Fiance Slept with Another man

[Natural191]

Hi,

I dated a woman who I loved with all of my heart for 3 years. I moved out of the city I was living in to be closer to her and have supported her for with everything for this period of time. After 3 years we had many differences and broke up for a brief period of time. We got back together within a few months after some time apart and everything was going great. So great that we got engaged several months later. It has been 3 months into our engagement and she had partially moved her belongings into my house and we were set to finish within the next few weeks.

Within the last few months she has changed her job which is commission based and in order to support herself picked up a bartending gig at a night club. Within the last few weeks all while everything was going great between us, I noticed she had been spending time with a lot of co workers, one guy in particular who works at the night club and she has mentioned to me casually in conversation. I am not a jealous person and I am very trusting so I really didn’t think much of it.

Just recently on her day off I was home because I had work the next morning I had been sending texts to her back and forth and she had gone out to dinner with some people from work. She likes to drink and go out late fairly more than I do but it really doesn’t bother me. We both texted each other telling each other we missed each other and wished we were together sharing drinks etc.. I even asked her if she wanted to come home to me (she usually sleeps at her place on this evening) because I felt like something was off beat. She implied that she would but basically dodged it without saying yes. Roughly 30 minutes before the bar closed she texted me saying who she was with and where she was and then 30 minutes later texted me saying she was Home, good night, and I love you – I knew something was wrong at that point because she lives 45 minutes away from where she was minimum and she usually takes longer. After a moral battle within myself at 3:15 AM I drove an hour to her house to see that her car was not there. I called her twice and she did not answer. I spent the next 4 hours driving the streets of the city to look for her car which I of course never found in the area I suspected she was in because I wanted to catch her in the act. I know she had been out drinking heavily with her co workers. The next morning she sends me a text saying good morning, have a great day, she loves me. I ask her why she didn’t come over last night. She said because she had to go home and get a good sleep for work the next day. Caught red handed, I ask her if shes cheating on me, she says no, why am I acting like this, I put more pressure and get angier, I tell her I am not asking her I am telling her that I know she is. Eventually she caves and says she is going to be honest – she did – she slept with the person I thought she did; while drunk (an excuse) – some of the pictures I have seen from that evening of her taking shots, she is still wearing her engagement ring not that it matters in the least, in fact it might even make it worse - she is so sorry she loves me more than anything, feels lower than human. I call her and after a furious hour of anger, crying, screaming and yelling I tell her our engagement is over, I want her things out and I want my ring back. How could she do this to me? She clearly has no respect for me

The last 48 hours I have not slept or eaten, work has been a nightmare and I live alone and I am feeling worse and worse about the situation. I loved her with all of my heart – I do not want to tell my friends, my family, or my employers as I am too embarrassed. The irony of this situation is that she was engaged to another man years ago who cheated on her, and she at the drop of a hat picked up and left never to speak to him again after an 8 year relationship- now here she is doing the same thing to me. Within the last 48 hours it has been nothing but calls and texts begging me not to end it, stating we are meant for each other, that she loves me more than life, that she couldn’t live without me, that she is human and made a stupid mistake. She says it only happened once but at this point all I can do is picture the worst case scenario in both aspects of this. 1. That it has happened several times before, or possibly not sex but other things the previous times. 2. I continue to picture the sexual act in my head over and over again, although I did not witness it, I have seen pictures of the guy she did it with and I continue to picture the relations she had with me, being preformed with the other guy. Them kissing in the cab, them getting back to his place, them doing all of the things that we would do while sparing the details.The sacredness of it just kills me. It makes me feel dirty and sick to my stomach. I think this is the worst part. That and the fact that she lied to me.

She says she has no idea why she did it and is pleading me to work it out and move in with me, to start our lives together, to forgive her, to let her make it up to me, she says she would do anything, she cant lose me, she loves me more than life and if I leave her will have to deal with this the rest of her life. She says she needs to look at herself and change. She said she could have just told me that she slept over his house and nothing happened, and she probably could have and maybe I would have rationalized it.

