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I'm an idiot, had a roller coaster day, but broke NC


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Posted

I'm sorry I let those of you who were surprised and proud of me for taking a stand on Friday ... Got my necklace back instead of waiting til Sunday as he suggested... I was breaking down all day today. Posted a few times, and eventually forced myself to go to the barn. On the way there something hit me ( and it was probably driving my car, I love my car) and I had a second moment of strength, much like Friday, and sent the following message to a girlfriend of mine: "enough suffering. I think I'm gonna take a week off to put myself back together, work out, ride my horse like I use to, clean my house and maybe a little redecorating, get hair done, start going out ..."

 

It seemed a very logical step to take to getting myself together, and my boss has really been pressuring me to take vacation time. I got to the barn, rode my horse whom I have mentioned is an SOB usually... Only horse that I've ever ridden with such a horrid disposition, but anyway, we had an amazing ride, so much so that a fellow rider talked me into going to a show with her on Saturday. Mind u I have not been to the barn in forever... And I was unaware that I was going to be met with a "burial service" of a horse that had just broken it's leg and had to be put down. Now emotions are running high with us 8 women over a grave with wine and all blubbering and eventually things turned to me, my breakup, asking how I was and why I hadn't been around and all that strength I felt on the way to the barn was wisped away in a single fleeting moment and the tears poured down my face. After some talking and uplifting speeches from my friends, my barnmates, we all parted for home

 

Somewhere in that trip home I cried, listened to a sang out "Run" covered by Catherine McPhee. Got home, tried settling in, tried working, got in bed, and around 11pm texted the ex: "I miss us, but I guess that will get easier with time, nite." I dont know what I was thinking, maybe it was a passive barely aggressive attempt at saying yea, I miss us, but I'm looking forward in time when I don't miss us and this is easier.... I certainly didn't expect a response, which I got 10 minutes later saying "I miss you too. I hope you and puppy sleep tight - good night."

 

 

Of course my head is yelling at myself for reaching out, a small part of me is trying to find meaning in what he said or why he even texted back, but a MUCH larger part of me is stopping that wishful part of me, and telling it "this is just a text, it's just a response, it bares no meaning, so don't waste the energy trying to squeeze blood from this stone, forget it, and go to sleep."

 

I did fine for days, and even had that moment of strength, and put in my request for time off so I wasn't just lying to myself... But then... I backslid ... Why would I do that to myself... And gosh why wasn't he smart enough to not text me back... To pretend I didn't send it.

 

I guess the good news is I have committed myself to go outside, to this horse show Saturday... And try to take time off to get myself back in a routine of activity over the next week.

 

I just feel dumb and confused why I texted and broke NC, and why he texted back.

Posted (edited)

Thats a bummer. Sounds like you took some steps forward today by going out to the barn and agreeing to go to that show and thinking of taking some time off. The breaking nc only sucks because you lose some of the momentum you gained by putting your foot down on Friday and getting your stuff back. I tried warn you that if you broke contact first he would know that Friday was just a fluke where you mustered up some self respect for a few minutes and now i fear that's what he thinks. Of course he answered, you showed him a weak spot. But yes what's done is done try to just continue on with your plans to take some time off and reboot.

 

I was going to reply to your earlier thread about having a rough day and making a doctors appointment by saying its really a shame that you feel there are reasons you can't go to therapy. Because just surviving this ordeal is only part of the picture. You will feel better some day and for the time being you can just focus on attacking the symptoms with medications, but at some point it would really benefit you to understand the causes that got you here in the first place. Much like how many people criticize the modern medical and pharmaceutical industries for just treating symptoms and never educating patients about the causes of illness. There is something going on beneath the surface here for such a successful well put together woman to become so distraught by the end of a relationship that she herself described as being far from ideal. You can try to just Get over it without figuring out the deeper issues but that leaves you vulnerable for it to happen again some day.

Edited by Exit
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