livelife Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I'm the dumper and I regret it instantly and tried to fix things literally 20 minutes after the breakup. Since then I have tried to work on things, ask him to hang out and such. He has no money currently, no job and is trying to pay rent so he says he can't hang out with me, but would let me know when he could. We've hung out before, but at those times all I did was cry because I was upset over the break up and it really has pushed him away...The other day, I asked him for another chance because all i've done is bitch at him, so I said if he talked to me more and when I asked him to hang out to not blow me off every time then I wouldn't complain and nag as much. I told him tonight that hanging out was entirely up to him, he said he just lost his job on campus so he "doesnt know when he will have free time" I said, I'm not expecting you to, I was just saying. And he said I mean i just wanted to let you know I would when I have time. Honestly at this point i'm considering just dropping the "lets just be friends" line. I can't try to be with someone who doesn't try to see me. Money doesn't mean anything to me. I could watch a movie with him and be okay, so I don't understand. I do want another chance from him, and I know this is my last chance to get things to work, but I cant stand this anymore. What are your suggestions? *He is constantly checking my twitter because he texts me at times asking what this tweet was about haha. So I know hes creeping * he is blocked from my facebook. This is the message I have typed up to send if I decide to tell him we should just remain friends... "You know, I want to work things out with you but at the same time, I need someone who can focus on solely me, on us, and on getting us back together and we haven't seen each other barely, and in a while. I'm not a materialistic girl so money isn't a reason to not see me... I just don't know how things can work out that way. Maybe it's best we are just friends until you really are set on what you want from me. "
ZhaoZilong5 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 He needs space. He has a lot going on in his life. When life slows down, he'll start missing you and might come back. That's what happened to my ex. She was facing the possibility of getting kicked out and not being able to go back to uni. Things worked out for her, and she started missing me, but not enough to want to get back together because of other guys in the picture. While I do believe that no matter what goes on in somebody's life, if he wants to be with you, then he will, I just feel like "I need someone who can focus on me" sounds pushy. I know what YOU mean, but I'm not sure if he'll see it that way. Don't be friends. Be friendly, but not friends. Look up Mayday11's "Guide to LC" on ENotAlone.com. I'm fairly sure he's known as homebrew on LS. I don't think being friends is ever a good idea, just because that's not what you want to be. If you were friends before or something, then LC is the perfect way to say on the fringe of his life while showing that you care on some level, otherwise you'd be completely gone. Not being friends with him in that case shows that you won't settle for less than a relationship.
Author livelife Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 He needs space. He has a lot going on in his life. When life slows down, he'll start missing you and might come back. That's what happened to my ex. She was facing the possibility of getting kicked out and not being able to go back to uni. Things worked out for her, and she started missing me, but not enough to want to get back together because of other guys in the picture. While I do believe that no matter what goes on in somebody's life, if he wants to be with you, then he will, I just feel like "I need someone who can focus on me" sounds pushy. I know what YOU mean, but I'm not sure if he'll see it that way. Don't be friends. Be friendly, but not friends. Look up Mayday11's "Guide to LC" on ENotAlone.com. I'm fairly sure he's known as homebrew on LS. I don't think being friends is ever a good idea, just because that's not what you want to be. If you were friends before or something, then LC is the perfect way to say on the fringe of his life while showing that you care on some level, otherwise you'd be completely gone. Not being friends with him in that case shows that you won't settle for less than a relationship. What do you suggest I say to him and what steps do I take towards this?
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 So he has been putting forth effort when it comes to talking to me, but he also is struggling when it comes to asking me to hang out. I saw that he is going out tonight with some people so I was not okay with that and I sent him a message that said, "you know i've been thinking about it and I do want to work things with you but until youre ready to see me we need space." He said, "well considering last night I told you I would let you know when I was free...but Okay." My response was "you seem to have quite a bit of free time. I don't think we can "work on things" until we can actually see eachother. Have fun tonight." He said "okay ___(my name). And its my friends from homes birthday, so I will have fun ( i looked and her birthday is saturday, and its like a thursday night special, so that was true. I just am sick of him not making time to see me. he could have seen me tonight, he can see me tomorrow. So I think it's best that I don't speak to him until he wants to really work on us. Thoughts?
