zanzi Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I like someone in my class at uni. His girlfriend apparently left him two weeks ago ( I wonder how long that will last.) And the guy I used to date ( who turned out to be using me as a rebound and loved his ex before me all along as they are back together) dumped me a month ago . Misery loves company and we started talking. Not just about break ups, mind you. I have always been attracted to him since the beggining of the year, and he says he has always been attracted to me. Talking to him is really fun and I wish I had kept it to just talking as I can see that he is unavailable and there is a risk his ex will come running back, just like the guy I used to date ran back to his ex. So I went back to his house to "hang out" and he proceeded to get drunk. At first he said he didnt want to do anything and it was too soon. But we had sex. And horribly awkwardly are in the same class at uni. I feel very awkward around him now. I am in a bad place and have recently been burned and so has he, and we didnt want to do it ( whilst sober) because we knew it was a bad idea but we did. Its kind of hard to go back to how things were and pretend it didnt happen when I see him. Besides, the girl he was dating, he is still obbsessed with as they went out for eight years. I have been a rebound before and that why I didnt want to sleep with him straight away, but I felt unloved and rejected that day and seduced him. The sex was meant to be casual but how to I act normal now? Im kind of bummed because I wanted to be friends with him but I can see thats not going to happen now. It would just be too wierd.
USMCHokie Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 The sex was meant to be casual but how to I act normal now? To answer your question, and I mean this in all seriousness: Keep banging him. Repetition creates normalcy.
Author zanzi Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Yes, it would make a "normal" pattern but It would also make me another type of rebound. I wish I'd just been his friend and then cougared my way in there when I was sure he was over her. Who knows how long that could take. 8 years halved ='s 4 years of recovery in theory? I always do things backwards. ie sex first. So I have screwed up this time but there are other men in the world after all . Like a million others.
Author zanzi Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 I made myself instantly available to him and the guy I used to date. Like two minute noodles. cheap and easy...T.T ughh
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I made myself instantly available to him and the guy I used to date. Like two minute noodles. cheap and easy...T.T ughh Just doesn't seem to be any real substance to your relationships, you're just looking to trap a man with the good ole vagina technique...might keep him around for a little while but you're not going to affect him emotionally. Not sure what you're trying to accomplish here..obviously you're not really thinking which is why I'm surprised you'd right about this on a forum...probably just looking for support? At any rate, things aren't going to be the same for him because he more than likely was just attracted enough to sleep with you but not stick around...now it's weird for him because now he might feel like you're going to cling onto him....just tell him you use your vagina as a weapon to secure intimacy and interest in men and that he shouldn't feel special or obligated to anything...all you wanted to do was feel acceptance and desirable in the moment and that is it. He may reconsider or realize that since you're not after a relationship he has nothing to worry about for this "mistake", so he can continue talking to you...chances are though he's not going to want to do that though out of fear you're emotionally involved...plus this likely just another guy that is interested in another woman and didn't mind another notch on the belt. If you were really that close of friends, you'd still be close after the sex. You're looking for attachment and something to cling unto to like a baby kitten..you should give yourself some time to process it instead of drown it out with booze and seeking validation from men...you'll just end up more damaged than you are now...you're just piling on the "sorrow" since now you'll think you lost a friend....when it actuality you shared some commonality but It doesn't seem to be that deep in terms of an emotional/romantic level...there is a difference.
