SeventhFloor Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Been broken up a bit over a month now. NC for ~3 weeks, maybe 24 days. If you don't know my story, we were together 1.5 years. She cheated, lied, and just generally treated this in the worst way you possibly could, sleeping with him ASAP, fully committing to him within a matter of days... you can read the rest here. Since then, I've found out a lot more that went on (and discovered her lies). Two weeks ago, she contacted me (at about 10 days NC) saying she was sorry, she wanted to talk, and she wanted some closure. In between, she's called my best friend twice to ask him to convince me to talk to her, while she's off with her new guy. Yesterday she emailed me (two weeks after first contacting me). In her email, she said she understood why I was ignoring her, but would really like to talk to me about a few things in order to clean up her actions and the end of our relationship. She ended the email saying, she knows that I am doing well and happier than ever. It's kind of troubling me. I want to know WHY she wants to talk to me so bad. Could it be that her relationship with the new/old guy isn't going as well as she'd hoped? Also, why does she assume I'm doing better than ever, and that I'm happy? Man, what does this girl want from me.
Jamesblame Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Maybe she feels guilty and wants to apologize. The best thing you can do is keep your head on your shoulder and not let your heart get in the way. Even if she wanted to get back together, why would you? Take the ego boost of her wanting to talk to her, but guard your heart. You may think you've healed...but you'd be surprised how easy it is for an ex to wiggle past the scar tissue and stab you again. 1
jgregory4614 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Sounds like to me she still wants you as her plan B if things don't work out between her and the new guy. This is a screwed up situation. I've been through this before. I wouldn't talk to her. Enough damage has already been done. She's already closed this relationship by cheating on you. There's no closer left. 1
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) I'm still dealing with the issues she lied about when we broke up. There's so much that was clear as day but she was lying about. There's so much disrespect and hurtful actions taken by her, actions she wouldn't even realize would be devastating. She did some MESSED UP STUFF MAN. Apparently, after she emailed me, she spoke with my best friend (her cousin). I don't know what they said, but he keeps suggesting I talk to her (and not saying either way, but highly supporting me talking to her). We had a pretty good conversation about it. Basically, I say: She is with someone else, she is happy, she does not want to be with me, why should I talk to her? He goes: You do not know that she is happy, you do not know that she doesn't want to be with you: just talk to her! Man, it makes me uneasy and I don't know what to think. [EDIT]: That is the thing my best friend is primarily concerned about. I'm focused on "she did something messed up so I won't talk to her!" and his approach is pretty much, who cares that she did that stuff? She wants to talk to you NOW, as a person. And in the email she said it was "to clear up my actions AND the end of our relationship." How else am I supposed to take that? That must mean she is just trying to apologize to relieve her guilt, and formally close up our relationship's loose ends, and then go be with her new guy. My friend keeps saying, you don't know whether she wants to be with him or wants you back. I mean, come on? That just confuses me. Edited August 3, 2012 by SeventhFloor
ImASadPanda Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 She has done something unforgivable, and did not realize the guilt she would be carrying around with her because of it. She is necessarily lying when she says she wants closure, but really what she is looking for is to absolve herself of her wrong-doings, so she doesn't feel the guilt anymore. I agree with the above poster too ... girls are notorious for keeping one foot in the door while trying to open the window ... As a girl myself, and as a friends to many other girls ... they USUALLY want security blankets, stepping stones if you will even if they are NOT the one that screwed up in a relationship. (This is not a broad sweeping generalization ... just observation over my years and friends, and some ex-friends that I "broke up with" because they were treating men in their lives like crap). Personal example, an ex (well, several, but that's beside the point) cheated on me, and I didn't find out until 8 months into our relationship. Trusted him and we even had a quasi long distance relationship. He lived in NY, and me in DC. I found out about the first cheating instance in February ... I should have left right then and there, but I wanted the relationship to work so badly because I dreaded the idea of starting over, that I let him try to "make it up to me for another 5 months, during which I found out about a total of 5 cheating instances, and that, while dating me, he actually invited his EX home for Christmas before me, his then gf?! You'd think I would have been out the door the first time I found out, much less the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. But no... I dragged myself through hell, he begged for forgiveness and gave all the promises in the world not to do it again (which he kept doing) and it wasn't until I found the NEXT boyfriend, and I knew things would go towards a serious relationship, that I FINALLY closed the door on the old one. I know it's a bit reversed, but that is an example of how women are horrible about needing a "line drive" between center and left field, before daring to take a foot off 3rd base. Two of the boyfriends that did cheat on me continuously communicated with me, showed up with gifts, said they were sorry a million times, but you could tell by the look on their faces that they didn't realize screwing over the other person in the relationship might leave that person hurt, but that the guilt would lay squarely on their shoulders and the weight would seem to compound as time went on. Bottom line, I think she wants forgiveness so she can forgive herself, and she doesn't quite yet want to unleash you, hoping if she gets that chance to talk to you, you will change your opinion about who she is. Whether you get back together or not (and I say NOT), she wants to rationalize away the wrong she did, and hope that you drink the cool-aid too.
