Ex is contacting me. Need assistance.

[Toru]

My gf broke up with me about 6 months ago. She wasn't attracted to me anymore, felt out of love. But still cared for me and needed some time to herself after she got kicked out of school, which she took really really hard. After reading on Loveshack, textbook 21 year old girl behaviour. (I'm 24)

 

3 Months ago she wanted to talk to me. She apologised for the way she ended it, she did it when we were on a trip together. She said she needed to feel more independent. That she still loved me but enjoyed her time alone. That there was no-one else. Again, textbook. I left it at: Nice to hear, but nothing has changed, and I'm still trying to get over you and we should continue NC.

 

Couple of weeks ago I heard she might have been seeing another guy and there was some gossiping going on. Some friends of mine told her that there were these gossips going around. She immediately contacted me to set things straight. She also talked about it to her parents, which was one of her problems, she never said anything to anyone and her communication was sub-par. We met, set things straight, and hugged me and carressed when she heard my dad had been seriously ill and my grandma was dying. We talked about 4 hours that night. It was really grown-up, fun, and at the end she hugged me 3 times. We spent 30 minutes hugging outside while she kept whispering that those 6 months really did her a lot of good, that she matured a lot and that she's changed. She also tried making future plans.

 

She texted me monday to ask how my grandmother and dad are because she really cared. And that she was happy that we had contact again. I called her to give her an explanation about my grandma and told her I was happy that she cared. We spent 40 min talking. Bit flirty. And today she sent me a friend request on facebook and changed her profile pic to a gorgeous pic I took of her. I saw her mother last week and we talked about how my patience is running dry and that she needs to make a choice soon. Her mother said she never said a bad word about me and that she still feels there are a lot of feelings left.

 

What am I to think of all this? I'm dead scared that she is just dropping breadcrumbs and that the minute things get 'serious' she'll back out again. But it's her who wants to do stuff together. It's her that sent me a friend request. It's her that keeps contacting my family. What are the next steps? Accept her friend request (21st century problems, I know)? I still love her and want her, even though I've healed over these 6 months. I still think she can be the woman of my life. But I'm also so scared about our age, that we have never been with other people. And scared to feel again like I did when she dumped me. Is she genuine? Sometimes I just think, follow your gut and what your heart wants to do and go for it. Other times I'm really rational and I think what are the chances a 21 year old girl and 24 year old guy will make it the rest of their lives together.

 

Thanks for reading. Appreciate it!

 

Martin

[tufa4311]

Keep it simple - the first thing you need to do is decide what YOU want. You can't go anywhere without knowing that. Yes, she is reconnecting and your trying to figure what all this means and if you should trust it and what if your heart gets hurt again, etc, etc. But none of that speaks to what you want. Yes, I know, you love her - but love is not everything. Don't get me wrong, love is beautiful, amazing, and I would hate a world without it - but it is not all there is (I know this from experience). So, what do you want? Once you figure that out, well, then you'll know your next step. Do you want to start a real relationship with her? If so, you'll have to ask her. Yes, she could break our heart again but that's love (: Now, don't jump down her throat, just be honest about what you are seeking with her and see if she is interested and open to that. Then it'll be her turn to tell you what she wants and it'll be your turn to tell her if you are interested and open to that, and on and on. Don't make it too complicated. Be honest, share your feelings, give the other some space and time to think about your questions but make sure you are getting what you want (and giving what you have)

[Toru]

Keep it simple - the first thing you need to do is decide what YOU want. You can't go anywhere without knowing that. Yes, she is reconnecting and your trying to figure what all this means and if you should trust it and what if your heart gets hurt again, etc, etc. But none of that speaks to what you want. Yes, I know, you love her - but love is not everything. Don't get me wrong, love is beautiful, amazing, and I would hate a world without it - but it is not all there is (I know this from experience). So, what do you want? Once you figure that out, well, then you'll know your next step. Do you want to start a real relationship with her? If so, you'll have to ask her. Yes, she could break our heart again but that's love (: Now, don't jump down her throat, just be honest about what you are seeking with her and see if she is interested and open to that. Then it'll be her turn to tell you what she wants and it'll be your turn to tell her if you are interested and open to that, and on and on. Don't make it too complicated. Be honest, share your feelings, give the other some space and time to think about your questions but make sure you are getting what you want (and giving what you have)

 

Thanks for the great advice. I've she has indeed grown a lot in this past half year and if she's willing and able to communicate I would love to be with her again and I believe we can certainly make it work. The only thing that I feel uncomfortable with is asking her if she wants to start a relationship with me. I kinda feel she has to make the first step in that direction and ask the question because she dumped me. Am I wrong in thinking that. I feel if I ask her, or I start talking about relationship stuff I might pressure her and scare her away.

