My wife's best friend/guy she cheated on me with

[ChampionSound]

Hi Loveshackers,

 

We had six years together, five of those married. She is 25 and I am 35.

 

She cheated on me eight months ago while I was out of the country. When I first found out, I asked her to stop talking to the guy while we sorted out our relationship. She agreed, but continued talking to him behind my back. When I learned she had been lying to me, I moved out.

 

After separating, we agreed to try to improve our relationship and are trying to make it work again. We moved into a new apartment together, and it is a 'fresh start'. I wanted to forgive her, and to learn to be a better partner.

 

She has continued to talk to the other guy, but told me that it was not romantic. When I found out that he tells her 'I love you' and has romantic nicknames for her, she said that it was not reciprocated by her and that she was 'just ignoring it when he says that'. Because I was so upset, she told me she would talk to him and be clear that they could only be 'just friends' (no 'I love you' etc). However, several months later and they are still talking and he still calls her these things (I always find out from alerts on her phone, rather than her telling me). I have told her how it hurts me, but she insists that she doesn't reciprocate his romantic language, so it doesn't mean anything. I have had a hard time believing/accepting this, and so I tend to get insecure about it. She insists they are 'just friends' and says that I am being controlling. I have asked repeatedly if they are 'just friends' why I can't be involved in the friendship (I've never even seen him) but she avoids that completely.

 

So finally this week she told me that she was going to stop talking to him, against her wishes but in order to settle down my insecurity about it. Now she is angry and resentful of me because I have supposedly taken away her 'best friend in many, many years'. I am still delicate about the whole thing, and sometimes find myself bringing his name up in anger, or the fact that she lied to me when it first happened. She is outraged when I do this, because she says she has sacrificed her valuable friendship for my neediness and that I am trying to control her life completely.

 

Maybe I am controlling - it seems like several 'male friends' that she has had have tried to hook up with her, and I am always disapproving in her inability to tell them to get lost when this happens. My solution was to ask her to involve me with her friendships. We also talked about opening up the relationship. I still appear to be the bad guy to her though because of my being a controlling jerk by way of my insecurities and unresolved resentment about being lied to.

 

I know everyone will say 'leave this relationship behind' but I am conservative in my approach, and I love this woman a lot. I would consider leaving but would much rather come back a stronger person and have some strategic action that would help reduce my insecurity and allow her to keep loving me for the good guy that I am. Her getting rid of the guy will not solve the problem. I think I really need to make an effort to reduce my sense of ownership over her, and if she wants to stay, she will continue to do so.

 

Is this all crazy talk? Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, she never truly let go of him and this is why your marriage isnt working. Her focus is split still - And she's got the nerve to blame you? Feel resentful that you told her to say goodbye to the OM?

 

No, it doesn't work that way, she doesn't get to dictate or control the situation, having her cake and eating it too.

 

Make the decision for her - Tell her to move out and go be with the OM since she still wants him her life. She cannot have it both ways!

 

She won't change her ways unless she suffers grand consquences and feels what life will be like without you in it. As of now she doesn't deserve a chance at fixing things because she isn't doing ANYTHING (no real remorse either) to prove to you she's worthy of a second chance.

 

This guy, your ex friend knows better too yet he's unable to stay away from her. So, tell her off, to go to him and you'll be talking to a lawyer. Doesn't mean you have to divorce but it may get her to wake up and realize if she doesn't stop what she's doing, she's going to lose you forever.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[ChampionSound]

She definitely hasn't let go of him, and it does really bother me that she downplays his role in her life constantly. The thing is that she has agreed (as of two days ago) to drop him from her life. She spent the afternoon with him and then told him that they couldn't talk anymore. However, since this has happened she has been continually sulky and resentful towards me for taking away her 'friend'. I haven' reacted well either, and continue to be insecure about his place in her life, asking about his influence on her etc.

 

I think my card is already played. It is just that I can't live with the negativity on both of our sides. She doesn't even sleep in my bed right now because of this.

[Artie Lang]

the age difference has a lot to do with it, my man.

 

she's beginning to realize she's not ready to "settle down" like you are.

[RiverRunning]

WTF? Your ownership of her? She's got you twisted around her finger, OP. I did not go through anything to that extent, but my boyfriend was hung up on an ex-girlfriend and I swear I couldn't go more than half an hour without, "Ex-girlfriend and I used to do x, that was so much fun!" "X-girlfriend and I..." URGH. Like you, I'd bring it up, kindly ask him to do things a certain way (he lied to me about still being in contact with her. Huge no-no).

