I need to make a confession...this is why it's so hard to leave my boyfriend...

[Kofybean]

...And I admit that it feels SO GOOD to be accepted this way. My entire dating life consisted of me hiding my problem and trying to be the perfect woman. Living day by day in fear of a man discovering my problem and being disgusted with me....

 

I believe you are the one who responded to my inquiry about women's attraction to "genetic superiority". You did not answer it by the way. Hilter, and Supremisict believe in "genetic superiority" of one man over the next. However, women, in that conversation, believe in it too in terms of attraction.

Yet I am even further curious, since you said you aren't attracted to this man in question, therefore he must have some genetic inferior defect according to your terms of attraction, but you are comforted by the fact that he is not judgemental of your issue?

 

Basically, I'm asking if you like the fact that he is non judgemental of you?

[Janesays]

Hey Leopard....about your illness. Me too. Was told I've done it since infancy.

 

For the record, my boyfriend knows, colleagues and most of my friends know. NONE of them think less of me. Sometimes my boyfriend will grab my hand and kiss it when I start doing unconsciously, which helps me stop.

[Leopard]

I believe you are the one who responded to my inquiry about women's attraction to "genetic superiority". You did not answer it by the way. Hilter, and Supremisict believe in "genetic superiority" of one man over the next. However, women, in that conversation, believe in it too in terms of attraction.

Yet I am even further curious, since you said you aren't attracted to this man in question, therefore he must have some genetic inferior defect according to your terms of attraction, but you are comforted by the fact that he is not judgemental of your issue?

 

Basically, I'm asking if you like the fact that he is non judgemental of you?

 

I never said he is genetically "defected" simply because I am not attracted to him. I only confirmed that people with the better pheromones, or with higher general attractiveness have the upper hand.

 

I like that he doesn't judge my entire being based on this one little thing, because I know how much it can throw a person off. He is attracted to me, calls me beautiful everyday, and loves showing me off. But there is a difference between being judgemental and having preferences or tastes for certain things.

[Kofybean]

I never said he is genetically "defected" simply because I am not attracted to him. I only confirmed that people with the better pheromones, or with higher general attractiveness have the upper hand.

 

I like that he doesn't judge my entire being based on this one little thing, because I know how much it can throw a person off. He is attracted to me, calls me beautiful everyday, and loves showing me off. But there is a difference between being judgemental and having preferences or tastes for certain things.

 

Oh? Hows that?

[Leopard]

Oh? Hows that?

 

Hahaha. Okay.

 

Being judgemental is calling a person a freak just because they have a gothic style.

 

Having preferences and tastes means not dating this kind of person because you don't think gothic styles are attractive.

 

Where exactly are you trying to go with this? It's completely unrelated to the thread.

[Janesays]

Leopard, why are you so ashamed of this? What do you think it says about you that you feel the need to hide it?

[Leopard]

Leopard, why are you so ashamed of this? What do you think it says about you that you feel the need to hide it?

 

It says that I don't accept myself.

 

I am ashamed because my entire life growing up I was made to believe that THIS was the reason I couldn't be beautiful. That THIS was the reason I was different, and not normal.

 

All my mother ever did was center my entire life around my pulling, telling me that it made me a freak because everyone else could do certain activities and I couldn't. That I was an outcast, not normal and that if I didn't stop, I would have permanent, irreversible damage and I would forever be ugly.

[StrangeBehaviors]

It's interesting to me how there seems to be a pattern emerging for women& men today at around the 2-4 year mark where they are dissatisfied with their partner.

 

And it seems that the reasons for the dissatisfaction are often generated in the persons head to justify their wanting to change when the characteristic they are "unhappy" with were often completely acceptable for many years.

 

Makes me think that options, to a point, bring unhappiness due to the emotional "price anchor" being changed in their mind.

[brahmabull117]

It says that I don't accept myself.

 

I am ashamed because my entire life growing up I was made to believe that THIS was the reason I couldn't be beautiful. That THIS was the reason I was different, and not normal.

 

All my mother ever did was center my entire life around my pulling, telling me that it made me a freak because everyone else could do certain activities and I couldn't. That I was an outcast, not normal and that if I didn't stop, I would have permanent, irreversible damage and I would forever be ugly.

