vent of negativity...

[ihateslowjams]

Im feeling very negative tonight. Don't read if you're prone to negativity. It really is just a vent with hopes of finding encouragement somehow...

 

The negativity is not due to my ex anymore, but its based on what I see now in regards to my life and where I stand in it. There are many things I want to change, but will take a considerable amount of time to complete. Im very fearful of the negative outcomes in my attempt, which brings me to a very depressing state. I know Im supposed to have faith in my decisions, but I don't. I just made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving my job to focus primarily on education, but what if its a futile decision?

 

I decided to quit based on making my application to transfer to a university stronger. Is it going to be worth it? I don't know. Will I get accepted for sure next year? I don't know.

 

I hate not having a definite answer for those questions; It leaves my mind in a volatile state. Ive been conducting much research on the difference between Cal States and UC's for computer engineering, only to find very mixed opinions. Again, nothing is definite and it worries me about the chances of finding a job after graduation. Is there even a difference? or only an Ivy League degree is different?

 

How am I supposed to have faith and confidence in my decision(s) for my future if NOTHING is definite, leaving a huge chance for everything to go wrong? Im usually an optimist, but the BU changed that view now into a pessimist (BU reasons were mostly due to my status in life and how my future is unpredictable). Im very hard on myself now because I was always laid back in the past, thinking everything will work out some how. Well, it didn't. I lost the girl I loved most due to my pending status in life and unpredictable future, which lead to my wake up call to what I'm currently missing in my life: stability, success, and achievements.

 

What I'm currently feeling:

I keep falling deeper into this dark, dark hole I was put in after the BU. I see the light in the very far off distance, but will I be able to reach it? I struggle to reach that light, trying desperately to overcome the obstacles I can't see due to the overwhelming darkness. Will I be able to reach the light? Or is it only an illusion I see, only to be stopped by an invisible obstacle that will prevent me from getting out of the dark hole?

 

I feel like giving up because I'm afraid of failure. I already failed once recently (BU) and its significance really put me on the ringer. Is this the difference between me and someone else who has that drive and determination to be successful (the reason for the BU) that my ex did not see in me? Is this what she was talking about? Is that equivalent to confidence in becoming successful in life?

 

What if someone is confident in becoming successful, but doesn't or won't ever be? Is that still the same thing as being driven and determined?

 

Im so confused right now due to the unforeseen future. When I was with my ex, I had confidence in my future and knew everything will work out, but since she left, not anymore. If something like a relationship, where I had more of a direct control on its outcome, failed, who is to say my life won't fail in the same way?

 

Like I said, Im feeling VERY NEGATIVE tonight... =(

[ihateslowjams]

I went out tonight and realized I have no confidence whatsoever. I was contemplating of staying home instead, but Ive stayed home in the past 2 months moping since the BU and decided it might be time to go out. Big mistake. I didn't even enjoy my friends' company and cringed at their questions of my past relationship, what happened, and what I have planned for myself going forward. I don't have anything to show/share to anyone that my life is going in a positive direction and my depression is eating me up inside.

 

My friends, whom are the same age (27), just finished nursing school and will be buying their own home soon. I, on the other hand, am barely making an attempt to transfer for the following year, will have no job in 2 weeks, and still have a minimum of 3 years to go before I can enter my career field.

 

Im feeling down, but I know I shouldn't stop. I don't really have any friends that I can talk to about this and my own family are having commitment issues of their own, convincing me not to bother them with my issues. It sucks not having anyone to talk to.

 

I did talk to 2 of my closest friends, but their eyes glazed over during the conversation and I didn't bother them again afterwards. I started talking to a therapist, but I don't think its helping one bit. The therapist asked during one of the sessions how I used to vent/cope with my emotional issues. I responded with just talking to my ex or just being physically next to her would take all of my worries away and I'd feel much better, becoming very optimistic afterwards. Now that she's gone, I haven't seen an optimistic view at all. Im struggling to stay afloat...