I am a very rational, forgiving, I could probably rationalize in my head anything. I am also very by the book and I have always told myself that if anyone ever slept with another person while I was with them, it would be over, no questions asked- but now faced with the situation for the first time, my forgiving heart and my rationalizing tells me, maybe, maybe it could work, maybe she could change, maybe we could move on, people cheat all the time and make it work right? Such a major percentage of people cheat, right? I myself have cheated on a girlfriend at the end of a relationship (when I was immature and 21 and just a kiss). I felt like I was in a great place with my career and my relationship and felt this engagement was the next step, now I can focus on that and my work and not have to worry about meeting new women. I know that people close to me, my parents, my friends, would all immediately say “dump the -----“ and move on, this is what my immediate head reaction said, but like I said, I analyze all the options, I take my brain, my feelings and my emotions to create one decision and try to make it the right on. My question is, is it possible for this to work? I need to at least end it for a bit right? My head said I should go out and do the same thing she did to me, but I really don’t even feel like it, I am more mature than that at this point in my life.

Sorry for the long winded post but like I said I have no one else to talk to at this point. Can this work? DO people recover from this? Should I cut my losses? Will it happen if we ever got married? What are your thoughts or experiences in this – any feedback thoughts and comments are welcome and I appreciate the time in advance. At this point after going to the gym this evening, I feel I am thinking logically and rationally and I have numbed myself to the situation somewhat after 48 straight hours of chaos in my brain.

I am 28 soon to be 29. My “fiancé” is newly 30.

[artchick88]

What a sad story. I'm so sorry for your situation, what a heartbreak. Unfortunately the only option is to end it.

Luckily you are not married. Then you would have worse problems. There are a couple things going on here:

1) I doubt this is the first time, she was playing it like nothing happened! She just slipped up and got caught-- this time.

2) If you "forgive" her your whole marriage and the rest of your life will feel empty. You no longer have true love. Ugh what a ****ty way of me to put it, but ultimately this is the truth, and I think you know that.

3) My mom cheated on my dad during their engagement. He forgave her. Their marriage was a sham, a disaster, abusive, distrusting, and so terribly sad. He says he was never able to forgive her and spent most of the marriage finding ways to withhold love and punish her.

 

She ruined it. I suggest changing your number and taking a vacation with a couple friends. Then when you get back you should end it.

 

I'm sorry and good luck.

[dannykeyz831]

I'm terribly sorry at what happened. I know how it feels believe me. Feels like you have a huge whole in your stomach..like your heart was ripped out and torn to shreds and the worst....picturing them in the act over and over and over. I've been through it man and honestly, if you decide to get back together with her, It won't be the same anymore. As much much as you want to forget and move past what happened, you will always have that thought of her with another man in the back of your mind, and you will always be questioning every thing that she tells you. "If she really going out with her friends?", "Is she really at work?", "Why is she dressing up so nice?" "Is she trying to impress someone"?, "Why did she come home so late?", Why hasn't she called me back"? I can go on and on and on and on. Your self esteem will suffer big time. Even sex will become emotionally difficult. You will be thinking about that guy who she slept with and the different acts that they might have performed. Things that you and your gf would do. It all become way too much and if I were you I'd let her go and suffer the short term pain than to be with her and suffer the long term pain.

 

I'm just being honest with you buddy. This is what I went through and its the most horrible thing in the world. I've been broken up with my ex for a while now but I'm still trying to get over what she did to me 15 months ago. Have some self pride and do the right thing but if you decide to be with her then be prepared for what I said above because it will happen.

 

Best of luck and keep your head up!

[Frank13]

The biggest thing that concerns me is she said she "didn't know why I did it". WTF? So she is that easily swayed into cheating without even a reason or excuse? That to me says it all and would be the deal breaker.

[Occu3.14'd]

This is my biggest fear in any relationship.

 

I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through, but my heart breaks just reading it.

