2_long Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I don't know why I'm writing this -- just need to tell someone I guess, and there's no one else to tell. I've been married for 20 years. About 15 years ago my world fell apart when I found out my H had been with many other women. After leaving for a few days I stupidly rushed back with our 2 children, thinking we could fix everything. He didn't stop, of course. He never had "affairs" it was always just sex. The thing that really killed me at the time was that he would rarely have sex with me. As soon as we moved in together he lost his "appetite". I tried to talk with him about it many times but he'd always get mad at me. I'd had a high sex drive and, frankly, was young and very attractive and I had to make a pretty big decision whether or not I wanted to marry someone and have basically no sex life (we'd have sex around 2-3 times a year ... yes, a year!!) So one of my many mistakes in this relationship in retrospect was that I chose to get into a marriage with someone with sex troubles. Ok, so fast forward to 5 years after marriage when I walked in on him with another woman. After some real hell as my world had fallen apart, for a few years our relationship actually improved. At least I knew he wasn't totally frigid, if you can use that word for a man. But over the next few years I caught him a few more times. My love for him died when I found out he tried to bed a neighbor of ours who was a real skank, to be honest. Not at all attractive, a drinking problem, etc. That was 10 years ago, and I'm still married, despite lots of other troubles totally unrelated to sex and despite the fact that I don't love him at all. I won't get into the reasons why I stayed all this time -- I understand them, although I do think I'm a bit of an idiot. Fast forward again -- I believe he totally stopped being with other women a few years ago, partly because he wants to be with me a lot now. Trouble is, I cannot bear to be with him. I feel violated when he touches me and I want to cry when he kisses me. I've wanted out so bad now for the past few years but seem unable to leave. Partly because he is very manipulative and knows exactly how to get me to stay every time I try. Other reasons too, but I won't get into those. Before I caught him, I never looked at another man. Since then I have found myself attracted to other guys but never done anything about it. Until now. A few months ago I decided it really was over. That I have to find some way to get out. Financially, he's almost ruined me. I get nothing from him at all. A few things happened around Jan/Feb this year that made me realize I'm always going to be in some sort of hell as long as I'm with him. I'm very fit and attractive still, although I'm in my later 40s. Last year a young, gorgeous man I've known (and had a crush on) for a few years started making it apparent that he was interested in me. At first I thought I was imagining things because he's so young (in his early 30s), but about 3 months ago he kissed me. Talk about fireworks!!! That kiss lasted days for me - I relived it again and again. That started a physical affair. Having had basically no sex life (either none or one that I didn't want) for the past 22 years (married and pre-marriage), I can't believe how turned-on I get at just the thought. The sex is absolutely mind-blowing. I walked into this knowing a) this is a sign I really have to get out of my marriage. If I'm at the point that I will do something I said I'd never do, then things are beyond reparable. b) this is a physical affair and nothing else. OM is in an unhappy marriage as well, and in a very similar position to me -- wanting out but with a manipulative spouse who keeps managing to keep him there. So everything is cool, right? I know where we stand, he knows where we stand. Except for the fact that we're both being deceitful (and I hate that) everything is cool. Between my marriage, his marriage, my work and his work and all our other responsibilities, we don't see each other very often and don't even talk all that often, although we do get along very well. But now I find I'm thinking of him all the time and missing him. And he has now started talking about us being together every day when he leaves his wife. WTF?? I start letting myself have these fantasies and then say what the heck am I thinking? First of all, he's 15 years younger than me. Second, assuming I actually manage to get out of my marriage, the last thing I want is to jump into another long-term relationship. What am I thinking?
jwi71 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I'm not sure how to help you really. You seem to want out but for reasons you won't say cannot get out. IME, most people who "cannot" get out simply don't want out bad enough. The cost of leaving is more "expensive" than the happy life you have recently got a taste of. People are where they choose to be. Your life is where it is because you choose to remain M. Not sure what else to say. 2
woinlove Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Doesn't sound like there is any reason to continue prolonging your marriage. Do you see some reason why you should not divorce? If, as you say, you hate lying and keep doing it, it'll become more a part of you and you could end up hating yourself.
Author 2_long Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 TaraMaiden you made me laugh even though you're probably right and I guess it's really not funny! jwi71 - oh I know you're right. I have asked myself so many times over the years why I'm keeping myself there. There are specific things in my situation that make it much harder, but that does not mean impossible. woinlove -- you make a very good point. If I continue as I am, how will I eventually feel about myself? I always said I didn't understand having an A -- if you don't want to be with your spouse, get out and then be with someone else, but here I find myself in a position I said I'd never get into. I think subconsciously I'm doing this specifically because it's the only thing that will force me to leave. Him being unfaithful didn't do it. All the other s*** he's put me through didn't do it. Maybe me being unfaithful will.
