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I need to make a confession...this is why it's so hard to leave my boyfriend...


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Posted

He isn't stupid. He knows this is how I feel and I don't understand why he is still choosing to stay.

 

 

 

I would say it's very obvious - he has very low self esteem and probably feels that he can't get anybody as good as you

 

 

Guys with no options will do anything they can to keep their current situation

Posted
I would say it's very obvious - he has very low self esteem and probably feels that he can't get anybody as good as you

 

 

Guys with no options will do anything they can to keep their current situation

 

I was going to say that. Has he no shame? no ego? Sometimes you just have to be mean to someone or ignore them so they get the idea to let you go and that there are no second chances.

Posted
We have had these problems before. I don't know if you read the other pages, but I mentioned that I broke up with him for these exact reasons (lack of being physically attracted to him).

 

His response was "we can work on it, we can work it out" and I was confused by this because, no, you can't. He knows because we don't have sex as often, i'm not as affectionate and I have broken up with him before and each time for the same reasons.

 

He isn't stupid. He knows this is how I feel and I don't understand why he is still choosing to stay.

 

I won't encourage you to end things even though I often do for many situations 'cause people often know but just look for reinforcement or agreement with what they want to do.

 

I'll advise this whether qualified or not.

 

1) If you break up, don't date anyone for a good while. Because you need time to get over it and make sure you know what you need for long-term before seeking it out. Plus, your ex WILL find out and will be crushed. You being alone for a good while will put you in a better position for the next guy and cushion the blow for the current guy.

 

2) Your current guy has probably got pretty low self-esteem and thinks he cannot ever do equal or better. I'm guessing it will be bad if and when you end things. Lots of not understanding, bargaining, denial, even highs and lows of love and hatred toward you.

 

3) Don't get in a relationship with someone you aren't attracted too. Especially while you are in sexually active years.

 

Good luck. Put yourself in someone else's shoes before/during ending a long-term relationship.

 

The hair thing, while probably rare, isn't that big a deal for a confident & reasonable guy that cares about you. And anyone you would want to be with should be confident and reasonable, right? Along with being attractive enough to you that you want to get sweaty with him. :laugh:

  • Like 1
Posted
Beforehand, I ask that none of you be judgemental or ask what the "illness" is. I am not going to share that.

 

One of the main reasons I can't leave my current bf, even though I want to, is because he is the first man I have ever confessed to about a "problem" that I have.

 

The closest example I can give you is cutting. Lots of people cut themselves, and they hide it from everyone because they are ashamed they do it.

 

I have a similar thing only it's not cutting. Anyways, he is the first man that I opened up to about this, and he took me as I am. He even loved me more afterward because I let him in and allowed him to see the whole of me.

 

This is the main reason I find it hard to leave him. If he can still love me after knowing about my serious problem, then I should be able to stay with him even though I'm not attracted to him.

 

I feel guilty that I can't even accept him physically if he can accept me with this serious issue. I can't just leave a man who has been so incredibly kind and supportive throughout this entire thing.

 

And I admit that it feels SO GOOD to be accepted this way. My entire dating life consisted of me hiding my problem and trying to be the perfect woman. Living day by day in fear of a man discovering my problem and being disgusted with me.

 

I can't even convey to you how liberating it feels to be in a relationship where you, literally, don't hide anything at all. Where you can be yourself without any masks or hidden personalities.

 

I like who I am with him. I like the woman that I am becoming. It's the woman I have always wanted to be, and he brings out all the good in me.

 

I can't bring myself to leave him if he has done and created so much good in me and in our relationship. In a sense, when he goes, so does my freedom to be myself without being judged. He is the only person with whom I am open about my issue, and when he goes, I will retreat back into the society where I have to continue to live in fear of any man figuring out that I am not normal.

 

...."normal"

 

P.S Confessing this to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I'm not sure I can do it again.

 

My situation was slightly different I was not diagnosed with an illness until I was with that person in the twenty year plus zone, so my illness which is complex was left untreated for a very long time.I was diagnosed after the birth of my third child.

If I had found treatment and diagnosis early in my life I would have not had compounded one illness after another onto my already, struggling brain.

 

I am altruistic so asking for help is not in my nature I struggle on until I can't anymore.

