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Do I have GIGS? Should we break up? Can I love him again?

Niner9

By Niner9
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Ninja'sHusband Established Member

Ninja'sHusband

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If this letter is meant as a definitive letter of parting, then I would re-word and shy away from so many of the "i need more than X", "it's not fair for me to ask you to change X", "we talked about Y and you said you would change..."

 

He needs to hear definitively why you are unhappy, that you don't want to work on the relationship any more, that you are not "in love" any more, do not want to get married in the future, and want to move on and deserve to find your own happiness.

 

Blunt, can sting... but won't draw this out nearly as long. If I was your boyfriend reading that letter, it makes it sound as if you are merely threatening to leave based on all the things that I haven't done. He will more than likely freak out and go into a short lived rambo mode to prove to you that he can change and once things have settled down, revert back to life as usual. If you truly want to end this, then it needs to be communicated in a definitive manner with no hope at recourse.

 

I see that you're trying to "let him down easy", but there is no such thing in ending a long term relationship. It needs to be a hard, clean break.

 

I don't agree with this. I think the lines saying "it's not fair for me to ask you to change" are very good lines.

 

If it's a parting letter I do think you should be very clear on that. If I was receiving this I think I would feel 75% sure it was a parting letter.

 

I thought the letter was pretty good generally.

 

The worst thing is to stay and then have it break up soo much further down the road. Yuck.

 

And I've been lurking on Match.com. I notice a LOT of women wanting men with ambition, drive, being self fulfilled, etc. I find it interesting.

 

I guess there's a sweet spot between, "Work-a-holic ignores family" and "boring slob". Or maybe you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

 

 

Oh and is GIGS "Grass is greener" or...what?

Edited by Ninja'sHusband
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Niner9 Member

Niner9

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I guess I didn't fully understand what GIGS was, maybe the grass is greener on the otherside without him? Can that be a thing? :) No, there isn't anyone else and I think that if this doesn't work out I'll make a point of staying single for awhile.

 

I don't plan on giving him the letter anytime soon, or ever depending on how our next talk goes. If I do give it to him I will definitely make some changes based on the feedback here. I don't want to hurt him or put him down, but I want him to understand why I'm not happy. You're all right when you say it's unclear or open ended, but I guess that's because I'm still not sure what I want out of all of this :(

 

Because of work / travel / other we haven't seen each other much this week. We did send a few emails and agreed that we have to talk about our relationship. That's another problem, we have no way to talk unless it's in person or over email. No IM, no cell, he hates voice calls....

 

In the emails I asked him to think about what he wants out of life, if he's happy in this relationship, what would make him happier or improve things. He said he has noticed that things have changed and wants everything to go back to how they were. I also asked him to think about why they changed.

 

I know this week he's been looking into picking up a few extra shifts (I don't know if he will actually do it, he was really against it before) and has been looking into joining a recreational sports team to meet friends. I've been suggesting the sports thing to him for at least a year, I bought him guitar lessons that he never used, I told him anything he wanted to do that I'd help him or pay for it if he needed it. He never does anything on his own - concerts, movies, day at the zoo, shopping - it's only ever with me, or me and my friends.

 

He's only doing these things now to make this whole uncomfortable situation go away, not because he wants to work more than part time, not because he has a goal of getting hired on as a full time employee, not because he wants to learn or do fun things. Putting in this little bit of effort will make things "go back to how they were."

 

Is it too much to expect my partner to have the desire for a fulfilling career, to have hobbies and interests and activites that are his and independent from things that I do or want to do?

Marcy33309 Member

Marcy33309

Posted
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Is it too much to expect my partner to have the desire for a fulfilling career, to have hobbies and interests and activites that are his and independent from things that I do or want to do?

 

No. Those are good expectations of a life partner -- just not your current partner.

 

I just read a book and in it the author said:

"We had a relationship without a plan. Well, that’s not entirely true; I had a plan and he had a plan but we never bothered to figure out how the two would coexist because two different plans for the same relationship can’t possibly coexist."

