I need to make a confession...this is why it's so hard to leave my boyfriend...

[Leopard]

You need to tell him, Leopard. I think you know this, too. Do you think you can do it, though?

 

Even if I do I'm afraid that a week or two weeks later, i'll get lonely again and run back to him because he will make himself available.

 

I have broken up with him 2 times before, for the same reasons (not happy with him) and I don't know if it's the guilt or the pity but I end up right back where I started.

 

 

But, it's your decision, and if you really feel like you can't bring yourself to leave because you feel obligated to stay with him, or vice versa, or both, then hopefully that decision will bring you happiness.

 

But I'm terribly afraid that it may not.

 

You are right. I won't be happy with him. I'm already not.

 

I just don't understand why so many people can do these things and I can't.

 

I feel that I HAVE to accept him because he has accepted me.

[brahmabull117]

OP I'm willing to bet your illness is not that big of a deal and plenty of guys would have no problem with it

 

 

 

Unless you told me that you like to torture and mutilate little kittens in your free time, I'm sure I could handle whatever it is (as an example)

 

 

 

I'm going to make an uneducated guess and say he isn't happy. He might tell you he is, but it's because he wants you to stay. If he's as unattractive and boring as you say he is, he probably feels that he doesn't have many options, and he is in a relationship with this (allegedly in your own words) good looking, tall, successful woman - he's going to keep hold of you. Cutting off his nose to spite his face.

 

He isn't even going to get what he wants, which is marriage and kids, something you don't want. This relationship seems like an exercise in masochism to me. You aren't getting what you want either.

 

What I see are two people clinging onto each other because they both feel they can't do any better. Unhealthy. If I'm wrong, I'll happily concede. But I have a hunch that this is the reality.

 

It would be better for both of you if this relationship ended and both of you embark on a period of self-growth - away from each other. It would be highly beneficial IMO.

 

But, it's your decision, and if you really feel like you can't bring yourself to leave because you feel obligated to stay with him, or vice versa, or both, then hopefully that decision will bring you happiness.

 

But I'm terribly afraid that it may not.

 

 

 

also, this.

[ThaWholigan]

You are right. I won't be happy with him. I'm already not.

 

I just don't understand why so many people can do these things and I can't.

 

I feel that I HAVE to accept him because he has accepted me.

 

Some people are masochists, some people resign themselves to never finding what they want.

 

You have to work out whether you want to be in an unhappy relationship or to work through your fears and your demons on your own. There are many people who can't settle. A lot of people I've seen who do settle regularly cheat on their partners, I've seen it plenty of times.

 

You have to reconcile your desires on your own. Both of you do. Move away even, take that job in Italy you were going to take or something. You are going to have to work this out.

 

I have broken up with him 2 times before, for the same reasons (not happy with him) and I don't know if it's the guilt or the pity but I end up right back where I started.

 

So you are unhappy alone, and unhappy with this man. You need to have a good think about your life, and try to find happiness alone. Then when you are happy alone, you will find what you want in a person. That's my belief.

[mickleb]

Even if I do I'm afraid that a week or two weeks later, i'll get lonely again and run back to him because he will make himself available.

 

I have broken up with him 2 times before, for the same reasons (not happy with him) and I don't know if it's the guilt or the pity but I end up right back where I started.

 

 

 

You are right. I won't be happy with him. I'm already not.

 

I just don't understand why so many people can do these things and I can't.

 

I feel that I HAVE to accept him because he has accepted me.

 

Is there a support group for people suffering from your 'illness'? If not, could you access a counsellor independently, or through your doctor? Failing this, is there a friend or family member who could support you through this?

 

You don't have to accept him because he's accepted you. You can be forever grateful to him but you can't continue to deceive him in this way.

 

Leaving someone can be incredibly painful but you need to do this. It's as simple as that. Imagine how he would feel if he could read this thread. He would want it to end. He would understand.

