blue_jay_bird Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) So my of boyfriend of 7 years dumped me, his main reason; he can't see himself getting married to me. Question: what is all this stuff about not feeling like she's the one. Like men have a switch, that say it's time to settle down, and the first girl they fall in love with turn's in to THE ONE. And it seems like its only men that deal with not sure she's the one crap. I need some some to explain why people can spend so long with someone and then say well...she's not the one. To me i need more then, i just don't have that special feeling where i just know she's the one. I need cold hard facts. I'm so confused. And it's not like i want to ever marry someone that is not sure im the one. But i feel like that special something that make's you sure she's THE ONE. Is bull****. Bull**** men tell themselves because they are not ready for dealing with a real relationship, Bull****, because saying "well i just don't feel that she's THE ONE", make's it easy for them to run for the hills. It's something they tell themselves, so they don't have to deal with the real reasons she's not THE ONE. Edited August 2, 2012 by blue_jay_bird
Occu3.14'd Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 So my of boyfriend of 7 years dumped me, his main reason; he can't see himself getting married to me. Question: what is all this stuff about not feeling like she's the one. Like men have a switch, that say it's time to settle down, and the first girl they fall in love with turn's in to THE ONE. And it seems like its only men that deal with not sure she's the one crap. I need some some to explain why people can spend so long with someone and then say well...she's not the one. To me i need more then, i just don't have that special feeling where i just know she's the one. I need cold hard facts. I'm so confused. And it's not like i want to ever marry someone that is not sure im the one. But i feel like that special something that make's you sure she's THE ONE. Is bull****. Bull**** men tell themselves because they are not ready for dealing with a real relationship, Bull****, because saying "well i just don't feel that she's THE ONE", make's it easy for them to run for the hills. It's something they tell themselves, so they don't have to deal with the real reasons she's not THE ONE. If you asked me this a year ago, I'd agree with you that it's crap. I had three different long term relationships throughout my 20's/early 30's. In each one of them, the woman was amazing, had lots of great qualities, and on paper, looked like a wonderful person to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, none of them was "the one." I couldn't really explain why - it's just that something was missing (which I now realize was love). After these three "failures" so to speak, I was resigned to the fact that maybe I was expecting too much. Maybe it was me that just couldn't realize how wonderful any of these relationships could have been. Maybe I was in love and I didn't even know it. So I came to terms with the fact that I would probably have to one day make something like this work if I were ever to find the "one." In other words, settle. And then I began a relationship with my current ex. It didn't take long for me to realize that there was something different about her. I had NEVER felt that way about any other woman. And then it just dawned on me - I had actually fallen in love. I finally knew what it was like. (Which is further reinforced by just how ****ty I feel now that we're broken up - I never cared when any other relationship ended, but this time I do - so so much) So when someone says that they don't think she's the one... she isn't 1
Author blue_jay_bird Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) It just hurts so much to know he never loved me. He told me all the time he did. This is just so **** up. I just can't lose him, he's my one. Why can't he just tell me, he dose not love me. I need to talk to him i need him to say he doesn't love me. Edited August 2, 2012 by blue_jay_bird
norajane Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Bull**** men tell themselves because they are not ready for dealing with a real relationship, A lasting, forever relationship requires work. A lot of work and compromise and communication and a whole lot of other things to last a lifetime. When a guy says a woman isn't the one, it means he knows that he doesn't want to do the work to last a lifetime with her.
norajane Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 It just hurts so much to know he never loved me. He told me all the time he did. This is just so **** up. I just can't lose him, he's my one. Why can't he just tell me, he dose not love me. I need to talk to him i need him to say he doesn't love me. He probably does love you. But love isn't enough; it's not all that is needed for a forever relationship. It's not.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) So he never loved me. 7 year's of lie's. Him hoping one day "i will feel it." If i just talk to him, to rip my heart out again, will it help healing, cause ... i am not healing. Edited August 2, 2012 by blue_jay_bird
Occu3.14'd Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 So he never loved me. 7 year's of lie's. Him hoping one day "i will feel it." If i just talk to him, to rip my heart out again, will it help healing, cause ... i am not healing. Blue Jay. I just explained to you how it was for me. But everyone is different. He very well could be in love with you (and probably is), but if he isn't willing to put in the effort, then what does it matter anyway?
