My sister's affair

[beenburned]

The thought for this thread was started when I read of Mercy's account of her sister's affair.

 

My sister married her HS sweetheart. They were happy and compatible in all ways except one.

 

After their child was born, she realized she was happier being a career woman. Her H preferred her to stay home with the baby just until he was a little older.

 

She went back to work after having her maternity leave.

 

Not long after, a new employee transferred to their office from another location.

 

He was married with 2 little girls. She fell in love with him soon after. And soon after that, a full blown affair started.

 

My sister had never been promiscuous, and this was totally out of character for her.(as we were raised in a conservative Christian family)

 

She soon confided in me what her plans were.(to divorce H and marry her MM) Her bizarre actions toward her H now made perfect sense!

 

The poor man could suddenly do no right! She constantly found fault with him over small things that weren't even important. She then told him they would go on one more family vacation before she would decide about leaving him.

 

Needless to say she continued with her horrible behavior toward him even with all of her family around. She would use numerous excuses to be away from him, in order to call her MM.

 

As a FBW, I knew her behavior was exactly like my H when he was cheating.

I talked to her repeatedly about how her affair was causing her to feel differently about her H/marriage. It was like talking to a brick wall. She used excuse after excuse for her bad behavior toward her H.

 

It was heartbreaking to watch, both for me and my parents! Her H was the all round good guy, who would do anything for anybody! He didn't deserve to be treated like dirt.

 

After vacation was over, she moved into an apartment with her MM.(paid for by him) Her son was only about 6 to 8 months old at the time. It had 2 floors with the master bedroom all by itself on the 2nd floor.

 

When she finally took me and my mom on a tour of the place, we were horrified that she had put the baby in a room on the 1st floor all by himself!

 

She then bragged about how she had bought all new furnishing to decorate the master bedroom. Soon after, her divorce was finalized.

 

Her XH still loved her, and waited 8 years before remarrying, hoping she would come back.

 

My thoughts on all this is, when she realized she was in love with MM, enough to want a divorce, she should have done the right thing and left then.

 

All the affair did was to cause her H, and her family, unnecessary trauma and

heartache! She turned into a witch on wheels who was hell bent on doing what she wanted.

 

To this very day ,almost 13 years later, she still justifies and minimizes her actions. I find this very sad, as I love my sister.

 

A couple of years ago, she started talking constantly about a new employee at her office! When our dad died, she asked this person, who none of the family had ever met, to sing at dad's funeral. My mother gave into her wishes, as long as our church choir also sung.

 

All the signs of her cheating were all there again, but when questioned she denied it. I guess she felt like she would never confide in her sister again , since I was against adultery.

 

So, for all the people out there who feel like their secret affair doesn't affect other people, it most certainly does. It touches the spouse, the kids, the sisters/brothers, the parents, and friends. They all feel pain and sadness because they love you, even if you are doing things they don't approve of.

[ghgh750]

How long did the affair last for before her husband found out/ when they divorced? How old was she when she started the affair? (Sometimes people that get married right after high school cheat due to emotional immaturity)

 

Did she eventually marry her affair partner?

If she is cheating now on her current partner, I do not have sympathy for him because he cheated as well.

[beenburned]

gh,

 

The affair only lasted a little over 6 months before she left.

 

But her cruelty and blame shifting the divorce all on her H was totally uncalled for. He was a good guy that everybody liked. He only found out about the affair when she moved out into an apartment with the MM.

 

Even though they had been HS sweethearts, they didn't marry until half way through college. They were married 8 years at the time of her affair.

 

Yes, she married her affair partner. They have now been married over 13 years.

 

Until just a couple of years ago, when I started seeing her cheating pattern repeat itself, I thought she was happy and satisfied in her marriage to her XMM.

 

But it has always been a huge red flag how she never took responsibility for breaking up her first marriage.

[Woggle]

This pattern will repeat itself over and over and over again.

[ghgh750]

Ouch. 6 month affair and after being together for over a decade (married for 8) and to break up a family right after a new born baby...That is terrible.

 

Did her husband at least get visitation rights? Also, did she try to take him to the cleaners or was it an amicable divorce.

 

The one thing that bugs me the most is that I assume during this 6 month affair, she was having sex with her married man and her husband. That is just dirty for the husband because he never knew. How often would the two affair love birds have sex? (Highly doubt she would tell you but whatever)

[Woggle]

I hope he didn't get screwed in the divorce. This is the kind of stuff that makes good men go bad.

[beenburned]

gh and woggle,

 

Their divorce was amicable and all assets divided equally, even though the H was devastated.

 

She has always let her H have frequent visitation with his son and vacations! Between me and you, I think she loved the weekends he spent at his dad's, as she and XMM had the house to themselves.

 

What is so sad is they tried for 7 years to have a child. Then they get lucky, have one and she leaves when the baby was only 6 to 8 months old.

