AD1980 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) The whole cuddling thread and others got me thinking about the dynamic between friends spouses and my relationship with them.. My best friends wife has become like a sister to me we are pretty close i probably text with her more then my friend but whenever i text with her i try to text with him also becasue in my mind its disrepsectful even though nothings going on between us.. I also am wary of any touching or affection..my friends wife is pretty affectionate once in awhile shell hug me or put her arms around me and while she doesnt mean anything byi m pretty old school and want to make sure it doesnt last too long so my friend never gets the wrong idea.. Im wondering some of your relationships and the dynamic and wheter or not your overly wary of what your friend might think about your relationship with his or her spouse and where you guys draw a line if any Edited August 2, 2012 by AD1980
Leopard Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 The other thread was ridiculous. You don't cuddle with friends of the opposite sex unless there are sexual implications, let alone other people's WIVES. I am not close with my friends spouses. The only time I see them is when I see my friend. 1
ptp Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I wouldn't like it at all if my friends were texting my GF more than me. Why can't you befriend somebody else, why does it have to be your friend's wife? 1
Author AD1980 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 I wouldn't like it at all if my friends were texting my GF more than me. Why can't you befriend somebody else, why does it have to be your friend's wife? Because i see these people every week and have grown real close with both..She usually initiates the text's. I dont see the big deal its not like were sexting
ptp Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Because i see these people every week and have grown real close with both..She usually initiates the text's. I dont see the big deal its not like were sexting Still don't understand, you are telling me, you can't hang out with somebody else regularly? You can't form an outside friendship that doesn't include your best friend's wife? If a friend of mine was doing this kind of behavior, I would put a stop to it immediately. Anyway, people are different and maybe your friend is cool with it. I just wouldn't be, I think it is inappropriate. 1
Author AD1980 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) Still don't understand, you are telling me, you can't hang out with somebody else regularly? You can't form an outside friendship that doesn't include your best friend's wife? Who the hell said shes my only "outside friend"? we text maybe twice a week with each other not every second.. Hes my best friend i see all the time so in turn ive hung out with his wife alot and now shes like my sister..its not like i hang out with her when hes not there.. So you would "put a stop" to texting a friend twice a week in fear of what? youre quite the paranoid gestapo Edited August 2, 2012 by AD1980
ptp Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Who the hell said shes my only "outside friend"? we text maybe twice a week with each other not every second.. Hes my best friend i see all the time so in turn ive hung out with his wife alot and now shes like my sister..its not like i hang out with her when hes not there.. So you would "put a stop" to texting a friend twice a week in fear of what? youre quite the paranoid gestapo Hey you are the one who created this thread so obviously there is some doubt in your mind as to what is appropriate. You asked where I would draw the line. I have given you my answer don't be upset if it wasn't the one you wanted to hear. 1
january2011 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 No cuddling except for very small kids who I'm close to and my SO. No frequent texting with friend's partners - I'm not a fan of texting anyway, so the only people I'd ever get into text conversations with is my family or my SO. I hate texting with friends - I sometimes end up breaking the texting conversation because I lose interest. And because I don't get free texts on my non-contract phone unless I spend above a certain amount (which I rarely ever do) I'm not going to spend all my pennies on smalltalk - I'd rather get together and meet face-to-face. Any hugs are very brief - no lingering. And I try to stay away from cheek kissing. The only opposite sex person I get touchy feely with is my SO. It might sound like I'm no fun, but I believe in strong boundaries. Don't put yourself into ambiguous situations. Innocent ones that repeat with frequency become a trend and before you know it, you've gotten yourself into a messy situation. My general rule of thumb is that if what you're doing intrudes on your relationship or anyone else's relationship then it's time to stop. Especially if you wouldn't do what you're doing in front of your SO. Anything that makes you feel guilty and question whether it's "okay" suggests that you're crossing some line.
Author AD1980 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Hey you are the one who created this thread so obviously there is some doubt in your mind as to what is appropriate. You asked where I would draw the line. I have given you my answer don't be upset if it wasn't the one you wanted to hear. So youd forbid any texting or friendship from your friends and girlfriend/wife?