Author zanzi Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 your an *******, aren't you. No actually, I like him. That is why I slept with him. I am interested in him in a non platonic way and wanted to be friends first before I tried anything on. Now I just made myself look easy. also yes I was kind of sad, for reasons I dont have to explain to someone like you. go and die.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I like someone in my class at uni. Red flag#1! His girlfriend apparently left him two weeks ago ( I wonder how long that will last.) Red flag #2! And the guy I used to date ( who turned out to be using me as a rebound and loved his ex before me all along as they are back together) Red flag #3! dumped me a month ago . Misery loves company and we started talking. Not just about break ups, mind you. I have always been attracted to him since the beggining of the year, and he says he has always been attracted to me. Talking to him is really fun and I wish I had kept it to just talking as Red flag #4! I can see that he is unavailable and there is a risk his ex will come running back, just like the guy I used to date ran back to his ex. Red flag #5! So I went back to his house to "hang out" and he proceeded to get drunk. At first Red flag #6! he said he didnt want to do anything and it was too soon. But we had sex. And horribly awkwardly are in the same class at uni. I feel very awkward around him now. Red flag #7! I am in a bad place and have recently been burned and so has he, and we didnt want to do it ( whilst sober) because we knew it was a bad idea but we did. Its kind of hard to go back to how things were and pretend it didnt happen when I see him. Besides, Running out of flags here! #8 the girl he was dating, he is still obbsessed with as they went out for eight years. Almost...to...the...end! #9 I have been a rebound before and that why I didnt want to sleep with him straight away, but I felt unloved and rejected that day and seduced him. The Complete lies you're hoping for something more #10! sex was meant to be casual but how to I act normal now? Im contradiction! #11 kind of bummed because I wanted to be friends with him but I can see thats not going to happen now. It would just be too wierd. And with all of that you wonder why I'm talking to you so bluntly? I'm trying to knock some sense into you and how I can see through what you are doing, the type of men you go for and how you get these men to fall into relationship and then you call me the ******? I know you're extremely young and you just are running around following all these emotions you feel and like a person caught in a house full of smoke, panicked and looking for the nearest door that hopefully leads you to safety and so you can catch your breathe but you're doing some completely immature and typical things here...If you actually thought about this you'd realize it makes absolutely no sense. In fact I realize exactly where you are coming from (believe it or not) and what frustrates me the most Is you're not going to take anyone's advice...you're in that mode where you need a guy's interest/attention and validation in order to feel significant and validated and that's the bottom line you couldn't fool me with anything else, but you're the one that needs to realize it. Stop for a second...back up and slow down, let yourself process these emotions, stop being a crazy person and going after another unavailable guy...you know why? because you're the kind of girl that will keep doing that for a good part of your life..why? because you want to everything that you see as "potential" a chance, you think that somehow you'll magically change a guy or he'll feel something special with you and everything will be ok. I admit, I wasn't that nice to you in your initial post...but the path you're on and going down frustrates me, because honestly I don't even know If I could get through to you right now...you're just going to do what you want to do anyway and not care about the actions that you're committing that will leave you even more hurt...you're just not going to "get it"...you'll fling yourself into the next promising looking thing because you won't know how to cope and tolerate being alone, you need that attention too badly...I can see right through you, look at yourself and your actions, your post...you can't even see these glaring things or you do just don't care when it comes to at least some of them. The funny thing is...that you don't even need a specific guy, you just need any guy, you've just happen to be stuck on this one since he's the one in your sights right now. These men aren't going to fill the void. And the biggest thing you're worried about is looking cheap and easy?...you just don't even get it, not that I expect you to yet...but really unless you want to be dealing with this same crap in your 30's..you should start working on yourself now or at least learning the real value out of these experiences so you can grow up and improve.
RedRobin Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 OP, you've obviously developed some bad habits and coping strategies... the first trick in changing a bad habit is acknowledging it... The other thing about bad habits is that 'willpower' isn't enough. They say the best way to eliminate old habits is to find a healthy new habit... and find a way to distract yourself long enough in the meantime to remember and stick to your plan. So, we have three ingredients here: - Emotional vulnerability... find another outlet besides the opposite sex when you know you are in this state until you build healthier filters and other protective measures. - Alcohol... Is this a common thing? Was it a factor before? - Putting yourself in places/locations where you know your defenses are weak AND adding alcohol. You should avoid being alone with men where sex is easy if you feel vulnerable or aren't ready. Alot of men push. Women like sex too. Problem is, too often men don't suffer the consequences for their lack of discretion. You don't need to feel ashamed. His d*ck was attached to his body. Not yours. He holds equal responsibility for things happening the way they did. You don't need to feel ashamed or wierd anymore. The point of feeling ashamed or wierd is to (internally) motivate you to make changes... so the need for it is done. Put it behind you... and take measures to protect yourself in the future... because at the end of the day... it isn't about THEM at all. Who gives a sh*t if they think you are 'easy'... these guys were right there in it too... However, the truth is, you aren't getting what YOU want and need out of the deal... it's about self-respect and respecting you... not what the guy thinks... Don't make it easy for anyone to take something you aren't ready to freely and lovingly offer... and know they are giving the same.
RedRobin Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 There is a book I read a long time ago that might help you... It's called "How good do we have to be: A new understanding of guilt and forgiveness" Amazon.com: How Good Do We Have to Be? A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness (9780316519335): Harold Kushner: Books If you can get past the religious undertones (it was a rabbi who wrote it), it may help you. What hobbies/interests do you have? In periods where you are feeling emotionally vulnerable, focusing on those would be good until you are more steady. What ways do you have to effectively manage stress? Effective for anyone... it keeps people from unintended consequences of impulsive behavior of all kinds... anger, acting out (sexually and otherwise)... depression. Just a few things I thought might get you past this bump in the road...
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