NC didn't last...again

[LiHai]

So we decided to go NC, yet it only took 3 days for me to receive a message from him saying "I know I shouldn't say this - but I miss you". I ignore it. Almost a week later we are in the same class together, he sits close (with our circle of friends) and we do not speak. At one point I look in his direction, he smiles, I do not. I felt so proud of myself - I was doing what I needed to do!

 

An hour after I leave the class I start craving him and start doubting myself. I think screw it, I'll text him and say it was so difficult seeing him. So I sent that, I get one back immediately saying he felt the same way and he wished he could give me a hug. There was a little back and forth banter but nothing over the top.

 

So once again contact had resumed, we would text once or twice a day, a big difference when we would spend hours communicating. I thought I could stay in control, boy was I wrong! The next part I have to kind of skip over without giving out details that could point back to me IRL. Through a stroke of good luck / bad luck we end up working at the same place for the next 3 months. Keep in mind at this point, we were texting once or twice a day but it was fairly platonic.

 

On my first day at the new job I kept to myself. Said hi and how's your day but nothing else. The second day is similar, except we go for a short stroll around the block at lunch time. Still no further lines are crossed. The third day we go for another walk at lunch. He says to me "I just want to tell you, I don't think I'll ever leave my wife" He seemed to bbe in such turmoil when he spoke the words. I said "I understand, and I knew that - It's ok" we keep walking he looks distressed and says he is confused he is unhappy and thinks about leaving all the time, he just can't do it. And THEN he says "how would you feel if I left my wife" - this made me feel a little upset, I thought we were clear you weren't so why would you make me ask me that and directly get me to think about it? I told him "I would not know how to feel, it does not mean we would be together, I might feel a little excited knowing we could possibly be together".

 

Then we left, that night I hung out with a friend and had a few drinks, she advised me again to run, she said you are strong you only act weak like this when you are with him, I agreed. I had a few more drinks and text him. We had a brief conversation that night saying this can't go on. We're crossing boundaries again and we would end up hurt. I was a little tipsy and probably harsh on him telling him I did now want hi m, and then he said things like "I could tell you I love you but you don't want to hear that, I could tell you I might get the courage to finally leave my wife, but I guess you don't want that anymore" I was hurt, it was what I wanted him to say (and do) but unless he was doing it I don't want it to go on. The conversation ended badly. The next morning we decide to meet and tidy things up, we talk, re affirm that it is over and then hug each other one last time. We hadn't hugged in a few weeks and it felt so beautiful, it led to a kiss. No! Not again. We leave.

 

That night a mutual friend of ours was having a celebration for his birthday. We are both there, this friend knows about us, my MM tells me he has told his wife he is leaving (this is at least the 5th time!) they argue she tries to convince him not to. He tells me he cannot go home, he doesn't want to, he doesn't know where to live etc. I said I would help him as best as I can. We end up having a fun night and he comes back home with me, he stays till late the next afternoon. I knew his wife would be fuming but I was so happy to have him and to potentially be in a place where we were rounding the corner to finally attempt a real relationship (yes I am bad).

 

We talk, we laugh, we sing, we are completely open with each other. He tells me he is nervous to go back to his place, I said I understand. He leaves, goes home and confirms to his wife that it is over, that he cannot go on in a loveless marriage anymore. He does however deny being with me overnight - he did admit to being with me during the day. She gets upset brings up the children and how they are already missing a father figure with their dad with him always being so busy and how if he leaves he will rarely see them and they will be mentally harmed by it and how could he do this to them. She convinces him to stay (again).

 

He tells me he cannot leave that evening and I am upset. Furious actually, not because he didn't leave but because I was foolish to fall for him again and to actually believe he might do it this time. Also I felt a little used, like he got wanted and then he could go home again. So I get angry and hang up on him. I email his wife (who has known about us for months) and tell her it is finally truly over, I am sorry for everything, he is still lying to you, I wont contact him again, that kinda stuff.

