Broke up with my best friend of four years - I just need to talk...

[ericdotnet]

Hello everyone. This is my first posting here, well, since this new forum was put in place. I came here for advice a few years ago and it was really helpful. One week ago I seperated with my girlfriend, partner, best friend of four years. I thought I was okay, but I'm having doubts.

 

I met her at a friends birthday party, she told her friend that she thought I was 'cute' and word got around to me by nights end. My friends ended up making a big scene of it. I thought she was adorable and had the perfect smile. We went on several dates that week, things progressed rapidly. In hind sight, too rapidly. Within one month she was living with me at my apartment. We were both desperately in love with each other. I dont think that ever stopped, which is why this seems so hard.

 

During our relationship we had our share of typical issues. The bottom line is she did not feel appreciated or loved. She also always felt like I was criticizing her. I bought her flowers on a semi-regular basis, gave her impromptu gifts, told her daily that I loved her and that she was beautiful etc. If I disagreed with her on something and spoke my mind, she would feel she was being criticized and not allowed to have her own opinions. Toward the end I would preface all of my remarks with 'I believe', or 'In my opinion' and end all remarks with 'that is just my opinion', etc. I felt it was getting ridiculous. She was really sensitive. Or maybe I was insensitive. I dont know, either way, she was unhappy with me a good portion of the time. As she would say, "I'm not always unhappy with you, most of the time things are great". When pressed for quantification I get 60%/40% good vs bad. Thats not good...

 

We met. We dated. We moved in together. We were engaged. We called off the engagement... She had said she wanted to seperate at least 10 times at that point for various (IMO, little reasons, but not so little to her) but she always changed her mind immediately and apologized. These were good indications we shouldnt get married. Then much later we agreed she should get her own place. She wanted to continue dating me, so that we may eventually move back in together. I told her I did not want to do that. It didnt make sense, if it didnt work the first time I see no reason it would work the next. I also did some research on trial seperations in divorces and found that they almost never work out. I figured four years has been longer than most of my friends marriages, so this was equivalent to divorce.

 

Looking back on our relationship, we had nothing in common. The two things we have in common now, software development and motorcycles, I had in the beginning and she adopted over our relationship. She didnt have any hobbies or interests other than hanging out with friends. I'm really uncertain how we both fell so easily for each other. Even when she moved out, we both very much loved each other. Watching her drive away from my home for the last time, seeing her look at me through tearful eyes as she drove away, is probably the single hardest moment I've had to see in my life.

 

We had decided to do this one month prior to her moving out. As soon as we agreed we werent to be together anymore, she began sleeping in the living room. I could hear her cry herself to sleep each night. That was hard, but I had to remember it seemed the right thing to do, and she wanted it as much if not more than I did. As the weeks passed, I became numb to it and toward the end I was looking forward to her leaving. Looking forward to the pain stopping. I never shed a tear, I wouldnt let myself.

 

The day after she moved out I went on a date. I was thinking this would help me get over her. That was fine. One week after she had moved out, we had broken up five weeks ago, I slept with someone else. This was yesterday. I thought I was fine. I thought I was okay. I thought I was tougher than this. This morning has been a terrible time. I miss her so badly. For some reason the hurt I thought I had avoided has finally arrived. I cant stop crying. So I'm thinking, maybe it is because I dont talk to anyone. So here I am, talking to a bunch of people I've never met and probably never will. Being with another woman seemed to bring everything to surface and shove it down my throat. The event was not even enjoyable, it felt completely wrong. I want to call her, but it doesnt seem like a good idea. I just want to hear her voice.

 

I think we did the right thing. She thinks so as well. I try to keep my emotions bottled up, they tend to lead to irrational behavoir.

 

Thank you for listening to me... I know time heals all wounds, I just wish it could hurry up a little. I cant stop thinking about her.

 

-Eric

[jw32802]

What did you mean when you said that sleeping with another girl shoved everyting down your throat? yOu mean you miss her more because you did that?