lil hoodlum Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) I think you are starting to be a little needy and clingy. You don't own him. Yes, I understand you just want to spend time with him, but if you give him a hard time or guilt him for not spending time with you, he will probably resent you actions. I know it's hard but try to take a step back. Be happy for him and for yourself. When you actually want a little more closeness, you should step back a little bit and wait for the other person to come to you. If you step forward to them when you are seeking closeness, sometimes you push the other person away. Just relax. You can do this. Remember you love this guy and things should be about loving each other and not being overly critical of small things. Good luck! Edited August 3, 2012 by lil hoodlum forgot the NOT 1
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 I think you are starting to be a little needy and clingy. You don't own him. Yes, I understand you just want to spend time with him, but if you give him a hard time or guilt him for not spending time with you, he will probably resent you actions. I know it's hard but try to take a step back. Be happy for him and for yourself. When you actually want a little more closeness, you should step back a little bit and wait for the other person to come to you. If you step forward to them when you are seeking closeness, sometimes you push the other person away. Just relax. You can do this. Remember you love this guy and things should be about loving each other and not being overly critical of small things. Good luck! So did I make a mistake by saying that? At the end I said i'm not saying I dont want to work on us and hang out, by the way. So just stepping back and let him come to me..?
The dot Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I just am sick of him not making time to see me. he could have seen me tonight, he can see me tomorrow. So I think it's best that I don't speak to him until he wants to really work on us. Thoughts? My thought is that I personally wouldn't want that sort of drama in my life, regardless of whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. If you dumped him, you probably had a very good reason for it at the time (or at least thought you did). Maybe you should re-examine why you did that. Then you've told him you just want to be "friends". It sounds like you're not totally sure of your own feelings. I can't speak for this guy, but I know that I don't push the rewind button on my life. If someone dumps me or rejects me, I simply move on to other things and don't talk to them again. Maybe he feels the same way as I would, in which case, sending him emails and the like won't change his mind. I think the two of you need some serious time apart, and some dates with other people. I'd say don't call him for six months to a year, and both of you move on with your lives. By the sound of things, you'll probably both be happier with other people -- or alone if it comes to that.
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 My thought is that I personally wouldn't want that sort of drama in my life, regardless of whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. If you dumped him, you probably had a very good reason for it at the time (or at least thought you did). Maybe you should re-examine why you did that. Then you've told him you just want to be "friends". It sounds like you're not totally sure of your own feelings. I can't speak for this guy, but I know that I don't push the rewind button on my life. If someone dumps me or rejects me, I simply move on to other things and don't talk to them again. Maybe he feels the same way as I would, in which case, sending him emails and the like won't change his mind. I think the two of you need some serious time apart, and some dates with other people. I'd say don't call him for six months to a year, and both of you move on with your lives. By the sound of things, you'll probably both be happier with other people -- or alone if it comes to that. I had no reason to break up with him, I re read texts between us before the break up and realized we both were really busy and not seeing eachother or talking as much so things got rocky. And I've given him the chance to tell me that we just need to date other people, but he hasn't told me that. When I asked him for another chance he said, "idk what you expect me to do." I said, okay so no chance? and he said I never said that. He clearly has had plenty of chances to just end it, and has told me that he wants to work on us. He wouldn't be giving me chance after chance if he didn't.
The dot Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I had no reason to break up with him, I re read texts between us before the break up and realized we both were really busy and not seeing eachother or talking as much so things got rocky. And I've given him the chance to tell me that we just need to date other people, but he hasn't told me that. When I asked him for another chance he said, "idk what you expect me to do." I said, okay so no chance? and he said I never said that. He clearly has had plenty of chances to just end it, and has told me that he wants to work on us. He wouldn't be giving me chance after chance if he didn't. What he's doing now isn't really the point. The point is, neither of you seem to be sure about your feelings for each other. And I think you, in particular, need some time alone before you try another relationship. If you're getting upset and wanting to break up with someone just because they're busy (and you did at some point, even if you regretted it later), that's a sign that you need to get out for a while. Otherwise, this will keep happening again and again.
