Do I have GIGS? Should we break up? Can I love him again?

August 1, 2012

Please help me - I really need some advice and input. I'm totally lost, I feel like my life is a mess and I have no one to talk to.

And before I even get into it let me put this out there - I feel very guilty for feeling this way about a guy who loves me and is so great. I do feel ungrateful for what I have and I do want to work to change if I can. So the abusive LSers out there be aware - I know what you're going to say already.

My questions are:

Do you think this relationship can be saved, or is worth saving?
If yes, What can I do to save it?
Please also give me any thoughts, stories or advice you think are relevant.

Here's the background:

Been with my guy for 8 years, living together for 6. Not married, but it is a serious, committed relationship. We're both 27, no kids. For the first 5-6 years I loved him without question, though some of the frustrations I have now were present then. Now I am questioning my love for him, our compatibility and our future together. I can't talk about it with any of my friends (most are mutual) and my family would be heartbroken (and they don't really give very good advice anyway.)

The Good:

He treats me well.
He loves me and would never leave me.
He is reliable.
He's neat and tidy, and not annoying to live with or spend time with.
My family loves him (his family thinks I'm just OK.)
He's not a loser* (see alternate point below)
He makes an effort to do what I need or want him to do** (see alternate point below)

The Bad:

He locks up and can't communicate with me. I suspect this is why we've never had a fight.
- For example, our sex life has been dying (I have been trying, I swear, and I do it out of duty as much as I can.) He has noticed, and it does bother him, but he won't ask WHY. And I know it's not just on him to ask why, but I don't want to bring it up yet until I know how. If I just jump to it, and say "look, we have a problem, let's talk about it" he'll shut down and avoid it and it will get worse. But it's getting worse now so I guess there's really no difference......

He's not ambitious - he is happy to just be average, not motivated to push for more, doesn't want more from life.* (see point above.)
- For example, he went to school, finished a program and couldn't get a job in his field because he didn't try hard enough.
- Went back to school to another program (totally unrelated to his original career) and is now content to work part-time (but at least in his field.) He has student loans, I have student loans, we don't have a car and we rent our home. We don't have kids and there is no reason he can't work full-time. He just won't seek out the full time hours because he makes enough to pay his bills and that's good enough for him.
- I am very ambitious and have put a lot of work into (and reaped many rewards from) my career

Everything he's done in his life has been because it was my idea
- For example moving from his hometown, getting a joe-job when he couldn't get something in his field, moving to a bigger city to look for a job in his field, eventually going back to school because he couldn't find a job in his field and it had been almost 5 years since he graduated.
- Please don't get the idea that I am controlling and boss him around. I do push him to do things, but if he had an ambition of his own I would encourage and support that (even if I didn't agree with it.)

He has no friends, hobbies and isn't interesting
- No, he's not depressed.
- When I met him he had friends to do things with, hobbies he enjoyed. He went to parties and was interesting
- He doesn't read the news, doesn't care about new technologies (won't get a smartphone, for example), doesn't read books, doesn't know or care about pop culture
- I haven't introduced him to my new coworkers (I took a new job 4 months ago) because I'm new and it's too much pressure to get to know my coworkers in social situations AND carry his weight through conversations. I'm embarrassed to have him ask about current events or things of common knowledge.

Worst of all, I feel like I don't respect him any more.

Other thoughts and problems:

If he asked me to marry him right now I'd probably say no. But I know that wouldn't happen because I haven't given him the idea that I want to get married. Maybe I am negative, but I don't think this is a decision he'd make on his own, because I don't think he has it in him to 1. want something and 2. go for it
Right now I feel like I don't want to get married or have kids. I don't know if that's because *I* actually don't want to get married or have kids, or if I just don't want that with him. Sometimes I think that if I had a strong man - someone able to make decisions, had an opinion on what's best for the relationship or family, someone who wanted those things with me, then I would want them with him.
I will fully admit that I am afraid of being alone. I know that's not a reason to stay, I know it's not fair to keep him around because of that. Yes, I'm a coward, etc etc. There's something else for the abusive LSers to beat me with, go for it, I already know it's not right. We've been together for the majority of our adult lives.