 

Apparently your relationship doesn't have a collective plan. You have a plan and he has a plan (of sorts) and well...you can't make him someone he isn't. You can't wish or will him into being what you want him to be.

And honestly (forgive me if I'm wrong) I think you're already done with this relationship and the rest is just logistics. It doesn't matter how your talk goes or how the letter is received. Deep down...or not so deep down...I think you know you're already gone.

Edited by Marcy33309
my copy paste didn't go so well :P
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Niner9 Member

Niner9

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Sometimes I feel 100% that I'm done and that I'll break up with him, and that's what's best for both of us.

 

Other times I think it's crazy, and that I'm lucky to have a guy who is no-nonsense, doesn't cheat, is easy to live with, and loves me and accepts me.

 

But then I feel guilty about considering breaking up, and then I think he deserves someone who loves him 100% and doesn't have these feelings that I do.

 

:(

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Other times I think it's crazy, and that I'm lucky to have a guy who is no-nonsense, doesn't cheat, is easy to live with, and loves me and accepts me.

 

 

 

:(

 

I have a Golden-Doodle that is the same way. Doesn't mean I have any passion or sexual feelings for him or want to marry him and have him be the father of my children.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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But then I feel guilty about considering breaking up, and then I think he deserves someone who loves him 100% and doesn't have these feelings that I do.

 

:(

 

If he isn't satisfying you and you realize he is not "the one" then all you are doing is tying the both of you up when you each could be moving on. There is some truth in that.

 

However dumping someone is always about you and your dissatisfaction, it's not really doing the other person any favors. Don't make it about doing him any favors. He isn't the kind of person that you want....period.

 

As I assume I said earlier in the thread, dating is an interview and tryout period to determine if the other person is "the one" or not. you have given him his interview and his tryout and from the sounds of it you do not believe he is the one that should get the position.

 

Doesn't mean he's a bad person or won't be good for someone else and it doesn't mean that you are bad or doing anything wrong. It just means that you have spent time together and have gotten to know each well enough to make a decision on if you want to marry and produce offspring together or not and it sounds like that answer is no.

 

In this culture choosing your mate is your birthright. Is this who you choose?

 

If the answer is no then each passing day that you chew your nails and twiddle your thumbs is a day that is tied up that could have been spent moving foward with each of your own lives.

 

Do you need another day to decide if he is the one or not? Do you need another date to get to know each other better?

the ill-made knight Established Member

the ill-made knight

Posted
Posted
Sometimes I feel 100% that I'm done and that I'll break up with him, and that's what's best for both of us.

 

Other times I think it's crazy, and that I'm lucky to have a guy who is no-nonsense, doesn't cheat, is easy to live with, and loves me and accepts me.

 

But then I feel guilty about considering breaking up, and then I think he deserves someone who loves him 100% and doesn't have these feelings that I do.

 

:(

 

This kept me from breaking up with my ex for a very long time, but if you have to try to reason with yourself as to why not to break up with him then you should. When it's the right person, leaving is never an option.

notrick New Member

notrick

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I could have written your original post, and a lot of the ones which followed. I'm going through hell over it, just as I'm sure you are. I'll bet a dime or more that you fell in love with him when you were both on your ways up and working toward goals, but he abandoned his and didn't really find new ones, or set his own bar too low for your respect. (Do I win my dime?)

 

Other times I think it's crazy, and that I'm lucky to have a guy who is no-nonsense, doesn't cheat, is easy to live with, and loves me and accepts me.

 

You seem to feel lucky for having what most people would call the bare minimum in a relationship. Are there other reasons you want to stay? You can find this in almost any decent person.

 

But then I feel guilty about considering breaking up, and then I think he deserves someone who loves him 100% and doesn't have these feelings that I do.