My ex put up with a lot, but he also was unfair and deceptive with me, which added to the burden,we had a long distance relationship for years(i am a faithful person at heart) that also left me with five kids to look after a failing mother and a wayward sister, so in actual fact, his behaviour was extremely damaging to me in many ways.I know that there are people who will accept you with your mental illness, as you are able to deal with it effectively and have had a loving relationship many people are not as lucky.

You will find one again, it won't be easy, might take a little time.You made need to take some me time to think and feel confident to go out there and find another relationship.I wish you the very best and if I am here without having a loving relationship to go by,I have made the wrong choices in love, have hope, that things will work out for you I have hope for you.....best wishes ....deb

  • Like 1
Posted
also this.

 

 

Like I said, I really really doubt that her issue is that big of a deal. People like to exaggerate problems or "illnesses" in their own mind. Any halfway decent guy will understand and comfort her

 

I mean no disrespect Brahmabull,

but i have not met anyone who likes to exaggerate an illness, if anything it is the opposite because they don't want to scare people away.Even more so people avoid telling prospective partners that they have an illness due to misconstrued information, and ignorance,or lack of knowledge coloring the perception of people who have never dealt with mental illness before.

 

I fully understand people who don't understand mental illness because there is a stigma attached to the word illness and mental.

Crazy people, psychos, schizos these names stem from ignorance and segregation,commonly isolation of mentally ill people from society in general, mental illness and treatment are debatable issues and not guaranteed to solve a persons illness, the derogatory names I mentioned above are common names that are thrown around.This is my opinion only, and I mean no disrespect to yours, I just wanted to offer a different view to your post. I hope my post was clear thinking and legible.thanks deb

  • Like 1
Posted
I mean no disrespect Brahmabull,

but i have not met anyone who likes to exaggerate an illness, if anything it is the opposite because they don't want to scare people away.Even more so people avoid telling prospective partners that they have an illness due to misconstrued information, and ignorance,or lack of knowledge coloring the perception of people who have never dealt with mental illness before.

 

I fully understand people who don't understand mental illness because there is a stigma attached to the word illness and mental.

Crazy people, psychos, schizos these names stem from ignorance and segregation,commonly isolation of mentally ill people from society in general, mental illness and treatment are debatable issues and not guaranteed to solve a persons illness, the derogatory names I mentioned above are common names that are thrown around.This is my opinion only, and I mean no disrespect to yours, I just wanted to offer a different view to your post. I hope my post was clear thinking and legible.thanks deb

 

 

 

Hey Deb, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry if I offended you with anything I said in the past. You seem like a very very sweet woman and I certainly meant no offense. I'm just a bit of a grammar nazi :laugh: I was going to send you a PM but you don't accept those.

 

 

Your post is pretty reasonable. In this thread though, I would say my point was accurate. OP made it seem like her "illness" was the equivalent of somebody who kills kittens for fun when it's really not that big of a deal. All the blame here should probably go to OP's mom, she made her feel like this disorder was a horrible and shameful thing and that making Leopard feel bad about it would somehow force her to stop doing it. It's just astoundingly bad parenting

Posted
You feel beholden, in other words....

 

You have to put that aside... and maybe understand that he is not unique in his sentiments towards a person with your "problem" (forgive me if I call it that) so the fact that there is one person who accepts it unconditionally, actually, means that statistically there has to be someone else who will, as well.

You need the courage to dump him, but you know you have so much to be grateful for.

But you can't stay and be with someone you feel beholden to, or sorry for.

That's simply replacing one issue with another one....

 

You only have one life - you owe it to yourself - and to him - to not compromise....

 

Wonderful post thank you for sharing taramaiden....deb

Posted
Hey Leopard....about your illness. Me too. Was told I've done it since infancy.

 

For the record, my boyfriend knows, colleagues and most of my friends know. NONE of them think less of me. Sometimes my boyfriend will grab my hand and kiss it when I start doing unconsciously, which helps me stop.

 

 

I love this sentiment that your boyfriend is so compassionate and can read you and your triggers he must be empathic..... lucky girl......:rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Posted
Hey Deb, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry if I offended you with anything I said in the past. You seem like a very very sweet woman and I certainly meant no offense. I'm just a bit of a grammar nazi :laugh: I was going to send you a PM but you don't accept those.