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 If you use the term 'maybe' - then it won't. If you're unsure as to the outcome, you're probably going to keep on until he finds out - and leaves you. Is that what you want? For him to make all the decisions and take action? He's shown him self to be a user/abuser... That erodes a partner's self-esteem and self-worth, especially as you stuck around and put up with it. That gave him carte blanche to do whatever he wanted, whether it was to have casual sex, serious affair sex, sex with you, or no sex at all. It's possible that the incredible attraction towards this guy is simply the counterbalancing opposite to the way you have felt, and have been treated in your own marriage. someone is making you feel special in a way your H never has. that in itself is like a drug, in any case... but the 'sensible' you is wondering about the folly of it all. You need to speak to a counsellor to get your head out of the dark. I personally believe you need to end your marriage, and have a bit of 'me alone' time - no husband, no lover, just you - and evaluate just who you are, where you're at, and what the pheck you're going to do to put your life back on track. Because currently, the two men in your life are doing you no favours. This is something you have to fix yourself. 3
Author 2_long Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Very astute TaraMaiden. I call OM my cocaine. Am I waiting for H to find out and leave me? I don't think he would ever leave me no matter what. If I'm going to leave it has to be me who walks out the door. Meanwhile, my H always goes out of his way to make me feel special, but he did while he had these secret lives going on too, so I guess I don't really trust it. And yes I totally agree I have to find time to be away from any man. I've rather complicated that, haven't I? In addition I'm negating all his wrongs by doing this, turning myself into the bad guy.
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Now who's the astute one? You need to put some distance between you and your H. And the other guy too, for that matter..... At the risk of hitting a cliché, can you 'go home to mother' for a while? Or netter still, is there anywhere you can go, or anyone you can visit, to get you out of this environment, even for a week-end? Can you afford, even, to book a room at a holiday inn for a couple of nights, and go swimming a lot? (I find water an extremely therapeutic environment.....)
Author 2_long Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 One of my complicating issues is that my mother lives with us :/ I do have friends I would be able to stay with. I've just spoken with my H on the phone. He knows for sure that this time it's very serious and he can't cajole me into sticking around. He tells me every day how afraid he is of losing me but I don't give in at all. I just don't feel anything for him anymore, except maybe pity. He's telling me we have a lot of good to build on and I just told him we need to talk. My intention is to tell him I'm leaving and there is no more trying to build. I just have to believe I can do it. That I can get through his tears and begging without giving in.
Author 2_long Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 And I have to not allow OM into my mind while I'm doing this.
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Well, I have to confess, I don't envy you - and yes, it's going to take courage, resolve and single-mindedness. but if only for yourself - you have to do this. Actually, you must know, it's fairer all round. to him, to the OM (who has his own issues to deal with!) and yourself. It's the right thing to do - and the right things are never easy.... but they're worth it.
Author 2_long Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Thx TaraMaiden. I know it's fairer to him. I keep telling myself how cruel I'm being dragging this on when there's no hope. And I don't envy me either! OM is gone away with his family for a few days so that should make me a little more focused.
SoleMate Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 You might have already made a semi-conscious decision to leave your marriage and are using the young lover as your exit affair to assist you in forwarding and finalizing that process. 1
jwi71 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 You might have already made a semi-conscious decision to leave your marriage and are using the young lover as your exit affair to assist you in forwarding and finalizing that process. I agree. This has exit A written all over it. I mentioned, aloofly, in my first post - but she has now a taste of a "happy" life. She needs to be VERY caref about confusing happiness from being out of a bad M with happiness her MOM brings. The fear is she attaches to MOM as the source and gets lost and very dependent upon him. Her posts lead me to believe she has issues with dependency. And that's a sure fire recipe for disaster if there ever was one. If your decision is to leave then do so. But you gotta drop the MOM. No good comes of pursuing him.
nofool4u Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 OM is in an unhappy marriage as well, and in a very similar position to me -- wanting out but with a manipulative spouse who keeps managing to keep him there. Sorry, I call BS, and I don't mean betrayed spouse. Nothing keeps him there but him. And of course he is in an unhappy marriage? What do you think the odds of him bedding down another woman would be if he told her that he loves his marriage?
Artie Lang Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 this has "exit" affair written all over it. you want out.....well then- GET OUT!(of the marriage, of course.)
Author 2_long Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Exit affair, yes probably. Is MOM going to leave his wife and is he really unhappy? Time will tell, and if I'm totally honest I don't really care all that much. I do like him, think about him all the time and enjoy the hell out of our time together, but really I'm well aware this is going nowhere. Me having dependency issues? Hmmm that's a really new one. I really feel like my H has huge dependency issues but could it possibly be me? I was very happily single before getting married and have longed to be single for a long time. I support our family financially. I really don't think I have dependency issues, but maybe co-dependency issues. That I could buy.
