It sounds like he might not have been that good of an emotional communicator in the first place. Don't fall into the trap of comparing your recovery to his (or your imagination thereof). Instead go through some threads on this forum of people that went through similar breakups, and relate to them. Oh and that letter, definitely write it. Just instead of sending it, post it here or burn it. The process of writing out your emotions will do wonders for you, I promise.
KatZee Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Quick Backstory: Dated my ex for 4.5 years. We broke up a little less than two weeks ago - I acted as though it was mutual, though in reality I definitely feel like I was dumped. Used the cliche that "he loves me, but isn't IN love with me". Said he still wants to be a part of my life and eventually friends. Possible GIGS. He said if I texted him he'd answer, and I said he can contact me at any time, but he hasn't and I haven't. No suspicion of cheating while we were together. Told me he's not romantically interested in anyone else and doesn't plan on dating for a while.... I miss him so so much...I feel so hurt by his lack of communication...I really want to write him a letter about how I feel but everyone's telling me not to. But we never agreed on NC, so why this lack of communication?! I've almost called him already three times this morning but I've resisted.. My ex gave me all of the same bullsh*t. I think it was virtually word for word. He was doing the little crying act, saying I was his best friend, he still loved me, he said that he didn't want to lose what we had because it was so amazing and wanted me in his life still as a friend, and that I should call him/text him or email him at anytime. That if I wanted to call him at the end of my day to vent or ask for advice I should... I just stood there staring at him like... are you for real? Any person I act that way with, will be a BOYFRIEND. My ex also said there was no one else whatsoever, that he needed to be single as he hasn't in all his 20's. After he said all of that... guess what happened? Nothing. I walked out of his house and never heard from him again. After that whole show of not wanting me out of his life he didn't do ONE THING to show me he wanted me there. So I went NC. After a little over 5 weeks, I did what you're thinking of doing. Reaching out. He had left a lot of hope in the situation, said he wanted to start fresh after he had his things sorted out... so I left him to it with NC for over a month. I shot him a very simple text. Just to reach out there, see where things were... and he CALLED ME BACK. He sounded so happy to hear from me. I was like "woohoo!" Again he told me not to be a stranger, and again, once we hung up I never heard from him again. Two weeks later I find out he's deleted all of my friends on his FB account. 5 minutes after that happens he sends me a horrible text message, telling me: "Hope all is well. Just wanted to say you should go ahead and sell the jewelry I bought for you... pay your rent. There is no 'us' it's my fault for making you think that." I was LIVID and I more than gave him a piece of my mind. After virtually 2 months of NC except for a 10 minute phone call, he completely does a 180, becomes an as*hole. He tells me, "this is the last text message I'm sending you, good luck, have a nice life, please lose my number." This was OUT OF NO WHERE. Completely out of no where. It was NC for the next month when just earlier this week I come to find out he met a girl at work. The time line completely matches up. He met this girl at work, he wanted to explore with her. The whole thing he was saying about wanting to be single, not wanting to date... it was completely bogus. It was at that time when he flipped and did the 180 where he thought this "relationship" with the new girl would take off. So he spent about a month with her. He didn't want me in the way of his new life. The same day I found out he had a new girl, I found out it was over with them. This is getting long, but my point is... please don't believe what he was telling you when he ended it. Dumpers very rarely tell the truth, as they don't want to hurt you. I'm fairly certain he probably has someone he's interested in, or at least talking to. The fact he said all of that nonsense and yet hasn't reached out once is a huge indication. Don't make the mistake I did by reaching out. It just shows you're sitting around waiting. If he wants you back, believe that he will come get you. You won't have to reach out, or try to contact him or go NC or LC or any of the games on here. Just go about your life as hard as it is to do. You're most likely going to start finding out a lot of things regarding the breakup as time goes on, so be ready for it. 3