 

I know nothing you hear from anyone right now will fix anything, but try to take some comfort in the fact that you found out about this before you got married, or bought a house, or had kids.

 

At least now - if you chose to do so - you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on while the stakes are much lower than they could have been.

 

Also, Natural191, please keep posting here. We're all here to help eachother out.

 

And again, I am truly sorry that you have to go through this. Truly truly sorry.

[dannykeyz831]

The biggest thing that concerns me is she said she "didn't know why I did it". WTF? So she is that easily swayed into cheating without even a reason or excuse? That to me says it all and would be the deal breaker.

 

Haha..that's the exact same line my ex gf used. Just makes things that much worse. Shows their immaturity and selfishness. Dump her and don't look back!

[crazylove]

Hi there, sorry for what u are going through. Firstly, I think you should take some time out to get your head around this and work out what you want without any outside pressure from her. This may be a few days, maybe a few weeks...but you need some time alone to figure out if you can forgive what she did, and can move on from it.

Some couples can, some can't, and only you can know in yourself if you're willing to work on it and whether it is worth saving.

Good luck with whichever decision you come to. ((hugs))

[steveblack]

I am sorry my dude. Listen take some time, to yourself, grieve cry, dont be ashamed and talk to a friend or family member. Let at least some time to pass. Hang out at a buddies house, or reach out to a friend you haven't seen.

 

Don't be alone.

 

You got this. Hang in there.

[2muchlove]

I caught my girlfriend of 2 months cheating on me with her ex of seven years. I found it in my heart to forgive and rationalize it like you say you can do.

 

From that point on our relationship was incredible, we were amazing together. However, no matter how much I tried to believe it, I could never find it in myself to fully let go. From that point on I was always questioning her commitment and faith in certain situations. Which ultimately led to our demise in which I'm currently overcoming.

 

So it really depends on whether or not you can truly move past it. It's a tough choice.

[StrangeBehaviors]

When she cheated, she ended being your fiance.

 

When she cheated, she disrespected you in the ultimate way.

 

Staying with her, you know inside you lose respect for yourself and won't trust her.

 

Don't listen to what people say (her), look at what they do. She lied, cheated, and tried to get away with it. This is from a woman that is 30 years old that should have things figured out by now. She's proven to be a loser regardless of time involved and all the good you had together.

 

You know what to do. Just pretend you're a robot for awhile and she disappeared.

 

After awhile, you'll be in a better position to find a winner instead.

[Natural191]

Thanks so much for the support. It's great that someone in a position like mind can find so many different opinions and support so soon from other people this has happened to.

 

I feel so sick to my stomach and sad. I know that the right thing to do is to move on. I havent spoken to her today and I am not sure that I am really inclined to. I agree with a lot of things people said here especially the pre-marriage and pre-child statement.

 

The only thing I can rationalize is that it is amazing to me that she actually admitted it. If she didnt feel sorry or guilty she could have just told me nothing happened, but I probably wouldnt have trusted her much after that regardless. She says she felt that I was always so distant from her with work, but i literally find it impossible to beleive since we were moving in together and just spent a weekend together at the beach and had an amazing time.

 

My head is telling me that I just need to keep to myself, go to the gym, try not to think about it, but it almost feels like my mind is partial to torturing my heart. It keeps going back to re-live the night it happened and keeps obsessing over the situation which kills my heart. My head just tells me to keep plowing on, ask her for my ring back, and to get her stuff out of my house - which I have already told her (she thinks I have been completely decisive that it is 100% over at this point - I have not even suggested any kind of thought or reconciliation in the future) ... My forgiving nature and ability to rationalize plays in and somehow makes me think - well if we did work it out, our relationship would probably be stronger, perfect, for some period of time, but could I get past the idea that she slept with another man? Every time we fought would I bring it up for the rest of our lives? How soon would we return to normal where things got back to an even keel and likely happen again? Would they?

 

I don't know - I wish I had some statisical manual which showed me what percentage of people cheat, how often it works out, etc etc,, or maybe i dont need any of that and I should just plow on and quit dwelling on it.