[tufa4311]

My opinion, for what it worth, is you are making it complicated again. You feel uncomfortable asking her because you were the dumpee - I understand where you are coming from but this is not the way you want to go. Don't determine current action based on past action. You talk about growth in communication - you holding out on asking her just because she was the dumper is not good communication - that's more about playing games. "I kinda feel like she has to make the first step" - no, no, no. You are not the person to determine what her actions are - you can only determine what your actions are.

 

Lastly, I totally understand the part about scaring her away. But think about it like this - what you need to do is communicate. You don't have to start right off the bat with asking her to "go steady" again. But you do need to understand where you stand with her. Is she going to see other people, are you? These are things people know pretty early on. She may tell you that she wants to take it slow, and that's totally cool - IF that's acceptable to you also. The last thing you want to do, well, is to do something you don't want to do. That will put you in a negative mood and will put a cloud over the relationship you have with her. The main point this time is you don't want to base your actions on her actions - that's just reacting rather than making your own mind. People react at times, but there needs to be give and take. What you are suggesting sounds more like tip toeing around her because you're afraid she'll do this or wont do that.

[Toru]

My opinion, for what it worth, is you are making it complicated again. You feel uncomfortable asking her because you were the dumpee - I understand where you are coming from but this is not the way you want to go. Don't determine current action based on past action. You talk about growth in communication - you holding out on asking her just because she was the dumper is not good communication - that's more about playing games. "I kinda feel like she has to make the first step" - no, no, no. You are not the person to determine what her actions are - you can only determine what your actions are.

 

Lastly, I totally understand the part about scaring her away. But think about it like this - what you need to do is communicate. You don't have to start right off the bat with asking her to "go steady" again. But you do need to understand where you stand with her. Is she going to see other people, are you? These are things people know pretty early on. She may tell you that she wants to take it slow, and that's totally cool - IF that's acceptable to you also. The last thing you want to do, well, is to do something you don't want to do. That will put you in a negative mood and will put a cloud over the relationship you have with her. The main point this time is you don't want to base your actions on her actions - that's just reacting rather than making your own mind. People react at times, but there needs to be give and take. What you are suggesting sounds more like tip toeing around her because you're afraid she'll do this or wont do that.

 

You're absolutely right when you put it like that. She talked about going to the beach together. If she waits too long, I think I'll just ask her if she wants to go. But sometimes it's hard to know what you want. I want to friend her on facebook again to see what she's up to. But I don't want to see people flirting with her on there and party pics with other guys. So I think I first need to find out what she wants to do. Date other guys, have a different relationship. Or she still loves me that much that she can't imagine herself with anyone else. Kinda feel the answer is going to be the first, but hey. At least I know what I am up against. And someone who's dropping me breadcrumbs and tries to keep me in her life, while actually planning on seeing other people in the future probably isn't that nice.

 

We were together almost 5 years. So this stuff is hard when you have never experienced it. She's the only one I've been with and maybe that just isn't realistic anymore in our day and age. Scares me though, kinda wish we could have that.

[durentu]

Is she genuine? Sometimes I just think, follow your gut and what your heart wants to do and go for it. Other times I'm really rational and I think what are the chances a 21 year old girl and 24 year old guy will make it the rest of their lives together.

 

You ages means nothing. If you are thinking about marriage, then what is 64 vs 61 ?

 

The principle is that the most important thing is what you do with what you have. Dr Gottman is a guy who spent his life trying to figure out why marriages fail/succeed. He found the basic thing and it's conflict resolution.

 

He can predict within 5 mins, if a couple will stay together or divorce with 95%+ accuracy.

 

Every relationship has problems, even between soulmates. But the real golden gem is to see how you patch things back together.

 

In practical matters and spiritual matters, can you work with each other? If things go sour, can you both pull through for each other?

 

Being young means you never had to face starvation and that I think is a disadvantage, because the true character of a person comes from times of difficulties.