elisee8d Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I'll try to make this as short as I possibly can - My boyfriend and I have been together for just under two years. I'm 18, he's 17. In the beginning of our relationship, he always was putting his friends first, seeing them a lot more than he was seeing me. We had a talk about it, and things got better.. he started including me when he would see his friends, they became my friends, etc etc. Eventually, that changed into us wanting to be alone together all of the time.. his friends and him had a fall out, and he stopped talking to most of them. I still had my friends, but I hardly ever saw them because I always preferred to be with him, which they didn't mind very much because they all have their own lives and jobs that they're busy with.. anyway, my boyfriend and I basically hung out every day for a year, up until about two months ago. He has anger issues, and I'm very insecure. Whenever I would be upset or worried about something and wanted to talk, he would flip out and take it as me picking at him and wouldn't listen to me. This would leave me even more upset and stressed out, and with him angry with me.. as a result, we just stopped communicating properly altogether and nothing would ever get resolved, and we stupidly continued hanging out all of the time. So two months ago, I got so fed up with it, started seriously considering breaking up, and decided we needed to take a decently long break so I could figure out what I wanted to do. In this time, I started talking to someone that I actually really liked. My boyfriend and I stopped talking for that month, and he made a new group of friends that he started hanging out with all the time, joined a gym, and was trying to deal with the fact that he had lost me. Eventually, I realized that I really missed and loved him and was willing to try and make us work again. I cut off contact with the other guy, and him and I started talking again. We both decided that we would take things slow and really try and do things right this time. However, now, the problem is that I'm left feeling like I don't matter as much to him as I used to.. I was so used to seeing him every day, being his whole world, and having him want to spend all of his time with me, that it really actually hurts me when he tells me he's going to his new friends house, or made plans with them when I wanted to do something with him. I'm not used to having to share his time with anyone else, and I feel like I'm the only one who still wants to hang out as much as we used to. He said he's trying to balance out me and his friends, but I just feel like that shouldn't be so important to him since he's only known them for two months.. I'm sure this sounds incredibly selfish, but I really can't help feeling like this. I just want things to go back to how they were.. I was so used to him being around all the time, and now that he's not, I find myself just waiting around and wanting time to go by quicker on the days that I don't see him so that the next time I do will get here sooner. I've tried talking to him about how I feel a couple of times, and he says he understands and that I'll always come first, that he just wants to balance time with me and time with his friends out, and that it's not good for us to hang out every day. Which is true and which is fine, but he's in denial about most of our major relationship issues being because of him and his attitude.. he blames it all on us being together all the time. I understand how that could contribute, but it's not wholly to blame. In my experience, when people are in committed, serious relationships, they tend to want to spend all or most of their free time together. My friends are the same way with their significant others. But now, he'll go to school in the morning, then to the gym with one of his friends, and then to work, and then back to hang out with them. It feels like I'm the one always trying to initiate plans to hang out, and I hate it. Especially because I've never had to try and MAKE plans with him before, since in the past we both just knew that we'd be seeing each other every day at the same time, and that neither of us had something else to do, and if we did, we'd let the other know when we found out about it that we wouldn't be seeing each other that day. It just makes me feel like he has a whole life that's separate from his life with me now, like he's trying to make room for ME in his life now, whereas just two months ago, it was that I was his whole life and everything else came second. We had the same general group of friends for such a long time, then it was just me and him, and now it's him and his friends and me by myself and me and him a couple of times a week. I'm aware a few times a week is probably normal for most couples to see each other, but for us, it was every single day that we would hang out.. and I want that back. I hate when he tells me he's going to see his friends, it actually makes me sort of mad at him. I guess because I always want to see him, but he doesn't want that.. I feel like I still would put him first and pick him over anything, and it's not the same anymore for him. It just sucks knowing that when he's not at work or at school, he's choosing to spend his time with anyone other than me. I mean, my friends ask me to hang out, but I'd still rather be with him. He used to be the same way, and it's really hard for me to adjust to this. I don't even know what to do, I'd just really appreciate some advice or opinions on this whole situation.
Bobibble Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Notice that you want to go back to the way things were that ended up driving you to almost losing him. Why do you want to go back to seeing him everyday when that drove you two to constantly argue and end up taking a break? I will tell you this much I am exactly how you are, insecure and want to see my bf all the time, and after a year of our relationship, that is what drove us to our current break, and I have learned that you need to be independent and find things to do that you love so you become "unavailable" at times. Trust me, guys LOVE that chase, my bf even told me once. When you have plans with friends and your bf asks you if you want to hang out, DO NOT cancel plans with your friends, tell your bf you have plans with friends and you'll see him tomorrow. You will gain much more confidence and control over the relationship and your bf will at the same time be more excited to see you. I think this second time around for you, you need to walk away from how your relationship was before. I understand it is normal to want to go back to a pattern that you were used to and it was all you knew, but stepping back and realizing that that same pattern was what caused you to initially break should make you want to change it. Your bf is doing the right thing in not making you his whole life, you should do the same with him.
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