Getting over somebody

[theskyisblue]

Hey if anybody has seen the other threads I posted they'll realise I got dumped about a month ago from a girl I'd been with for a while and thought I would be settling down with. I've only had contact twice, once to make a phone call to arrange collecting my stuff and once to actually collect my stuff.

 

So what I want to ask is why is this so ****ing hard? Seriously? I wrote her a letter saying that I accept it's over but in my heart I'm argh, well I guess heartbroken. All of our mutual friends have kept in contact with her and I've heard nothing from them apart from when I actually run in to them, when they are civil.

 

I've allowed myself to feel sad, met up with friends, kept busy, taken a trip away to get on with things but it isn't ****ing working. I miss her, and the fact that it was some wishy-washy end makes it even worse. I'm indifferent to so many things. Couldn't give a **** at work really and I only really feel happy when I'm away from this city or with other people who are a distraction. There are occassions when I can't stop crying, just pure heartbroken sobbing. Is that part of it as well?

 

The relationship was off and on a lot so I got used to being kicked out and feeling sad but this is it. There is no reconcilliation. The city I live in is so small as well. I actually saw her the other day, she had pulled up at the traffic lights and stopped. Her and her female friend saw me, I saw them, awkward wave and then they drove off. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a text from her after this. Didn't happen though. I understand the logic of getting through it but why does it hurt this much and why can't you get over this?

 

Thanks for listening - had some dreams about her and think I woke up feeling a bit defeated by it all.

[Cl0udy]

Hey, I really really feel for you. I was there about more than a month ago.

 

What caused the break up?

 

When was the last time you spoke with her?

 

[TheBetterPerson]

Its the ultimate in heartbreak!

How long ago did you break up?

 

Dont expect a thing from this girl and dont give anything to her, not a text, email a call and i would even go to say forget the letter but i take it you have already sent it!!

[theskyisblue]

Hey cloudy,

 

*

 

We were off and on for a while and I was struggling with supporting my mum with a divorce and helping out my family. That got sorted, I went away travelling, she came out and visited me there and then I came back, lived with her for a few weeks then got my own place specifically so we could properly start our lives. A couple of weeks after signing the lease she told me she doesn’t love me and I’m heartbroken, just started a job so had to take some sick leave. She then comes back and says actually she really does love me and want to be with me. Hurrah! I say lets go on some dates, I’m a little cautious about it. We agree, have some fun amazing dates, are intimate and caring, then I ask her if we can tell people we’re in a relationship and that’s it! She dumps me again. Says she doesn’t love me, hasn’t for a while and it was her friends telling her how great I am that made her want to be with me.

 

If there is a word for the depth of hurt and sorrow that caused I am yet to hear of it. I was literally lost leaving her house, didn’t want to go home and so was wandering the streets, thinking how could this happen again? I have only seen her properly once to get my stuff back and what a heartbreaker that was. I feel used and stupid for loving this girl. I was thinking engagement rings and she was thinking exit plans.

 

The worst part though is that it isn’t really getting easier. I’m slipping into a lethargic state of really who gives a ****. If you support your friends and family, love a person and want to be with them, do everything correct you get a lonely apartment to yourself, a girl who doesn’t love you, friends who perhaps find the situation awkward and so stay away and a job that really you took because you wanted to earn money to be with the girl. Why bother doing things the decent way when you get heartache for it? She is just out there living her life supported by our friends, without a care in the world (probably) and this is what I get – loneliness, crying and a desperation to do something different and to get away from here.

[theskyisblue]

Hey the better person,

 

*

 

Thanks for the reply. The post on here should hopefully explain a few details. I did send the letter, in fact I gave it to her. Said I accept her not wanting to be in a relationship and that I wouldn’t contact her or come after her. That’s what I want to do though. **** I miss talking to her. That’s the hard thing – there’s so much you share with somebody when you’ve been with them for a long while and when you get to mid-late 20’s you think about settling down with that person. She told me that we’d never had a serious conversation about having kids or where we’d live. She said we’d talked about getting a dog, but not what kind of dog or what it would be called. She also said I think, that I was moving too quickly in the relationship since I came back from travelling. I feel like I couldn’t win.

 

I do start to think what’s the point in a relationship though. I mean, I get it, the companionship, the trust the caring and all the rest of that, but when you put everything in to it and the girl can walk away and literally that’s it. You get no say in the matter, it’s no contact, no trying to win you back then what the **** is the point. Might as well accept that you’ll be by yourself or a divorce statistic. I suppose I may be a bit biased due to my parents divorce but seriously I am thinking why bother? All of this heartbreak – is it worth it?

[theskyisblue]

Well usually I wouldn't post this sort of thing but I feel unbelievably lonely. Is that something that happens to everybody?

[blindnowisee]

Hi theskyisblue,

 

Feeling lonely is only normal - especially if this was your first relationship (childhood sweetheart). I was at the same place you were at the very start of the year. If you're interested in my story you can find it on loveshack.

 

The things I've learnt from my break-up:

- I was completely shattered by the break-up which made it apparent that I'd lost my own identity, my own passions/interests and only tried to make my gf happy. This explains why you're now feeling like your entire world has collapsed - because frankly it has for the sheer reason you've merged your life with your gf.

- Life is about you. You need to put yourself first and figure out what your hopes/dreams/goals in life are. These goals should be about you i.e. not 'making my gf the happiest person in the world' etc.