 

I put up with that crap for 2 years, all the while hearing, "You're controlling! You're just insecure, you're just jealous!" He tried to make me believe that I would ALWAYS be insecure/jealous/controlling, no matter the circumstances. Hmm, funny how when he stopped talking to her, stopped talking about her, and stopped putting her pictures in places that I could find that the problem stopped.

 

Never was an issue if he checks out other women, has female friends, etc. But he knew my boundaries on being in contact with exes. I don't buy for an instant that exes can be friends.

 

I'm also fairly confident that your wife is probably still telling this guy she loves him. It doesn't matter that she 'doesn't say it back.' She allows it to go on and apparently has done nothing to stop it; she is still a participant. If the guy came over and started having sex with her, would she try, "Oh, well, he took my clothes off and I didn't move and I didn't let him know my emotions about it, so it's okay"? I know that's extreme, but seriously. You are a collaborator, you are guilty by association.

 

More than that, you've made it clear that this level of disrespect is okay, because you have taken "I will leave you if you keep this up" off of the bargaining table. She has everything to gain and nothing to lose.

 

I don't think an open relationship is on the table. But if you are deadset on staying and you want this to stop, I think that warfare is in order.

 

I admit that I unwittingly played warfare with my boyfriend way back then. After the ex thing was going on, an internship mentor of mine was very interested in me. My self-esteem was in the pooper. The mentor would flirt with me, compliment me all the time, etc - and I thought he was joking! The very few times we met up for lunch (I was mostly interested in preserving a reference for jobs), he insisted on paying for me (I always paid my own way, though).

 

My boyfriend felt threatened for the first time. Previously, I'd bring up how much his behavior bothered me, then I'd immediately back down because he would get angry and call me 'controlling' and the like. I really did think the problem was with me. My mentor was invited to a party I threw after my graduation, where he and my boyfriend met for the first time. I'd always told my boyfriend the mentor was unattractive - and I really thought he was - but my boyfriend disagreed.

 

Getting a taste of his own medicine cleared him up fast. The ex disappeared like no tomorrow. He will VERY rarely bring her up, and only briefly, now, which is the way it should be. No one should play second fiddle to anyone else in their own relationship. The mentor is also long gone from my life now. We haven't talked in years. I realized that I was also doing damage to my boyfriend - and no friendship was worth that.

 

So I am suggesting something to you that is a calculated risk if leaving is, at the moment, off the table: find a lady friend of your own. I'm not saying have sex with her, but keep up the pretense of a flirtatious relationship. We'll see how your wife handles that one. I'm betting you any money that once she's on the receiving side, she will start coming to her senses.

 

Or maybe not. In which case, I really think this marriage has been over anyways. You shouldn't have to compromise on an open relationship, if that's not what you want, just so she can go on cheating.

[Radu]

You won't like this ... LEAVE.

 

There are no kids, i don't think you have been married for long.

You also chose the wrong way to handle this by sweeping it under the rug and this is why :

- she did something wrong, she did not get punished for it

- you took the punishment for it

- you allowed her to keep that friend

- you allowed her to take control of this situation

When it comes to relationships between ppl, those that care the least have the most power, and she doesn't care about you.

 

Go to a lawyer, talk it over with him/her.

Get out now, and if you are scared that you can't do any better ... dude. You are 35 and she is 10yrs younger. In a few yrs you can pick up a 27-28yr old.

[syz]

Yeah no friendship is possible with the guy she had sex with behind your back.. I don't care if they were friends before they aren't now.. and he is obviously not a friend of the marriage. He needs to be gone or you do. It a non negotiable. You CAN'T be friends with your affair partner! and it is really disrespectful to keep him around (forget about the affair itself)

 

There is no reconciliation here.

 

I would really leave this marriage. Esp since there are no kids. My personal take is that since it takes about 2-5 years to get over an affair to begin with unless you have been married a long time and have children together it is rarely worth the investment in getting past it and learning to trust that person in the hopes they don't do it again.

 

and WHY should she expect you to trust her? Because she says so.... hahahahahahaha that is so funny. What on earth has she done to be transparent, to show remorse, to help you through this. All she has done is convince you, you are the one with the problem and being controlling.. get out here.. that is abusive.

Edited August 3, 2012 by syz

[g450]

ChampionSound, I dont like using my 2x4 but you are the champion of doormats.

 

Get out of that relationship NOW. It's not a marriage, its a lie.