What do I want?

To love him like I used to, or learn how to love him as he should be loved
To be happy an unquestioning in our relationship
To be inspired by and supported by my partner
If those are not possible, I want to have the courage and strength to break up.

I'll do my best to answer all your questions and to reply to your posts. I'm a long time lurker and I hate it when the OP abandons a thread

August 1, 2012

On the positive side, you sound like a very self aware person. On the ...more difficult side, your situation is definitely in a "gray area", so I don't know if even with all the info you posted, anyone will be able to tell you if:

A)you're settling

OR

B) your being an unrealistic jerk.

My guess is deep inside YOU know though....

If someone put a gun to your head and told you you HAD to break up with him, QUICKLY, what is your first emotion, relief ? or tremendous sadness ?

If he had his OWN list and wanted to end things with you, again, relief, or pain ?

Ideally you two could talk about all of this stuff, but I know and have known many men that just lose it at the idea of having a long, deep, relationship dialogue.

Probably the BEST thing for you to do in this situation, is see a counselor one on one for just a few visits and really listen to YOURSELF talk. My first marriage was to a sweetheart of an alcoholic, non functioning guy, and I needed individual therapy to hear MYSELF give myself permission to leave ( This was after joint counseling, many rehabs etc)

BTW, thanks for not being a thread abandoner, hate those ! Good luck and welcome to LS !

August 1, 2012

Thanks Melody. I've been thinking a lot about counselling, definitely a good idea.

August 1, 2012

Do you feel like he's your best friend? If I had to point to one thing that made me finally realize my relationship was not going to work out, that was it.

Here's a book you might find interesting, I never made it the whole way through so I can't completely vouch for it but it might help you.

August 1, 2012

Best friend.... for years, yes, but now? Hmm I don't know.

I think of the other two friends I talk to frequently and they have insight to share on problems I'm having. My guy is a great listener, but he doesn't have any comment or help or similar experiences.

It's something for me to think about, for sure. Thanks.

August 1, 2012

I tried to edit my post but was too late.

I just want to add that yes, I do plan to talk to him on about this on the weekend. I just need a few days to gather my thoughts and get some other opinions on the situation.

On Tuesday he is leaving for a vacation to visit family. I think having this talk, and then some time apart, is a good idea.

August 2, 2012

There a guy at your new work that you think about/text? Maybe this new guy makes you smile?

August 2, 2012

quite frankly if you are looking at it this rationally and able to make all these rationale points about it, I'd say you are probably working real hard to justify moving on and are just fishing for other people to back it up.

I don't know if this is a GIGS case and even if it is, you have lost respect for him and don't value him as a man and a life-partner and that is a critical thing that you have to have to make a LTR/marriage work .

That doesn't mean that he isn't a good person, it doesn't mean that you haven't had some wonderfull times together and doesn't mean that you didn't sincerely love and honor him at one time....you just simply don't now.

My guess is both of you have always felt this was a temporary, for-fun relationship otherwise you would have gotten married by now. Deep down you have probably been holding out for someone who is more driven and ambitious and he has been holding out for someone more laid-back and low-key.

It's just a matter of time before some real estate mogul in an Italian suit and a 65 hr work week catches your heart and just a matter of time before some Earth-momma comes along that thinks he is just the $h!t and they take off to live on the road in a VW van.

It's better to do this now while you have no legal obligations or kids to deal with when the split inevitably comes.

I do however urge you to seek the counseling first BEFORE addressing this with him, even if it is just for a session or two. This is to help you organize your thoughts and identify your feelings and your objectives in this matter.

You do have feelings for him and probably always will to one degree or another and he will probably always have some feelings for you. If you can address this in an organized and effective manner it can help decrease some of the pain and chaos that this will bring to both of you.

Edited August 2, 2012 by oldshirt

August 2, 2012

I'm going to try to avoid telling my situation here but suffice it to say that I hear a lot of my STBXW in your post. My wife was highly motivated. From my perspective, nothing was ever good enough for her. As for me, I am not so driven. She would say similar things that you did (although I'm not as extreme as your BF). I would say that I tend to be happy with a decent life and I'm not obsessed with having "more." Anyway, the discrepancies in our priorities and how viewed ourselves and each other might be helpful. If you want to make a connection with your man over the long haul, there's no question that you will need to empathize more with his point of view.

