Tami1971 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) My soon to be ex husband and I were together for 11 years and married for 8 years. I have a daughter and son and he has a son but we have no children together. He slapped me across my face twice in the 11 years but the last time my glasses flew across the room (and it was over a plane ticket)...He also kicked MY daughter out of our house the week before she turned 21 while I was at work....He actually told me several times that all of our problems were 100% MY fault...After going to counseling (before he hit me) and trying to make things work for years, we got into an argument on September 23rd of last year. He told me to just leave. I told him ok. He laid on the bed and watched me pack and never stopped me from walking out the door. Two weeks later he filed for divorce. Shortly, about 8 days after he kicked me out, I started talking to my elementary and high school sweetheart - We had not spoken in over 25 years. We INSTANTLY hit it off and are now engaged to be married in the future. My MAIN problem is that my EX says he still loves me and can not live without me. He is CONSTANTLY putting things on his Facebook wall about how sad he is, how heartbroken he is, etc....(It has almost been a year since he told me to leave)....He NEVER portrayed any of those emotions to me when we were together. I told him over and over that I felt like we were roommates with benefits and he did nothing but blame me for it. I am not IN love with my EX anylonger, I do however still care about him and do not want to see him hurting. He also keeps in contact with my daughter telling her how miserable he is, which I don't think is fair to her. I am VERY happy in my new relationship but my heart breaks everyday knowing that I have hurt my EX so deeply..... PLEASE, if anyone has any advice on how I can get past the guilt let me know - I BEG OF YOU - I feel as though I am going to have a nervous breakdown any second of every day. Thank you so much!!!! Edited August 2, 2012 by Tami1971 Wrong title
KatZee Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 He sounds manipulative as hell and highly immature for putting your daughter between you two. That's not his place to do that and I'm sure she feels highly uncomfortable. I think you or she needs to tell him to stop. You've been with him a long time and the soft spot for him is inevitably there, but he hasn't been good to you. He's done a lot to you over the years. It's the fact he sees you happy, moving on and with someone else that's spurring these "heartfelt" confessions. I'm sure if you were to cancel your new engagement and go back to him he'd drop the facade and continue right where he left off. Try to drop the guilt you feel for "hurting him so deeply." Come on. Where was his guilt when he was busy smacking you around and hurting you for 11 years? You found something better for yourself. That's nothing to feel guilty about. Tell him that he had 11 years to show you this appreciation and he never did. You're happy, you're moving on and you hope he can do the same. 5
UpwardForward Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I'm very happy that you're no longer In love w him. This is a great start. Aside from the slappings - laying across the bed watching you pack and then filing for divorce - this to me is very telling. HE closed the door! If you are feeling guilty, reduce your R w him to that of communicative friendship (email) only. Counseling him, or whatever. After you are remarried, it can be completely over. 1
so_difficult Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I'm married to a manipulator who I still care about even though I don't love him anymore and life is a living hell. Please for your own sake don't go back there! Be happy. Why go back to that misery? Do yourself a favor and unfriend him. I bet once he knows you're not listening to him, he'll stop talking. 1
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) I am not IN love with my EX anylonger, I do however still care about him and do not want to see him hurting. understandable, if you're the one who inflicted the pain. BUT YOU'RE NOT. This is all self-contrived, and he's entirely to blame - there is nobody responsible for the crap he's spouting, but him. The biter, bit. And it's all his fault, NOT YOURS! He also keeps in contact with my daughter telling her how miserable he is, which I don't think is fair to her. Tell her to block his number, his emails and his Facebook. He is trying to get at you through the people you love, and laying it on with a trowel. Tell him - and I mean this - to stay away from your daughter, or you'll get a court order - she has no moral or filial obligation towards him at all, and as such, he has no right of any kind to implicate her. I am VERY happy in my new relationship but my heart breaks everyday knowing that I have hurt my EX so deeply..... You haven't. YOU HAVEN'T - YOU HAVEN'T - YOU HAVEN'T!! He did it. He did it, HE did it, HE DID IT!! you have GOT to get it through your head that this is not on you - this is not something you should ever feel guilty about - at all! PLEASE, if anyone has any advice on how I can get past the guilt let me know - I BEG OF YOU - I feel as though I am going to have a nervous breakdown any second of every day. you need to see a counsellor, and explain all this to them - and I guaran-fekkin'-tee it, they will tell you, in whichever way they choose - that you are carrying a burden of guilt, completely unnecessarily, and that you need to re-evaluate your own self-worth, because this guy isn't looking for forgiveness, redemption or a way back in - he's looking to erode anything you have left - and you're letting him!! Be fair to yourself - but above all, be fair to the love of your life, now - because the more time you spend going crazy over this jerk, the less you give your partner - and he deserves more - and so do you!!! Thank you so much!!!! Please - Thank us by listening - and knowing we're right on the button!! Edited August 3, 2012 by TaraMaiden 3