 

At times I wondered if the baby was her H's or not. But luckily he has grown up and looks a lot like his father.

[ghgh750]

At least that part was handled well. Thank you for answering our questions. I don't know why but when I read such heartbreaking stories, I always feel like I need to know more.

 

I hope your former brother in law is happy now.

 

Well I also hope that your sister did not consummate her affair too frequently while still living with her husband. What a sad tale.

[ghgh750]

Oh last two inquiries:

 

1.) Was your sister unhappy in her marriage prior to meeting her affair partner? or was it just lust that drove to have an affair?

 

2.) Who made more money in the relationship? Her husband or her?

[beenburned]

gh,

 

My former brother-in-law is happily married with 2 kids with his new wife.

Our whole family still loves him and he still loves us too.

 

My dad passed away about 2 years ago, he has helped my mother repair small things in her house several times, free of any charge.

 

My sister and her H were happy and compatible, the only thing they disagreed about was her working full time and putting the baby in day care.(they could have afforded her to stay home a little while after he was born)

 

She fell in love/lust with the MM soon after he started working at her office.

It soon turned into a full blown affair.

 

Her and her H made about the same amount of money all the years they were married.

 

I have never outright ask her about the sex she had with the MM while still married. As a FBW, I was unsure if I wanted to know.

If the answer was a lot, I might have ripped her a new one!

[ghgh750]

gh,

 

My former brother-in-law is happily married with 2 kids with his new wife.

Our whole family still loves him and he still loves us too.

 

My dad passed away about 2 years ago, he has helped my mother repair small things in her house several times, free of any charge.

 

My sister and her H were happy and compatible, the only thing they disagreed about was her working full time and putting the baby in day care.(they could have afforded her to stay home a little while after he was born)

 

She fell in love/lust with the MM soon after he started working at her office.

It soon turned into a full blown affair.

 

Her and her H made about the same amount of money all the years they were married.

 

I have never outright ask her about the sex she had with the MM while still married. As a FBW, I was unsure if I wanted to know.

If the answer was a lot, I might have ripped her a new one!

 

 

Thanks. I have no more questions and appreciate you sharing. The thing that scares me the most if that there really wasn't any reason for the affair (abuse, emotional neglect, etc.), it just happened. The heart wants what the heart wants but she could have handled it better.

 

Very ironic how the one thing that they disagreed upon....the working full time came to destroy their marriage.

 

But what can you do? I guess that is life.

[ghgh750]

Oh just reread your first post. If you knew about her affair while it was going on, why did you never tell her husband? Were you afraid to lose your sister?

[Radu]

Bull****, the answer is pretty clear.

 

She wanted to keep working, he wanted her to stay with the baby during his first yrs.

That's what probably happened.

Instead of working out a compromise, he forced his hand, i suspect he agreed as 'fait accompli', and she lost some attraction for him. Plus it was the around that time, between 7-10yrs together.

She saw she had feelings for the new guy, but because she didn't want to feel guilty over it she removed all guilt so easily to her H and other things/ppl that she even saw herself as a victim.

 

I'm sure if the OP goes back in time and remembers how they were little, she will remember how easily she rationalized things, how she toyed with meanings, definitions ...

 

Too bad for the boy, but it's good that your family and his dad remained in his life.

[karnak]

To this very day ,almost 13 years later, she still justifies and minimizes her actions. I find this very sad, as I love my sister.

 

A couple of years ago, she started talking constantly about a new employee at her office! When our dad died, she asked this person, who none of the family had ever met, to sing at dad's funeral. My mother gave into her wishes, as long as our church choir also sung.

 

All the signs of her cheating were all there again, but when questioned she denied it. I guess she felt like she would never confide in her sister again , since I was against adultery.

 

 

I guess there is an important lesson to be retained from this story:

 

- "A leopard can't change its spots".

 

- Some people will NEVER aknowledge the harm they do to others.

 

-Some (most?) cheaters do what they do, because it's their core nature.

[Spark1111]

I think your sister typifies what many of us experienced with our spouses during the affair:

 

1. Crashing into someone new and exiciting at work, and then the spouse....over the course of a few weeks or months, can do nothing right. Boy, did I live this and it still hurts.

 

2. Making rash and sudden decisions showing a complete lack of maturity and total selfishness, i.e. not caring how it would hurt her child, xH and extended family.

 

3, Yep, without accountability, consequences or introspection....easy to believe it wasn't me, it must have been them....soooooo, today it's not me, it must now be him.

 

You are seeing or suspecting your sis is about to repeat her past, poor behavior with another co-worker. She very well might.

[nofool4u]

To this very day ,almost 13 years later, she still justifies and minimizes her actions.

 

You want to know why she still defends her actions 13 years later? Because her actions are indefensible, and she knows it, but she wants other people to think she was justified. She knows she is a POS, she is trying to convince everyone else she isn't.