 

Basically, the two of you have become co-dependent. I suggest you get some support in place, as soon as possible, then find the strength to be honest with him. Post in the Break Up section, as well. What you're doing at the moment, effectively, is emotionally cutting him. By leaving and returning, you are picking at the scab that forms. You need to stop this dynamic and let him heal. He will be fine. Much better than he is now. He'll probably thank you for it one day.

[brahmabull117]

Is there a support group for people suffering from your 'illness'? If not, could you access a counsellor independently, or through your doctor? Failing this, is there a friend or family member who could support you through this?

 

You don't have to accept him because he's accepted you. You can be forever grateful to him but you can't continue to deceive him in this way.

 

Leaving someone can be incredibly painful but you need to do this. It's as simple as that. Imagine how he would feel if he could read this thread. He would want it to end. He would understand.

 

Basically, the two of you have become co-dependent. I suggest you get some support in place, as soon as possible, then find the strength to be honest with him. Post in the Break Up section, as well. What you're doing at the moment, effectively, is emotionally cutting him. By leaving and returning, you are picking at the scab that forms. You need to stop this dynamic and let him heal. He will be fine. Much better than he is now. He'll probably thank you for it one day.

 

 

also this.

 

 

Like I said, I really really doubt that her issue is that big of a deal. People like to exaggerate problems or "illnesses" in their own mind. Any halfway decent guy will understand and comfort her

[Leopard]

^ My condition is very very common but very very underground and unheard of. There are no support groups even in my COUNTRY. That's how bad it is.

 

I want to seek therapy for this. I have in the past and had extreme difficulty opening up. Like another poster said, the condition might not be that bad, its underlying issues that are making me things its far worse than it is.

 

My family is not supportive. They keep putting me down, calling me ugly and a "freak" for doing what I do. They always tell me that no man will ever want me or love me if I ugly myself in this way.

 

It's pretty bad when it comes to my family. They are not accepting at all. I grew up with an abusive mother, both verbally and physically, so this problem stems from that stress during childhood. I try to cut all contact with her (in a decent way without being horrible).

[brahmabull117]

^ My condition is very very common but very very underground and unheard of. There are no support groups even in my COUNTRY. That's how bad it is.

 

I want to seek therapy for this. I have in the past and had extreme difficulty opening up. Like another poster said, the condition might not be that bad, its underlying issues that are making me things its far worse than it is.

 

My family is not supportive. They keep putting me down, calling me ugly and a "freak" for doing what I do. They always tell me that no man will ever want me or love me if I ugly myself in this way.

 

It's pretty bad when it comes to my family. They are not accepting at all. I grew up with an abusive mother, both verbally and physically, so this problem stems from that stress during childhood. I try to cut all contact with her (in a decent way without being horrible).

 

 

 

I wish you would just tell us what it is. We would be honest with you whether or not it's really a big deal and how you can deal with it

 

 

 

Otherwise, it's very hard to give you advice on this issue. If you want PM me and I'll give you an honest response and I won't tell anybody else what it is

[Bristolius]

Break up with him without telling him every detail of why. Just say that you're not feeling it and that the relationship is going nowhere.

 

If it destroys him, it's not on you. Really, the situation is ordinary. It's on him to recover from a broken heart.

[mickleb]

^ My condition is very very common but very very underground and unheard of. There are no support groups even in my COUNTRY. That's how bad it is.

 

I want to seek therapy for this. I have in the past and had extreme difficulty opening up. Like another poster said, the condition might not be that bad, its underlying issues that are making me things its far worse than it is.

 

My family is not supportive. They keep putting me down, calling me ugly and a "freak" for doing what I do. They always tell me that no man will ever want me or love me if I ugly myself in this way.

 

It's pretty bad when it comes to my family. They are not accepting at all. I grew up with an abusive mother, both verbally and physically, so this problem stems from that stress during childhood. I try to cut all contact with her (in a decent way without being horrible).