norajane Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 It takes a long time to heal from a break-up of a 7 year relationship. I walked away from a 6 year relationship when I was younger, and even though I walked away, and I knew that was the right thing to do, it was still hard for a long time. Don't be too hard on yourself. You will need time to grieve and to heal. But you will!! You absolutely will!
Occu3.14'd Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Also Blue Jay, Just based on the number of people that visit these forums, there must be plenty of other people out there who are willing to put in the effort. Lots of caring, loving, people show up here with one thing in common - broken hearts. But there are also lots of people that make it through to the other side and are better for it. I know, I can try to give great advice, but if you look at my threads, you'll see that I'm a disaster as well.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) It takes a long time to heal from a break-up of a 7 year relationship. I walked away from a 6 year relationship when I was younger, and even though I walked away, and I knew that was the right thing to do, it was still hard for a long time. Don't be too hard on yourself. You will need time to grieve and to heal. But you will!! You absolutely will! When you walked away did you at lest try to work things with her. Did you talk about these feelings. How can someone be so cold. And just say goodbye, with the one line, "your just not the one." I just pretend he's passed away, to get thought the days. i'm so sad. Edited August 2, 2012 by blue_jay_bird
norajane Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 When you walked away did you at lest try to work things with her. Did you talk about these feelings. How can someone be so cold. And just say goodbye, with the one line, "your just not the one." I just pretend he's passed away, to get thought the days. i'm so sad. I did try to talk with him before I left. And after. But talking wasn't going to change how I actually felt. I couldn't explain it any better to him than "we're really not right for each other". Which we weren't, and there were many reasons for it, but that's what it boiled down to. That's probably what your ex thought, too. There were probably a lot of things that added up to "not the one" and he didn't see the point of discussing it in depth because it would hurt you more to list out all the reasons why and it wouldn't change how he felt. In his way, he was trying to be kind. He didn't want to waste any more of your life waiting for him when he knew he didn't want to take it any further.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 the sad thing is i will give him a second chance if he comes back. I know its bad to compare, but my brother broke up with his now wife three time's before he married her. He would say thing's like "i can't see her being the mother of my children." Two year's later they are expecting their first born, and are so happy. After that happens in your family, you begin to wonder the validity of this "The ONE". concept
Floored Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 So he never loved me. 7 year's of lie's. Him hoping one day "i will feel it." I got the "I love you I'm just not in love with you" line about two hours after moving my ex into her apartment four hours away, weeks before I was going to propose to her, and I'd been dying to for a year. My brain has had trouble wrapping itself around that concept- if she didn't love me, then what were all those years about? Did they really happen like I remember? Was she lying the whole time? I think she loved me and she was definitely thinking about me in the long run, but then something just switched off. She quit caring about meeting me halfway on many things, and started doing reckless things against my wishes. She quit trying for the relationship, so it was doomed to sink even though I tried to hold it together. Love is not an emotion of passive response, it comes from repeated actions every day of meeting the needs of someone else. I at least hold to that, that she fell out of love with me because she quit caring. Isn't that what these forums are about, rationalizing and processing our doubts and confusion? Perhaps your ex just lost that motivation to love. Don't tell yourself that they were lies, you'll drive yourself crazy running in mental circles. The promising point here is that of the two of you, you had that capacity to love once, so moreso will you love again. Stupid to think about, and I hate telling myself this too, but it's true.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 The promising point here is that of the two of you, you had that capacity to love once, so moreso will you love again. Stupid to think about, and I hate telling myself this too, but it's true. I really like this advise, i thank you. It give's me hope. In the right direction. I can fall in love again, sometimes it's easy to forget.
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