2sure Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Being married to a serial cheater is life altering. I think it screwed you up. It did me. Your OM is just an easy option, a relief. You are helping to hurt his wife, and you don't need to. Your H wants you now more than before...because he has lost you. You sound good. You sound strong enough. You can do this. 3
MissBee Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Hi 2_Long, It sounds like regardless of this OM, your marriage has been in disrepair and it's something you need to address so that you can be free to be happy, fulfilled and move forward with your life. I second counseling, perhaps that will give you the strength to reject your husband's manipulations and finally cut him and yourself loose. Affairs often complicate things, as you've seen. It isn't really taking you or your OM away from the reality of your bad marriages, except for but a while. You are right not to want to jump from your husband to him. I think you should really get individual counseling to give you the strength to ask for a divorce, then you'll need to heal from that relationship. I think your marriage is the most of your concern right now and I do wish you luck in sorting out all of that so you have a clear road ahead to move forward, whether with this man (if he leaves his wife) or someone else. 1
Athena Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Sorry, I call BS, and I don't mean betrayed spouse. Nothing keeps him there but him. And of course he is in an unhappy marriage? What do you think the odds of him bedding down another woman would be if he told her that he loves his marriage? You are wrong. My H has bedded MANY women, and he tells them he loves his W (that way he can drop them more easily when the time comes... they always knew he 'loved his wife'). You have an aggressive way of writing -- rather accusatory. I've noticed it elsewhere too. 3
frozensprouts Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 your story is sad, and your husband sounds like a knob...when he was young he couldn't keep it in his pants no matter how much it hurt you, now that you're wanting out, all of a sudden mr.happy pants wants to be with only you/ Piffle! You deserve better than that... after reading what you have written, in sounds like you need to find someway to leave before you end up losing yourself or becoming someone who's doing things you don't like very much just to find a bit of happiness in your life...again, you deserve better than that is there any way that you can make your plans to leave without letting your husband know? that way, he can't try to use manipulation or guilt to try and get you to stay? Contact a lawyer, get your plans made, then walk away ( not as easy as that, I know, but it sounds like you feel it's what you need to do) 1
Emme Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 All I kept thinking as I read your post is, you would fall for any man that touched you. That's all I kept thinking. You have deprived yourself of a healthy life. I don't know the ages of the children but your marriage can't get any better. The picture you've painted is just... damn! You need to focus on what you want out of the next half of your life. You have no time to worry about MM. You have to worry about you. Get a divorce, you are not happy. Do it because you want to be free. Not because your MM is telling you stores of a future that might never be. Walk away from your marriage hun... your holding up the line. Don't be scared start off with baby steps. Start looking for a lawyer. If you do divorce your spouse please date as many men as you can before you enter into any long term relationship. 3
canuckprincess Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Very astute TaraMaiden. I call OM my cocaine. Am I waiting for H to find out and leave me? I don't think he would ever leave me no matter what. If I'm going to leave it has to be me who walks out the door. Meanwhile, my H always goes out of his way to make me feel special, but he did while he had these secret lives going on too, so I guess I don't really trust it. And yes I totally agree I have to find time to be away from any man. I've rather complicated that, haven't I? In addition I'm negating all his wrongs by doing this, turning myself into the bad guy. My mm and I are very addicted to each other, I wonder If there's a 12 step program or patch to help with the addiction lol.
Author 2_long Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Wow thanks for all your words of wisdom. @2sure I do believe you are right re: getting messed up by his serial cheating, but I also want to say that though my H put me through hell I also chose to stay in hell. Sure there have been lots of reasons, including just that we were married, and married means for life. Now I think about that it's actually pretty dumb. And you're also right that he wants me now more than ever because he's lost me. @Emme you are so right. I want so bad to leave but I really don't want to jump into another long-term relationship. Especially not with someone 15 years younger than me!!! I do often think of an imaginary man I deserve to have, but the way I feel right now living with another man, no matter how wonderful and responsible, is really not my priority. Had a tough weekend (it was a long weekend here). I'd planned yesterday on having a serious talk with him that I'm leaving and it ended the days plans got all messed up. He was so upset yesterday and it really hit home to me how much harder I'm making everything by dragging it on. Lawyers and counseling are both good ideas. We've gone to counseling together but I've never thought of just going myself. I really don't even want to talk to OM today, so I guess that's a good sign.
Author 2_long Posted August 13, 2012 Author Posted August 13, 2012 OM left his wife. He said "now it's your turn" 1
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