[ICantStopLovinHim]

Dont worry eric telling a bunch of strangers you may never meet is ok. I think its better to talk to people who understand what you are going through and will not be quick to judge you. I know its hard i left my bestfriend a year and a half ago and the break up was for a far different reason but abreak up just the same......you loved her and you cant help how you feel. Its good you have dated ect. to try to move on that will help. I am in another relationship now i started over and its not easy I wont lie to you and say it is.....I think of my ex EVERY day. I miss him and I feel bad trying to have my BF measure up......But take it day by day and you'll see you will be o.k. just do what i do and remember what brought you to make that decision and tell your self you deserve more....you are a very passionate man and you deserve happiness not heartache.....just tell yourself every day " I am worth it" Sooner or later your heart will listen....at least for you i hope it does

[ericdotnet]

jw32802

 

I dont think it is that I miss her _more_ because of it, but rather the act brought it all to surface in such a fashion I couldnt ignore it. Being with another woman is something I would never have done while I was with her, having done so was a forceful reminder of the situation I am in. I dont miss her more, I'm just learning how much I actually do miss her.

 

ICantStopLovinHim

 

Thank you for your kind words. This would be so much easier if we were mad at each other, or if she had cheated on me, or anything. I'm glad to hear that it sounds like you've found happiness with someone else.

 

As to remembering the reasons we decided to move our seperate ways: It seems like each day that goes by I can remember less and less reason. I'm going to make a list so I wont forget. I know I'm just playing mind games with myself.

[ICantStopLovinHim]

See eric thats my problem its been almost two years and im not exactly happy because i havent yet learned how to "letgo" hence the name cantstoplovinhim......its not easy and two years later i still find it hard to remember the bad times and why I walked away

[jw32802]

Get the book "makeup , dont break up" by bonnie eaker weil. go to barnes and noble or from amazon.com It was my lifesaver. The reason you are forgetting about the bad things is because as time goes by you start to only think of the good things. Thats why this book says that a separation of 6-8 weeks is good for both of you to feel empty enough to want to work things out (if it is a viable love). Sometimes the separation make syou both think of all the things you've done wrong but u MUST go into this emptiness, u must feel this pain first. I promise you you will come out a better person. Buy this book, i promise you it will help

[ericdotnet]

jw32802

 

Thank your for the book recommendation. I'll go pick it up today. You said the book was your lifesaver, if you dont mind telling me, did you end up getting back together with your partner?

 

ICantStopLovinHim

 

It sounds like this could very well be a hard road to travel. I'm sorry to hear that your loss has been hard on you. I find it comforting to know that there are other people who are going through the same thing and living life anyway. Thank you.

[jw32802]

Well it's kind of the beginning of the breakup, but reading it has been my lifesaver because it tells you how to deal w/ these feelings, it even says that it has a 98% success rate if you follow her tips; they give you stories about people who go thru these things and they all got back together but you've got to do this separation. I know that mornings are the worst. When did you start to really miss her this badly? when did it hit you hard? after a week?

[Beeper]

Eric,

 

I know exactly what you're going through. I just posted a similar story here myself. All the reasons you broke-up for I had in my relationship, and more. And I'm now in the same boat as you. I can't give any advice obviously, but I just wanted you to know that someone else out here is going through almost the exact same thing.

[ericdotnet]

jw32802

 

I started to miss her badly one week after she moved out, five weeks after we broke up and the day after sleeping with someone new. You are right, mornings seem to be the worst. It seems to linger into the day, but the morning was definately the hardest. Probably didnt help that I spent the night dreaming of our time together.

 

Beeper

 

Thanks for sharing your loss. I read your post, we do have alot in common it seems. I too felt very much that I was walking on egg shells for a very long time. I too was pretty bitter about it.

 

I was also worried about her feelings being hurt if/when I saw someone new. I realized that we had both mutually decided to move on and that it was no longer my job or obligation to be concerned about her feelings toward me. I figured that might help me get over her... Of course, doing so seems to have caused a minor side-effect: a renewed longing for her again (my ex).

 

As you said, I have no advice either, I'm sort of winging this whole situation as I have never been in it before. I have broken up with women before, but it was always a shorter relationship and we usually parted on bad terms - making it easier to get over them.

 

Thank you again,

 

Eric

[Beeper]

Originally posted by ericdotnet

 

As you said, I have no advice either, I'm sort of winging this whole situation as I have never been in it before. I have broken up with women before, but it was always a shorter relationship and we usually parted on bad terms - making it easier to get over them.

 

Again, we have something in common, except that I never really parted with anyone on bad terms. They were just short-term relationships that fizzled quietly.