It's also apparent to me that you need him to empathize more with your point of view. You've made it clear he clams up on the relationship conversations. Again, not to focus on me, but my wife would say I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say or wasn't ready to change. I say that was complete nonsense. She never once mentioned that she had been unhappy for years. Instead of telling me about it, she had a year-long affair, gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, said she thought we needed to separate, listed all of my problems, and then said she needed time and space to decide but that it was probably too late. Lovely. It took me three weeks before I discovered her affair. The point is that, in the meantime, I addressed every single freakin' issue she raised. I quit smoking, started exercising, agreed to counseling, read books, became more involved with the family decisions (finances, vacations, etc). You name it, I got to work on it. To be brief, after I discovered her affair she felt stupid (her word) for not talking to me about what she needed.

Men are not perceptive about this stuff. You can't switch to 2% milk from whole milk and think that we understand that we need to lose weight. Or mention some Oprah episode and expect that I'm going to find it on the DVR and realize it's your signal that our relationship is about to fail. She ultimately referred to them as softball attempts. Maybe women read those signals but men don't get "it" until you beat us over the head with it.

What I suggest is that you have a VERY clear and direct conversation with your BF about how this relationship is not working for you and that you are considering leaving it. I suggest it goes very much like our original post. Give him some flat out honesty. I guarantee that he thinks you are his best friend. But instead of confiding your innermost thoughts with him, you are doing it with others. If one of them is a man, you'll be in trouble before you know it. If you truly care for this man, lay it on the line. Give him a real chance to respond. Let him show you that he can change when he realizes how important it is to you. Then you do your part.

And yes, couples counseling is a great place to encourage him to open up and to do it in a safe environment.

For what it's worth, your list of challenges don't sound irreparable (yet). If you make the effort and nothing happens of consequence, I think you can leave in good conscience. Right now he doesn't know he needs to be fighting for his life in this relationship. Especially if the sex life is decent, he likely thinks things are great. If you go now, he will feel blindsided. Give the guy a chance by actually being honest with him. Make your connection with him, not your friends. Your problems are relatively normal relationship problems that can be fixed. Finding your way thru these challenges is what truly makes for a happy long-term relationship and what makes it a beautiful and special thing. It ain't easy and it's not for the fickle. I'm not hearing about physical/emotional abuse, alcohol or substance abuse, cheating or any of the usual dealbreakers. I've seen a million women with men who give their women whatever they want only to later discover that that's not what the woman wants. The man is then punished for giving it all to her as the woman now no longer "respects" him.

I'm rambling now so I will stop. Hopefully my point came across somewhere. You have to be direct, he sounds like someone that deserves a shot at fixing his part (it's common to become complacent), and you can probably come his direction as well.

I wish you luck.

August 2, 2012

FryFish - No, there isn't anyone else. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, but I don't have my attention focused elsewhere. It is a good thing to consider, though, so thank you.

Oldshirt - I agree with you, sometimes I do feel like I'm trying to put together a solid case to break up. But othertimes, thinking about this makes me so so sad and I want to fix things and feel the way I used to about us and our relationship. Thanks for the rest of your answer too - I find comfort in that, if things don't work out.

BetrayedH - Thank you so much for your insight from the other side. I'm sorry about what happened to you and that it didn't work out (though I'm sure you're better off.) I have a better idea now on how to approach this on the weekend. I do worry that he will agree with what I ask, but then do nothing to change, it's happened before. It's a way for him to avoid the conversation and to keep things the same.

Last night he was talking to a mutual friend of ours who lives in our old city on the phone. It's the first time in ages I've heard him talking and laughing with someone else (who wasn't me) in ages. I wonder if he'd move back if we broke up. He has lots of friends in other cities, but in almost 4 years here he still has no one. It makes me so sad.