The dot Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Been broken up a bit over a month now. NC for ~3 weeks, maybe 24 days. If you don't know my story, we were together 1.5 years. She cheated, lied, and just generally treated this in the worst way you possibly could, sleeping with him ASAP, fully committing to him within a matter of days... you can read the rest here. Since then, I've found out a lot more that went on (and discovered her lies). Two weeks ago, she contacted me (at about 10 days NC) saying she was sorry, she wanted to talk, and she wanted some closure. In between, she's called my best friend twice to ask him to convince me to talk to her, while she's off with her new guy. Yesterday she emailed me (two weeks after first contacting me). In her email, she said she understood why I was ignoring her, but would really like to talk to me about a few things in order to clean up her actions and the end of our relationship. She ended the email saying, she knows that I am doing well and happier than ever. It's kind of troubling me. I want to know WHY she wants to talk to me so bad. Could it be that her relationship with the new/old guy isn't going as well as she'd hoped? Also, why does she assume I'm doing better than ever, and that I'm happy? Man, what does this girl want from me. Who cares what she wants? If she cheated on you, it's because she felt she wanted something you weren't providing. That simple. That's not necessarily an attack on you, it may well be something that no self-respecting person would want to provide, but rest assured, that's the reason she cheated. If you get back with her, she'll probably do it again, just with a little more care not to get caught. Just move on with your life and forget about her. Find someone more compatible.
Exit Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 SadPanda got it right. I'm willing to bet more than anything she wants to talk only for her benefit, to clear her conscience of being a liar and a cheater so she can have that weight off her shoulders so she can carry on with her new relationship not feeling guilty. I highly highly doubt she wants to discuss the relationship in any sense of getting back together and i don't think this is a sign that she isn't happy with her new guy. She wasnt interested in communicating with you for the sake of the relationship before she cheated so why entertain her wishes to talk now. She wants to talk about it so she can rationalize and justify what she did and wants to know that you don't think she's a bad person so she can be with the new guy guilt free. This doesn't necessarily mean you absolutely can't talk to her about it. If you want to be the bigger person and listen to her little speech and say yeah whatever go be with him and good luck I'll get over it, you can. But you certainly don't owe it to her you have every right just to move on and let her feel how she feels. Just don't go into this conversation expecting any part of it to really benefit you and certainly don't assume it means she wants you back and then decide.
HumptyDumpty Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Well, my opinion is... She really did screw up! I didn't read the whole story but cheating on you, does say it all. If something wouldn't have been right in your relationship, she should have talked with you like an adult, in order to resolve the issues if she would really have loved you! But cheating, well, you get the hint... Now, my guess she's single again and can't cope being alone, that's why she wants to talk. Going to a friend, she must really be.. desperate? What I would wait for is already an apology. As in writing a long and honest letter. Since she got the hint that you're keeping a distance. Now, the "happy" bit: could it be that she just wrote/said something in order for you to react? i mean, she wants to get in contact and is using everything she can, as in writing statements that aren't even true... I mean, how could you be "happy"? Seriously! Now, don't get in contact to make her feel better since here, it's all about her! Her feeling sad, her having made a mistake, her guilt, her loss (you and her back-up). But what about YOU? So don't give in just yet. She didn't get it yet and she has a lot of growing up to do. as I said, I would have written a letter. It's personal. It' doesn't involve other people (like best friends). There's no confrontation. My ex has the choice to read it or leave it. And it would be an honest apologize. If you react now, you'd get sucked in in all this crap, it's like a second break-up. My advice: let some grass grow over it for both of you. tell your friend that she shouldn't bother him anymore, he can't make you react either. Some NC if you'd like, to forget all this hurt and loss. And when you're ready, you can get back to her, to listen what she has to say. Since maybe she has learned a lesson from this. If she hasn't at that moment, you'll be over her anyway and appreciate the fact she's your ex. Since you deserve better... Just a little thought
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