popvix Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Ive posted another thread about a breakup im going through because of the question in this topic. Roughly speaking i got with my girlfriend 7 years ago at the age of 18 and we both lost our virginity to each other within about 6 months and stayed faithful right up till this moment (25 years old), so we have only ever been with each other. We'd both had boyfriends and girlfriends before that point and had never passed just kissing and light petting etc - but nothing more, and it was something that at the time we both felt was very important to each other that we were "pure" for each other. Now my girlfriend is breaking up with me because she cant shake off the feeling that she just needs to know what its like to be with other people - even though our relationship is 98% great (her words not mine). Myself, i honestly have no urges to find out what its like with other people since i listen to what others say on the matter and seriously cant imagine anything being different at all (lets just say my girlfriend and me had tried nearly everything there is to try without straying from monogamy) ... so the curiosity just IS NOT THERE with me. I'd love to know if any of you have been through something similar? Or did you reach this point of curiosity and then find a way to work through it? Or did you break up with someone to find out .... and how was it all? Anyone else been in this situation?
dudesomewhere Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 there are very few people in the world who are so comfortable with only wanting to have experienced 1 person. That is probably on the order of .0000000000001% of the world's population. I am one of them...but of course I've failed because I never found someone who shared that same sentiment...so you know, you have to keep searching and often times they want to get busy Yeah, it sucked for me I've failed so many (3 of 4 fails...1 I didn't mind and love ). So yeah, I'm one of the few who if I only had it once would never need to look beyond...and even my few experience...if I could end up on my 5th and have that a success I'm content. History has shown that I'm a kook and am weird...so it's probably just the weird people who are content
Author popvix Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 I was dreading you saying that... but yeh im not surprised. I just cant see what the big deal is with being with different people - i know theres some people who can be fantastic in bed and some people can just be terrible... but apart from the initial thrill - i just dont see what more there can be to being with loads of different people. I mean, if i go and do the same right now... all im gonna feel is like "hey this is good and all, but i would have rather be doing it with the girl i love, rather than this person i barely know or care about"... I'm just in the minority eh
HokeyReligions Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Believe it or not, there are people who live their lives being with one other person. I have been with two and I can't imagine ever wanting to be with more. I was young and curious when I lost my virginity. My bf at the time was also a virgin. We had sex 3.5 times. I thought "what's the big deal?" It was okay, but I knew that I wanted to wait until I was married. I dated a lot of guys between him and my husband, and though tempted, I never went past kissing. It's all in the priorities. If your gf wants to experiment, its better she do it now and break up with you, than cheat on you later---especially if you two were to get married. For some people, sex (quality & quantity) is at the top of their priority list and is something that they use as the foundation of a relationship. No sex, or bad sex is a deal breaker for some people. For others, it is much lower on the list of priorities. Priorities shift and change througout relationships too, so its important to communicate with each other and if there is a major shift for one person and not the other, then maybe it IS time to break up and move on.
Matilda Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 I agree there are some people that are happy being only with one person. My husband's brother and his wife have been together since they were in their teens, and are still happily married 30 years later. But, your girlfriend has expressed interest in other people. I also think it is best for her to do so now. It may just be that she will see the grass is not greener, and then your relationship will be stronger for her having done so. Of course, she may decide that she would rather not be with you too, so prepare yourself for that possibility as well.
Author popvix Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 Yeah - its just obvious that unless our situation was suddenly changed... of which now is just way past that point - then this wasnt going to go away. We've spoken a few times on the telephone today and i've looked for any signs of doubt in her, without prompting... and it just isnt there. The awful thing is that i could never ever have her back if she went with anyone else - i dont have any issues with that in general, but in terms of our relationship it would be like things had been ruined, and i would forever go back and forth in my mind imagining her with other men... its just a wedge between us now that i cant ever remove. I feel so upset for losing seven whole years of my entire life with the person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with - up until march this year we were as solid as a rock, and now this? The thoughts of going through more relationships that might end up on the rocks like this are just horrible.... i dont want casual relationships with anyone else.... i want something more - i want companionship and to make something out of this life. Damn... i just cant let go of hope, even when its just blatantly obvious its O.V.E.R
dudesomewhere Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 damn, that sounds like me...hehe...very eerily so maybe it's me being asian with all the zen, meditative stuff and the buddhism that helps me combat all the sleeping around and the hordes of women coming on to me be strong my friend, me being 31 with only 4 partners...if I had given in and lost all my standards I'd have something on the order of 30+ partners, and that's having some standards. Some people have no standards and have 100+...I wonder who I'm hinting at. hehe...only those posters will know
murphy pee Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 There are two side to this dilema: The first is that the idea of spending the rest of your life seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling and hearing one person is not an inviting one. It is quite unrealistic, and if one expected this form his/her partner, s/he would be asking for way too much. Secondly, with the out burst of AIDS and HIV, it would be the most advisable thing to do. Other than that, I see it as cruel, unusual punishment. Your girlfriend has felt it for seven years (tantamount to being married), should she feel it for another 7x7=49 (or more years!!!?). I understand where she's coming from, and support her all the way. Afterall, it is always the man in any relationship who starts looking for love elsewhere! Just thank your lucky stars that she didnt wait till you got married to tell you! You are a good man. Very few men would sacrifice their genetically in-borne desire for variety. WHAT TO DO: I suggest you let her go; I know for a fact that she will be back (98% is a good share of her). Infact, call it "giving you a break, babe". Some months away from you will remind her of your unconditional love for her, and why she's stayed with you this long. CONTINUE BEING YOURSELF.