- This is the ideal time to do some soulsearching - what have you been putting off for the past year(s) because of your relationship. You always wanted to buy an old car and fix it up? Travel the world? Take up some extreme sport? Go and do it now son!! ;-)

- Adversity builds character. People will always be hit by adversity no matter who you are or where you're from. Distinguish yourself from others by being strong and taking setbacks as learning points - experiences you can use to better yourself.

- In a few months from now you might have the same epiphany that I (and many others) have had: you were in love with having a relationship - with being loved. Deep in your heart you knew this wasn't the girl you were going to spend your ENTIRE LIFE with. Not saying you never loved her - just saying loving the relationship you're currently in and devoting your entire life to someone are 2 seperate things.

- This is one of the turning points in life. I think you can even compare it with near-death experiences. After these experiences you should align your life again. What I mean by that is: prioritize what is really important to you and use it as motivation to become a better person and to achieve your goals.

- This point ties in with the NC rule. First few months you use NC in the hope your ex will contact you and all will be dandy again. After a certain period of time you will start to use the break-up as your motivation to achieve all you want to achieve to show the ex what she's missing! Then one day you will wake up and not give a shiz about your ex as you've grown.. you've evolved into a better human being and are much better equipped for both new relationships and life itself.

 

End of rant ;-)

[blindnowisee]

Oh yeah.. nearly forgot. Watch Swingers

 

Swingers (1996) - IMDb

 

And try guessing which character you're at now and which one you want to become ;-)

[hopelessromantic29]

Hi.... Your relationship sounds just like the one I'm trying to get over. Except his reasoning was, "we are just not right for each other." I've spent 3 yrs of my life loving this man I thought I was going to spend forever with. So I know the feeling all too well.

 

I'll admit, there are times that I feel exactly like you do, but I get myself to snap out of it. Don't feel bad for hurting! I feel proud when I do bc I know that's how deep I can love someone n I want the SAmE in return. Don't beat urself up for it.

 

Now almost 3 weeks of NC, I feel better. I'm focusing my attention on MY life. Been working nonstop, going for walks, just anything that keeps me busy. And I feel better. Trust me, take your time. We all go thru the exact same thing, and in the end, we always come out stronger! Love yourself the way you loved her!

[theskyisblue]

The really frustrating thing is that I was her first proper boyfriend but I've been in other serious relationships so whilst I was thinking about settling down with her perhaps she got cold feet.

 

There is nothing I can do about it except keep myself busy. It feels like just about any guy would have a chance with her except me because we're done. I do have to think about how badly she treated me when I get upset. Not sure if you guys and gals feel like this but you could be watching a movie, or walking past a place you used to hang out and then bam you start sobbing. Seriously crazy but there is nothing you can do. I was told to allow the sadness, it's part of it. I switch though and might get really unbelievably angry at things. The unfairness of the fact that I helped my family so much that I probably couldn't put enough into our relationship and when the folks divorce was sorted, I got a well paid job and a nice flat - THAT'S when she didn't want to be with me????

 

Seriously?? We go through so much, it gets good and then I get serious and she bails?

 

Thanks for the movie tip off and the great advice - this is why this community is ace. You get decent people talking to you about really important stuff. Sounds like you've been through it as well.

 

Hopelessromantic I too have been putting in some serious walking miles. It's crazy but the action of just doing something helps to focus away from the sadness and loneliness.

 

The loneliness is just so ****ing awful isn't it. Also everybody seems to be in a couple as well and how often can they listen to you talk about why it didn't work out.

 

It didn't work I get that but I am feeling the loneliness and rejection and the thing I'm missing so much is being able to talk to her. We had such great conversations and she's got rid of all that - for what??

[cheekysmiles]

you're remembering all the good things right now, the "don't know what you've got until it's gone" phase. it's natural, no matter how compatible or whether you're the dumpee or dumper. just remember that you'll grow beyond this pain and you're already well on your way. keep strong brother. i'm with you on the same sentiment

 

might be good for you to check out this post as well http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/211578-post-breakup-stages

[Lovestolove]

My bf/ex and i just decided to end things yesterday

Uhhhh... things are so painfully fresh

 

and the thought of being without some1 to cuddle at night and share my day with.....

but we must be strong

 

I thought 'Blindnowisee had some really really great Advise,it really helped me too!

 

Like keep occupied, fill ur days with being around friends or activites u enjoy or are interested to try

Totally try new hobbies or sports meeting people will help distract ur mind from negative depressive thoughts

 

A good friend of mine told me something he leard froma life couch about training urself push sad thoughts away and replace with something that is connected with postivitity anything like i try brainstorm

right now for me for example: tiny clumsy ginger fluffy kittens with big head, cheesey Pizza, the smell of fresh cut grass in the moring sunshine, a waterfall in India, my moms fresh bread my grandmothers beautiful country farm, my dog farting hehe

 

I have admit it feel nice to know im not alone in feeling so crap

sometimes i feel like theres no one else out there who have such overwhelming burst of spontaneous crying sessions

 

kinda which there could be a recovery group where people meet up to hug and cry together...does that sound too weird

*sigh*

 

Well hunni u are not alone <3

U will find someone who really deserves you and you'll be grateful for this experience because u'll appreciate the future girl, thats meant for u, even more

Time helps....but personally for me right now it feel so slow >.<

 

Best of Luck