 

Let him have her. Find yourself somebody who will respect you and who has morals.

[freestyle]

Her finding fault with you---

calling you controlling/ insecure/needy/ etc.....

 

Is nothing more than a deflection tactic to take the focus off her behavior,

and try to put YOU in the hot seat.

 

And it's straight out of the wayward handbook.

 

Your W is out of her mind if she expects you to be okay with her continuing to communicate with someone she was cheating on you with.

[Kelemvor]

You sound exactly like my best friend who was in a similar situation. You're absolutely and positively not thinking rationally by entertaining the idea of staying with this person. That much I can tell you. However, I will admit that people are made differently. My best friend stayed married to his wife, but sometimes the lesser of two evils is better than an even worse alternative. In his case, I don't think he would have handled being single without her and would have descended into depression, suicide, etc..

 

I don't necessarily understand it, nor do I agree with his decision, but I love and care for the guy and recognize that it probably might have been in "his" particular best interest.

 

Maybe you are the same type of person. You are with someone who has all the potential to be a habitual cheater and even worse... doesn't recognize the destructiveness of their own actions nor recognizes the need to purge all elements of the infidelity from your existing relationship in order to help you work through it. You have someone who simply doesn't want to give up a relationship that was damaging and hurtful to you, and now resents you for it. How twisted is that? How much trust can you place in a person like that? None.

 

You are completely and utterly twisted around her finger and more than likely will be the type akin to my own father who goes through life oblivious to what is really going on... Why? Because admission of the obvious and living apart from that person (alone) would be utterly intolerable and so it becomes easier to live in denial. In your case, you're not even afforded that much.

 

I don't particularly understand men like you, but I respect what you said about loving her and approaching it "cautiously". You said it yourself... you knew we would all say "leave this relationship behind", and that tells me that you are not looking for honest perspectives, but ones that agree with how you are approaching the situation. That will be difficult, because what your describing is not rational, nor appropriate. You'll have to find your own way, but as from my example, I do realize that what might be the right decision for one man, is not necessarily the right decision for all men.

[ChampionSound]

It is 10 weeks later and I thought it would help to post a follow up message to clarify my thoughts. I have found out a lot of new things. As some here have said was likely, despite what my wife was telling me she had been having an ongoing sexual relationship with her 'friend' over the course of several months.

 

I know so many details, it hurts. When I had sent flowers to her workplace she was laughing about how her boss thought they were from the other guy. On valentines day she had sex with him before spending the night with me. They would meet several times a week. She was constantly telling him how much she loved the sex, and him. She used the vibrator that I gave her during sex with him. One of her best friends knew all about their relationship, and encouraged her to continue seeing him behind my back. I know all of this now because I looked at her text messages. I haven't confronted her with the details because I don't see any benefit, and I feel it is unfair that she should be relieved of the effort of being honest without doing the actual work. However, she finally told me that she had sex with him multiple times, although I had to be really pushy about it to get the admission.

 

I am in awe that she could be so manipulative. In order to get time with him, she would be hurtful with me so that I would stay at a distance. The whole time that I trying to get closer to her heart, she was making me feel like I was doing something wrong for questioning their 'friendship'. All the while she was having sex with him and making me feel like a bad person. She was a complete hypocrite.

 

She swears that she wants nothing other than to fix things between us, and wants me to be her life-partner. For me the whole thing feels weird and broken, and I don't know how to make it better. I thought that I had the heart to stick around and try to fix this, but now I'm not sure. It is weird how the affair has made us both fight for the relationship, and actually brought us closer together. Our friendship and physical intimacy is better than in a long time, if ever. She is still my best friend, and I recognize that she wants to improve, just as I do. I wish that I could just burn off all these bad feelings that I am holding and recover the good feelings that I had for her. I understand that the affair was partly my fault for not being emotionally closer to her. I recognize that she is making a serious effort to make up for this whole thing. She says that she wants to have the honest and open relationship that I want as well.

 

It is so tremendously unfair that she is allowed to have a nine month affair with this guy and let it go the whole natural course of things just because I didn't find out until later. She was able to go though the whole cycle of attraction, intimacy, commitment, expectations, and failure without once having to make a decision about me. It seems so easy for her to say 'but that is over now, and I want to be with you more than I ever have'. She gets away with it, even if she is crying a river for how her mistakes affected me in hindsight.

