On the fence... need input

[Desert42]

The past 2 years I've had a leave of my senses.... started shortly after my 2 kids moved out of the house and my H and I found after 25 years we had little left in common. Long story short I went looking for an A with a MM, and yep I found one, well actually more than one.

 

First one was a quick encounter that didn't last more than 2 dates, followed by meeting someone that was everything I thought I was looking for. I purposely didn't want anybody from my town as I've lived here all my life and run into people I know everywhere. MM lives in a neighboring state and we both travel frequently on business. After emailing & calling daily for a month plus, I happened to be in MM's town on business and we connected. It was sparks and electricity from the minute we saw each other. After that we kept up the daily communication and would arrange to fly somewhere together at least once a month for a 1 or 2 day retreat together. We both seem to fall hard. 8 months later his M hit the skids, even though MM's W never found out. I cared enough about MM that I didn't want our A to come to light and create additional pain on his D. I told MM it was time to end the A and walked away requesting NC.

 

It's been 4 months with complete NC, and while it hurt like hell I've excepted that I deserved having to deal with my grief in silence. As no one, not even my BF knew about the A. During this same time I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I went down the road of an A, and what I was missing in M that led me there. I've now invested my energy in working to build those things in my M with my H. It helps that during the past year during the A I started caring more about my appearance lost 40 lbs, and started working out. H has noticed and is now more attentive, interested in rekindling romance, and wanting to do things together. I've made a point to find new activities and adventures that H and I are doing together.

 

I don't think my H has any clue about the A, and seems to be really happy now that we have found and are continuing to rebuild our life together.

 

What I need help with is whether I should own up to the A. I have dealt with it and do not feel the need to unburden about it to make myself feel better, less guilty, etc. Because my career requires me to travel I am very afraid that while I have no intention of ever straying again, if H knows about past transgressions he will have doubts about every business trip I take (several per month), and that it would end up ripping us apart. I think as long as I remain on track, H is happy and our M getting stronger that I am comfortable living with the secret. Is this wrong though? What should I do?

[Desert42]

I agree that my actions were born out of boredom combined with an overall lack of passion and weariness of nothing left to share. It was definitely not always that way. We waited to have kids because we were selfishly busy being engaged with each other that we didn't want to share ourselves.

 

As far as why it was that I strayed versus my H is probably partially due to our personalities. I have always been the outgoing, active, try new kinds of things type of person. My H on the other hand is the quiet, extremely laid back mellow type of homebody. I have always suspected that H had a one time thing with a close friend 10+ years ago when I was on a business trip. I never directly asked because I didn't want to know, and the friend who suddenly was always uncomfortable around me moved out of state Out of the blue.

 

When I realized how stupid I was being and what I stood to lose, was when I shifted and started putting the effort into my M. Since I've been making the effort to do all the little things, so is my H. We've started hiking together on weekends again, meet for romantic dinners after work, play ping pong, and other things we haven't done in many years. As usual I've been the one leading but at least he's been willing (which hadn't been the case before).

 

If he were ever to ask me I would be honest about the A. And I'm not ruling out telling him. I just feel like we are really building a strong bond to last us into the next 25 years. If I wait at least until we have a solid foundation under us that our M will be more likely to survive. It would also allow me to show him that I really do get that I've scr###d up and that I'm serious about making amends.

 

As far as why my MM's M failed I dont know and am not sure I care. Part of my healing process involved letting go of everything to do with him. I don't want to spend any energy on the A, my focus now is solely on my H where it should be.

 

I'm just trying to figure out what is best for my H and our M.

[Freckas]

I know everyone hates a liar, and omission is still a lie, but to answer your question. In your specific case, i believe you both cheated.

 

ask him. but he will ask you.

 

some people have been quoted saying " i dont want to know" and some would want to know, which type are you? which type is he?

 

is there a hypothetical friend that has a hypothetical situation close to yours, that you could ask him what he would advise? as in asking him what he would do in the situation about your "friend" or disguising your problem as a friends problem, and asking his advise....

 

It seems kind of late to confess, is what im thinking he will say.

 

timing is all wrong.

Sorry no good advice here, but the ironic thing is, he had no clue you strayed.

IF he had no clue you had A, maybe he was too busy with hiding one too?

who's to say he didn't stray himself?

[Ms. Red]

What should I do?

 

Take it to the grave. You are back on track now and heading towards a better marriage. Enjoy your husband.