 

It seems like regardless what I need to do is stick strong to the fact that the engagement is over and we are no longer together, ask her to come get her things. If we can reconcile it seems like it wouldnt happen unless she worked on herself and that would take some time, I would need to sort my thoughts out and get back on calm waters. I do agree that it is necessary, this would be a get out of jail free card if we got back together with zero consequences and my self worth would be so low.

Edited August 2, 2012 by Natural191

[Balzac]

Dwell on your grief. Know that your decision is soundly the best one. Pack her belongings and remove them as soon as possible. Don't entertain discussions about second chances. Tell your friends and family that the engagement is off. You can leave details out.

[TheBetterPerson]

She broke your fairytale!

you cant go back,

and she did it pretty casually, she even said she loved you before she did the the deed and after, how disgusting!!!!

 

Was the relationship going bad?

was there a reason why she did this to you?

do you think she would do it again?

[Natural191]

Hi The Better Person - No, our relationship was completely fine, honestly I thought she was maturing, things were going great, we would finally be moved in together, she mentioned that she thought sometimes I was distant and all I cared about was my work, but honestly if I thought things were bad I would openly say yes they were. Things were great, we were talking about having kids, we were laughing whenever we were together, talking every day not arguing etc..

 

This was really out of the blue and escalated very quickly - sometimes I wonder if maybe this wasn't out of the blue and subliminally she did it because she was completely unhappy and now she just seems that she wants me back because its the change she fears , the guilt she feels. But in all honesty I am pretty observant and smart in regards to picking up signs and analyzing things and I worked so hard to keep our relationship happy I really truly didnt see anything that would make me beleive otherwise.

 

I am going to ask her for the ring back today and to get the stuff out of my house today and while I have her on the phone I am going to get a reason out of her, but likely its something like "you were distant with work" or some other ridiculous excuse. Ultimately she has already admitted it was completely selfish and the "you were distant from work" argument doesn't really hold water and is no excuse for what she did.

 

THe guy she did it with she said she was just really good friends with and he isnt even her type etc etc etc bla bla.. They were very good friends and I know this because they worked together years ago when our relationship was amazing and there was definitely no cheating going on because she slept at my house every single day checked in with me etc.., and this same guy had another girlfriend that he almost got engaged to at the time.. they have had 3 or 4 jobs together in the past 2 years and they were just good friends and quite frankly not to toot my own horn but her going from me to him is a complete downgrade on every conventional level I could think of but then maybe I am wrong about that.

 

They were great friends, and she even told me she was going out with him and a few other people she was texting me the whole time and as soon as she got drunk the lies came out and then it happened. SHe literally told me accurately the place she was at, who she was with, what they were doing, and I know all of that is true, right up until around 2 AM when she lied saying she was going home and went home with this guy instead. Then like I said she admitted it, although not at first, but she could have continued to deny it.

 

SO the above is really just a long winded reply to would she do it again? I really don't know, I haven't seen her since it happened and quite frankly it was so out of the blue I have myself questioning everything I knew about her and myself. Of course she says she'd never do it again, that she would do anything, that we were meant for each other etc etc that she feels lower than human, but she is human and made a mistake, that she cant change the past but would do anything to make the future work... but this is coming from the person who just lied to me and slept with someone else.

[stillafool]

Don't trust this one with your heart anymore. She has proved who she is. She will cheat again, she will cheat again. Get the ring back, your heart back and kick her to the curb.

[JasonRules]

Hi,

I dated a woman who I loved with all of my heart for 3 years. I moved out of the city I was living in to be closer to her and have supported her for with everything for this period of time. After 3 years we had many differences and broke up for a brief period of time. We got back together within a few months after some time apart and everything was going great. So great that we got engaged several months later. It has been 3 months into our engagement and she had partially moved her belongings into my house and we were set to finish within the next few weeks.