 

I have been maintaining the relationship to this point. Not sure what to do. I really love her. I know that she really wants to become a better person. I like being with her. I don't know how to move forward. We can go to therapy, we can each be better people. I am not sure when this feeling of dread will leave.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

ChampionSound

 

I feel for you and wish you an end to this torture. It must have taken huge stoicism to get to where you are now. You have put up with so much, and if the world worked that way, deserve reward for that.

 

But it doesn't work like that. Where exactly is that, that you now find yourself? Stuck half way through a reconciliation, the easy half way, for your wife. As you say yourself:

 

It is so tremendously unfair that she is allowed to have a nine month affair with this guy and let it go the whole natural course of things just because I didn't find out until later. She was able to go though the whole cycle of attraction, intimacy, commitment, expectations, and failure without once having to make a decision about me

 

No true reconciliation is possible without complete transparency from this woman. Do you have that? No.

 

I haven't confronted her with the details because I don't see any benefit, and I feel it is unfair that she should be relieved of the effort of being honest without doing the actual work.

 

Indeed. But you are the one letting her off. She is trickle-truthing you, minimising, not telling you more than you know already, making you play twenty questions. You are not showing her that course has consequences. Hard to see how that can lead to a worthwhile reconciliation. You know this already.

 

I suggest you get mentally truly ready to leave this woman, then tell her what is at stake and give her a single shot at telling you everything from beginning to end, leaving nothing out. Give her that opportunity. Let her fail at it. Then let her go. Kick her out, actually.

 

That's pretty harsh. But, man, it absolutely won't be worth saving without the honesty, as there will be no baseline to rest anything on.

Edited October 11, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy
clarity

[Try]

When you first found out that she cheated on you with the other man (OM), I was amazed she was allowed to continue to stay in contact with the OM. It is truly hard to believe that she was allowed to have sex with him and then tell you that she now wants to be just friends with him and you let that go on for a long time. Of course she had sex with him after that. There was no down side to cheating on you. She knows that you will get mad but do nothing. You are all bark and no bite. The fact that there was even a conversation about it shows that she does not respect you and will cheat again. If you have no children there is nothing to think about. Leave her. If there are children it is a harder call but she would have to really convince you not to leave her and even then she needs to follow very defined rules.

[whichwayisup]

Kick her out, she goes to counseling on her own and you two go together to marriage counseling. She has to quit her job since pretty much everybody there supported her affair and thought it was a funny and a joke. WTF kind of boss gets a kick of this? And finds it funny? Oh and she has to dump those friends who supported her and helped her along with the A. Those friends are NOT true friends, they are ALL cancers to your marriage and poison. I'll even so far as to say toxic for them to continue to be in your lives if you two work this out.

 

Those crocodile tears are nothing right now. She's manipulating and reaction on pure emotion!! She's far from being truly remorseful.. She's got a reality check but she isn't OWING her choices and she certainly has made this ALL about her, not about you and your pain, your loss of love, faith and trust. She turned your world upside down and she thinks a few I'm sorry's and many tears is enough?? Yeah, don't think so.

 

She needs to earn your trust back by showing you in actions (not only words) that she IS worthy of a chance to regain your trust again. So far, she's done sweet f..ck all!

 

Do take care of yourself and your kids if you have any.

[karnak]

This woman has done all these things to you and you still call her your "best friend"??

You must be pretty messed-up. These kind of manipulative people always do this to a guy's head.

 

I can't understand how a guy can suffer so much abuse and still call their partner a "friend". What a mess.

[seibert253]

ANY contact with the OM is a continuation of the affair. PERIOD. You should have settled this issue right after Dday.

 

You need tout your foot down and demand NC. Here's how I put it to my FWW:

"If you EVER have ANY contact with the OM again I WILL DIVORCE YOU! If you don't like it, pack your things and leave".

 

Stop putting up with her crap!

 

Edit: Just read your latest update. Why are putting yourself through this?

Sorry dude; cut bait and hoist anchor.

Edited October 13, 2012 by seibert253

[RickFox]

Dude, this is coming from a cheater, but you need to leave. It is time for you to leave your marriage.... She disrespected you a million times over and put it all on your head and NOW she wants to fix it....no, it's too late, and she is not your best friend and you are her doormat. And when you agree to stay and work on it, she will know that no matter what she does, she can step all over you and you'll still be there to get the sloppy seconds.

[kae]

youre probably becoming more unattractive to her now...

 

..which makes her want to keep him around more.

 

whatever this extremely unhealthy but some men do like groveling... they think thats love. i think u like it..

[peterbaynosa]

Would she take the same treatment from you?