[woinlove]

It sounds like you may have a low need for closeness and intimacy in that you preferred to have whatever kind of M you had rather than knowing your H fully when you suspected an A. Perhaps your H is like that too. I've never seen an example of a happy, fulfilling M sustained over the years with such continuing deception, but someone on the infidelity said they had and the person was really good at compartmentalizing and blocking off that part of them from the M. If you think both your and your H are happy without deep intimacy in your M, then maybe it would work for you. Personally, I would not want an M where I could not be completely open with my H, letting him see me as I truly am, and him with me.

 

If you seeking out other men was mainly for sex, fun and companionship and not for intimacy and sharing and discovering one another, then maybe you can replicate the sex, fun and companionship in your M while keeping that part of your marriage secret. Your H may be doing the same if you have gauged him correctly.

 

If you do open up, you risk divorce. My H is the love of my life and divorce would break my heart, but I would rather risk divorce than maintain a M with him while holding onto such deception - both for him and for myself, since we value openness and honesty with each other very much. You have to figure out what kind of M you want, what kind of person you want to be, and how to get there.

[road]

The truth needs to be told to your BH and the OMW.

 

You were selfish to have an affair instead of losing 40lbs for BH you lost it for the OM. Now you don't want to tell about the affair because you know that your BH will not trust you to take any more busisness trips.

 

You refused to lose weight for your BH.

Refuse to tell the truth fearing you would have to give up your job.

 

All you think do and say is me me me me me me.

[cmc133]

In the book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Mind of People in Two Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum, the author recommends against confessing to the spouse. She's done a lot of research into affairs and the aftereffects.

 

I'm no expert, but it seems that she is. It sounds like things are good with your husband right now. You don't seem to want confirmation of what happened with your husband and friend years ago, maybe he feels the same way about you.

[woinlove]

In the book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Mind of People in Two Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum, the author recommends against confessing to the spouse. She's done a lot of research into affairs and the aftereffects.

 

I'm no expert, but it seems that she is. It sounds like things are good with your husband right now. You don't seem to want confirmation of what happened with your husband and friend years ago, maybe he feels the same way about you.

 

She gave different advice in another book about trust. I think you have to keep in mind who the main audience is she is targeting each book to. The one you mention was mainly targeted to people who have affairs, while the trust book was targeted to people who have difficulty with trust. Again, I think the key is that each individual think about what kind of person they want to be, how they want to treat others, and what kind of marriage they aspire to have.

[jwi71]

Ultimately, it's up to you.

 

Given what you say OP, my lean is to not tell.

 

However, there is a price to pay for not telling. What do you think that is?

 

And clearly there is a price to pay for telling.

 

Your life, your choice, your consequence.

[BetrayedH]

You will find people in both camps. Interestingly enough, it is usually OM/OW/WS that support taking it to the grave and BS's that support disclosure. The Infidelity section has far more BSs and I think you would get different feedback there than what you have received here. For what it is worth, I am a BS so I suppose you can assume my bias.

 

First, while I abhor affairs and the pain that they bring to just about everyone, I absolutely applaud your efforts to go NC with the OM (it sounds like you are truly disentangled) and more recently to truly reinvest and invigorate your marriage. Truly. I think you have taken many of the first steps to restoring your marriage.

 

But (you saw that coming, right?) disclosing your affair to your husband is truly the next step. You are rebuilding an intimate marriage and that is all a facade when one of the partners is committed to you, thinking that you are still on the pedestal where he has always seen you. It's really just unfair and makes it difficult to reconnect because there is actually a mountain-sized wall (a lie that hits the foundation of your vows) between you.

 

You've taken fantastic strides towards living an authentic life and you are seeing the benefits of those efforts. Don't stop. Keep going. Will your husband be hurt to find out you're off the pedestal? Sure. You never belonged up there anyway and I suspect you're ready to come down (or you wouldn't be here). If you truly want to spend the rest of your life with this man, don't keep him in the dark. Truth be told, he loves you warts and all. Give him the chance to forgive you and when you have made it through this crisis together, you can KNOW that you're both there because you want to be there and that if you can make it through this, you can make it through anything. If he had his own affair, this your chance to forgive him as well. Then you really have a foundation of honesty to build upon. You will get a lot of credit for disclosing an affair that would never have been discovered on its own.

 

My $.02 anyway.

 

Good luck to you.