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 What he's doing now isn't really the point. The point is, neither of you seem to be sure about your feelings for each other. And I think you, in particular, need some time alone before you try another relationship. If you're getting upset and wanting to break up with someone just because they're busy (and you did at some point, even if you regretted it later), that's a sign that you need to get out for a while. Otherwise, this will keep happening again and again. I'm just going to step back and let him come to me and see where that takes us.
lil hoodlum Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I'm just going to step back and let him come to me and see where that takes us. I think that is the wisest thing to do for now. It is like a little dance. You will get the hang of it. When you step back, you are giving him the opportunity to come to you out of his own free will and not being pressured. You just have to have some faith in your feelings for each other. You obviously do care for one another. Just try to be happy for him. Give him encouragement. You might find that he will soon do the same for you. Hang in there! 1
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 I think that is the wisest thing to do for now. It is like a little dance. You will get the hang of it. When you step back, you are giving him the opportunity to come to you out of his own free will and not being pressured. You just have to have some faith in your feelings for each other. You obviously do care for one another. Just try to be happy for him. Give him encouragement. You might find that he will soon do the same for you. Hang in there! Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Will you keep up with this tread if I keep posting in it with updates as NC goes on? And how can I give him encouragement if I'm letting him come to me?
lil hoodlum Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Will you keep up with this tread if I keep posting in it with updates as NC goes on? And how can I give him encouragement if I'm letting him come to me? Sure, I will keep up with this thread. I am not a relationship expert or I wouldn't be on here with my own issues though! lol However, I have learned a few things is my time. Obviously the way most people learn things is by making mistakes. You will make mistakes but just pick yourself up and don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, we are all human. I tend to think that some of the posters here on LS are a little jaded about love and relationships. Just try to be true to yourself and treat others how you would like to be treated. Of course in saying that sometimes people don't want to be treated the way you want to be treated so you just have to "wing it" sometimes. The encouragement part is just taking a geniune interest in him and what he thinks is important. You would just basically giving him ego boosts about himself. But don't encourage him if he is doing some behavior that will gravely affect the relationship like drug use or cheating. In this instance you might have just said you think that it is great that he can spend time with some friends who care about him. You have to have some balance though. Don't go overboard with encouragement but try to be geniune about it. A little sweetness will go a long ways. Ultimetly you want a relationship where the both of you will mutally fullfill each other and that both people will feel positive about themselves and each other. Easier said than done though I know. Just be hopeful about the future that the two of you are building for each other. Be loving and you will be easier to love. That is good, right? Don't let this one episode set you back. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and learn from your mistakes. You can do it! Edited August 3, 2012 by lil hoodlum spelling
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Sure, I will keep up with this thread. I am not a relationship expert or I wouldn't be on here with my own issues though! lol However, I have learned a few things is my time. Obviously the way most people learn things is by making mistakes. You will make mistakes but just pick yourself up and don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, we are all human. I tend to think that some of the posters here on LS are a little jaded about love and relationships. Just try to be true to yourself and treat others how you would like to be treated. Of course in saying that sometimes people don't want to be treated the way you want to be treated so you just have to "wing it" sometimes. The encouragement part is just taking a geniune interest in him and what he thinks is important. You would just basically giving him ego boosts about himself. But don't encourage him if he is doing some behavior that will gravely affect the relationship like drug use or cheating. In this instance you might have just said you think that it is great that he can spend time with some friends who care about him. You have to have some balance though. Don't go overboard with encouragement but try to be geniune about it. A little sweetness will go a long ways. Ultimetly you want a relationship where the both of you will mutally fullfill each other and that both people will feel positive about themselves and each other. Easier said than done though I know. Just be hopeful about the future that the two of you are building for each other. Be loving and you will be easier to love. That is good, right? Don't let this one episode set you back. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and learn from your mistakes. You can do it! I've been beating myself up over this whole thing honestly. I feel so guilty and blame myself for everything, even though he has done some things. I have genuinely tried to work things out and he hasn't put forth the effort I need him to in order to feel comfortable, so thats where things are off, thats when I get upset, and I know I shouldn't act on those emotions as much, but i'm getting better. I just think it was best of me to point it out that if he cant see me, we cant work out. I mean really how can that work? I'm not about to get strung along. Where you say that I hope he had a good time with his friends, are you thinking that I should send a small text maybe in a couple days, just a short, sweet message, but not overboard on the sweet?