Within the last few months she has changed her job which is commission based and in order to support herself picked up a bartending gig at a night club. Within the last few weeks all while everything was going great between us, I noticed she had been spending time with a lot of co workers, one guy in particular who works at the night club and she has mentioned to me casually in conversation. I am not a jealous person and I am very trusting so I really didn’t think much of it.

Just recently on her day off I was home because I had work the next morning I had been sending texts to her back and forth and she had gone out to dinner with some people from work. She likes to drink and go out late fairly more than I do but it really doesn’t bother me. We both texted each other telling each other we missed each other and wished we were together sharing drinks etc.. I even asked her if she wanted to come home to me (she usually sleeps at her place on this evening) because I felt like something was off beat. She implied that she would but basically dodged it without saying yes. Roughly 30 minutes before the bar closed she texted me saying who she was with and where she was and then 30 minutes later texted me saying she was Home, good night, and I love you – I knew something was wrong at that point because she lives 45 minutes away from where she was minimum and she usually takes longer. After a moral battle within myself at 3:15 AM I drove an hour to her house to see that her car was not there. I called her twice and she did not answer. I spent the next 4 hours driving the streets of the city to look for her car which I of course never found in the area I suspected she was in because I wanted to catch her in the act. I know she had been out drinking heavily with her co workers. The next morning she sends me a text saying good morning, have a great day, she loves me. I ask her why she didn’t come over last night. She said because she had to go home and get a good sleep for work the next day. Caught red handed, I ask her if shes cheating on me, she says no, why am I acting like this, I put more pressure and get angier, I tell her I am not asking her I am telling her that I know she is. Eventually she caves and says she is going to be honest – she did – she slept with the person I thought she did; while drunk (an excuse) – some of the pictures I have seen from that evening of her taking shots, she is still wearing her engagement ring not that it matters in the least, in fact it might even make it worse - she is so sorry she loves me more than anything, feels lower than human. I call her and after a furious hour of anger, crying, screaming and yelling I tell her our engagement is over, I want her things out and I want my ring back. How could she do this to me? She clearly has no respect for me

The last 48 hours I have not slept or eaten, work has been a nightmare and I live alone and I am feeling worse and worse about the situation. I loved her with all of my heart – I do not want to tell my friends, my family, or my employers as I am too embarrassed. The irony of this situation is that she was engaged to another man years ago who cheated on her, and she at the drop of a hat picked up and left never to speak to him again after an 8 year relationship- now here she is doing the same thing to me. Within the last 48 hours it has been nothing but calls and texts begging me not to end it, stating we are meant for each other, that she loves me more than life, that she couldn’t live without me, that she is human and made a stupid mistake. She says it only happened once but at this point all I can do is picture the worst case scenario in both aspects of this. 1. That it has happened several times before, or possibly not sex but other things the previous times. 2. I continue to picture the sexual act in my head over and over again, although I did not witness it, I have seen pictures of the guy she did it with and I continue to picture the relations she had with me, being preformed with the other guy. Them kissing in the cab, them getting back to his place, them doing all of the things that we would do while sparing the details.The sacredness of it just kills me. It makes me feel dirty and sick to my stomach. I think this is the worst part. That and the fact that she lied to me.

She says she has no idea why she did it and is pleading me to work it out and move in with me, to start our lives together, to forgive her, to let her make it up to me, she says she would do anything, she cant lose me, she loves me more than life and if I leave her will have to deal with this the rest of her life. She says she needs to look at herself and change. She said she could have just told me that she slept over his house and nothing happened, and she probably could have and maybe I would have rationalized it.

