Goldfsh79 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 So, it has been a month since my ex mm called me to say goodbye and good luck. Tomorrow the colleague I had talked to before and I have a meeting tomorrow where we are both going to present work related things together. He called me to check on a few things and in the process of our call today, he drops a bomb. He tells me he heard from ex mm that he initiated a divorce with his wife, one month after calling me. Im speechless. I'm not going to let this set me back even more, but I cant believe it.
Silly_Girl Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Keep on keeping on. Starting a divorce is a huge obstacle, but not even halfway to the finish line, and all manner of things can occur (or not!) in the meantime. Focus on you, I say. Have fun. Be smart. Build yourself the kind of life that if your friend/colleague had it, you'd be jealous!
jwi71 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Connecting the dots....it looks like he may have been fishing and, in fact, reaching out to you. Looking for a chance to be legitimate. It could also be a lie. We have no way of knowing. Or do you? I think you do. So, decision time. Do you wish to pursue the OM? Or do you wish to attempt to save the M? Choose wisely.... (you could also choose D and to NOT pursue OM)
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 So one day he's telling you to leave him alone, few days later the mutual friend, collegue tells you that exMM is divorcing. ?? Something's very off here. Your exMM told you he was married during that call and to leave to him alone.. The mutual friend has nothing better to do than to mix in your business and cause problems, so it seems. ExMM still ended it completely with you and he did not tell you about his D. Who knows if mutual friend is lying. Either way exMM has moved on and doesn't want you know his personal business otherwise he would have told you on the phone. What are YOUR plans about your own marriage? 1
herenow Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 So, it has been a month since my ex mm called me to say goodbye and good luck. Tomorrow the colleague I had talked to before and I have a meeting tomorrow where we are both going to present work related things together. He called me to check on a few things and in the process of our call today, he drops a bomb. He tells me he heard from ex mm that he initiated a divorce with his wife, one month after calling me. Im speechless. I'm not going to let this set me back even more, but I cant believe it. Why is this co-worker talking to you about MM? Does the co-worker know about the affair? Seems to me the co-worker is the one you should blame for your earlier set backs. He is the one who told MM that you were asking about him causing MM to call you. And now he is the keeping you in the loop about MM's personal life. If I were you I would tell this co-worker that you are not interested in MM and what he does. JMHO
Author Goldfsh79 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 So one day he's telling you to leave him alone, few days later the mutual friend, collegue tells you that exMM is divorcing. ?? Something's very off here. Your exMM told you he was married during that call and to leave to him alone.. The mutual friend has nothing better to do than to mix in your business and cause problems, so it seems. ExMM still ended it completely with you and he did not tell you about his D. Who knows if mutual friend is lying. Either way exMM has moved on and doesn't want you know his personal business otherwise he would have told you on the phone. What are YOUR plans about your own marriage? My ex mm called me a month ago, and our colleague just told me about the divorce today, said he just found out this week that it happened. Im beginning to think this colleague is bad news too.
Author Goldfsh79 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 I'm going to stay in my marriage and work on it. 1
herenow Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 My ex mm called me a month ago, and our colleague just told me about the divorce today, said he just found out this week that it happened. Im beginning to think this colleague is bad news too. You think?
jwi71 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 I'm going to stay in my marriage and work on it. And exactly how do you plan on "working on it" by hiding a rather pertinent fact from your H and your MC? Does that REALLY count as working on it? Not in my book. Because two of the involved parties are clueless (I presume) about your A. How can they address the M when neither of them know that you are, as of 30 days ago,in love with the man you had an A with? You aren't really addressing anything. There is this huge pink elephant and YOU keep ignoring it. We can't "blame" your H or MC because they don;t know to address it. Simply put, you are controlling BOTH of them. And you control them by not telling them. Control does not equate to healing. I'll tell you a secret. I didn't D my now xWW because she cheated. Nope. Sure didn't. I D her because she didn't change...oh. and she was lying still. Deception ends M's...not A's. The truth shall set you free is VERY true. Are you in IC as well? 1
Leelou Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 So, it has been a month since my ex mm called me to say goodbye and good luck. Tomorrow the colleague I had talked to before and I have a meeting tomorrow where we are both going to present work related things together. He called me to check on a few things and in the process of our call today, he drops a bomb. He tells me he heard from ex mm that he initiated a divorce with his wife, one month after calling me. Im speechless. I'm not going to let this set me back even more, but I cant believe it. I don't know your history with the xMM but I'm thinking he was unhappy with living a deceitful, two-timing life and not only ended it with you because you were the OW, but with his W so that he can put all the things not working for him in this life out of his life, to start afresh and anew and live 'right'. I'd feel like that too. A cheating MM is seeking something outside of his M, perhaps for purely selfish reasons, or because he feels something lacking. So he manages to get the M to limp along, with the support of a wonderful OW. Then he feels messed up if the OW demands more from him, or if he feels immoral, or his conscience begins to plague him. So he cuts ties with OW, and not long after that, cuts his limping M which has become a dead weight without his OW supporting him.
Author Goldfsh79 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 What I do know is he wasnt happy with her, but felt he had to try to save his marriage. Kind of like an obligational duty. I am in IC. My counselor knows of the affair. She doesnt think I should tell my H. She said if i know it wont happen again and love my H then to just work through it with her. I think telling him though may help. I dont know.