I really understand, from first hand and immediate experience, how hard this is. If you are unhappy in this relationship, you must go regardless. You can try to fix it, if this is possible, certainly. If that isn't working -- for you -- then it's time to go, no matter how much a monster you feel over it.

Edited by notrick
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Niner9 Member

Niner9

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Notrick, you do win the dime. It wasn't clear in my mind until I read what you wrote, but you're totally right.

 

What did you do? What are you going to do? I wish I had the PM function.

 

I, too, am losing my mind over this. I want to go, I need to go. But I don't want to leave the happy relationship we had, it was really really special. If there's a chance to save it, I want that. I want to keep what we had, and make it even more amazing. I want to be in love with him again.

 

But, right now, I don't love him anymore. I don't know if I changed, or if I see him differently now, or how it happened.

 

He doesn't want to explore counseling, and honestly, I really just think he would shut down and go along with whatever the therapist said.

 

I'm totally stuck.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

Posted
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I haven't read all the responses, but I'd say, since you are not married and have no children, it's time to move on. This relationship has run its course, and if you're feeling that unenamoured with him at this point, don't waste more years of your life with someone you don't feel happy/excited/interested in being around. Cut your losses and move on.

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Niner9 Member

Niner9

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I know how ridiculous this is going to sound before I even say it - but - I don't know how to break up with him. I was a teenager the last time I broke up with someone, it wasn't a serious relationship. How do you end a serious relationship? I know my life is complicated, I can't even IMAGINE how people who are married and have kids and joint finances do it.

 

I know it wouldn't be any easier this way, but it would be so much clearer if I could say "I'm breaking up with you because you cheated/you're mean/whatever."

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

Posted
Posted
I know how ridiculous this is going to sound before I even say it - but - I don't know how to break up with him. I was a teenager the last time I broke up with someone, it wasn't a serious relationship. How do you end a serious relationship? I know my life is complicated, I can't even IMAGINE how people who are married and have kids and joint finances do it.

 

I know it wouldn't be any easier this way, but it would be so much clearer if I could say "I'm breaking up with you because you cheated/you're mean/whatever."

Tell him you need to have a talk. Tell him you're feeling there is something missing in your relationship, and you're feeling out of sorts about it right now. Tell him you're thinking of going to spend some time alone for awhile to sort out your feelings and try to come to terms with the uncertainty you're feeling about your relationship. Tell him you're going to make plans to live elsewhere for awhile so you can sort out your feelings about the relationship. Then do it. If he cries, begs and pleads for you to stay, tell him you don't want to hurt him, but you have to resolve this feeling you have that something is not right in your relationship, and spending some time apart will help you to resolve your feelings one way or another.

 

You may find you miss him and appreciate him more after leaving. Maybe not. But I think you owe it to yourself not to stay in a relationship you are feeling so unfulfilled in. If you were married or had children, my advice would be different, but you are not obligated to stay with this man. You made no promises to him for the long term, and you have no children to consider in this, so go ahead and break it off by suggesting spending some time apart. Of course, you risk losing him permanently if you do this, but if he's not the man you want in a long term partner, then you need to have the guts to change it, in as gentle a way as possible.

notrick New Member

notrick

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If you want to leave, then it's time to leave. You may feel like you need a good reason which any jury will agree with, especially after so many years, but the truth is that you do not need any reason whatsoever, never will need one.

 

You seem to be trying to convince yourself that it's okay to leave. Why leave? Well, why stay? If you need an answer to leave, not having a compelling reason to stay is a good one.

 

Or pretend it's been ten more years and you stayed with him out of guilt, fear, all that. How do you feel about your decision ten years ago?

 

To answer your question, I spent a long time trying to reconnect, trying to rekindle my feelings, trying to just come to terms with it, trying to nudge her in certain directions without getting judgmental. Hasn't worked. A lot of it's undermined by the same lack of interest in her that it's meant to bring back. Silly of me, isn't it. What will I do? Hopefully take my own advice. Even if it means leaving a wonderful person.

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