writergal Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) Who the hell said shes my only "outside friend"? we text maybe twice a week with each other not every second.. And they say de-Nile ain't just a river...you're playing with fire my friend. I like your deflection-defense, "we text maybe twice a week with each other not ever second." Uh-huh. So technically you're not doing anything wrong unless the texts are more than twice a week? Will that be your defense when your best friend suspects you and his wife are cheating behind his back? Who cares how many times you text. Do you KNOW how affairs start? The exact way you've behaving; innocent, flirty, fun texts with your best friend's wife. Statements like, "Oh she's just like a sister to me." Eventually, one of you will escalate the texting to sexting, then before you know it, you're re-enacting scenes from the HBO series Sex and the City, where Carrie and Big met up at different hotels over Big's lunch hour to have sex behind his wife Natasha's back. Hes my best friend i see all the time so in turn ive hung out with his wife alot and now shes like my sister..its not like i hang out with her when hes not there.. Technically speaking, you are hanging out with your best friend's wife behind his back by exchanging texts with her. And if you're hanging out with her when he's not around. That's totally inappropriate behavior. I never text with any of my married friend's husbands because that's not appropriate, and they never text with me because they love their wives and have good boundaries. And I'm good friends with my friends' husbands but I would never communicate with them behind my friends' backs. I only talk to them when I see them in person. Put yourself in your best friend's shoes for a moment. Imagine he picked up his wife's cell phone to use it because he forgot his, and he saw all of the text messages you two have exchanged. Do you really want to convince me that he wouldn't read into the text messages you've exchanged with his wife? Of course he will. He'll suspect that you are are having an affair. Then he'll confront you both, and you'll both lie (to protect your own egos, meanwhile disrespecting your best friend's friendship, his wife and the sanctity of their marriage), which will end your friendship and possibly break up their marriage. I'm giving you the worst case scenario here, for reality's sake. So you would "put a stop" to texting a friend twice a week in fear of what? youre quite the paranoid gestapo If anyone's paranoid here, it's you. Maybe because in the back of your mind, I think you know what you're doing is totally inappropriate, but you do it because you like her attention, and you need people to validate that as long as you aren't sleeping with your best friend's wife, texting her is okay. This woman is not your friend. She is your best friend's "wife." There's a difference. You need to show your best friend and his wife more respect, and stop texting back and forth with her. If you continue doing it, I guarantee you that it will only lead to more trouble. Edited August 3, 2012 by writergal
xxoo Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 General rule: don't do anything you wouldn't do in front of her spouse. Next rule: don't do anything you can't handle. If you are developing feelings for her--back off. I don't see anything wrong with being her friend, including texts, if it falls under the two rules above.
Author AD1980 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 And they say de-Nile ain't just a river...you're playing with fire my friend. I like your deflection-defense, "we text maybe twice a week with each other not ever second." Uh-huh. So technically you're not doing anything wrong unless the texts are more than twice a week? Will that be your defense when your best friend suspects you and his wife are cheating behind his back? Who cares how many times you text. Do you KNOW how affairs start? The exact way you've behaving; innocent, flirty, fun texts with your best friend's wife. Statements like, "Oh she's just like a sister to me." Eventually, one of you will escalate the texting to sexting, then before you know it, you're re-enacting scenes from the HBO series Sex and the City, where Carrie and Big met up at different hotels over Big's lunch hour to have sex behind his wife Natasha's back. Technically speaking, you are hanging out with your best friend's wife behind his back by exchanging texts with her. And if you're hanging out with her when he's not around. That's totally inappropriate behavior. I never text with any of my married friend's husbands because that's not appropriate, and they never text with me because they love their wives and have good boundaries. And I'm good friends with my friends' husbands but I would never communicate with them behind my friends' backs. I only talk to them when I see them in person. Put yourself in your best friend's shoes for a moment. Imagine he picked up his wife's cell phone to use it because he forgot his, and he saw all of the text messages you two have exchanged. Do you really want to convince me that he wouldn't read into the text messages you've exchanged with his wife? Of course he will. He'll suspect that you are are having an affair. Then he'll confront you both, and you'll both lie (to protect your own egos, meanwhile disrespecting your best friend's friendship, his wife and the sanctity of their marriage), which will end your friendship and possibly break up their marriage. I'm giving you the worst case scenario here, for reality's sake. If anyone's paranoid here, it's you. Maybe because in the back of your mind, I think you know what you're doing is totally inappropriate, but you do it because you like her attention, and you need people to validate that as long as you aren't sleeping with your best friend's wife, texting her is okay. This woman is not your friend. She is your best friend's "wife." There's a difference. You need to show your best friend and his wife more respect, and stop texting back and forth with her. If you continue doing it, I guarantee you that it will only lead to more trouble. I cant describe the levels of drama queen you are:laugh: This women is indeed my "friend" now in fact shes like a sister since ive seen her so much the past few years..how is that odd that people being around each other a lot can develop a friendship and bond? My friend knows we text and he doesnt care..maybe hes crazy but he actually beleives a man and women can text and have a friendship without banging each other i guess well find out if hes right
Emilia Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I chat with them on facebook, always on their pages, never privately through PM. Don't text and only hug when we great each other. No touching but jokes and immature comments about wrestling photos are allowed
Leigh 87 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 It can be totally innoccent. Some husbands and wives hang out and become quiet close to other couples... where the women ARE genuinely friends with OTHER guys husbands.... It can and DOES happen, ALL the time.... I more rare cases, someones wife CAN just get very close with another guy! These close friendships happen and again, can be totall innocuous. However, some idiots ruin it for every one, people have to set boundries because there are too many people who cannot keep it in their pants, or are too selfish to committ to a very long term relationship, and get close to people and then find themselves attracted to something new. Although I doubt people who are truly in love would run from a long term partnership, for the thrill of something " new" What your doing with your mates wife sounds totally innocent to ME; twice a wweek texting is not too much for my comfort level, if you only really see her when your with your mate... and only have the odd coffee with fer once a month, during the times she is NOT with her hubby.... Look.. I think it can all be very innocent, but I do not personally think being VERY close, to a person if your sexuaall attracted to them, and also get along reall well with them and have even ANY chemistry with... that is why RELATIONSHIPS start; because you really come to love a person who you also happen to be sexually attracted to. If it is twice a week texting, it sounds fine; if your both attracted to each other, and if she does not have a rock solid relationship with her husband, then run..