The dot Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 Where you say that I hope he had a good time with his friends, are you thinking that I should send a small text maybe in a couple days, just a short, sweet message, but not overboard on the sweet? I think your previous idea of waiting for him to contact you is a far better idea. Contacting him now won't help either of you. 1
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 I think your previous idea of waiting for him to contact you is a far better idea. Contacting him now won't help either of you. Thanks for the input. I'll toughen it out and wait for him to come to me In the mean time I might be needing loveshack to get me through that!
lil hoodlum Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 I've been beating myself up over this whole thing honestly. I feel so guilty and blame myself for everything, even though he has done some things. I have genuinely tried to work things out and he hasn't put forth the effort I need him to in order to feel comfortable, so thats where things are off, thats when I get upset, and I know I shouldn't act on those emotions as much, but i'm getting better. I just think it was best of me to point it out that if he cant see me, we cant work out. I mean really how can that work? I'm not about to get strung along. Where you say that I hope he had a good time with his friends, are you thinking that I should send a small text maybe in a couple days, just a short, sweet message, but not overboard on the sweet? No don't bother with the text. You might apologize later if you feel like it. What happened has happened. Just let it go. Learn from your mistake. The next time like this comes up just take a few moments to think about what you want to say. It's easy to say hurtful things when we feel threatened of angry about a situation. I agree, he should be putting in some effort into the relationship. Don't go overboard with your efforts either. Ideally the two of you should be building this together. Sometimes people will work at their own pace. If you are needing him to pick up the pace though using some encouragement about what he has done so far is an excellent idea. I don't know you but it is easy to get angry and frustrated about a situation though. That is when it is a good time to just step back for a moment and not say something out of anger or hurt that you might later regret. 1
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 No don't bother with the text. You might apologize later if you feel like it. What happened has happened. Just let it go. Learn from your mistake. The next time like this comes up just take a few moments to think about what you want to say. It's easy to say hurtful things when we feel threatened of angry about a situation. I agree, he should be putting in some effort into the relationship. Don't go overboard with your efforts either. Ideally the two of you should be building this together. Sometimes people will work at their own pace. If you are needing him to pick up the pace though using some encouragement about what he has done so far is an excellent idea. I don't know you but it is easy to get angry and frustrated about a situation though. That is when it is a good time to just step back for a moment and not say something out of anger or hurt that you might later regret. If I absolutely can't fight the urge to talk to him, or if he contacts me, I'll tell him that I did take notice and appreciate him initiating contact with me more frequently. And yeah it was very hard that night, he was yelling at me on the phone and I felt like that wasn't how a boyfriend should talk, saying I can't come over, he doesn't want to see me, all which led me to say those dreadful words. Anyways dont want to think about that night. I'm glad I finally made the decision to step back and breathe, and see how he takes it.
Author livelife Posted August 3, 2012 Author Posted August 3, 2012 Find out he went home with a girl last night. it's safe to say i'm never speaking to him again. Not a goodbye letter, nothing.
JasonRules Posted August 3, 2012 Posted August 3, 2012 "I'm the dumper and I regret it instantly and tried to fix things literally 20 minutes after the breakup." There's nothing sexier than a stable woman like yourself who knows what she wants...
Author livelife Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 "I'm the dumper and I regret it instantly and tried to fix things literally 20 minutes after the breakup." There's nothing sexier than a stable woman like yourself who knows what she wants... Well, theres nothing better than a guy who keeps you on a back burner either he shouldn't sit here and tell me we're working on things and not ever see me and just go hook up with girls. NOW i'm done for good.
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