I am a very rational, forgiving, I could probably rationalize in my head anything. I am also very by the book and I have always told myself that if anyone ever slept with another person while I was with them, it would be over, no questions asked- but now faced with the situation for the first time, my forgiving heart and my rationalizing tells me, maybe, maybe it could work, maybe she could change, maybe we could move on, people cheat all the time and make it work right? Such a major percentage of people cheat, right? I myself have cheated on a girlfriend at the end of a relationship (when I was immature and 21 and just a kiss). I felt like I was in a great place with my career and my relationship and felt this engagement was the next step, now I can focus on that and my work and not have to worry about meeting new women. I know that people close to me, my parents, my friends, would all immediately say “dump the -----“ and move on, this is what my immediate head reaction said, but like I said, I analyze all the options, I take my brain, my feelings and my emotions to create one decision and try to make it the right on. My question is, is it possible for this to work? I need to at least end it for a bit right? My head said I should go out and do the same thing she did to me, but I really don’t even feel like it, I am more mature than that at this point in my life.

Sorry for the long winded post but like I said I have no one else to talk to at this point. Can this work? DO people recover from this? Should I cut my losses? Will it happen if we ever got married? What are your thoughts or experiences in this – any feedback thoughts and comments are welcome and I appreciate the time in advance. At this point after going to the gym this evening, I feel I am thinking logically and rationally and I have numbed myself to the situation somewhat after 48 straight hours of chaos in my brain.

I am 28 soon to be 29. My “fiancé” is newly 30.

 

 

Dude, let me ask you a very simple question:

 

Are you a schmuck?

 

This incident is HEAVEN SENT, not a tragedy. In situations like this you have to look at the POSITIVES, not the NEGATIVES. Let me explain:

 

Imagine if you married your dumb and naive fiance. Fast forward 5,10,15 years later and then she decides to cheat on you while you have a house and 3 kids together. By cheating on you NOW your fiance saved you a shvt load of headache, lawyers fees, divorce proceedings, child support, and you living alone in a studio apartment alone and old because you can't afford to rebuild your life.

 

Aside from this you said that you're 29 and your soon to be ex is 30. Let me look at my crystal ball for a moment and I"ll tell you what your future will look like in 10-15 years.

 

You might think your fiance is hot/good looking now, but in 10 years a 40 year old man will probably not find a 41 year old woman attractive. You will be miserable and kicking yourself in the rear.

 

Your future wife should be younger than you by 5-12 years so that you will always find her attractive and youthful compared to you.

 

And what the hell are you doing planning marriage in your late 20s? Why the rush? If I were you I wouldn't be looking seriously at marriage until my mid to upper 30s. You're still young.

 

 

So instead of being miserable and depressed, send your ex fiance a thank you note for all the above reasons and kick her to the curb. She just gave you a "get out of jail free" card. You should be counting your blessings.

 

Once you're done mourning, do what all men should do in case their gf cheats. Go and upgrade. Find a younger, hotter, and better looking gf. This is the ultimate revenge. And when you do, post your photos together on FB to drive the stake deeper in the heart of your soon to be ex fiance.

 

Then perhaps next time she will think twice before pulling off this crap.

[KatZee]

I have to agree with everyone here.

 

I was like you not too long ago. My boyfriend of almost three years confessed to cheating on me with his ex 4 months into our relationship. I never would have found out, but someone was threatening to tell me, and he came clean.

 

I like you, had this fantasy in my head that we could get through it. That we were stronger than most, and that relationships came out stronger from cheating in the end. I read infidelity books, I subscribed to SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

 

Everyone on that site told me to run and never look back. They said that they had seen it time and time again and that it was a godsend we were not married and that we had no kids. They showed me how easy it would be to turn the other way, run and never look back. Did I listen? Of course not.

 

When you love someone, you always think you know them best, know what their intentions are, know deep down they really love you and care and truly made a mistake. So I made the decision to stay, and from that point forward, the relationship was destroyed.

 

As much as I wanted to look past it, move on... it was impossible. I was angry all of the time. I felt such a hatred towards him, that he could disrespect me like that. Angry that deep down I knew something was going on because things never added up, yet he lied right to my face. I would have days where I wanted to strangle him. He tried to move on as if nothing happened. He just wanted to sweep it under the rug and go back to that loving, happy relationship we had. And it was impossible. I didn't trust him from that point forward. If he was on his phone, or texting, I noticed I would sit up straighter and strain my eyeballs to see who it was. I would look through his internet history when I had the chance. I would boil on the inside if he spoke to another female...thinking if he had the chance he'd cheat again.