August 4, 2012

Men are not perceptive about this stuff. You can't switch to 2% milk from whole milk and think that we understand that we need to lose weight. Or mention some Oprah episode and expect that I'm going to find it on the DVR and realize it's your signal that our relationship is about to fail. She ultimately referred to them as softball attempts. Maybe women read those signals but men don't get "it" until you beat us over the head with it.

That is frick'n awesome! If men came with instruction manuals, that would like to be the first paragraph in big bold letters.

August 5, 2012

That is frick'n awesome! If men came with instruction manuals, that would like to be the first paragraph in big bold letters.

Maybe I should be dating men.

Niner, please give an update after your weekend. Hope it goes well.

August 5, 2012

My personal take (because I'm old, and have been there).

You are both young, and got together a while ago, when you were even younger. People change as the decades inch along. When there are no kids on whom to focus, it becomes glaringly evident when partners grow apart - ESPECIALLY in their 20s. Values change. Friends change. Ambitions change. Jobs change. Sometimes, both partners match each other, step by changing step. Sometimes, they don't.

It sounds like you both now have different values. You want more out of life; he does not. Do not use the "fear of being alone" as your sole motivator to avoid rocking the boat! I felt the exact same things you felt, but a decade later. It was VERY hard to end up alone at 40, but I would not trade that experience for anything else in this world. Like your boyfriend, my hubby didn't see anything wrong with the marriage, had no interest in counselling, and thought that spending 8 hours a day (after work) playing EverQuest online with his buddies was a way to live. Even after I said, "Uh, YO! Not cool!" he persisted.

I'm not suggesting that you dump him, but you definitely need to read him the riot act so that he knows, very clearly, that you are NOT happy. Whatever happens next will be up to you and him.

Edited August 5, 2012 by It's Just Me

August 6, 2012

OK so we talked last night. Or well.... I talked, then we sat in silence, I talked again, and so on

I started off by talking about the changes and moves we've made in life, and then about how they've all been because of me, and I asked what he wanted out of life now that we've made it this far. He didn't really understand, and he said that things are fine the way they are and he's OK with life as it is.

So I said that there is still so much more to life - he must want something? To get a full time / permanent job at a place that he thinks is great? To pay off his loans, to save for a house? To travel, learn something new, find friends in this city..... I wanted to say, get married? Have kids? But I didn't want him to think that this is what I'm upset about, this isn't because I want to get married and have kids.

And he didn't really say anything about any of that.

So after sitting in silence for awhile, I asked him if he is happy here - he has no friends, no life. And that I sometimes think that he'd be better off in a city with his family, or a city where he has friends. At that point he asked if we were "calling it quits." I said I didn't know, but that I want to work on it, I want him to be happy.

So the rest of last night was just kind of awkward, we came home, watched TV and went to bed.

I'm leaving tonight for work and he's leaving tomorrow morning to spend a week with family. Before I leave I'm going to ask him to think about the relationship while he's gone - if he's happy with this relationship, how we can work to get things back to where they were.

I don't know how to tell him what's wrong - "I'm not happy because you have no life or ambition" doesn't seem right somehow. If he's happy with no friends, and he's making enough to pay his share of the bills, that should be OK, right?

I don't know what to do or how to do it.

August 7, 2012

OK so we talked last night. Or well.... I talked, then we sat in silence, I talked again, and so on

I started off by talking about the changes and moves we've made in life, and then about how they've all been because of me, and I asked what he wanted out of life now that we've made it this far. He didn't really understand, and he said that things are fine the way they are and he's OK with life as it is.

So I said that there is still so much more to life - he must want something? To get a full time / permanent job at a place that he thinks is great? To pay off his loans, to save for a house? To travel, learn something new, find friends in this city..... I wanted to say, get married? Have kids? But I didn't want him to think that this is what I'm upset about, this isn't because I want to get married and have kids.

And he didn't really say anything about any of that.

So after sitting in silence for awhile, I asked him if he is happy here - he has no friends, no life. And that I sometimes think that he'd be better off in a city with his family, or a city where he has friends. At that point he asked if we were "calling it quits." I said I didn't know, but that I want to work on it, I want him to be happy.

