curlygirl40 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Howdy all!! So not really looking for specific advice as much as opening a discussion. Went on a first Match date last night with a guy who was married for 20 years and told me through conversation that for a long time after the divorce (2 years now) they still would get together and have sex. Our 'let's meet for dinner' lasted for 5 hours, closed the place down. Good conversation and we felt very comfortable with each other by the time he shared this. At one point he did say 'I can't believe I told you that on a first date!'. Just curious if any of you have had this experience. Being the one having sex with the ex or dating someone who you suspected was still having sex with the ex. I know it happens I hear about it from friends, etc. so I can't say that this shocks me but just not sure how to handle it if we continue to date and get to the point of intimacy. Would this be a dealbreaker for you? If you got to the point of talking about exclusivity, would you feel the need to make it known that you also expect they are not still sleeping with the ex? Interested to hear.
Silly_Girl Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 If you got to the point of talking about exclusivity, would you feel the need to make it known that you also expect they are not still sleeping with the ex? Yes, it's hat exclusivity means and the fact he raised it probably means I would too at that point. But prior to that, I would be okay with it. I think ex-sex is generally bad, but I appreciate not everyone sees it that way.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 I think a lot of people engage in this, especially when a guy is pulling away from the relationship but still wants someone to sex up while he dates or tries to (most men aren't successful in the dating world after long-term commitments) oh and of course the "love" and "care" you still have for them for such history, the companionship and bond always justifies the action to themselves. A woman will typically cut off intimacy with other people and would rather sex up one person at time when looking for a relationship, however It's not always the case. I've known women to date men and still have sex with their ex's/old flings but were moving on because they were looking for more however they were making the new guy(s) wait for sex that they were dating in the meantime, partly not to look like a whore and just being unsure of the quality of the man. Once she decides it's time for intimacy with new guy then she cuts off ties with old guy or just does both until it doesn't feel right. Of course these men never find out and I'm sure the men could be doing it to, but then again women have a tendency not to take a mans past seriously which imo is a huge blunder because history says a lot. If I was looking for a serious relationship I would care and it would be a deal breaker for me mainly because of the emotional investment they still have with their ex, which will inhibit the long-term potential...I would expect to hit a wall, regardless of what they say isn't the case. If I didn't care about the outcome then I wouldn't be bothered too much by that fact other than catching an STD or getting caught up in any drama. The thing about it is you're not going to know for sure about the latter, people can easily lie or manipulate the situation giving half-truths or feeding whatever bs they want (especially men) so chances are you're not even going to find out or know unless you were really good at asking the right questions and reading between the lines with men, which the vast majority of women aren't much good at unfortunately which is why they're always so surprised that they were lied to. At the end of the day you have to determine how much you trust this person and what they are saying you believe to be true and genuine and not too sugar-coated...promises count for little at this stage of the game you have to use your intuition so I'd say this is case by case...for myself I'd rather be safe than sorry, and when I'm looking for a relationship my criteria would pretty rigid...I see things for what they are, not what I want them to be, I don't feed myself any illusions and I accept what I'm getting myself into instead of trying to wrap myself around self-doubt and hope. Some people also think that when people tell them early on about something they're just being honest, when in reality they're just giving you a heads up. Most people just don't break pattern and become completely different people, people like to make the past the past but It's definitely relevant imo, it shows the limits of what people can go to and how they deal with their emotions and a situation...when you're pushed that's really what counts, in that moment when there's no pressure it's easy to perform more ideally imo. 2
yongyong Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 In American culture, this is perfectly accepted. Btw, he is kind of amateur to say that. he could just sleep with his ex and with you at the same time till you guys bring up being exclusive.
january2011 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 100% dealbreaker. I got burnt badly because my ex didn't let go of his ex and maintained a "friendship" with her. If someone is still in an FB relationship or multi-dating, then I consider them off-limits for dating me. I wouldn't even wait until the talk about exclusivity. I agree with Ninjainpajamas, this guy pulled out a disclaimer and is testing your boundaries so that he can cover his (a)ss. If it all goes south and you get butthurt, he can give you a self-righteous, "I told you so" and walk away with a clear conscience. Personally, I'd skip the drama and move on to someone else. 2
plastic Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 I think its fine as you guys are not serious. but its odd that he would bring that up...esp on a first date
haribogumsnickers Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 At least he's honest but I wouldn't advise you to expect anything long term unless he shows you he's worth it. Like Biggie said, "Some say that the ex, makes the sex spectacular".