[Desert42]

It sounds like you may have a low need for closeness and intimacy in that you preferred to have whatever kind of M you had rather than knowing your H fully when you suspected an A. Perhaps your H is like that too.

 

Actually no, years ago when I found a hairclip in my bathroom and found out who it belonged to, I did think about getting confirmation of what happened. What I realized was that I loved my H enough that it didn’t matter whether he had or hadn’t had an A. I loved him enough to accept anything and didn’t want to lose him or risk a D day. The friend suddenly moved out town and broke all contact. I was willing to forgive and moved on to made changes including taking a significant demotion in my career to reduce travel and spend more time at home. H knew I had questions going on in my mind but never volunteered any info, but did become very devoted to me and the kids, and did a number of things that renewed my ability to trust him.

 

 

You were selfish to have an affair instead of losing 40lbs for BH you lost it for the OM.

 

I lost part of the weight before the A, while H made no attempts to maintain himself. But it was also part of a bigger picture. Juggling 2 careers, 2 children and running a business will suck the life out of most people. As the years waned on, I tried to repeatedly re-engage H but he wasn’t interested. We both put on weight, but I continued to be active, him less so. The last few years the kids were at home, it was impossible to get H off the sofa, so the kids and I went hiking, camping, skiing, traveled, and did things. After the kids moved out I was very alone. Efforts were made again after the kids were gone to restore the intimacy we had had years ago, but H was now in a new business venture that was tying up all his time, and he gave no signs of interest.

 

I decided I wasn’t going to sit in the corner and go crazy so I began doing the things we / I had always done only by myself. I found I missed having anyone to share things with and having an emotional connection to another person so I sought it out. It was after I lost weight, got healthy, was being active doing lots of fun things that H woke up and realized he missed it too. It was H coming around combined with OMM’s impending D that made me decide to end the A, and work on rebuilding intimacy with H. H has now lost 20 lbs, and willing to leave the sofa which I am taking a sign that he's now willing to work on the missing pieces.

[2sure]

To tell or not. Always makes me feel so conflicted when it comes up.

 

I would be inclined to do what others have said and take it to the grave. Especially since you have not only stopped, but learned that what you really want is to work on your marriage...And having success.

 

But then, the conflict. Why should a person not be made aware of the realities and facts that make up the biggest part of their life? How can this kind of important information be kept from someone navigating a life..just like all of us.

 

And the part I have a real hard time with. Not telling your spouse is a result of your not wanting to further damage the marriage, wanting to protect your spouse from the pain . But...you caused the injury. You should not get to decide For him..when you hurt him and when you dont.

[onthefence210]

It is likely your H was as bored as you were with the marriage.

 

You decided to be unfaithful because of boredom. Somehow it seems he did not take that path even though you were 40 lbs overweight.

 

You need to seek IC and figure out why you cheated and how come your H did not cheat. The marriage was boring both ways, but somehow you were the one that strayed.

 

Why did you stray?

 

If you had put all the energy on your H he would have responded very positively.

 

Do you know why the marriage of MM went bad after the affair started? Do you have any clues?

 

Have you ever been emotionally close to your H?

 

Think about it. Were you ever emotionally bonded to your H?

 

 

The question: have u ever been emotionally close to your H? Sparked my interest. Why do u ask? Not to go off topic or thread jack but im curious to see how this fits into her A? I understand it gets lost in a M when there is an A, but how does it relate to confession or not? Not questioning ur thoughts, just trying to understand, in my own situation without Coming across ignorant. (which I have been in the past)

[onthefence210]

I am not sure honestly. The only time I had emotional intimacy with my H was when he was drunk and then I'd have to remind him of what he said the next day. I just ask only because I stopped being honest in my M when he took my honesty and beat me with it. If I said what I felt, and it wasn't what he wanted to hear, my stability was held ransom. I stopped looking to him to get what I needed, not even truly knowing what that was, but finding out it was emotional intimacy. The only denial I was in was that staying for the sake of the kids was better then divorce and my H married me for convenience. Again...ignorance.

 

I have talked a lot about this very important subject with my H in MC and independently with my IC, and it's just amazing how we stayed married for 18 yrs without it. It's why I'm leaving my M...now that I'm not so ignorant.

My H just is one of those guys who has no emotional depth and completely unaware of his feelings. Happiness to him is having sex...problem solved. But no excuse for my behavior...just wanted to make that clear .

 

Thanks for ur insight