 

She contacts me and we have a chat -She was so very sweet. I apologised to her and told her how bad I felt about everything. I think it was good talking to her. I told her that I believe it is over between us (I'm not sure if I believe it entirely - he still messages me -platonically!) I told her some of the truths she had been looking for and she did the same for me.

 

I know now that he hasn't been lying to me when he say's he has attempted to leave her, he just get's so scared and cannot go through it when his wife informs him how bad the future will be if he did.

 

I know I need to leave him alone and if he chooses to leave, the maybe we can resume - I just feel so emotionally messy. I love him - I believe that, it's not just an infatuation and I believe he loves me. I wish I could see into the future. If I could see he will leave at one point when he is ready to do it for himself, I would be happy to go on with life knowing at some point we could meet again. If I could see we would not be, I would work hard to remove all traces of him from my life! This is so freaking hard!! Arrrrgh!!! Tell me what you think!! I need advice and opinions. I need help, I need to help myself....

 

Oh and I had to leave that job I mentioned earlier, no way could we keep working together! We still have the occasional class though. *sigh*

 

Sorry for the super post!

[canuckprincess]

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time and unlike most break ups we as the ow have no one to turn to. I'm sure he loves you, however he's scared. I don't understand why a betrayed wife would force him to stay, and why any man would allow someone to imprison them. If what he's telling you is true she is using the kids to force him to stay. Trust me he will not be able to take that long term and will grow to resent her. I'm sorry but I don't think a piece of paper gives you ownership over another human being. Stay strong and remember your not alone. I'm in the same boat minus the children.

[LiHai]

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time and unlike most break ups we as the ow have no one to turn to. I'm sure he loves you, however he's scared. I don't understand why a betrayed wife would force him to stay, and why any man would allow someone to imprison them. If what he's telling you is true she is using the kids to force him to stay. Trust me he will not be able to take that long term and will grow to resent her. I'm sorry but I don't think a piece of paper gives you ownership over another human being. Stay strong and remember your not alone. I'm in the same boat minus the children.

 

Thank you for your kind words. This is such and incredibly difficult situation. I don't understand why a betrayed spouse would force a man to stay either. At times I think he is hoping that she will finally give up and tell him to leave - from what I know of her, she will never do this! It has to come from him and he is too scared. He tells me he thinks about it everyday and whenever he has been strong enough to attempt it he starts the conversation and she talks hm out of it, essentially he panics.

 

His wife has moved out again, she is living close by with family but it is only temporary. As part of their religion (which he no longer feels so strongly towards, but is still part of him) divorce is not acceptable.

[Owl]

Thank you for your kind words. This is such and incredibly difficult situation. I don't understand why a betrayed spouse would force a man to stay either. At times I think he is hoping that she will finally give up and tell him to leave - from what I know of her, she will never do this! It has to come from him and he is too scared. He tells me he thinks about it everyday and whenever he has been strong enough to attempt it he starts the conversation and she talks hm out of it, essentially he panics.

 

His wife has moved out again, she is living close by with family but it is only temporary. As part of their religion (which he no longer feels so strongly towards, but is still part of him) divorce is not acceptable.

 

A BS can't force anyone to stay.

 

He told you early on that he didn't believe that he'd ever leave his wife.

 

He can leave whenever he chooses to. The bottom line is that he hasn't chosen to do so. Whether it's that he's not "strong enough", or what...really doesn't matter in the scheme of things.

 

Unless he changes...he's going to stay where he's at.

 

The question is...what do you do about it?

 

Do you accept the situation...do you insist on changes...do you move on when/if he doesn't change...these are all things you have to decide and implement as needed.

[LiHai]

A BS can't force anyone to stay.

 

He told you early on that he didn't believe that he'd ever leave his wife.

 

He can leave whenever he chooses to. The bottom line is that he hasn't chosen to do so. Whether it's that he's not "strong enough", or what...really doesn't matter in the scheme of things.

 

Unless he changes...he's going to stay where he's at.

 

The question is...what do you do about it?

 

Do you accept the situation...do you insist on changes...do you move on when/if he doesn't change...these are all things you have to decide and implement as needed.