 

Okay, well it clearly sounds like you've had it rough. Good move with cutting contact with your unsupportive family. Maybe, one day, you will be able to reconnect but you've been brave in removing them from your life, for now. You needed to do that.

 

Now you need to break with the unhealthy support system you've found yourself in and find one that is more productive. Resuming therapy would be a wise move, I think. Your BF is not your therapist. You need someone who is trained to do that job, and someone who doesn't get hurt in the process.

 

The thing is, you've already left your guy. You've emotionally checked out. Every day you physically pretend this is not the case, will hurt him more. You need to walk away from him and go towards the rest of your life.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't worry; I'm sure any friendly caring man would love to read this topic, if only to know that a lovely girl needs TLC, an understanding nature and a loving partner - with whom she can equate, to whom she can relate and with whom she can exchange the same attitude.

 

Good endorsement Greznog, baby.

[CarrieT]

I wish you would just tell us what it is. We would be honest with you whether or not it's really a big deal and how you can deal with it

 

Ditto. This is an anonymous site. Not sure why the OP won't share with a handful of strangers when she's come here with problems related to the issue.

[Imajerk17]

What if you were to reframe it as setting him free to find someone to marry and have kids with? You can say to him that the two of you have incompatible goals and while you will always cherish the time the two of you had, it's time for you both to pursue your own paths in life. You can always stay friends (after you both go through the breakup).

 

The incompatible goals thing--you want to travel and see the world he wants to settle down. Your goals are no less nor any more worth than his. They're just different.

 

Some people are in our lives for a reason, some a whole season, and maybe a few a lifetime.

[FitChick]

Aren't you the one who was leaving to work in another country? Problem solved.

 

This is my guess as to your psychological condition.

[Kamille]

It's wonderful that you were able to open up to someone about your health issues. It's wonderful that you now know what full acceptance feels like.

 

The main person who needs to accept you... is you. It sounds to me like you rely on him to provide you with the validation that you are worthy of love and acceptance. Have you worked on providing yourself with the same level of patience and acceptance?

[serial muse]

I know I need to be more selfish and date men because I love them, not because THEY love me.

 

But its true that I was single the entire time I waited for this. The moment I lowered my standards I met a great guy who helped me grow and accept myself.

 

I can't just thank him for his help and be on my way. I feel that's just... I don't know...almost like using him for my own benefit and then being rid of him when I'm better to find someone better...

 

The thing is...Leopard, you already are using him. You say you like who you are when you're with him - what I think you mean is that you like not having to apologize for who you are. That is, in and of itself, a good thing, of course, but it doesn't mean that you're expressing your best self in general. It seems pretty clear that you aren't, in many many ways.

 

I suspect you don't actually entirely like who you "are" with him - because you admit that you find him boring and you don't want to have sex with him and he's not the man you want to be with. You're only with him because he doesn't judge you.

 

Do you really like being that person??

 

I'm not trying to be knee-jerk harsh on you, but I urge you to really think about this. I don't think you need to be more selfish here...I think you're already taking the selfish route: You're staying with him because it feels safe to you, but that isn't fair to him. At all. He knows it, you know it. He's probably terrified of losing you, and he has to live with that. That's why he doesn't want you to go abroad.

 

Do you really like being the person who is doing that to someone else? Someone who has been nothing but kind to you?

 

Please, think about his feelings. Is this really what's best for him? And, moreover, is it really what's best for your own personal growth? I understand your past issues with your family, and why it's hard to give up loving acceptance. I really do empathize. But your mental health isn't the only factor here. And honestly, you aren't that happy anyway.

Edited August 2, 2012 by serial muse

[ascendotum]

Im about to go out, but was prompted to post this.

OP, I got the impression this is the first guy you opened up to about your 'illness' and he totally loves you despite of it. You said 'My entire dating life consisted of me hiding my problem' so basically you dont know how many other guys out there who might be the exact same as this guy...'He even loved me more afterward because I let him in and allowed him to see the whole of me'. A fair few guys wont want to deal with a girl with such a problem, but many wont mind if she is a loving gf. It would be a risk to leave, but it will result in a more fulfilling relationship....it just means finding the right guy, and maybe being up front straight away about this will help to process the prospects quicker.