 

If that isn't the case, why would she to this day justify her horrible treatment of a man that has moved on?

 

 

A couple of years ago, she started talking constantly about a new employee at her office!

 

Oh gee, what a surprise.

 

 

So, for all the people out there who feel like their secret affair doesn't affect other people, it most certainly does. It touches the spouse, the kids, the sisters/brothers, the parents, and friends. They all feel pain and sadness because they love you, even if you are doing things they don't approve of.

 

BB, they don't care. As long as they get their orgasms with a variety of people.

[Furious]

BB

 

Was the baby your sister had planned, or was it an unexpected pregnancy?

[seibert253]

Oh just reread your first post. If you knew about her affair while it was going on, why did you never tell her husband? Were you afraid to lose your sister?

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

I know she is your sister, but I'm wondering why you assisted in the demise of this M by not filling in her H as to what was going on?

 

There's difference between doing what's right, and what's popular.

No gray area here IMO.

[ver13]

What strikes me most is the need to paint the her XH as the reason for her destruction of her M when in fact it was all due to her own perception of what she thought she needed to have...Human beings are so fragile in so many ways. I am glad that her XH has found a wonderful person to spend the rest of his time with here on this earth. He sounds like good people and I"m glad that you all still include him in your thought's. This life thing is not easy to say the least I just hope that in the end your sister comes to the realization that all of this wasn't necessary. Oh well this is life as we know it thank you for sharing.

[DuckSoup]

My sister had never been promiscuous, and this was totally out of character for her.(as we were raised in a conservative Christian family)

 

Sorry, but I don't buy that it was totally out of her character.

 

I believe it was a reflection of your sister's true character.

 

Not only did she cheat on her h, while having a little baby--the guy she cheated with had two little girls himself!

 

Maybe she wasn't previously promiscuous, maybe she just never told you. But she must always have been a very self centered and spoiled little girl.

 

She, like many similar men and women, obviously never internalized conservative Christian values. To her, they were always just rules or rituals that someone else forced her to follow--her father, the preacher, her husband (?) Just empty meaningless rules. Pray in church on Sunday, that means you're a good person. We all know people like that, don't we?

 

Then at some point she figured out that a lightning bolt wasn't going to hit her if she "broke the rules."

 

So she did what she always wanted to do. She got some strange, and went wild. This is very common among people raised in repressive religious households.

[DuckSoup]

Exactly what I was thinking.

I know she is your sister, but I'm wondering why you assisted in the demise of this M by not filling in her H as to what was going on?

 

There's difference between doing what's right, and what's popular.

No gray area here IMO.

 

Apparently OP was not her sister's keeper, nor her brother in law's--the Bible notwithstanding.

[Woggle]

Being raised as a conservative christian doesn't mean anything. I am a liberal who believes in some higher power but doesn't follow any religion and my wife is the same yet neither one of us have cheated in our lives. We don't do it because a lightening bolt might strike us but because we wouldn't want it done to us.

[Athena]

I talked to her repeatedly about how her affair was causing her to feel differently about her H/marriage. It was like talking to a brick wall. She used excuse after excuse for her bad behavior toward her H.

So you knew about her cheating, all the while it was happening

 

But her cruelty and blame shifting the divorce all on her H was totally uncalled for. He was a good guy that everybody liked. He only found out about the affair when she moved out into an apartment with the MM.

You said in a recent post, "Why do you feel you should know the truth of your situation, when you and him have kept the wife in the dark about the truth of her life for 4 years?" and yet here YOU and her kept HIM in the dark about the truth of his life for several months... why don't you practice what you preach?

 

You knew about your brother-in-law's wife's cheating on him and yet you kept quiet and protected HER (the cheater) instead of telling him what was going on?

And he was in your family and life for more than 8 years, and was a 'good guy' and THIS is how you rewarded the good guy?

 

Seems like you betrayed him too :sick:

[Athena]

My former brother-in-law is happily married with 2 kids with his new wife.

Our whole family still loves him and he still loves us too.

 

He still loves you too? Does he know you betrayed him too, that you knew about his wife cheating on him and you didn't say a thing to him?

 

YOU KEPT HIM IN THE DARK ABOUT HIS LIFE and clearly the poor guy has never been told the truth of your deceit... because he 'still loves you'. If he knew the truth, he wouldn't think of you as being on 'his side.'

 

Ugh.

[Silly_Girl]

He still loves you too? Does he know you betrayed him too, that you knew about his wife cheating on him and you didn't say a thing to him?

 

YOU KEPT HIM IN THE DARK ABOUT HIS LIFE and clearly the poor guy has never been told the truth of your deceit... because he 'still loves you'. If he knew the truth, he wouldn't think of you as being on 'his side.'

 

Ugh.

 

How do you know all this? Are you secretly him...?