HumptyDumpty Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Well, sadly you can't do anything about it, sadly, people are different... Well, if he's not in love anymore, it could be that he just wants to benefit from his new freedom! As already said above, guys cope in a different manner and it depends of the break-up. If things didn't go well for quite some time during the relationship, it surely takes lesser time... However, some NC is always a wise thing to do, in order to cool off! That you're feeling awful is normal, I know that... However, it'll pass. You need to get yourself busy! I advise some music, it helps me a lot. and crying, well, do it! But don't forget to get up during that day hey? You'll have to make the difference with coping alone and loving him, it may feel the same but after some time you'll see better! If you should feel depressed, you can get an animal? Especially at this mo', people want to go on holidays and want to get rid of their pets! I did, a little hamster, she lived in awful conditions! So, I can cry all I want but when I see her, it changes my mind and I laugh, I have to take care, etc... And you're doing a good thing. Your pet won't break-up with you but love you til death! So, don't get mad at him, take a distance, dwell a bit on this loss but learn to get up again! If he really wants to be your friend, he'll get back to you, otherwise you can when you feel ready! Anyways, good luck, it's not easy but time really is a good healer! Don't waste your precious life-time but do something good for yourself and others (pets, seeing your friends more, help elderly people or people in financial difficulties, kids, etc)! 1
smint Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 KatZee has right,it's possible that he has someone. Reading these posts here I was shocked how many people lived the same scenario!!!My ex of 7 years did the same thing to me,left me with"I don't love you anymore,I just like you",he was selling me"friends story",but every time I tried to reach him,he totally ignored me,or was cruel.He also made me sure that there is nobody,and how he talked with one man who told him"get away from women,they are going to destroy you",and things like that,how he wants to be single,and guess what???He already was cheating me while we were still together,because,he left me in March,and in May he had birthday and he presented her to all our together's friends as his girlfriend... When I asked him,how could he do it,he just answered"It's my old friend"??? I was destroyed,I wish i have never met him...And like you,mornings are most difficult,when I wake up and realize that there is no text or call from him,even after 5 months I find it difficult...But we can do it,we must fight and believe in better future.There must be someone for us out there. 2
yessy21 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 father of my child did the same thing to me. Not once... but twice. that POS. i couldnt eat ...walk ....talk... i was beyond destroyed. we have been officially separated for 4 years almost....till this day.. that man harrasses me to get back with him....but its too late...for i have found my knight in shining armor. The moment we saw each other ... everything changed.... someones trash will always be someone elses treasure.
KatZee Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 father of my child did the same thing to me. Not once... but twice. that POS. i couldnt eat ...walk ....talk... i was beyond destroyed. we have been officially separated for 4 years almost....till this day.. that man harrasses me to get back with him....but its too late...for i have found my knight in shining armor. The moment we saw each other ... everything changed.... someones trash will always be someone elses treasure. I am WAITING for this phone call or text or e-mail. My ex thought he found better. The hilarious part of it, is that he had a certain type he gravitates to (blonde hair blue eyes)... the girl he tried getting with.. LOOKS LIKE ME. It's almost laughable. He thought he'd keep up the appearance, but try a new personality? It blew up in his face in less than a month, they're already done with. I'm just waiting for this contact to tell me what a "mistake" he made. I'm not sure how he thinks someone else could compare to me. Not to be all cocky and arrogant here, but I was a class act. Wonderful, caring, supportive, independent, all while having the traits of a homemaker, extremely neat, homemaker, cook. I'm intelligent, funny, spontaneous, beautiful... whatever girl he tries to date has a tough act to follow! Seems as if yours felt the same way. Guys are so fickle. They don't see what they have when it's right in their face, the second they get back out in the world and deal with the trash that's out there...they try to come running back like scared little boys. PLEASE! I would LOVE to be getting this contact from my ex. 1
Car10e Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I'm going through the same exact thing. I was also with my ex bf for 4.5 years. Throughout the day I keep myself busy so I'm not thinking about it as much. Its weird, because every morning I wake up 7:37 am. Its like a thought just pops in my mind and wakes me up, because I wake up so sad and depressed. I was used to waking up to a text every morning from my ex, and it sucks not getting one now. My ex and I didn't really say no contact, but we have not called or texted each other either. I have heard from mutual friends, he keeps saying that it's just not right at the moment. I wanted him to know that I do still love him and have no hard feelings toward him, even though our breakup was pretty rough. I wrote a letter to him explaining how I feel, and told him that he can talk to me whenever he wants, and that I don't want him to think I hate him, because I don't. I also debated on sending a letter. Ultimately, I ended up doing it, because there were so many things I wanted to let him know, such as how I still love him and that he can talk to me whenever he wants. I wanted to let him know I wanted to be on good terms with him.
Author KMC1990 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 That sounds pretty identical to my situation, Car10e, and I would say similar things in the letter if I wrote one. Did he ever respond to your letter? Did you ever regret sending it?
