Old wounds preventing from moving on.

[xApathy]

Hey guys & gals.

 

This is my first time on this forum and I think it has been a long time coming. I have never spoken about these issues with anyone but later in my life I am starting to see I have baggage and some personal issues that is starting to get in the way of new relationships. I would like to apologise in advance as this will probably be a long post.

 

I am male who has just turned 20. Basically I have only had one serious relationship in my life and I can seriously say I was 100% in love, head over heels and all that jazz. We were together for almost 3 years. I spent a long time being suicidal over this and various other issues that were happening during that time but I eventually came out of it and today I can actually say I am ‘happy’.

 

What happened between us was that she said she did not love me one day randomly when I was so sure everything was fine. As it so happens we were speaking about opening bank accounts and planning our future together. She said how she just thinks she needs time apart which I respected completely so we agreed to break contact and give her space. Long story short she found someone else during out break and I found out for maybe a good 6months I was cheated on many times and she would slander me and tell lies to her friends. I got told all of this off one of our mutual friends as she felt I had the right to know.

 

I felt very betrayed and that our entire relationship was a lie, the night before she dumped me we slept together and she told me she loved me so I was completely blindsided by this news. It was the hardest thing I had to do not contacting her, she even said we would be getting back together at one point and I just believed her then found out she liked someone else, she would also make weird remarks for example she would state how I much more nice looking than her new boyfriend and stuff. I started to realise she was screwing me around so I have not spoken to her in a year. Sometimes I still dream about her and I do not know if I am still in love, I do not think I am not. I just feel hate and that our entire relationship was a lie.

 

I was heartbroken for sure and I have not been in a relationship since and this is where I am asking for advice. I have started to see this girl and I think there is definite chemistry between us and we know we like each other for sure and we want things to progress. I am very shy when around her and we have not even kissed yet and I think this could be frustrating her. It is like I am scared to get close or I am intimidated?

 

However here is where my personal issues come in. If I do not speak to her for some time I start to panic and think she does not like me and is having second thoughts even though she has reassured me of this. I constantly worry this might be a joke and she is just playing around with me. Also when I speak to her I think I talk too much and I should be quiet and leave her alone. I just seem to have this anxiety all the time which is not like me, I am not one to be shy or panic, people actually think I am rather arrogant and big-headed.

 

I obviously don’t want to bring up my past relationship with her because she obviously does not want to hear about it and I feel it may scare her off but I feel some of my issues are related to my past relationship and it annoys me so much. I want to love again and I want to be with this girl but I am just turning into an emotional mess for no reason.

 

I feel I may have rambled a bit much so my apologies. Any advice and comments on this would be greatly appreciated. This was hard for me to write as this is a touchy subject for me; I don’t like knowing one person has caused such an issue for me.

[Tyler.]

Hey xApathy, welcome. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through man. Before saying anything, i just want to tell you (and anyone reading this) , being suicidal is never the way to think. Think of all the people you're going to hurt by doing that. Think how you're going to deprive yourself of all the happiness in life. There is no person on earth that is deserving of that, you may cry, you may feel bad, but killing yourself over a girl, a failed relationship or anyting, that's just not right. Not right by your friends, not right by your parents and not right by the people that love you. They don't deserve that and you can not be the cause of such a pain to them. Never do that, never even think of that.

 

About this new gal, i'm happy for you man. After being hurt , it's ok to feel some insecurities in your next relationship. It's ok dude, you've been out of the game for some time and you're not as confident as you can be. The other thing is, after trusting your ex and her betraying you, you are probably having trust issues with this girl. You may feel you'll get hurt again if you open up, and you might. But the problem is, you won't find true happiness if you're always playing it safe. Just give it some time, tell her about your feelings and try to overcome your insecurities each day. Like if you have problems telling her you like her, or asking her out, just gradually work up to it each day. We all encounter bad people in our life, and sometimes they scar us, but it's in our power to choose whether we look back on this memories and feel bad, or take lessons and improve ourselves.

 

You've found a new girl man, be happy and enjoy it Trust her, and if she does repay your trust, well that's awesome if she doesn't though, just believe that you've given a shot. Don't dwell on the small stuff and just be happy, and if she wants to be with you, make her happy too.

[todreaminblue]

Hey guys & gals.

 

This is my first time on this forum and I think it has been a long time coming. I have never spoken about these issues with anyone but later in my life I am starting to see I have baggage and some personal issues that is starting to get in the way of new relationships. I would like to apologise in advance as this will probably be a long post.

 

I am male who has just turned 20. Basically I have only had one serious relationship in my life and I can seriously say I was 100% in love, head over heels and all that jazz. We were together for almost 3 years. I spent a long time being suicidal over this and various other issues that were happening during that time but I eventually came out of it and today I can actually say I am ‘happy’.

 

What happened between us was that she said she did not love me one day randomly when I was so sure everything was fine. As it so happens we were speaking about opening bank accounts and planning our future together. She said how she just thinks she needs time apart which I respected completely so we agreed to break contact and give her space. Long story short she found someone else during out break and I found out for maybe a good 6months I was cheated on many times and she would slander me and tell lies to her friends. I got told all of this off one of our mutual friends as she felt I had the right to know.