 

 

http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs4/1176177_o.gif

 

 

This has to be some sort of a world record for awful parenting

[Leopard]

It's interesting to me how there seems to be a pattern emerging for women& men today at around the 2-4 year mark where they are dissatisfied with their partner.

 

And it seems that the reasons for the dissatisfaction are often generated in the persons head to justify their wanting to change when the characteristic they are "unhappy" with were often completely acceptable for many years.

 

Makes me think that options, to a point, bring unhappiness due to the emotional "price anchor" being changed in their mind.

 

But there is a difference between that and people who know and willingly settle, then eventually get tired of the person they are settling with (for whatever reason).

 

Everyone has other options, but it doesn't mean they will pursue them if they are in a happy relationship. I had other options too, when I was with my ex. That didn't influence me in anyway to be "unhappy" or cheat or leave him.

 

I left him for completely different reasons that were entirely unrelated to having other options.

[Kofybean]

Hahaha. Okay.

 

Being judgemental is calling a person a freak just because they have a gothic style.

 

Having preferences and tastes means not dating this kind of person because you don't think gothic styles are attractive.

 

Where exactly are you trying to go with this? It's completely unrelated to the thread.

 

To see what kind of person you are and what scale you use to justify, or condemn behaviors based on your perception. Your definition of judgmental and preference are fitted to your liking, someone else may see them as one in the same. But everything you say is formed to justify yourself.

 

If you can understand this: You bask in his acceptance of who you are because it benefits you, and you call it judgement. You start the thread off and ask people not to judge you. Everything is me me me. Yet, you aren't attracted to him, and hide the reasons cuz you do not wish to be judged, but it is clear you are judging, but you do not consider it judgement, you call it "preference". That is funny to me. Even more funny to me is that you stay with him, not because you see past his flaws, but because he sees past yours.

 

I hope that explains my seemingly random questioning.

[Leopard]

Even more funny to me is that you stay with him, not because you see past his flaws, but because he sees past yours.

 

That's what people starved for acceptance tend to do.

[StrangeBehaviors]

But there is a difference between that and people who know and willingly settle, then eventually get tired of the person they are settling with (for whatever reason). A behavior that has been eventually accepted and even condoned by most societies today. "Aw, you deserve to be happy, we understand..." You see, getting tired of the other person typically has little to do with them if they have changed very little. The unhappiness is within the partner wanting to leave causing the other to be completely devastated and confused. That's why you see so many stories on here where the person broken up with feels this way.

 

Everyone has other options, but it doesn't mean they will pursue them if they are in a happy relationship. I had other options too, when I was with my ex. That didn't influence me in anyway to be "unhappy" or cheat or leave him.

 

I left him for completely different reasons that were entirely unrelated to having other options.

 

Half right. Leaving was your "option" and you did pursue it.

[Leopard]

I thought by options you meant other potential mates. I misunderstood.

[Janesays]

It says that I don't accept myself.

 

No, it doesn't. I mean, I did this as a baby. Do you think little OK me in the crib didn't accept myself? Heck no. Infants can't think with that level of sophistication. You probably did it as a baby too, your mom just won't tell you cuz she's evil.

 

If you think it makes you ugly, then that's another thing. I'm skeptical that it can be'fixed.' Most drs will just give you ocd meds which won't work because it's not ocd. It's a different kind of compulsion.

 

But it can be managed! I manage mine. For example, I trained myself to stay away from my eye lashes by giving myself permission to pull a patch of unshaven leg hair instead. Do your eyebrows...if you feel yourself getting carried away, immediately switch to arm hair or some other inconspicuous thought. Instead of trying to just quit, try to focus it somewhere else.

 

Generally, I don't have a hard time with this unless I'm really anxious or stressed. Then I'll unconsciously pull my head hair until my scalp bleeds. In those times, a really tight bun helps or having someone quietly and smoothly grabbing your hand and focusing it somewhere else.

 

Get a little control of it and you'll feel a bit more calmer, trust me. Shame is counter productive.

[Leopard]

Thank you Janesays. Thank you thank you <3

 

Btw I sent you a private message

[StrangeBehaviors]

I thought by options you meant other potential mates. I misunderstood.

 

No worries. Options can be anything. Example:

 

He/she made a salary of x and it was completely acceptable.

 

Then 3 years later, they make the same, (allowing for inflation), and all of a sudden it is so unacceptable to the other person in the relationship that they leave.