So the rest of last night was just kind of awkward, we came home, watched TV and went to bed.

I'm leaving tonight for work and he's leaving tomorrow morning to spend a week with family. Before I leave I'm going to ask him to think about the relationship while he's gone - if he's happy with this relationship, how we can work to get things back to where they were.

I don't know how to tell him what's wrong - "I'm not happy because you have no life or ambition" doesn't seem right somehow. If he's happy with no friends, and he's making enough to pay his share of the bills, that should be OK, right?

I don't know what to do or how to do it.

I think you'd like it if you were ok with him having no ambition but the fact is, you're not ok with it. This is why you are here. If you choose to suck it up, iu will build up unresolved resentment and that will kill a marriage.

Again, I think you have to be more direct. Be specific about what you want and need from life. I think this conversation was a good start and giving him time to reflect is a good idea, too. I'm sorry he didn't give you replies immediately but the ball is now in his court. See how he responds when he returns. Don't be optimistic or pessimistic. If he returns and wants to work on things, I recommend you get the book, His Needs, Her Needs. And start marriage counseling so you can get him to open up.

August 7, 2012

I don't know how to tell him what's wrong - "I'm not happy because you have no life or ambition" doesn't seem right somehow. If he's happy with no friends, and he's making enough to pay his share of the bills, that should be OK, right?

I don't know what to do or how to do it.

That's kind of making it about him and how he is not catering to you and it's blaming him for his shortcomings.

This is really about YOU though isn't it? It's about you wanting more out of life and you wanting to go places and do things. In essence it's about you wanting "more."

If you want to do this without being a beotch don't attack him about what you see as his failings and shortcomings. Instead of asking him about what his dreamings are and then penalizing him because it isn't the right answer and what you want to hear, approach it from what you want in life and where you want to go and what you want from a partner in life.

He will likely not get the message and understand that you want more than what he is capable of providing so that is when you will have to hit him over the head with it and say, "I just don't think we have compatable life-goals and lifestyles anymore. I think we would both better off moving on and finding other people that we are more compatable with."

He won't agree with you or share your outlook but it only takes one person to break up.

If you make it about him and what you see as his shortcomings, he will promise to change and will work on trying to make more money and this isn't really about the money is it? You are looking for a person that has internal drive and initiative and personal creativity. Those are not physical tasks that people perform and accomplish. Those are internal character traits and a person either has them or they don't.

So basically this isn't that he is a bad person or has done anything wrong or committed any fouls. This is that he simply isn't the "type" of person that you want to be with anymore. So don't make it about him and his shortcomings. Make it about you and what you want to pursue in life.

Then when he wants to tag along and ride on your shirttails, that's when you have to get strong and go into bitch-mode and say, "sorry."

August 7, 2012

Yes what OP is really trying to say is "My boyfriend doesn't make enough money.

Here is a way for Niner to determine is she is simply a golddigger and wants him to make more money and have a sugar-daddy.

So question for Niner - What would make you feel happier, more compatable and have more respect and admiration for him. If he -

- (A) was very driven, had lots of initiative and creativity and was up before dawn every day out busting his ass to better himself and improve your lives but wasn't making a dime?

or (B) happened to have a very well paying job (or trust fund, or settlement, or inheritance etc) and had lots of money but was still a lazy, couch-sitting slug that had no motivation, no initiative and no drive to improve himself or your lives together?

Where I am going with this is some women are attracted to actual money and if the money is there, they are OK with the guys that come along with it.

For many other women the actual dollar sign doesn't mean that much but they are very attracted to people who are very motivated to improve their lot in life and are very attracted to people who are ambitious and driven and are very creative and looking for ways to better themselves.

In other words some women are turned on by the actual dollar and don't really care about the man. And some women are turned on by the mans qualities and traits and just figure the dollars will eventually come.

August 7, 2012

Hmmm. You are definitely in a quandary. I'll give my perspective from someone who is the ambitious type that you seem to be looking for...then might miss your ex.

First, you guys have been together since the age of 19 it sounds like, so what you have going against you is the fact that there's simply no way you could have experienced the gamut of types of men out there to find out who you are most compatible with.

