Emotional issues following breakup and newfound knowledge of girlfriend's sexual past

[whattodo94]

I started dating this girl about 6 months ago. Prior to her I hadn't really had a serious relationship, she was the first I asked to be my girlfriend. Things went pretty well for the most part, people were often envious of how well we were doing. The only problem we ever really had was her past. She had been with her ex-boyfriend for 2 and a half years. They started dating when she was 14. She was not a virgin, however (It's technical, but for all intents and purposes I was). I was a bit hurt by this when we first started dating. I was also a bit insecure, since she had dated over a dozen guys before me (although her ex, same one mentioned earlier, was the the only other serious relationship she had). We ended up having sex dozens of times, and according to her she was shocked I hadn't had experience because she would have never guessed it. She even told me that I was better than her ex. That helped me feel better about it, but I never fully got over it. Whenever she mentioned something that reminded me she had sex with him, it bothered me a lot. Over time however, I grew used to it and it didn't bother me so much. It took a long time though.

 

Recently we broke up. Over the past month I felt a distance growing between us. Only recently after coming back from a camping trip did I find out why. She and her ex had been hanging out behind my back. When confronted, she admitted to having seen him a few times and lying to me about it. She even once spent the night at his place, however she swore they were just friends and nothing happened. I do believe that nothing happened. I know many wouldn't believe so reading this, however based on what I know about him and her, I'm pretty sure nothing happened. Anyway, I was shocked she lied to me and I didn't understand why she still wanted him in her life since she had told me the hurtful things he had done while they were together.

 

Over the course of a couple days, we decided just to be friends. She said she values my friendship and doesn't want to lose me completely, and I was okay with that. However today, after reading a post on her blog, some stuff about her sexual past came up. She ended up telling me all the places she had sex with her boyfriend, and admitted they had sex many more times than us. They had sex every chance they got according to her. They had sex in places like bathrooms, changing rooms, an amusement park, etc. Hearing this made me feel insecure, hurt, upset, and many negative emotions. It also hurt knowing they had been sexually active since she was 14, and for a good 2 years (she's 17 now, about to turn 18). I was 18 when I had sex with her. Hearing all these things made me feel traumatized. It made me reflect on myself. I wonder how the sex we had could have had any meaning. It meant so much to me, but how could it to her if she had so much sex before me?

 

I feel regret. I always told myself I would lose my virginity to a virgin, however things just didn't turn out that way. I think maybe I should have been sexually active at a younger age like my girlfriend, or I think maybe I should have just waited for a girl who was a virgin like myself. I can never experience the bond that two virgins have like she did with her ex. I will never have that with anyone, ever, and it hurts. The things I learned about her and her ex just twisted the knife. And all this was on top of us breaking up. I don't feel like I can handle it all. She says she might want to get back together later when she feels ready, potentially in a couple months, but I don't know if I can do it. I feel like there is so much stress on me right now. I don't know what to do. I feel like I tarnished my life, and her past damaged my emotions. I don't know how it can be fixed. I don't know if I can have a healthy relationship in the future. I need help.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

It's technical, but for all intents and purposes I was

 

No one, well except douchebags and really insecure people, are keeping score. Don't be either of them. Look on the bright side, in 100 years it absolutely won't matter to anyone. Even brigher, I am sure in 3 years it won't matter much to you at all.

 

Ask a 100 guys over 50 if not sleeping with only 1 chick in their lived decreased their happiness. 95% of them will laugh at you. You might find 3 who will seriously ponder it and might say would be 'neat' to have only had sex with 1 woman. If you are lucky you might find 2 guys out of those 100 who have only had sex with 1 chick in their lives. And I guarantee you, even if they are glad they only had sex with 1 woman, at some point in their lives they experienced regret about not banging more.

[HumptyDumpty]

Well... don't beat yourself up about it!

It's normal, that for a used-to-be-virgin to not have a lot of experience! I mean, you should feel confident enough in bed before moving outside, nope?

And don't regret it. I mean, she did enjoy it no? I think it's a shame she's only out for sex and if something were to be missing, she should have talked to you no? Things she likes, new things to try out, etc

Well, when I consider my first time and partner, I might regret it. It wasn't what it was meant to be and when things went better, well, we broke up! So I've lost my confidence! However, I hope to find someone new who will help me in this matter!

So, stop thinking about it... You need to move on, cool off, get your head clear before meeting new people! otherwise it's doomed to fail with someone new with no confidence etc And don't worry, you're still young, don't feel bad about yourself It's all about you, your new partner in the future and the pleasure!