Do I really want to know if my wife is cheating?

[losingtheplot]

Thanks for the constructive feedback DuckSoup. I'm well aware that it doesn't look good and maybe I am kidding myself, but i'd rather not throw away a 15 year relationship on the basis of the accuracy of an iPhone app. All I am saying is that I would prefer to know for sure, before deciding that divorce is the best option. If in order to do that I let her go out and do it again, I am still not going to be in any worse a position than I am now, but at least i'll know either way.

[K.J]

I found myself in a similar situation, documented in the recent thread I started. I think I knew she had cheated but was scared to find out. In five and a half years I asked her a few times and she lied. You get these problem pages which always seem to advise a wayward of lieing if their spouse doesn't know, thing is you suspect it so she has to come clean.

 

In answer to your question, yes you need to know. In the years since it happened things would keep coming up, questions that weren't answered properly. In my experience when things are going well between the two of you, that's when you'll think about it most because something at the back of your mind will be telling you all is not right.

 

I'm not going to tell you what I think she is or isn't doing, the truth will come out in the end, I hope you dont have to wait as long as I waited for your answer. Best of luck.

[losingtheplot]

Thanks KJ, it's good to hear from someone that's been in a similar position and found it hard to walk away from someone they love. No disrespect meant to the other posters, you have all helped me try to figure this out, but I feel some people are stronger when it comes to this and hope that you don't feel like I am being a complete idiot by holding out until I know for sure.

 

I think the biggest mistake I made was to confront her about the texts, as now it is going to be a lot harder to prove whatever is or isn't going on. I can't get on her phone, can't use a voice recorder as she doesn't drive to work and she very rarely uses the laptop for anything other than paying the bills. I'm just gonna have to get creative i suppose.

[GLDheart]

I know you said money was tight but a private investigator would answer all of your questions very quickly.

 

In the end you are right back where you started: Do you really want to know? And if so, what's it worth to you?

[Steadfast]

You have to start making decisions with your head rather than your heart.

 

This is the best advice you'll get. Unfortunately, it's also the hardest advice to take. What you're doing is not living. It's slow death. You already know. Sure, instinct says to hang on, to hope for the best, to not 'throw away' all those years. Sadly, she's already thrown them away. It's thrown. How can you save something that's already gone? How can you make someone love you? You can't. That's the beauty, and the beast of love. That's how it is.

 

If you want your wife back, you're going to have to fight for her. You're going to have to straighten her ass out...

 

Won't work. The harder you try to convince her he's bad (or, more accurately, that she's wrong) the harder she'll pull. The only chance you have to save your marriage is if she fights for you. You can't talk her into it and you can't play her into it. It's just like when you first met. Did you force her then? No. Truth be known, you wouldn't want that. Not really.

 

Forget all the tracking, scheming and catching her in the act. You're better off if you don't know the details. Here's a much easier, cheaper way; look her in the eye. Sit her down to talk and demand you maintain eye contact. If she's unwilling or unable, you'll know for sure. It's 95% effective.

 

Don't waste your time or energy trying to convince or make her open up.

 

Vague, wishy-washy answers, cleaned out messages and demands for privacy or space should be considered confessions.

 

Don't assume; tell her those exact words. If by some miracle she isn't stepping out, then she'll know your radar is on. Again, sadly, deep down, both you and I know she is. We always know.

 

Then, let her go. If she loves you, she'll come back. At that point, it'll be up to you. To many, the cheating is a lifetime deal breaker. You will decide.

 

Hang in. Breathe. Be proactive, not reactive. Start living past it now.

[Gunny376]

Me, myself and I? I don't play this "is she" game. I hold myself and my personal interactions with others above questions and above reproach ~ no questions ask. I expect nothing less from Mrs. Gunny. She knows this, and she conducts herself likewise.

 

She knows that if she even gives me a reason to suspect? My response will probally sudden, quick, fast and in a hurry like. No if's, ands and buts about it. It will be complete and total shock and awe ~ I WILL go DefCon 4 on her.

 

Thats me ~ per the lessons that I've learned having gone through all of this once in my life. I've become a "student" and time and time again the answer is clear.

 

I don't have to prove Jack S**t! YOUR the one who's got to prove that your not cheating on me. And you'd had best have proof not only as if your life was on the line ina court of law? But as though tomorrow is Judgement Day and your standing before the Law of God Himself and your very soul was at stake!

 

Of course the best way to do this is not to get yourself into questionable situations to begin with.

 

 

From what you've posted? (The orginal poster) the DW would come home to the locks having been changed on the door, with all of her trash out in the front lawn.