 

While it may "feel" completely justified and rationale to the person willing to leave. Often with the reasoning that "I've changed, and my needs have changed...."

 

The other person involved is harmed, even devastated, for being the same person their significant other fell in love with in the beginning.

[Leopard]

But people are ever changing (in their needs and wants). I don't think anyone ever stays the exact same, even if they are the ones being dumped because their partner wants something else.

[monkey00]

Your situation doesn't sound any different that the times I've been on dates with women where they tell about about their 'issues' on the first or second date. I could lie about being accepting of it to get sex or pretend that I want a relationship with them, when in reality I can't accept it because they are looking for a guy to to take care of them and accept them. And I just stop seeing them then and there.

 

I didn't read the other pages of this thread, but it sounds to me like you're doing both of you an injustice by forcing a relationship because he doesn't judge you. While that should be a good foundation for a relationship, the lack of attraction is an instant killer there. Like you said, you're kind of resenting him now, but 2 years later you may hate his guts. Personally I would rather be single than live a lie.

[Leopard]

Personally I would rather be single than live a lie.

 

I know. But you wouldn't be living a lie if you thought it was the truth.

 

I'm not trying to justify anything, I'm just saying not everything is a lie. I do love him, I respect him, and I have always cared for him deeply and helped him with his financial and emotional struggles. Always.

 

He is just more of a best friend to me than a boyfriend. He isn't this horrible person I hate, I just resent him because he wants to get serious and I am bothered that he can't see how much I don't, yet he keeps pursuing it.

 

It is settled though. I will talk to him about all of this. I understand now that my issues are my issues, and he isn't my crutch even though that is exactly why I am with him.

 

I'm just so sorry it took this long for me to come to the realization.

[StrangeBehaviors]

But people are ever changing (in their needs and wants). I don't think anyone ever stays the exact same when it comes to circumstance.

 

I completely understand that point of view. I see it often as more a "feeling" than anything tangible.

 

Do you understand what I'm getting at though?

 

I'll put you in a scenario.

 

It would be like you being in a relationship with someone. They have completely accepted you as you are with your disorder for the first two years. Always been there for you and given you foundation to deal with it. Then in year three decide their "needs" have changed as they have "grown as a person" and tell you they want to break up because they are tired of the very same disorder that's been present from the beginning.

[Leopard]

Oh my god.

 

I would be absolutely devastated. Not because they are bothered by my problem, but because this entire time I thought we were past that.

 

I think I would be broken after something like that. I would also blame myself because it was the problem I couldn't fix that drove such a great person away.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Oh my god.

 

I would be absolutely devastated. Not because they are bothered by my problem, but because this entire time I thought we were past that.

 

I think I would be broken after something like that. I would also blame myself because it was the problem I couldn't fix that drove such a great person away.

 

I can't tell you what to do. But I think you understand my point now and are able to fully empathize with someone on the receiving end of a breakup situation when that person has probably not changed or done anything wrong.

[Leopard]

We have had these problems before. I don't know if you read the other pages, but I mentioned that I broke up with him for these exact reasons (lack of being physically attracted to him).

 

His response was "we can work on it, we can work it out" and I was confused by this because, no, you can't. He knows because we don't have sex as often, i'm not as affectionate and I have broken up with him before and each time for the same reasons.

 

He isn't stupid. He knows this is how I feel and I don't understand why he is still choosing to stay.

[monkey00]

I'm just saying not everything is a lie. I do love him, I respect him, and I have always cared for him deeply and helped him with his financial and emotional struggles. Always.

 

He is just more of a best friend to me than a boyfriend. He isn't this horrible person I hate, I just resent him because he wants to get serious and I am bothered that he can't see how much I don't, yet he keeps pursuing it.

.

 

You love him as a friend more it sounds like rather than being 'in love'. A relationship is as serious as it gets and the next step is being husband and wife if you are referring to that. But honestly I don't see a point in being in a relationship out of convenience if a person in it sees no future with the other.

 

It is settled though. I will talk to him about all of this. I understand now that my issues are my issues, and he isn't my crutch even though that is exactly why I am with him.

 

I'm just so sorry it took this long for me to come to the realization.

 

Good luck with that. Honesty is always the best policy. Maybe once this happens you'll feel more free and a burden might be lifted off your chest. Plus you mentioned your Italy thing, so there's your chance to pursue that.