[serial muse]

By the way...I dunno if I think Leopard needs to tell us what the sitch is exactly in order to get better advice.

 

I can only speak for myself, but it wouldn't change my advice in any way.

 

(On the other hand, Leopard, if you want to start a different thread looking for support on your condition, that might actually be helpful to you...there may be others here with the same issue who could at least provide additional support. But I personally don't think that's relevant to your relationship issue.)

[Leopard]

Now you need to break with the unhealthy support system you've found yourself in and find one that is more productive. Resuming therapy would be a wise move, I think. Your BF is not your therapist. You need someone who is trained to do that job, and someone who doesn't get hurt in the process.

 

The thing is, you've already left your guy. You've emotionally checked out. Every day you physically pretend this is not the case, will hurt him more. You need to walk away from him and go towards the rest of your life.

 

Wow. The rest of my life.

 

I haven't realized until now that the "rest of my life" is on hold while i'm trying to be nice to this guy and not break his heart.

 

And that's not fair to either of us.

 

We have a birthday dinner tomorrow night, after that I will tell him (because we are both expected to be there) so I don't want the whole "where is your girlfriend" drama.

 

What if you were to reframe it as setting him free to find someone to marry and have kids with? You can say to him that the two of you have incompatible goals and while you will always cherish the time the two of you had, it's time for you both to pursue your own paths in life. You can always stay friends (after you both go through the breakup).

 

The incompatible goals thing--you want to travel and see the world he wants to settle down. Your goals are no less nor any more worth than his. They're just different.

 

Some people are in our lives for a reason, some a whole season, and maybe a few a lifetime.

 

I think this is how I will do it. I can't find another way.

 

Although I've told him this before and he justifies it with "Not now but eventually, and you can't speak for yourself years from now" which is true. I don't want to tell him "Maybe it will happen but I don't want it to be with you"/

 

Worst comes to worst, if I cave, then I'm going to Italy anyways and I won't have a choice, I will have to leave him (or he will leave me rather which is better). I know that after 6 months I won't be running back to him.

 

Aren't you the one who was leaving to work in another country? Problem solved.

 

This is my guess as to your psychological condition.

 

WOW!

 

FitChick you are absolutely right. I'm actually pretty shocked that you even know what this is.

 

It's humiliating. My god what man wants a woman who does that to herself? Part of being a woman is being feminine, and part of being feminine is having silky hair and f*cking eyelashes on your eyes.

 

It's wonderful that you were able to open up to someone about your health issues. It's wonderful that you now know what full acceptance feels like.

 

The main person who needs to accept you... is you. It sounds to me like you rely on him to provide you with the validation that you are worthy of love and acceptance. Have you worked on providing yourself with the same level of patience and acceptance?

 

I try desperately everyday, and I admit that i'm better than before, but i'm still struggling because this is self-inflicted. How can you accept yourself when your OWN actions are the reason you are crying in the first place?

 

And honestly, you aren't that happy anyway.

 

I think this is what I should repeat to myself over and over.

Edited August 2, 2012 by Leopard

[Leopard]

Funny how once I confess the problem, the replies stop.

 

I suppose now you can understand why it's so difficult for me.

Edited August 3, 2012 by Leopard

[kaylan]

^Honey....everyone thinks you need to just leave him and find the right guy for you. We all keep telling you that. Its going to be hard, but you will feel better afterwards. You both need the right person in your life.

 

The best feeling in the world is the enjoyment you get out of making love to someone who accepts you completely. Find a guy you truly want to make love to and who can accept you completely like your current bf does.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Funny how once I confess the problem, the replies stop.

 

I suppose now you can understand why it's so difficult for me.

