Beeper Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Hello all, and thanks in advance for reading this and any replies. My g/f of 4.5 years moved-out yesterday and we broke-up. It was a fairly amicable breakup. This breakup has been several months in the making, at least indirectly. She is very insecure and as a result, very jealous, suspicious, etc. I admit that I was inexperienced dealing with this type of situtation, and I did things early in the relationship that didn't help, but once I learned what her triggers were, I tried to avoid doing anything that might further her insecurities. Unfortunately, as a result, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells or living under a microscope. Communication was difficult because anytime I would tell her how I felt about things, she always took it as criticsm and became defensive. This lead me to be less open about things, which just made things worse, and even made me bitter. So, when she started thinking things were OK because I didn't complain much (or at all), she started wanting a permanent committment, to which I rejected on the grounds that "we weren't ready." This, in turn, made her bitter. Meanwhile, I was learning more everyday about being in this type of relationship and letting go of my anger. But, as I was recovering from my bitterness, she was sinking more into hers and was withdrawing from the relationship. So then I started seeing those signs and started letting-go, too. In short, we never were on the same page and because of where we were, we misinterpreted each other's signals and did some pretty destructive things. So, eventually, I just gave up that we would be able to work things out, and I think she did too. So, now we've broken-up. As I said, this has been a few months in the making, and especially this past month, I've spent a lot of time letting go, which was very hard for me. I'm even starting to feel like I want to date other people. The day after the break-up, though, I'm having second thoughts and confusion. Did I make the right decision? Did I give up too soon? We both still care about each other, and decided to remain friends. But that will be hard, especially for her because I know she still loves me and will be hurt when I start seeing someone new. But right now, I feel like that's the path I want to take. So I guess I'm just a mess of feelings right now. I want to feel like it's OK that I broke-up with her, that it's OK to still care about her, but that it's also OK for me to date again, but I worry it will hurt her. Can anybody relate, or am I totally schizo?
jw32802 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Get the book "makeup dont breakup" by bonnie eaker weil. Ironically she tells you to BREAK UP in order to find out what you want. I believe in this. Break up for 6-8 weeks without contact, and if you have to date then date. They say that if you 2 have a viable love, then the separation will bring you back together. maybe talk once in awhile but dont get "together". its hard to stick to this, but you both need to miss each other to know what you want. She says that you need to go "into your emptiness" and feel life without each other. give it a try, i know it hard.
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