 

He ruined us. The day he cheated, and the day he confessed was the day he hammered a nail into the coffin and buried us. Infidelity is a HUGE problem and it's not something you just move past from. He even noticed that I would look at him with hate in my eyes, and disgust. Those loving eyes I had for him were gone. Trust is really something you don't get back once it breaks. Never fully. There are always seeds of doubt and you never truly move on from this, no matter how much you want to.

 

One of my good friends stayed with a guy who betrayed her trust. He didn't full on cheat, but it almost went there. 10 years later they're married, with a son, but she says there are still trust issues. She still doesn't feel it 100%.I don't see how anyone can be with someone, and so happy when you know deep down they can't be trusted. It's a horrible feeling and it makes you feel insecure all of the time. That's not a relationship you want to have.

[KatZee]

Of course she says she'd never do it again, that she would do anything, that we were meant for each other etc etc that she feels lower than human, but she is human and made a mistake, that she cant change the past but would do anything to make the future work... but this is coming from the person who just lied to me and slept with someone else.

 

I heard all this too. Then he broke up with me, and came to learn (just yesterday!) that he actually met a girl at his job and put me on the backburner while he went to go screw around with that. So he may not have cheated officially again, but he opened himself up to that possibility, and probably emotionally cheated. So yeah. He did it again.

 

Also, you need to understand the difference between mistakes, and CHOICES.

 

A mistake is goofing up at work. Miscalculating something. Missing an exit on the freeway.

 

She didn't make a mistake.

 

She CHOSE to cheat on you. She CHOSE to be alone with this "friend." She CHOSE to have sex with someone else while she was engaged to you. None of those things are mistakes, but a series of calculated choices.

 

A lot of people like to blame shift and try to ease their guilt by pulling the "it was a mistake I'm only human!" card.

[weallfalldown]

Hi, so sorry to hear this........what a slag.....well you know what you have to do my man!....

 

Does make me question how some women have been in my past relationships....but i guess i'll never know...

[Chi townD]

SHe literally told me accurately the place she was at, who she was with, what they were doing, and I know all of that is true, right up until around 2 AM when she lied saying she was going home and went home with this guy instead. Then like I said she admitted it, although not at first, but she could have continued to deny it.

 

 

Dude, she knew she was busted, do you actually think that if she said that she spent the night at his place alone with him that nothing happen; you would believe it? Knowing that she COULD have gone home with one of her female co-workers that she was out with? She knows you're not stupid.

 

A good rule to remember, a cheater will only admit to what you can prove. and second, a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum of what happened as to make it look not as bad as what it TRUELY is.

 

Therefore, she knows that you went to her place and saw her car wasn't there. If you asked one of her co-workers, there's a chance that one of them would mistakenly dime her out. Hence, she's telling you it happened and that is was a one time drunken mistake. Because that's all you can prove right now! I bet you anything that if you had access to her text logs and e-mails and phone bill, it would paint and entirely different picture. She's in damage control right now. She's supposed to get married. She promised herself to you, Now, the marriage isn't going to happen and she'll have to explain (or rather lie) about why it's not going to happen. She'd rather not do that.

 

Look, you want to forgive her. And guess what? You can. I say you can forgive her as a person, but as a girlfriend and a future wife? She crossed a line and that's a boundry that's a deal breaker.

Edited August 2, 2012 by Chi townD

[livelife]

I'm not an expert here, i'm only 20 years old...but I don't like peoples responses saying "ah just drop her and move on." No, you were engaged to this girl, it isn't just that easy. I don't think you should just completely drop this, obviously you still love the girl, and obviously its going to take some time for you to heal from this. With that being said, your relationship with her can only be saved if you and her both have time alone to heal from this. Because otherwise the past will just keep being brought up and it won't truly be fixed until you have time apart. You need space to yourself, to clear your head, and to really think about things.