 

Thanks Owl.

 

I get that I need to figure out what I need to do about it. Once I decide I need to then focus on staying strong to my decision. So far I've failed to stick to whatever decision I've come to, I don't outright fail...I very slowly go back, one small step at a time.

 

I feel like I know what I need to do, I don't know if I am 100% behind it, but I know I need to walk away. I am putting so much focus on my life and staying busy so I don't succumb to loneliness which is when I falter. It's a long lonely process and I'm scared I will let myself down again.

[LiHai]

Last night we spoke again. I told him I could not keep this up, I could not keep being his friend - that it was to draining emotionally. I asked him to never contact me again unless he was free to do so in the open.

 

I asked him to remove all forms of contact for me. And I proceeded to do the same for him. I had tears running down my face as I did it.

 

I have checked this morning and I can see he has removed me from everything I asked him to. It is finally over.

 

I feel sad and relieved. I know it's right, I know that if I don't do this I will keep being emotionally screwed over. It doesn't take away the pain.

 

I feel so alone and I feel like no one cares. I am living by myself for the first time in 15 years, and I no longer have the company of my MM. I have no one to talk to in the evenings and I don't know how I am going to cope.

 

I do know I will hold strong to do with MM. I just can't keep feeling the pain associated with our R.

 

Thanks everyone for your help.

[sad puppy]

Tough at the beginning, but it gets easier. To make it easier for yourself, you must want to escape the pain. Don't allow yourself to fall into sad thinking patterns about how much you miss him. You have to commit to a life without him and all the drama and painful emotions. You may not see it now but you will eventually. Imagine no tears and hurtful feelings. It feels great to finally eliminate all of that from your life. Believe, and you will succeed.

[LiHai]

Tough at the beginning, but it gets easier. To make it easier for yourself, you must want to escape the pain. Don't allow yourself to fall into sad thinking patterns about how much you miss him. You have to commit to a life without him and all the drama and painful emotions. You may not see it now but you will eventually. Imagine no tears and hurtful feelings. It feels great to finally eliminate all of that from your life. Believe, and you will succeed.

 

I am going to try to not think about him and to not be sad. I am right now because of what's happened in the last 24 hours but I am trying to put plans in place to keep myself busy. It will only get tough in the evening once my children are in bed.

 

I want to believe that my life will be best without him in it. Mostly I can see that vision and I feel strong, sometimes though I feel weak and don't know how I can live without him. Luckily I am strong more often than I am weak.

 

I woke up crying this morning. Today is day 1 of NC. Surely the hardest? I was thinking about building a NC app. Anyone interested in that?

 

His wife is talking to me right now, it is so difficult, they are going to keep trying to work things out even though they are both fully aware he is in love with me. And here I am talking to her and telling her I hope it works for you, I know he still cares for you etc.... I want to yell, no - it won't work, he loves me, he stays out of obligation! But I cannot do that, I am not like that. If they want to keep working on their marriage, I have to respect that and so I am walking away.

[LiHai]

Agree.

 

I don't get why you are pretending to end it all the time? You seem to blame HIM that you are not NC, but you can STOP responding anytime.

 

I see a lot on here that OW don't want to be the one to stop responding because they feel like if they do stop responding, the MM may 'forget' about them or not know how they feel.

 

If he wants to be with you; he would be. He has chosen to stay married. How much longer are you going to stay on the merry-go-round? He isn't staying out of obligation. He isn't staying because of the kids. He is staying because that is his CHOICE.

 

And for heavens sake, STOP talking to his wife. She doesn't deserve all the stuff you and her H have done to her. Leave her alone.

 

So I'm supposed to ignore his wife? She initiates the contact, not me! I once sent her an email because I knew she wanted the truth and I knew she had wanted to talk to me, well that was what my MM had told me, he didn't want me to talk to her.

 

Anyway in my email I told her if she wanted to contact me she could. I have never contacted her since, she has however contacted me. Are you advocating me ignoring her?