Car10e Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I literally just sent it 2 days ago. He lives like 5 minutes away, but I decided to send it in the mail. He should've got it yesterday or will today, so I haven't heard from him. I don't really expect to hear from him. I just wanted him to know. I don't regret sending it at all. After 4 1/2 years its hard to just drop him just like that. He tells people he still loves me and cares for me, so I'm not necessarily begging him to come back, but I'm letting him know I am still here and that I do still love him.
Author KMC1990 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Yeah, it's important to let them know how you feel especially after 4.5 years...I totally understand. I feel like we're both acting as if the other person doesn't exist anymore. It's so sad how you could feel so much love for each other and go to absolutely no contact whatsoever.
KatZee Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 That sounds pretty identical to my situation, Car10e, and I would say similar things in the letter if I wrote one. Did he ever respond to your letter? Did you ever regret sending it? I didn't send my ex a letter, I sent him the same thing in e-Mail form. He NEVER wrote back. Nothing. He didn't so much as even fart in my general direction. Don't do it unless you're perfectly OK with hearing NOTHING. 1
smint Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 father of my child did the same thing to me. Not once... but twice. that POS. i couldnt eat ...walk ....talk... i was beyond destroyed. we have been officially separated for 4 years almost....till this day.. that man harrasses me to get back with him....but its too late...for i have found my knight in shining armor. The moment we saw each other ... everything changed.... someones trash will always be someone elses treasure. What the hell???After 4 years he had nerve to show up???And he taught that you will take him back after 4 years,after being left alone with child?Can't believe it!!! KMC1990 I did that thing with the letter,but I had no response at all.Actually it was like this,he left me in March,I was trying to understand why the hell after 7 years(my first relationship),then I went on NC for 30 days,then I called him and he was cruel,then I heard for his new girlfriend,and then I wrote him letter which he totally ignored.Then I let it go,and guess what???He contacted me two weeks ago,he sent me txt msg,what's up blah blah,then on Facebook too,then he liked my pictures,and i blocked him and ignored. You need time to realize that he is not your friend anymore,that's so painful,I know,in my case,it took me a long time to accept that.In my head was Hiroshima. Try to pull back,he will contact you,I can guarantee it to you 200%!!! And by then you will figure out how you want tour cards to be played. KatZee,my ex also has found someone for which he said that she is the same like I am,really funny,they want to feel familiar or I don't know.I heard that my ex has problems with parents because of her,she is 28,no school,no job,she has child of 5 years and she is divorced...She is using him now to drive her,to take care of her child,he is buying her a lot of stuff...That is totally opposite from me,like in your case,I am 26,first of all I finished faculty,i planned my life,I will start to work in September,I never wanted him to buy me anything,he never had family problems because of me...
smint Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Don't do it unless you're perfectly OK with hearing NOTHING. Very well said!!!
Floored Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 It's not fair that he said that he still wanted to be in your life. That simple little statement planted a seed of hope in you that you've maintained and let grow to the point that you still hold hope. I told my ex that she could text me or call me anytime and I'd answer, which for me was a huge mistake. I did as you did, waking up every morning hoping she'd have texted ANYTHING to show that she was hurting as much as I was, that she wishes she could erase all the wrong between us and build up a new, stronger relationship than we had before. But as time went on and she never texted, I just grew mad. And as my anger wings grew and my fury took flight, I was hoping she'd call and plead only so I could reject her like she did to me. Write a letter- I did- but don't send it, because just like a text, phone call or email, you will want a response. The want for response will consume you more than your broken heart has, and you will be obsessed with checking for a return letter, or a text, or an email, all day long. You might think in the beginning you're fine without an answer, but it'll be like planting another seed, and months from now you'll still wonder why he didn't respond. Some people might actually be okay to send such a letter, but I think most of us here in this sub are too new to being broken up to handle it with ease.