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 The awful thing is that i could never ever have her back if she went with anyone else - i dont have any issues with that in general, but in terms of our relationship it would be like things had been ruined, and i would forever go back and forth in my mind imagining her with other men... its just a wedge between us now that i cant ever remove. Make sure you tell her this before she makes her decision to leave.
Author popvix Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 Wow, thanks for the advice there - yeah i always have it in the back of my mind that she will be back at some stage for something or the other.... i just need to work on a coping strategy and trying to move forward instead of perpetuating the pain right now. This forum is helping alot with getting the truth and facts straight in my mind... i only wish i had discovered this a while ago Thanks guys
CurlyIam Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 I really don't want to spoil your joy or your expectations. I'll just tell you what happened to me. Up untill 7 months ago, I too was in a long and serious relationship (4,5years living together for the last 2,4) with a boy I lost my virginity to. Curiosity was not the reason I left him, and I did tell him this. In my case, there were mountains of lots of other things (plus the fact that I left my country for France for one year). Most importantly: also he was a great person, my best friend, the man I think I respected most and yet I did not feel attracted to him. At the beginning I thought it was the novelty, the change (I have been the subject of a quite strict unbringing), but in the end it came to me. Again, he was a good man who, in his way, loved me dearly. But I did not want to spend the rest of my life witha man I didn't feel passionate about. HAd I felt desire, chemistry (stricty from a sexual poit of vue, because intellectually speaking, we practically shared the same brain), I would have not only stayed with the guy, but probably married him too... It's sad really, but to me, it matters a lot. I want lust, I want to feel desire. In a relationship. Anyway, I am stressing again the fact that it was quality, not quantity that made me leave. I admit I am a bit reluctant to changing partners... And I shall never go back to my ex. My story, my life, my priorities, my set of values... I hope it helps. Curly
Author popvix Posted July 13, 2004 Author Posted July 13, 2004 Curly, Even though your man was alot of things to you, but you didnt feel "attracted" to him... have you found what you needed right now? Does it feel better? .... i think my GF is in the exact same situation as you were - im wondering if everything ends happily?
CurlyIam Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 Popvix, Sorry, I thought I was clear. We broke off. But take into consideration that I was away from him for one year and will probably stay in Paris for another year at least. About being attracted to my ex: we mutually lost interest in one another. He was taking me for granted and was enjoing his toys more: big promotion, big job, big money... I didn't find the idea of sleeping with "el Presidente" any more appealing than I did before. And now that he lost his attention too... he became a big turn off for me. He changed his personality too which made him even less attractive to me. Mind you, have I stayed home, it would have been hell for me to breakup with him. I was just not that strong. I would have finally dumped him, but I think I would have made a hell lot more of a mess. So you see, it's never just one thing. It usually adds up. Anyway, now I'm ok. I did casualy date, I found a man who's happy giving me the space I need and enjoying the little time we spend together. And yes, if you're asking, it's different. I feel the attraction, the lust, the passion. I am in the middle of discovering things and I love it. I do admit that my not putting any pressure on it, my taking it easy and just enjoying the ride does help a lot!!! I am repeating myself:I personally cannot disociate the two (having a good relationship and having a good sexlife). Maybe it's not that, maybe it's just her curiosity !!! do you think she's not attracted to you? did she usually initiate sex? Did she enjoy caressing you? Did she liked kissing you alot ?
CurlyIam Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 have you found what you needed right now? Yes, thanks Lord! I found just what I wanted (sexually speaking). Does it feel better? What I am feeling right nowdoesnot come even closer to what I felt with my ex. We were best friends, we knew eachother, we had a realtionship. But it did Not work out. Emotionally speaking, I'm safe. I can controll what's going on, and I do care for my bf to the moon and back. He is very attentive to me and I just feel him taking care of me. I'm very tired, pop, and it does feel great to be loved,to be protected, to be cherished. Sexually speaking I'm having a great time too. I just don't have those great expectations of big fireworks and endless moments of happiness. I enjoy a whole lot more each precious moment.
Author popvix Posted July 14, 2004 Author Posted July 14, 2004 Hi Curly, To answer your questions - she would initiate things alot moreso because she wanted to address my needs, rather than the fact she actually wanted us to have sex - so the "spark" just was not existant there for her. Having said that, it was wierd since we could have some amazing times with each other, and funnily enough - some of the best sex we've ever has has been in the past three months through this time - she doesnt have problems going with things once she's "into it" but its just the emotional bit before hand doesnt seem to exist anymore which tends to start sex off. Its not a problem for me since from what ive found out about life - this happens in long term relationships and sex becomes more of something you have to make time and effort to get the best out of... but hey, thats a side issue now.
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