Msgarcia000 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Hey ladies and gents! I'm hoping to connect with some people here and send and receive healthy advice :-) I am Jen, 23, Hispanic and living with my boyfriend. He is 26, and also Hispanic. I work and go to school and he is a retired Marine going to school so he doesnt work. He's planning to start in January of 2013 but let's see how that goes. Well my story: I was involved in a 3 year relationship which began in 2007. I don't think my ex physically cheated on me but emotionally yes he did. We broke up in December of 2009 due to me not being able to take all of the inconsiderations. In June of 2010 I went to my homeland which is the Dominican Republic. I went for a week with my family to unwind because I was still hurting a bit from the breakup. It was the best week ever. When I was almost returning to the U.S, I started talking to the boyfriend I have now. We hit it off pretty good and we started dating when I came back to the states. After 3 months, we started living together (we had known each other for 7 years before anything so is not like we didnt know each other). Up to now everything seems cool with our relationship but I don't seem to be in the same page as him and honestly, little by little I am beginning to withdraw and is hurting me. Problems in the relationship: 1. He is a smoker. I don't have anything against him smoking his ciggarrettes but is interfering with us having children. We have done all the tests in the world and the only thing stopping us is the low sperm count. His answer is always "oh, we'll do IVF"...ummm does he know how much IVF costs??? 2. He is extremely honest. Yeah yeah I know you guys are probably saying "what?! thats the best feature", but is not. When we first started dating, he told me that he had kissed his ex. We were just days into the relationship so I gave him a full day of NC for him to figure out what he wanted to do with his life and he chose me. At least he didnt hide it from me. When I ask him what would he do if we brake up, immediately he tells me that he would keep searching for the woman he's gonna spend his life with, whether is with me or with someone else. He says he loves me and he will never break up with me but that he's not going to mourn and be single if we break up. Wow, i understand that's what most people would do but to tell me straight up, it hurt a bit. But that's ok. Also, whenever he sees a cute woman or someone with nice body features, he tells me or makes those annoying moaning sounds. He's always been like that so I can't blame him. When I see a cute man, I do the same things he does, except I don't tell him. 3. He's always home. And I mean ALWAYS. He only goes out to chill with his friends when they call him but not in clubs, bars or anything like that. I used to go chill with them too but after a day of work and school, it gets tiring. What I hate about him staying home is that he gets bored. Our biggest problem right now is that when he gets bored, he takes his anger of boredom out on everyone, including me. Like, C'on!!! I tell him to get a hobby or something but he says no. And I still dont know why I feel guilty just because he doesnt wanna get a hobby or get a job right now. 4. Too sexual. I consider myself to be very sexual but he's over the top. Sometimes I ask him if thats the only thing that he thinks about. But he doesnt understand that when I get home I am so tired! I dislike sex with him. He doesnt get that a woman has to be warmed up before sex and he never does. I feel uncomfortable when he does try. I love him but unless I want sex, it doesn't feel like anything to me. Lately I have been thinking a lot about leaving him but I cant. I feel so used to the life that we have and I'm afraid of feeling guilt or regret after I do leave. I am not happy with him but I would be worst without him. I really don't know what to do. He's a great guy which is why I'm doing the smart thing by staying to see if this feeling goes away but I'm starting to withdraw. I hardly want to call him or text him anymore. Its becoming awkward for me. I dont know if he feels like everything is fine but I know is not fine with the way I feel. I need advice.