stupidgirl22 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 so he hit you, kicked out your daughter then lay on his duvet and watched you pack and then filed for divorce?? You picked yourself up, dusted down and against all odds got strong, moved forward and even met a decent man who you are now engaged to. Congratulatiosn. Your ex saw you blossom without him and doesn't like it. He is atypical cotnrolling manipulative narcissist and now he's crying on facebook like a baby coz he realizes he messed up good. the divorce papers to you were I imagine an attempt to hurt, blame and punish, scare you, laugh at you - you name it, it was cruelty beyond belief!!!! Please PLEASE severe all contact with him; do not fall for the theatrics. His performance is fantastic and he is winning you over already because now you're feeling guilty when you have done nothing wrong! Ignore him and he will go away; if you listen to him or speak to him, he will carry on until he gets you back. You're happy now and it's not your concern to be worrying about whether he is after everything he has done to you! Good luck :-) PS does your new guy know all about this and if so what are this thoughts? 3
Author Tami1971 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 First off, I can not thank each and everyone one of you enough for your advice! My fiance, knows EVERYTHING and he is NOT happy about it at all. He is no where near mad or upset with me for the way I feel but he IS mad at my EX for making me feel guilty. It pisses him off so badly. He already wants to get ahold of my EX for laying a hand on me in the first place and this just makes him even more angry at him. He tells me that even though my EX and I have been seperated for almost a year now he is STILL controlling me!! My fiance is the BEST man a woman could ever ask for.....He is so understanding when it comes to me and my emotions, it is scary sometimes...lol. TaraMaiden, you really opened my eyes when you said "Be fair to yourself - but above all, be fair to the love of your life, now - because the more time you spend going crazy over this jerk, the less you give your partner - and he deserves more - and so do you!!!".......My fiance DOES deserve my emotions and full attention, good or bad, and noone else does. I have an appointment with a counselor this coming Monday evening, although all of you have made me feel SOOOO much better.....I am going to print this off and show my fiance this afternoon and I am sure he will say "That is what I have been telling you"....LOL...... Sometimes it just helps to hear the advice from people who are not involved ya know? Again, I can't thank you enough!!!!!! Tami 2
jmjacobs31 Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I just spend the past 12 years with a manipulator. Thankfully he never hit me but he has this way of turning everything into my fault. Somehow he would be able to turn him forgetting to pick something up from the store into my fault. Hes become so good at manipulating me that I dont even notice when hes doing it sometimes. My therapist has helped a great deal with this. Shes helped me take a step back and see what kind of person he really is. Shes also helped me see what being in a manipulative relationship does to a person. It also sounds like you might have some codependency issues. Your ex is not allowed to make you feel bad for a choice HE made. You didn't make this choice, you didn't ask for it. Thankfully you are happy in a new relationship so you don't believe his BS and go back to him. Look into seeing a therapist, its worth it. 1
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Great going Tami - that's the approach to take! Now, also get in touch with your daughter and tell her: "You and me kid, this guy is not going to ruin our lives one more day!" you have to block every single possible avenue for him to get at you, but you owe it to your daughter, as her mother, to help protect her from this mind-phukkin' jerk, too. Get together with her, and agree a strategy. Apologise that it ever got this far - you would never have wanted this for the world, and you know how damaging such experiences can be - but that you and she, together, can kick this guy to the kerb! Stand together, and he will never get through the impenetrable wall of the three of you, again. and make your partner this promise: "He will never again, from this instant on, ever invade the space in my head that you deserve to have. I do not say heart - because all my heart is yours already." 3
Author Tami1971 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 I am defeintiely going to talk with my daughter. It isn't fair that un-due stress be put on her or that he continually puts her in the middle....AGAIN, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I now feel comfortable enough to confess that when I first saw your thread, I coulda sworn it read "How do I get rid of my quilt???":rolleyes: 3
PoopHappens Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I personally don't think he cares about you, just the concept of you. You had the courage to walk and he can't handle that. He'll bring you back if he could just so he could throw you out. Hurt is a relative thing. Ending relationships are full of it. You've done your stint, if he actually hurts, which I doubt, then it's his turn anyways. Physical violence is a sad sad thing. Blaming you is just as sad. Quite FB if you have to but stop reading his postings. 1
DuckSoup Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 It sounds like you are playing your old flame/fiance off against your husband to make your husband jealous. Hey, it worked! Congratulations.