Gotti25 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Being in a short affair myself I can't say much! But I came forward to my H right when the affair started I couldn't live with myself hiding things from him so I confessed! Another scenario happend again but i wont go into details I confessed again! OP I know is your problem but seriously you need to let your H know what you are doing. You don't seam to try to work on your marriage your so infatuated with your xMM life seams like is the only thing you care for is the xMM! you never mention your poor husband in this? You sound very selfish and only care for your own feelings!
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 What I do know is he wasnt happy with her, but felt he had to try to save his marriage. Kind of like an obligational duty. I am in IC. My counselor knows of the affair. She doesnt think I should tell my H. She said if i know it wont happen again and love my H then to just work through it with her. I think telling him though may help. I dont know. Most therapists will advise their clients not to tell their spouses. Why? Because the T is being paid by you to help YOU. He/she isn't a marriage counsellor, and isn't going to advise you to tell because your H isn't her client. I suggest you seek a new therapist, one who is a marriage counsellor, and then when the time is right, bring your husband. 1
Summer Breeze Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I'm going to stay in my marriage and work on it. Come clean with your H. The last thing you want to have happen now is for you to concentrate on the M and all of a sudden Mr London MM has a trip here and does something you don't expect. Don't assume you're bulletproof.
Summer Breeze Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 What I do know is he wasnt happy with her, but felt he had to try to save his marriage. Kind of like an obligational duty. I am in IC. My counselor knows of the affair. She doesnt think I should tell my H. She said if i know it wont happen again and love my H then to just work through it with her. I think telling him though may help. I dont know. I just wrote that you may think you're bulletproof but what if he shows up and something happens. My other comment. My view is that if a WS comes clean and admits without the help of a dday it looks better for them. It means they are remorseful and have ended it. If you wait till a dday the impression is you're still hiding sometime and your remorse is nothing but a reaction to being caught. Tell your H. 1
jwi71 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Most therapists will advise their clients not to tell their spouses. Why? Because the T is being paid by you to help YOU. He/she isn't a marriage counsellor, and isn't going to advise you to tell because your H isn't her client. I suggest you seek a new therapist, one who is a marriage counsellor, and then when the time is right, bring your husband. This. There is a HUGE difference between IC (for you) and MC (for you AND H). It's a great start to be in IC. It really is. But IC is NOT working on your M. It's working on you. Again, your H is oblivious to the crisis in his life, his W and M. Your IC, as WWIU states, has a single goal: you. Your H is secondary. And that's exactly how it should be. An IC has the legal, ethical and moral obligation to place your needs above all others. And the advice to not tell is 100% accurate and correct in this light. It is (or may be) best for you. Clearly it's not in your H's best interest. An MC will, IME and based on some extensive online and in forum experience/research, will push for disclosure. Because an MC must consider what is best for the M (both parties). And yes, there are exceptions. In conclusion, you are NOT working on your M. You cannot be - to work on an M BOTH partners must equivalent information and equal efforts. This is not the case in your M. You are working on you. Which is great. But it does little to help your M. But I would suggest you add an MC. And yes, the MC WILL ask. Keep posting though. This is a long journey and you haven't even begun it...
woinlove Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 This. There is a HUGE difference between IC (for you) and MC (for you AND H). It's a great start to be in IC. It really is. But IC is NOT working on your M. It's working on you. Again, your H is oblivious to the crisis in his life, his W and M. Your IC, as WWIU states, has a single goal: you. Your H is secondary. And that's exactly how it should be. An IC has the legal, ethical and moral obligation to place your needs above all others. And the advice to not tell is 100% accurate and correct in this light. It is (or may be) best for you. Clearly it's not in your H's best interest. An MC will, IME and based on some extensive online and in forum experience/research, will push for disclosure. Because an MC must consider what is best for the M (both parties). And yes, there are exceptions. In conclusion, you are NOT working on your M. You cannot be - to work on an M BOTH partners must equivalent information and equal efforts. This is not the case in your M. You are working on you. Which is great. But it does little to help your M. But I would suggest you add an MC. And yes, the MC WILL ask. Keep posting though. This is a long journey and you haven't even begun it... I'm not sure it is in the person's best interests - it does depend on how important honesty and personal integrity is to them and what level of intimacy they desire and need. I wonder how many ICs would counsel the same for friendship - continue the friendship while hiding the fact that you had an affair with your friend's husband. I suspect for someone who valued honesty and authenticity in friendships, the counsellor would advise to either let the friend go so one did not have to put on a false persona or confess.
jwi71 Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I'm not sure it is in the person's best interests - I 100% agree - I tend to think its not in their best interests as well. it does depend on how important honesty and personal integrity is to them and what level of intimacy they desire and need. I wonder how many ICs would counsel the same for friendship - continue the friendship while hiding the fact that you had an affair with your friend's husband. I suspect for someone who valued honesty and authenticity in friendships, the counsellor would advise to either let the friend go so one did not have to put on a false persona or confess. More agreement from me. It's a great question for the OP. How important is honesty and integrity to you?
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