blackmagik Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Now I am in an awkward situation. I am dating a girl who is bisexual. Now we already established rules with that. There is no limits with girls, but I do have to be aware of the situation. Last night she asked me if cuddling was okay. I said I don't care if there is cuddling as long as it wasn't with other guys. To me, even though there is probably nothing going to happen, it puts her in a situation where things could happen. To me it also cheapens the affection I would get because she is so free to share that affection with another man. I do trust her and know she wouldn't cheat, but I really don't trust other guys in the situation. It brings in opportunity, and when there is opportunity people tend to at least try and see. She doesn't see to get my argument and says its sexist and that I am not trusting her at all.. Its a huge boundary I don't want to open up at all. I have told her all these things as well. What do I say to this? Do I even waste my time continuing to date her? What is your guys and gals (especially gals) opinion on this?
Author blackmagik Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 It is sexist. How? I feel threatened in the relationship with other guys. Girls don't threaten me. As I put it while we were discussing the rules surrounding her being with girls. Girls give her something I can never give her. I can give her anything that any guy can.
proseandpassion Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Why on earth would she want to cuddle with other guys besides you? She sounds kind of odd. 1
Author blackmagik Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 Why on earth would she want to cuddle with other guys besides you? She sounds kind of odd. That is what I was saying. She said, I quote, "I am an affectionate person, it isn't any different than a hug, you are overreacting." I of course said it is completely different than a hug. Although she says she has self control and it wouldn't mean anything other than someone to cuddle for the night etc. I have been cheated on in the past by everyone that has gotten to the level I can "trust them" I feel like opening this door is allowing it to creep its ugly head in again. She says I am punishing her for the transgressions of others. I don't think this is the case. I just don't think it is common practice for people who care for one another. She says she is okay with me cuddling with a clothed girl in a nonsexual manner, so I should be okay with her and a guy. I said, "I wouldn't even want to ever cuddle anyone else." I'm confused.
chphan Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Last night she asked me if cuddling was okay. I said I don't care if there is cuddling as long as it wasn't with other guys. To me, even though there is probably nothing going to happen, it puts her in a situation where things could happen. To me it also cheapens the affection I would get because she is so free to share that affection with another man. I do trust her and know she wouldn't cheat, but I really don't trust other guys in the situation. It brings in opportunity, and when there is opportunity people tend to at least try and see. You pretty much answer your own concerns about the situation without really needing to ask us. The question is what are you going to be doing about it since there's a disagreement on this issue between you and her. Someone will have to compromise or this isn't going to work in the long run as I can see this as an issue that will start couple fights between the 2 of you including trust issues between the 2 of you even if you keep trying to tell yourself that you trust her over and over.
proseandpassion Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 That is what I was saying. She said, I quote, "I am an affectionate person, it isn't any different than a hug, you are overreacting." I of course said it is completely different than a hug. Although she says she has self control and it wouldn't mean anything other than someone to cuddle for the night etc. I have been cheated on in the past by everyone that has gotten to the level I can "trust them" I feel like opening this door is allowing it to creep its ugly head in again. She says I am punishing her for the transgressions of others. I don't think this is the case. I just don't think it is common practice for people who care for one another. She says she is okay with me cuddling with a clothed girl in a nonsexual manner, so I should be okay with her and a guy. I said, "I wouldn't even want to ever cuddle anyone else." I'm confused. She shouldn't want to be with anyone else, period. Man or woman. She wants her cake and wants to eat it, too. Unless she wants to have sex with a woman in front of you so you can join in the fun, she basically wants stability and comfort (you) and excitement and adventure (other women, men to cuddle with). If you want something serious and want someone completely devoted to you, I say move on and find a more suitable partner. 2
Author blackmagik Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 She shouldn't want to be with anyone else, period. Man or woman. She wants her cake and wants to eat it, too. Unless she wants to have sex with a woman in front of you so you can join in the fun, she basically wants stability and comfort (you) and excitement and adventure (other women, men to cuddle with). If you want something serious and want someone completely devoted to you, I say move on and find a more suitable partner. I agree, its just hard with the girls because I already agreed to it before we decided to become exclusive. I thought it would be a requirement to date her, I later found out it wouldn't have. Yet it was too late to change it at that point. I really like your point of view with me for the stability, comfort, and commitment, but the girls and cuddle partners for adventure and "fun". I think I know what I need to do, I just want other peoples perspectives on it to make sure I am not crazy by making such demands.
NoMagicBullet Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Last night she asked me if cuddling was okay. I said I don't care if there is cuddling as long as it wasn't with other guys. To me, even though there is probably nothing going to happen, it puts her in a situation where things could happen. To me it also cheapens the affection I would get because she is so free to share that affection with another man. I do trust her and know she wouldn't cheat, but I really don't trust other guys in the situation. It brings in opportunity, and when there is opportunity people tend to at least try and see. I see your point of view as entirely reasonable. I totally agree. She doesn't see to get my argument and says its sexist and that I am not trusting her at all.. Its a huge boundary I don't want to open up at all. I have told her all these things as well. What do I say to this? Do I even waste my time continuing to date her? What is your guys and gals (especially gals) opinion on this? It's very much the fashion these days for people to accuse you of having a problem when you are trying to establish a relationship with some healthy boundaries and respect. You know, those things that get in the way of people doing whatever the hell they want with no consequences. Sexist? You don't trust her? BS. You're not sexist, you just don't want to share her with other men. Just because she's bisexual and you've agreed that she can do whatever she wants with girls doesn't mean she gets a free pass to be dishing out her affections to other guys. She doesn't seem willing for you to be the only guy she's cuddling with, and she sounds like the type who would resentfully throw it in your face if she ever reluctantly agreed to to cool it with other men. I'm thinking you need to cut her loose and find someone who voluntarily saves the cuddling and affection for you alone. 1
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