 

 

Your post is pretty reasonable. In this thread though, I would say my point was accurate. OP made it seem like her "illness" was the equivalent of somebody who kills kittens for fun when it's really not that big of a deal. All the blame here should probably go to OP's mom, she made her feel like this disorder was a horrible and shameful thing and that making Leopard feel bad about it would somehow force her to stop doing it. It's just astoundingly bad parenting

 

 

I agree brahmabull and don't apologise to me you will make me cry....i am smiling at you now, so don't say sorry its forgotten.How were you to know you are not a mind reader and if anything my posts were very hard to decipher I don't blame you.I was feeling unsafe and it triggered an attack, actually a few attacks of paranoia, which had nothing to do with you.

I do not accept pms but I am working on feeling safe I love this place but I wont make anyone sick(bucket required) with my over affectionate real life friend manner anymore.

I have gone off track so I will bring it back,it is an example of bad parenting but like everyone in the world who is a parent we often make huge mistakes,I agree that you have to accept responsibility fro yoru own actions serial killeers blam etheir parents all the time>guess where they get put?

Mental institutions due to parental issues.Unfortunately for me I guess I have to spend time with them.I think you have to take responsibility for your own actions as an adult.You hav epointed out that she isn't really which I find hard to say.I do my best.........Thank you from me, heartfelt for your apology and here is your bucket....right here...spew now....:rolleyes:...deb

Posted

I just want to say that I have the same condition. My mother would always poke at my spots and call me ugly. Glad I moved away now but while I was living there it was pretty bad(among other things going on there). I wish you all the best and hope you get help for it. I am here to talk as well. :3

  • Like 2
Posted
No, it doesn't. I mean, I did this as a baby. Do you think little OK me in the crib didn't accept myself? Heck no. Infants can't think with that level of sophistication. You probably did it as a baby too, your mom just won't tell you cuz she's evil.

 

If you think it makes you ugly, then that's another thing. I'm skeptical that it can be'fixed.' Most drs will just give you ocd meds which won't work because it's not ocd. It's a different kind of compulsion.

 

But it can be managed! I manage mine. For example, I trained myself to stay away from my eye lashes by giving myself permission to pull a patch of unshaven leg hair instead. Do your eyebrows...if you feel yourself getting carried away, immediately switch to arm hair or some other inconspicuous thought. Instead of trying to just quit, try to focus it somewhere else.

 

Generally, I don't have a hard time with this unless I'm really anxious or stressed. Then I'll unconsciously pull my head hair until my scalp bleeds. In those times, a really tight bun helps or having someone quietly and smoothly grabbing your hand and focusing it somewhere else.

 

Get a little control of it and you'll feel a bit more calmer, trust me. Shame is counter productive.

 

Like a million times. What a beautiful post.

Posted (edited)

Okay - so, I've read through and am up to date with the remarkable progress taking place, and the support you're getting on here, Leopard. I'm glad I took the time - this is one of the most productive, educational, inspiring threads I've read on LS for a long time!

 

It's a long thread, so I won't go back and find all the quotes I've admired, or had opinions about - but there are many. I'm, also, still amazed at the insensitivity of some posters on here, who seem to have serious issues with women (in general) and are using this particular thread to take them out on the OP. I get that frustrations, with women (and men) in general, get taken out in this place but how some people can't see the difference between a truly vulnerable poster and and arrogant one is beyond me. Leopard - you don't need to justify why you no longer find your partner sexually attractive. Whilst this is unfortunate (for BOTH of you), it is not uncommon. This happens, all the time, in relationships. I do think it is unwise to consciously 'lower one's standards' whilst dating, and strongly advise you not to do this again, but I think you have explained more than adequately why you did it.

 

L, you have stated twice on here that you will tell your BF how you feel. (Did you say that would happen tonight, after your dinner out?) I can't tell you how awesome I think that is. Your courage in the space of less than 24 hours is remarkable. You seem to have concluded that, difficult as this is, it must be done and have planned how you will do it. Well done, lady. Please stick to your plan. Don't back out. We will be here to support you through this.