Author curlygirl40 Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I went out with this guy another time. This time in our conversation he was talking about when he ended it with the last girl he dated for about 6 weeks. He said something about how he didn't need to keep her around for sex because 'I do o.k in that department'. Strike two. LOL He's so launched. Apparently he doesn't need to date if he's having sex with the ex and he 'does o.k in that department'. Or at least doesn't need to date this girl. Not something I'm willing to get myself in the middle of. Thanks for your opinions!!
kaylan Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I immediately friendzone someone or put them in the FWB column if they are still hung up on an ex. I wouldnt deal with someone whos still talking to their ex...let alone sleeping with them. Dunno that dude brought it up. Thats just dumb.
mysteryscape Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I've been there, it isn't worth it. Tell him you come to him free (meaning your are free, not cheap) and you expect the same. Otherwise get out!
mortensorchid Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Whoever said "Honesty is the best policy" never heard the expression "Ignorance is bliss". Because quite honestly, if I was out with someone I would not offer the fact that I was having sex with someone presently or in the recent past. But being that he said this, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. This guy is not a good person, despite the fact that he let this information slip. Or maybe it wasn't an accident? Ever consider he was trying to be cool in some way by letting you know this? Not too long ago I came across someone from the past on Facebook who wrote in his About Me section "5'11" very sexually active male who is into sex, camping, sex, Texas Hold 'em, sex, making POV videos with women in good shape who wear thongs." And the one and only update he put on Facebook said "What's on my mind? Meeting women in 2011 is on my mind!". Your guy sounds just as trashy as this one I am sighting as an example.
The Way I Am Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) Went on a first Match date last night with a guy who was married for 20 years and told me through conversation that for a long time after the divorce (2 years now) they still would get together and have sex. Does that mean he's still having sex with her or that he used to for 2 years after the divorce but isn't anymore? From this wording, I got the impression that it's the latter. But the rest of your post seems to ask about the former, so I'm a little confused about your question. I'll just answer both. No, I wouldn't keep dating someone who's currently having sex with their ex. If someone used to have sex with their ex after they were divorced but is not any longer and it's been a reasonable period since they have -- maybe at least a year -- I don't see a problem with that. It's relatively common. And yeah, it's REALLY odd that he mentioned that on the first date. That would make me think twice. Edited August 8, 2012 by The Way I Am
Sugarkane Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Why is this even a question? This guy screams of USER.
phineas Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 In American culture, this is perfectly accepted. Btw, he is kind of amateur to say that. he could just sleep with his ex and with you at the same time till you guys bring up being exclusive. I'd agree, far as any woman I meet on a date knows i've only had sex at least twice. (2 kids.) LOL! But I've known some top %10 guys to pull this off on a regular basis. Certain types of women consider it a challenge & will sleep with a guy quicker in order to "claim" him as her own. I've only told female "just friends" I wasn't dating stuff like this & it didn't deter them.
Leopard Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Well it's just the first date. Nothing is established so both of you can still do what you want. If things get more intimate and she doesn't stop sleeping with him by her own choice, then she isn't the kind of girl you want. OR, she just doesn't see you as worth stopping sex with another man. Either way, I would move on. When a woman truly likes you, she has eyes for no other man.
RiverRunning Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 It's going to be a dealbreaker. To me, it shows he's probably incapable of moving on from a past relationship. It shows he's not serious about getting serious with somebody else if he's still clinging to banging his ex-wife. Is it just about the sex with him? Who initiated the divorce? If he didn't initiate it especially, it's a done deal...don't ever see him again. I'd say he's still pining after her and the sex enables him to get close to her in some way. Like someone else said, if he had slept with his ex post-split but it had been a decent length of time since the relationship (in all respects) had ended, I would still go for it. But if he's still doing it while trying to date other people? Good luck, buddy. And from my experiences and those of people I know, if you pursue this relationship, it's sort of an unmentioned "I'm okay with your behavior" to him. Then watch if you try to bring it up later on when you try to get exclusive. He'll probably say something like, "But you knew I was doing this, so you can't just change on me now." If he tries to contact you again, I would tell him exactly why you're passing up on him. And I wouldn't listen to any pleas of, "But I won't sleep with her anymore!" and etc. Yes, he most likely will. Move on and save yourself the heartbreak. You can't go forward into the future if you're still clinging to the past.
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