 

Leopard, my daughter has this. She also obsessively picks at herself. I am very familiar with it. It's not disgusting. A person who loves you and accepts you will deal with it. But you need to deal with this problem YOURSELF, because it is negatively reinforcing. You hate yourself for doing it, and you then do it more because it somehow gives you some relief. It's also anxiety related. If you look for therapy or support for anxiety and / or obsessive / compulsive behaviors, you will probably find some help so you can address this.

 

It's not shameful.

 

It's good you told what it is here, because your "need" to keep it hidden is making everything worse for you.

 

It is NOT FAIR to keep a person involved with you for this reason, you already know it.

 

Your self harming behavior and your relationship with this guy need to be separate.

[ThaWholigan]

Leopard, my daughter has this. She also obsessively picks at herself. I am very familiar with it. It's not disgusting. A person who loves you and accepts you will deal with it. But you need to deal with this problem YOURSELF, because it is negatively reinforcing. You hate yourself for doing it, and you then do it more because it somehow gives you some relief. It's also anxiety related. If you look for therapy or support for anxiety and / or obsessive / compulsive behaviors, you will probably find some help so you can address this.

 

It's not shameful.

 

It's good you told what it is here, because your "need" to keep it hidden is making everything worse for you.

 

It is NOT FAIR to keep a person involved with you for this reason, you already know it.

 

Your self harming behavior and your relationship with this guy need to be separate.

I have a little cousin who lost her mother when she was very young and used to rip massive chunks of her hair out constantly aswell. So I do have experience of this particular condition.

 

You need to be in a more comforting environment, perhaps around people who will support you. This guy is trying his best, bless him, but you aren't happy in this relationship, you don't like the fact that you aren't in love with him, and you also feel that you cannot get the man you want - so all of this is could be causing you more anxiety and it could potentially get worse.

 

Don't stress yourself over any decisions you will make - it will be hard, but in the long run you will both benefit. Everything will be OK.

[The Way I Am]

My god what man wants a woman who does that to herself? Part of being a woman is being feminine, and part of being feminine is having silky hair and f*cking eyelashes on your eyes.

 

I just want to point out to you the flawed thinking here. Men aren't going to find you less attractive or less feminine if they find out about your illness. If a man is on a date with you, there's a pretty good chance he finds you attractive and feminine. That won't change because he finds out about the illness.

 

But this, along with all mental illnesses, will make healthy potential partners hesitant to be in a relationship with you. If you don't have the condition under control, I think you should be hesitant to get into a relationship. Or at least come to terms with it so you don't feel like your dating revolves around hiding it.

 

If you know you don't love your current boyfriend and don't want a future with him, it's not fair to either of you to keep dragging it on. Break up with him and work on feeling liberated and unashamed without him as a crutch.

[Leopard]

Don't stress yourself over any decisions you will make - it will be hard, but in the long run you will both benefit. Everything will be OK.

 

Thank you so much for this. <3

 

Oh silly girl what will more likely happen is that when a more attractive richer guy finds out about your issues he will run or pump and dump you. Why you may ask? Because he has options, Mr. Poor and Unattractive doesn't which likely led to him being able to accept you. Take note gentleman hypergamy comes natural to ALL women.

 

People like you are the reason so many people struggle in society.

 

I hope one day someone offends you deeply so you get the slightest GLIMPSE of what your masochistic post conveys.

 

Oh, and f*ck you very much.

[brahmabull117]

 

WOW!

 

FitChick you are absolutely right. I'm actually pretty shocked that you even know what this is.

 

It's humiliating. My god what man wants a woman who does that to herself? Part of being a woman is being feminine, and part of being feminine is having silky hair and f*cking eyelashes on your eyes.

 

 

That's all it is? You made it sound like you spend your nights being a serial killer and torturing innocent people

 

 

 

Anyways, we all have our problems and issues. No halfway decent guy will dump you once he finds out you have this issue. I would just tell you to go into counseling and talk to somebody who is qualified to help you with this issue. It's not that big of a deal