 

I have to commend those people who have spoken out about their own experience with this condition, and have advised Leopard with their personal insight. That stuff is invaluable, and it is clear how it has empowered her. Just beautiful. In addition, the time that has been taken from posters on here to care for Leopard, and offer extremely kind words of support, has been a pleasure to read.

 

L, your mother has more serious issues going on than you will ever have. She externalised all her own guilt and shame onto you. Horrible behaviour, truly, but I do pity her. As messed up as you may feel from time to time, you are streets ahead of her with your ability to overcome your problems. I can really see a bright future for you, a real transformation coming on the horizon. It makes me quite excited for you! brahma is right - baby steps are required in order to get there but you have taken some wonderful steps forward, right here, already. The most wonderful of which is this acceptance of yourself, and your condition, that I can see happening. And, with it, an ability to become objective about this situation. You are seeing that, whilst this is still a terribly debilitating condition to battle with: you are not alone; it is manageable; you are loveable; it's not such a big deal to a lot of people; that you can deal with your relationship situation, and that both you and your BF need and deserve that you do deal with it. Seriously good work!

 

I want to add that your boyfriend has his own issues. Issues that are completely separate to yours, and to you. You have tried to tell him how you feel, you have tried to demonstrate it but he does not want to listen. He is optimistic, bless him, but he is his own worst enemy in this respect. He will learn, one day, that he will never be happy unless he takes responsibility for his own well-being. But you need to learn that first. By leaving him - saying it and meaning it - going NC and letting him heal, you will be directing him to his own path of self-realisation. He should not choose to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to marry him (if marriage is what he wants), who doesn't want to sleep with him, who leaves him and returns out of guilt - because he has tried so hard to talk her into loving him. It's a very sad situation, that speaks volumes about where his self-esteem lies, as well as where yours has been languishing. Your happiness is your responsibility, and his is his. Allow him that. It is very liberating to understand this, and immensely empowering. He will understand one day, maybe one day very soon.

 

Okay. I'll bring this thesis to an end now. And hope you've been able to wade through it well enough to take some value from it. In summary: way to go, girl, we're right behind you! :love:

Edited by mickleb
  • Like 1
Posted

I was looking to see if anyone had posted this yet...Leopard, I actually suspected trichotillomania too. ;) And since you've come out and said it, I wanted to show you this: Trichotillomania: What Is The Disorder That Makes Olivia Munn Rip Out Her Eyelashes?

 

Gorgeous Olivia Munn has come out and said she suffers from this disorder. You are so not alone!

 

I also knew someone in high school with this - a pretty girl, who was very much desired by boys.

 

Your mom planted this awful seed in your head that this would tank your chances at love - but it's not true. Please don't stay with someone just because you're afraid you'll never be accepted by anyone else. It's not fair to anyone.

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  • Author
Posted (edited)

mickleb your post brought me to tears. I am so thankful that everyone has been so understanding of my situation. I'll actually admit that I am surprised everyone took it so well. I didn't expect it.

 

And that others confessed to having the condition too! Wow! That really made me feel more okay...that other people are living happy lives and that it's possible.

 

Also, you asked when I am going to tell him. I was going to tell him after dinner, but I am sitting in this guilt and I feel that, after becoming aware of everything, that if I sit through another dinner smiling and pretending everything will be okay, I just... I can't do it. I want to tell him before the dinner.

 

I will be gentle, and do what another poster suggested, that our goals are very different and by staying in this relationship I am allowing him to believe that I am okay with where things are going, but i'm not. I'm not happy and it's not his fault, it's mine.

 

I need time on my own to heal, because if I depend on other people to feel better, then I will never truly be happy. I need to learn on my own (even though I have no idea how I'm going to do that).

 

So I hope everyone will be available tomorrow evening for a lot of tears and a lot of vents from my end. I'm going to need all the support I can get.

 

I'm very scared to do it. I'm afraid to hurt him. I hate always being the "bad guy" when it comes to relationships and having to end them. I will try to keep reminding myself that I am doing this as much for him as I am for myself. I am taking him out of a "false" relationship and that can only be for his own good.

 

I'm just scared at how shocked he will be. Up until now, he thinks that things are going great. So for me to come out with this will be so random and unexpected to him.