 

I felt very betrayed and that our entire relationship was a lie, the night before she dumped me we slept together and she told me she loved me so I was completely blindsided by this news. It was the hardest thing I had to do not contacting her, she even said we would be getting back together at one point and I just believed her then found out she liked someone else, she would also make weird remarks for example she would state how I much more nice looking than her new boyfriend and stuff. I started to realise she was screwing me around so I have not spoken to her in a year. Sometimes I still dream about her and I do not know if I am still in love, I do not think I am not. I just feel hate and that our entire relationship was a lie.

 

I was heartbroken for sure and I have not been in a relationship since and this is where I am asking for advice. I have started to see this girl and I think there is definite chemistry between us and we know we like each other for sure and we want things to progress. I am very shy when around her and we have not even kissed yet and I think this could be frustrating her. It is like I am scared to get close or I am intimidated?

 

However here is where my personal issues come in. If I do not speak to her for some time I start to panic and think she does not like me and is having second thoughts even though she has reassured me of this. I constantly worry this might be a joke and she is just playing around with me. Also when I speak to her I think I talk too much and I should be quiet and leave her alone. I just seem to have this anxiety all the time which is not like me, I am not one to be shy or panic, people actually think I am rather arrogant and big-headed.

 

I obviously don’t want to bring up my past relationship with her because she obviously does not want to hear about it and I feel it may scare her off but I feel some of my issues are related to my past relationship and it annoys me so much. I want to love again and I want to be with this girl but I am just turning into an emotional mess for no reason.

 

I feel I may have rambled a bit much so my apologies. Any advice and comments on this would be greatly appreciated. This was hard for me to write as this is a touchy subject for me; I don’t like knowing one person has caused such an issue for me.

 

When you feel betrayed or deceived it can feel horrible and cause feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts so I sympathise with you with what must have been a rough going period of time in your life.

 

 

What you could be feeling at the moment is a residual effect of a traumatic time you went through, that was not properly dealt with.I suggest that you speak to a professional about what happened to you in the past before you make any major life decisons that affect your future. I have a combination of mental illnesses that have been a result of severe trauma that was not dealt with.

One trauma alone, I now suffer with from early in life could have been the reason I now have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.This trauma was never dealt with effectively so when other trauma happened, or I faced difficult and complex choices,a snowball effect occurred, that affected my ability to make rational decisions, that would positively impact my life.You need to deal with the first traumatic time you went through to be completely happy in your new relationship.

 

Love is a battlefield and you are already wounded, give yourself some space, time, and seek professional help to heal your self or the snowball will take you down the hill,you will have many more wounds to fix, instead of you climbing to bigger and better things, happy, in love and at peace with any decision that you make, as you know that it will be the right one for you.

 

I hope that I have helped you in some way......best wishes for you and yours....deb

[xApathy]

Hey xApathy, welcome. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through man. Before saying anything, i just want to tell you (and anyone reading this) , being suicidal is never the way to think. Think of all the people you're going to hurt by doing that. Think how you're going to deprive yourself of all the happiness in life. There is no person on earth that is deserving of that, you may cry, you may feel bad, but killing yourself over a girl, a failed relationship or anyting, that's just not right. Not right by your friends, not right by your parents and not right by the people that love you. They don't deserve that and you can not be the cause of such a pain to them. Never do that, never even think of that.

 

About this new gal, i'm happy for you man. After being hurt , it's ok to feel some insecurities in your next relationship. It's ok dude, you've been out of the game for some time and you're not as confident as you can be. The other thing is, after trusting your ex and her betraying you, you are probably having trust issues with this girl. You may feel you'll get hurt again if you open up, and you might. But the problem is, you won't find true happiness if you're always playing it safe. Just give it some time, tell her about your feelings and try to overcome your insecurities each day. Like if you have problems telling her you like her, or asking her out, just gradually work up to it each day. We all encounter bad people in our life, and sometimes they scar us, but it's in our power to choose whether we look back on this memories and feel bad, or take lessons and improve ourselves.

 

You've found a new girl man, be happy and enjoy it Trust her, and if she does repay your trust, well that's awesome if she doesn't though, just believe that you've given a shot. Don't dwell on the small stuff and just be happy, and if she wants to be with you, make her happy too.

 

Thanks so much man. I understand now being suicidal was very silly and she was not worth me thinking that. I have been working on my insecurities and i think i am gradually getting over them.

 

We had a date the other night and we both decided we really want things to progress so i might ask us to be exclusive soon but not flaunt it around, god even makes me nervous thinking about asking her that haha but it beats feeling sad and depressed for sure!

 

Thanks a lot for your kind words man, they really did help and i am very happy you replied to me.

 

 

Also Deb,

 

Thanks for replying. I am sorry to hear you have PTSD. I do not really think i need to go into therapy, anymore at least.

 

I understand i need to take risks if i want to love again and i think if i can get over my ex ( which i think i am not to be honest ) i can get over another person hurting me.

 

Thanks again for replying to me,

 

All the best.

[Tyler.]

Go for it, she obviously likes you I guarantee that she'll say yes with a big smile on her face.