yessy21 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 yes. he thought that i was going to welcome him with open f*king arms...after he left sophie and i out on the street. well i was dumb too cause i would always answer his calls. on April he called me telling me that i had to drop my Bf cause he was back and better than ever.<<< i swear to you on my toes that he said this....and i hate hitting my toes. >.< i asked him to explain this to me and he NOT ONCE asked about our daughter. then i figured he might have been smoking some good ****.... then i called his best friend and he told me not to pay any attention to him cause he had started smoking crack with the bitch he left me for....which is why he lost his good ass job... and i lost my Amazing child support payments....just thinking about that depresses me. 1
yessy21 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 It's not fair that he said that he still wanted to be in your life. That simple little statement planted a seed of hope in you that you've maintained and let grow to the point that you still hold hope. Yes they alll do that. so they wont feel bad. And JUST IN CASE what they left you for backfires. 1
pinkyfairy Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 This is so typical and common,which also happened to me not long ago...my ex of 1 year broke up with me but saying "he loves me, but isn't IN love with me and that he still wants to be a part of my life and keep a good contact,and is always interested in what I am doing etc". I hate him so much that I dont want him to be my life ever again.. I dream of him every night and he is the first thing pops up on my mind every morning when I wake up,and cant stop thinking about him most of the time in a day,it is killing me. I've also written an email with all the things I want to say,but I am happy that I didnt send it and now I will just delete it,because it wont make any sense or change anything anyway...And I do agree that they dont really tell the real reason of breaking-up,men are full of lies... He contacted me a few times after breaking-up,like every 3-4 days,but it makes my recovering worse each time when I've finally moved on a little bit... I am trying very very hard to move on...I know I will make it,like everyone else,all we need is time.. 1
Car10e Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I didn't send my ex a letter, I sent him the same thing in e-Mail form. He NEVER wrote back. Nothing. He didn't so much as even fart in my general direction. Don't do it unless you're perfectly OK with hearing NOTHING. Everyones different. To me, a letter shows a little more effort. I could've easily just typed out an email, but a hand written letter seems more meaningful. I guess it just depends on the person. I used to leave little notes for my ex, so I thought writing a letter would show I still care. I do not expect a letter back, but like I said, at least he knows. 1
Car10e Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I guess really all you can do is continue on with your life. Show him that you are capable of succeeding without him. Who knows he might see you weeks, months or years later and decide he wants to reconnect with you. Its okay to have hope that he might come back, but in the mean time continue on without him. Thats what I'm trying to do. 1
smint Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 When my ex left me,I spent hours and hours on this and other forums and what is common,like you all said,they were all selling us"friends story",and they never fulfill that promise,instead of that we got hurt more badly every time we try to reach them. The thing is that sadly we all want to make sure,we just don't believe it,until we live it all alone. When I was done with most difficult 30 days of NC,I came to this place and everybody told me not to contact him,I am still not going to be able to handle it if I hear that he has new girlfriend,and I was 100% sure that there is nobody(he made me believe when he broke up with me),even when friends later told me for her,I called him and asked about her,and he said"it's just old friend",and I believed to him!!!Not to people who saw her with him,i believed to him!!!How naive I was!!!How I believed to him,how blind I was!!!And it was in June!!!I needed to be rejected,hurt,ignored by him,humiliated,just to realize after 3 months that there is nothing I can do,that I am only hurting myself more and more,and by the way I am feeding his ego,while he is doing who knows what with that new girl... So my advice is also to try to stay away from him,but I know myself before almost 5 months,I was looking for advices here,from friends,everywhere,but I still had hope and in the end I would contact him somehow and now I regret very much for doing that.He hasn't even made a blink with his eye after all we had together for 7 years!!! I found that all these stages happen to me Relationships Ending: The Five Stages of Grief After a Break Up
yessy21 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 The truth is that we all want answers as to why. Thats why we really hold on to their memories. like if a piece of them is going to come back eventually. you might even look for him in others. this is Denial. one of the many stages of break ups. the reality of it is... that they just didnt love us the same way that we loved them. someone always loves the other more. after so many years of questioning everything... i realized that you have to love yourself more so it will balance the rest out. how can someone love you ... if you cant even love who youve become.
theskyisblue Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Did you get a response to your letter? The thing is if you send it and then really don't mind if there is a response or not then that's fine. If however, you start checking the post, emails, text, phone calls etc for some kind of reply that's when it get's a bit tougher. I wrote down how I felt and left it with my ex (sigh - still not used to calling her that) and it was good to put it all on paper but I still would really have liked to hear how she felt. Well, I've seen her since the BU and when I have it's been so difficult. I went NC, which I'm guessing you'll be doing? When she messaged I broke NC to talk to her. Word of advice, unless it's really really important or the message clearly indicates some kind of reconcilliation it really isn't worth doing. Seriously, I'm doing as well as can be expected, hear from her, get some false hope, go and see her, hopes get dashed and you feel awful. This is just what I experienced but once somebody has said they don't want you it seems really quite unlikely to be with them. Yeah, also agree with the struggle when you wake up. Seriously lonely. Miserable really. Stay strong though.
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