 

F*ck. I just hate sitting in these emotions. I know I will be relieved once I tell him, I will "come clean" in a sense, but that will be followed by pain because I just told someone that their entire life's dreams were based on a lie pretty much. At thats all my fault.

 

I gave him the material from which to build dreams, and now I have to tell him that it's not what it seems....at all.

Edited by Leopard
Posted
mickleb your post brought me to tears. I am so thankful that everyone has been so understanding of my situation. I'll actually admit that I am surprised everyone took it so well. I didn't expect it.

 

And that others confessed to having the condition too! Wow! That really made me feel more okay...that other people are living happy lives and that it's possible.

 

Also, you asked when I am going to tell him. I was going to tell him after dinner, but I am sitting in this guilt and I feel that, after becoming aware of everything, that if I sit through another dinner smiling and pretending everything will be okay, I just... I can't do it. I want to tell him before the dinner.

 

I will be gentle, and do what another poster suggested, that our goals are very different and by staying in this relationship I am allowing him to believe that I am okay with where things are going, but i'm not. I'm not happy and it's not his fault, it's mine.

 

I need time on my own to heal, because if I depend on other people to feel better, then I will never truly be happy. I need to learn on my own (even though I have no idea how I'm going to do that).

 

So I hope everyone will be available tomorrow evening for a lot of tears and a lot of vents from my end. I'm going to need all the support I can get.

 

I'm very scared to do it. I'm afraid to hurt him. I hate always being the "bad guy" when it comes to relationships and having to end them. I will try to keep reminding myself that I am doing this as much for him as I am for myself. I am taking him out of a "false" relationship and that can only be for his own good.

 

I'm just scared at how shocked he will be. Up until now, he thinks that things are going great. So for me to come out with this will be so random and unexpected to him.

 

F*ck. I just hate sitting in these emotions. I know I will be relieved once I tell him, I will "come clean" in a sense, but that will be followed by pain because I just told someone that their entire life's dreams were based on a lie pretty much. At thats all my fault.

 

I gave him the material from which to build dreams, and now I have to tell him that it's not what it seems....at all.

 

And this set me off, too!

 

I'm going away for the weekend but will make sure I hop on, somehow, to see how you're doing. Got to set off soon, as it happens, so will make this quick:

 

Completely with you about telling him before the dinner.

 

It won't be easy. It never is. You'd be a psychopath if you found breaking up an LTR easy.

 

Try, very hard, not to feel too guilty, though. Again, some guilt is completely normal but you cannot say this is all your fault. His conscious self may, indeed, be shocked but subconsciously, I think he'll know things haven't been good for a long time. He has chosen to suppress his negative feelings, too. He has chosen to cover the mess with a bit of sawdust, and hope it will go away. Your admissions tonight will just be releasing the truth that he already knows, on some level. And it is much, much better that he faces up to it, than you two continue this lie.

 

If I'm not here a lot, over the weekend, writing responses, I AM thinking of you. And I will be back! You'll need a lot of support over the next few weeks, and months. I and other LSers will be there. I suggest you post a new thread in the Break Up or Coping section, and then post a link to it in this thread. Soon, your process will be pretty much the same as the majority of the others in that section, and they will be able to provide you with a huge amount of comfort, support and insight. I'd also suggest linking this thread into your new one, so they can read your back story.

 

Okay - this wasn't short and I've got to go! Keep being brave. Thinking of you, like I said. x

Posted

You are being very selfish. Its not fair to him, nor youself. When i had to confess my secret to my my partners... i made sure that it was because i actually wanted to be with them. It gets easier with time....and trust me...my secret is extremely humiliating and degrading in every sense...I was only a teenager. not even 16. and i had never even had a boyfriend until i had turned 16. So can you imagine... telling the guy you like something soooo personal.

Posted
I feel really bad for this guy.

 

not much more to say...he deserves better

Posted
not much more to say...he deserves better

 

 

 

Let's not blame it all on her though. The guy has no self esteem and no testicles. Who continues to date a girl when she is clearly not that interested in you?

Posted

what would your reaction be if you found out your partner had this illness? (Assuming you have been dating for a few months) and honestly.