yongyong Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Let me describe your situation. 'Walking in a store with a baggy jeans, pocketful of your personal items' Although you didn't do anything wrong, it could create a false assumption when you walk out. So you would avoid doing such things. did it make sense?
Buck Turgidson Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Still don't understand, you are telling me, you can't hang out with somebody else regularly? As if friends were completely expendable, interchangeable playthings.
brahmabull117 Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 My friends' girlfriends are like my sisters. Even a sexual thought is the equivalent of a sexual thought for my sister in my mind
The Way I Am Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Cuddling is completely over the line. What you describe seems fine. Though as someone else said, if you're attracted to her or she's attracted to you, it's not appropriate. That's where you can get into trouble.
EasyHeart Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 When I saw the title of this thread, I thought "You treat them like sisters". I was all excited to share this brilliant bit of wisdom but was pleasantly surprised to see lots of other posters say essentially the same thing. I am close to many of my friends' wives. I talk to them and sometimes have lunch or coffee with them. I don't kiss or snuggle with them, and I hug them the same way I hug my mom. We also don't keep any secrets from her husband/my friend about what we do or say; every thing is above-board and open. If you find yourself (or her!) starting to keep secrets, then you know trouble is starting.
fucpcg Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 One of my best friends, his wife is one of my best friends. I keep in regular contact with both. They trust each other, they trust me, I trust the two of them. Pretty simple really. OH, and his wife is absolutely one of the most beautiful women I know. So what? She's married. To a man I respect 100% This whole conversation is trivial really, unless someone in this equation is not trustworthy. I never worry about what I say or do with her, because I know I'm not up to anything fishy, and neither is she. The thought or worry about how close we are never crosses my mind.
Author AD1980 Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 if you're attracted to her or she's attracted to you, it's not appropriate. That's where you can get into trouble. So two people of the opposite sex one whos married cant be friends if they think the other is good looking? Maybe i should ask her if im ugly and if she says no ill cut the friendship off since it might lead to sex
The Way I Am Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 (edited) So two people of the opposite sex one whos married cant be friends if they think the other is good looking? Maybe i should ask her if im ugly and if she says no ill cut the friendship off since it might lead to sex There's a difference between thinking someone is good looking and being attracted to them. I think most actors are good looking but only Ewan McGregor and Joseph Gordon Levitt give me that little swoon when I see them onscreen. I'm talking about the swooning, butterflies, sparkle in the eye feeling. If you've got that but try to fool yourself that you're just friends, that's where you get problems. Edited August 5, 2012 by The Way I Am
Author AD1980 Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 There's a difference between thinking someone is good looking and being attracted to them. I think most actors are good looking but only Ewan McGregor and Joseph Gordon Levitt give me that little swoon when I see them onscreen. I'm talking about the swooning, butterflies, sparkle in the eye feeling. If you've got that but try to fool yourself that you're just friends, that's where you get problems. Im a loyal person and love my friend to death and would never jeopardize his marriage by getting feelings for his wife.. As for the wife she seems to love him to death so i doubt shed let herself feel sparks and butterflies for another guy and if she did then that would mean somethings probably horribly wrong in their relationship.. If a relationship is built on a solid foundation which i think theres is i dont think shed let herself get to that point of a friendship connection and turning it into something more mentally..
The Way I Am Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 I wasn't suggesting or implying that you or she are attracted to each other. I was just making a general statement. I didn't think this was a big deal, but your response kind of has me rethinking that. I notice the one thing you didn't say was that you're not attracted to her. If you are, that's dangerous territory. Maybe she is someone who is completely devoted to her husband, but if you develop feelings (I'm not saying you will), that means either your friend or you will get hurt. I don't know you or your friends, so I won't claim to know your motivations. You're free to do what you want whether I think it's a bad idea or not and you don't have to justify it to me. But if you get happy just because she texts or look forward spending time with your friends more because you get to see his wife than than because you get to see your friend, you're already falling for her. I'm not saying that's how it is, but I'm saying the IF that's the way it is, you're crossing the line. If on the other hand you feel no differently getting texts from her vs how you'd feel getting a text a guy friend or seeing a guy friend vs her, then I don't see any problem.
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