todreaminblue Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Hey ladies and gents! I'm hoping to connect with some people here and send and receive healthy advice :-) I am Jen, 23, Hispanic and living with my boyfriend. He is 26, and also Hispanic. I work and go to school and he is a retired Marine going to school so he doesnt work. He's planning to start in January of 2013 but let's see how that goes. Well my story: I was involved in a 3 year relationship which began in 2007. I don't think my ex physically cheated on me but emotionally yes he did. We broke up in December of 2009 due to me not being able to take all of the inconsiderations. In June of 2010 I went to my homeland which is the Dominican Republic. I went for a week with my family to unwind because I was still hurting a bit from the breakup. It was the best week ever. When I was almost returning to the U.S, I started talking to the boyfriend I have now. We hit it off pretty good and we started dating when I came back to the states. After 3 months, we started living together (we had known each other for 7 years before anything so is not like we didnt know each other). Up to now everything seems cool with our relationship but I don't seem to be in the same page as him and honestly, little by little I am beginning to withdraw and is hurting me. Problems in the relationship: 1. He is a smoker. I don't have anything against him smoking his ciggarrettes but is interfering with us having children. We have done all the tests in the world and the only thing stopping us is the low sperm count. His answer is always "oh, we'll do IVF"...ummm does he know how much IVF costs??? 2. He is extremely honest. Yeah yeah I know you guys are probably saying "what?! thats the best feature", but is not. When we first started dating, he told me that he had kissed his ex. We were just days into the relationship so I gave him a full day of NC for him to figure out what he wanted to do with his life and he chose me. At least he didnt hide it from me. When I ask him what would he do if we brake up, immediately he tells me that he would keep searching for the woman he's gonna spend his life with, whether is with me or with someone else. He says he loves me and he will never break up with me but that he's not going to mourn and be single if we break up. Wow, i understand that's what most people would do but to tell me straight up, it hurt a bit. But that's ok. Also, whenever he sees a cute woman or someone with nice body features, he tells me or makes those annoying moaning sounds. He's always been like that so I can't blame him. When I see a cute man, I do the same things he does, except I don't tell him. 3. He's always home. And I mean ALWAYS. He only goes out to chill with his friends when they call him but not in clubs, bars or anything like that. I used to go chill with them too but after a day of work and school, it gets tiring. What I hate about him staying home is that he gets bored. Our biggest problem right now is that when he gets bored, he takes his anger of boredom out on everyone, including me. Like, C'on!!! I tell him to get a hobby or something but he says no. And I still dont know why I feel guilty just because he doesnt wanna get a hobby or get a job right now. 4. Too sexual. I consider myself to be very sexual but he's over the top. Sometimes I ask him if thats the only thing that he thinks about. But he doesnt understand that when I get home I am so tired! I dislike sex with him. He doesnt get that a woman has to be warmed up before sex and he never does. I feel uncomfortable when he does try. I love him but unless I want sex, it doesn't feel like anything to me. Lately I have been thinking a lot about leaving him but I cant. I feel so used to the life that we have and I'm afraid of feeling guilt or regret after I do leave. I am not happy with him but I would be worst without him. I really don't know what to do. He's a great guy which is why I'm doing the smart thing by staying to see if this feeling goes away but I'm starting to withdraw. I hardly want to call him or text him anymore. Its becoming awkward for me. I dont know if he feels like everything is fine but I know is not fine with the way I feel. I need advice. Your feelings count and if you haven't spoken to your husband, try speaking to him he should consider your feelings that is what love is.Talk to him and see if you could do some counseling together, sometimes it helps to talk to others, to get another's view point and share the burden,and sometimes after that, if things don't work out, you can decide if it is right that you should stay or ultimately leave as not everything can always be changed or helped you just have to let go. good luck with you and yours and I hope I have helped.....deb
Author Msgarcia000 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 thank you so much for the reply! :-) I don't even think is worth talking to him about it. He would ask me what's wrong and it would be for nothing because in the long run I am a coward. Too coward to leave this stable life. Urgh! lol
todreaminblue Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 thank you so much for the reply! :-) I don't even think is worth talking to him about it. He would ask me what's wrong and it would be for nothing because in the long run I am a coward. Too coward to leave this stable life. Urgh! lol I am an altruist so I have people in my home all the time.I let them use my computer to contact loved ones and support those who do not have internet access.I am the owner of the house for the low income strugglers, the paid for free neighbourhood internet cafe. Some(quite a few) also have problems similar to yours and they talk to me. I always say this, you are not a coward for not saying anything, it is hard to admit that there are problems in a relationship, but biting the bullet and talking to someone, taking that risk, can be worth it.You can solve the issues you need to solve to be happy. Then, if you can't, you will find the strength to walk away, so that you don't cause unnecessary heartache for yourself, or your partner.If you stay the partner will suffer because of your inability to deal with the situation, that is something I could not deal with, I would choose to go, but everybody has different coping mechanisms. Love is a cryptic crossword, some times the puzzles, however hard you try, will never be able to be solved. When you get to that point you give up and find your own space that you can have peace.Peace is precious and rare and so are you...Find a space for yourself free from distraction, look for what your heart knows and wants, be at peace and think......I wish you joy and happiness and the strength to do what's right for you and yours.........deb
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