 

I'd suggest the Lefkoe Method and facilitate him myself since I know the process. Quick and easy. Something you believe about yourself is causing you anxiety so you cope by pulling your hair out. Some people drink, some smoke, some overeat, some shop, some bite their fingernails. They all could have the exact core belief but it manifests differently with each person.

Posted
My friend has what you have. She is just as materialistic, narcissistic, rude, caddy as you are, even though she suffers from this. Maybe this wil take you down a few notches.

 

 

Wow, this is how you talk about your FRIEND? I'd hate to be your enemy!

Posted (edited)

 

P.S Confessing this to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I'm not sure I can do it again.

 

I think i get it, i hope you understand that your problem is rooted in your self-esteem, in how you view yourself.

Which is quite interesting because your problem with not liking him as a lover is also rooted there.

 

I'm curious what type of problem it is, i'll tell you mine anyway.

 

I used to pick at my skin.

A lot.

My shoulders used to be covered in scabs, wounds, and i picked so much that in many places my skin changed from white to a dark brown, i now have spots there.

I also used to have chapped lips, by picking at them with my teeth, it's the same problem at the core, and it's rooted in self-esteem.

My lips are now beautifull, full [and quite sexy too], but i've had quite a few ppl tell me how my shoulders and back look.

 

I see you mentioned it, you pull your hair out.

Leopard, when my self-esteem got better, my problems stopped [except for the lips one ... i solved that with lipsbalm].

 

You should break up with him ASAP because the more you stay with him, the more you will resent him while at the same time loving him, you will start acting like a BPD.

 

The good ppl of LS [me included ... weeee], were right ... your job in Italy was an escape.

Edited by Radu
Posted
Beforehand, I ask that none of you be judgemental or ask what the "illness" is. I am not going to share that.

 

One of the main reasons I can't leave my current bf, even though I want to, is because he is the first man I have ever confessed to about a "problem" that I have.

 

The closest example I can give you is cutting. Lots of people cut themselves, and they hide it from everyone because they are ashamed they do it.

 

I have a similar thing only it's not cutting. Anyways, he is the first man that I opened up to about this, and he took me as I am. He even loved me more afterward because I let him in and allowed him to see the whole of me.

 

This is the main reason I find it hard to leave him. If he can still love me after knowing about my serious problem, then I should be able to stay with him even though I'm not attracted to him.

 

I feel guilty that I can't even accept him physically if he can accept me with this serious issue. I can't just leave a man who has been so incredibly kind and supportive throughout this entire thing.

 

And I admit that it feels SO GOOD to be accepted this way. My entire dating life consisted of me hiding my problem and trying to be the perfect woman. Living day by day in fear of a man discovering my problem and being disgusted with me.

 

I can't even convey to you how liberating it feels to be in a relationship where you, literally, don't hide anything at all. Where you can be yourself without any masks or hidden personalities.

 

I like who I am with him. I like the woman that I am becoming. It's the woman I have always wanted to be, and he brings out all the good in me.

 

I can't bring myself to leave him if he has done and created so much good in me and in our relationship. In a sense, when he goes, so does my freedom to be myself without being judged. He is the only person with whom I am open about my issue, and when he goes, I will retreat back into the society where I have to continue to live in fear of any man figuring out that I am not normal.

 

...."normal"

 

P.S Confessing this to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I'm not sure I can do it again.

 

 

 

Your sentiments about the hurdle that youuuuuuuuuu have overcome are very touching and clearly sincere.

 

In order to solve your conundrum you need to spend serious time separating that which constitutes your personal investment in this guy from the complete individual that is him.

 

He the individual does not measure up to the standards you have for your romantic life, and yet his own good nature was something that helped you immensely when you needed a giant confidence boost.

 

Now you are aware that you really can confide in a man, and if you've met one, you will meet others who have all you want and who can be every bit as compassionate about your secret.

 

Indeed little strands of what you share are sad realities relating to humanity... but they remain realities.

 

It really is OK...

Posted
My friend has what you have. She is just as materialistic, narcissistic, rude, caddy as you are, even though she suffers from this. Maybe this wil take you down a few notches.

 

 

Does this have something to do with Tiger Woods or something???

 

 

WTF??

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