Author Tami1971 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 It sounds like you are playing your old flame/fiance off against your husband to make your husband jealous. Hey, it worked! Congratulations. No, actually I am NOT trying to make my EX jealous at all.....We can not see each others Facebook due to me having him BLOCKED but we do have mutual friends in common (a few).....
DuckSoup Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I am VERY happy in my new relationship but my heart breaks everyday knowing that I have hurt my EX so deeply..... This is so disingenous. You get kicked out, divorce papers filed against you, and only days later you hook up with an old flame???? You felt yourself the woman scorned and hooking up with the old flame was the payback, and it worked. Crying crocodile tears over how badly you have hurt your husband (he's not quite an "ex" yet, is he?) is not very convincing to anyone. You INTENDED to hurt him, and you did.
Author Tami1971 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 This is so disingenous. You get kicked out, divorce papers filed against you, and only days later you hook up with an old flame???? You felt yourself the woman scorned and hooking up with the old flame was the payback, and it worked. Crying crocodile tears over how badly you have hurt your husband (he's not quite an "ex" yet, is he?) is not very convincing to anyone. You INTENDED to hurt him, and you did. Wow, you have absolutely NO idea what you are talking about - "Hooking up with the old flame" was no where near payback!!! I actually found someone (not even looking for anyone) that treated and treats me better than I could EVER imagine......Not that I have to explain myself to you by any means BUT we started out as friends and our relationship evolved from there.... I NEVER intended to hurt my EX (yes, we have been seperated for almost a year so he IS an EX).....To be quite frank, I honestly didn't even think he would care.....He never acted like he cared that much when we were together.....REMEMBER, HE IS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO LEAVE! Our marriage was over the last time he slapped me across the face....I just didn't have the courage to leave until he actually TOLD me to!!!
TaraMaiden Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 No, actually I am NOT trying to make my EX jealous at all.....We can not see each others Facebook due to me having him BLOCKED but we do have mutual friends in common (a few)..... Tami - ignore him. flamers get in everywhere. to ignore a poster, click on their name. click 'view public profile' top left, under their name, it says 'user lists'. click, and select "add to ignore list". you'll be asked to confirm whether this is what you really want. confirm. done. works for me every time.... I have many people on my ignore list, and I'm sure I'm on theirs. difference being, an awful lot of them have now been banned for trolling and flaming... I'm still here.... 1
dreamingoftigers Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Trust me, to that one, the woman is always wrong. If you as a wife brought your husband every global appetizer on a silver platter, he'd bitch that it wasn't a gold platter. 2
lolita jade Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Hi, I know what guilt feels like. Guilt for mainly splitting the family up. No matter how old they are. It comes back to haunt you that your kids haven't had a happy outcome. Even though things were perfect when they were small. My adult kids plead for me to move on as my husband has. I think as a mother, the nurturing side of you is so strong, it is really alien to do this to your kids. It haunts me regularly. The only thing I can say is you have to live with with it, no choice but it will get less and less as time passes. And hopefully subceed altogether! Your kids have their own life. They don't truly understand the suffering you go through because they haven't had the experience of life. Take a deep breath and keep busy!!
wolfman Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 I understand your situation, and feel that guilt. I am still married to my wife but we are simply roommates w/o benefits. We really don't see eye to eye on anything. I know I would be happier alone and starting a new life, our 2 teenage girls would be happier not being exposed to the constant conflict between the two of us. We have been married a long time and when I try to leave she begs me to stay and brings the girls into the discussion before we can work things. So I reluctantly stay to avoid the guilt and the pain this will cause the girls and my wife. The other issue is I fear I will not be allowed to see my gris who I love deeply. She is very manipulative and would like come up with a way to get a restraining order or something just out of spite. So here I'm am trapped in a loveless marriage. The thing that really messes with my mind is she wants me to reassure her that I love her and I say I am not sure and need time to work things out. But deep down I already know the answer I am just avoiding the short term aggravation of leaving. My c said I'm now in a mild depression.
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