[Sameold]

To put it crudely, she spread her legs for another man whilst engaged to you!

 

Dude..it's as simple as that. **** that bitch man and get yourself a real girlfriend. Why should YOU have to settle for 2nd best, be the man you are and kick her to the kurb.

 

One girl, One chance, One life.

[NXS]

I am going to ask her for the ring back today and to get the stuff out of my house today and while I have her on the phone I am going to get a reason out of her, but likely its something like "you were distant with work" or some other ridiculous excuse. Ultimately she has already admitted it was completely selfish and the "you were distant from work" argument doesn't really hold water and is no excuse for what she did.

 

I'm no expert on cheating but from the many threads on cheating here you'll probably just get trickle truth. She'll just tell you the bare minimum she thinks she'll get away with.

 

.. they have had 3 or 4 jobs together in the past 2 years and they were just good friends

 

This was definitely not some drunken 'mistake', she knew exactly what whe was doing here. She has developed feelings for this guy, or maybe had them all along but didn't pursue them because he previously had a gf.

 

You've got great advice here and I don't really have much to add, just hope you can find the courage to get out of this relationship and don't look back. As other posters have said this is really a gift to you, better now than when the marriage, kids, mortgages, bills etc come along. Especially kids, they make a breakup 100X times harder. The engagement is supposed to be the time when you're both free of all that and deeply in love and looking forward to building your lives together. If she can't even do that now then there's no hope when all the other stress and work comes along.

 

So thank her for showing you who she is either in person, or if you don't want to that, then by email/letter (which you don't have to send). Then just let her go from your life.

[KatZee]

I'm not an expert here, i'm only 20 years old...but I don't like peoples responses saying "ah just drop her and move on." No, you were engaged to this girl, it isn't just that easy. I don't think you should just completely drop this, obviously you still love the girl, and obviously its going to take some time for you to heal from this. With that being said, your relationship with her can only be saved if you and her both have time alone to heal from this. Because otherwise the past will just keep being brought up and it won't truly be fixed until you have time apart. You need space to yourself, to clear your head, and to really think about things.

 

It's best he DOES just drop her now. He dodged a huge bullet here. How can he stand at the alter watching this cheating bi*ch walk down the aisle? How can he stand there and speak vows for a lifetime for a chick would couldn't even take the ENGAGEMENT seriously? With his RING ON HER FINGER she willingly spread her legs for another guy. This is the EPITOME of trash, and lack of class.

 

If she's capable of doing this now, believe me she WILL do it again. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you're talking about marriage here. Years, and years, and years. She's bound to screw up again, especially if he took her back. She'd think... wellll I got away with it the first time... he took me back... this time I'll just be more careful...

 

And if he marrys this girl and down the line she cheats... guess what? Now it's ugly. Now there are kids. Mortgages. Lawyers. Legal fees. He can walk away right now and wipe his hands and be done with it.

 

Will it hurt? Sure. But at this stage in the game, he doesn't need this. He needs a woman who's going to cherish and respect what he has to offer. There are no kids here to bind them. No legalities as of yet. He can walk away clean and free, wiping his brow on the way out.

[g450]

I agree with the general consensus here. Especially Jason.

 

She did you a favor. Better to find this out now rather than a mortgage and two kids later. Your ex fiance did not love you. How could she have if her actions were to cheat on you. Alcohol is no excuse. If anything, sometimes drinking actually brings out the truth in people.

 

Look at the good parts:

 

You found out before you married her.

You are still young.

You have no children together.

 

If you forgive her thats fine but if you get back together with her you will be short changing yourself. Do you really want to have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life?

 

I want you to imagine something. Lets imagine that you never found out. You married her and her lover is in the audience as a guest that she invited and he is looking at you and thinking "what a dumba##!". I hit that **** and quit that **** and he is getting the cheating whores sloppy seconds.

Does that make you mad? Good! It should. Next time she calls think of this!

 

Block all comms with this person and go back to doing what you did before she came into your life. Good luck. It will get better. Been there done that.