The pro's you list about your boyfriend are positive attributes that should not be overlooked.

The "Bad": Let's take a look at these...

1) Locks up and doesn't communicate. You're going to find this a problem with most men in general. Sometimes shutting down for awhile to "work things out" in a guys head is much better than a hot tempered person like myself to snaps and says things that are hurtful, then needs to come back later and apologize. Hot headed types make for tumultuous relationships and so I don't consider his lack of willingness to communicate a bad thing. This can be worked on and improved. Therapy, sitting down to discuss, etc..

2) Ambition. Good and Bad here. It sounds like he works a stable job and makes a measurable and responsible contribution. This is more than most men out there. Ambition is a great attribute, and maybe even a laudable one... but can be destructive and consuming. I have a doctorate and am an over achiever, but that tends to make me a workaholic and consumed with "success" or the "next mountain to climb" on the horizon. This often times easily allows the person to slip into career being the most important thing in their life at the expense of the other person's emotional needs. It depends on what kind of woman you are... If you work just as hard and don't need much emotional upkeep, then you two would be peas in a pod, but too much ambition can be a bad thing. I sometimes wish I hadn't been raised in a family that almost instilled unrealistic expectations of myself to the point where I'm never satisfied in my career to the detriment of everyone else in my life. What good is money, success, prestige if it ultimately is harmful for your relationship? Think about that. An extremely ambitious man is going to always be "married" to his career to some degree. The more balanced man, probably makes for a better husband. I know I always feel that my career prevents me from being the type of husband that I'd like to be. That's me though.

C) Everything being your idea. It sounds like he simply wants to please you. Good for him. You'd prefer someone with a little more backbone who didn't give in so easily or demanded more things for themselves, or demanded additional sacrifices of you? Would that make him more desirable? If so, this is one of those strange female psychological aspects that I don't fully understand.

D) No friends, hobbies, common interests. This is perhaps the most disturbing part of what you posted, not the above three which can all be easily worked on. Common interests, conversation topics, hobbies, friends are all important. If you are feeling embarrassed to bring him to social events, I'm going to go against the grain here and not fault you for that. However, that's a red flag. That tells me that your education level, social relationships, social class even, etc.. are on a different level than the person you are describing. My wife wasn't into news or politics prior to marriage, but naturally noticed that I was intensely interested in these things. She made an effort to become more educated on current events and things that she knew I would be interested in talking about. I do the same... I don't know much about her career industry, nor am I that particularly interested but I educate myself enough and ask enough questions to allow her to talk about her day and communicate the things that she's excited about, because she does the same thing for me. If you don't have anything in common to talk about, then you really have an empty relationship. It sounds like you started out as young teenagers and have grown to a point where you two are truly taking separate paths in life. If so, it may be time to part and that might be for the best, for both of you.

What bothers me is that you don't respect him any more and don't have a desire to marry him after 8 years. Why stay with him them? Comfort is a cop out. You sound like an over achiever, or a very diligent and hard working woman who has clear goals and ambitions. You might be better suited to find someone more like yourself, just don't get too hung up on the boyfriend/mate who is the ambitious type. If you two are making enough money to make ends meet and live in relative comfort, that's infinitely more desirable than finding someone who is an extreme over achiever. You might respect them, but they won't be able to give nearly as much attention to you as your current boyfriend.

So, be careful what you wish for, but hey... maybe it's for the best. You're still young and have time to find "Mr. Right". It doesn't sound like you've ever had that opportunity and aren't tied down with children or a marriage, so you have lots of options.

August 14, 2012

So, I've had some time to think things over, and my head is a little clearer. I went back through old emails and love letters, talked to friends about our relationship and just had some time alone.

He is who he is and it's not fair for me to force him to change to make me happy.

But, it's not fair for me to settle and not be happy, either.

Just a note since it was mentioned earlier - this is not about money. I make enough for both of us to live comfortably, travel, and buy a house in a few years without his salary contributions.

I'm going to try to talk to him about it again, but in the meantime, I've started a "letter." Maybe if the next talk fails, a letter/email will make him feel less ambushed and it will give him a chance to get his thoughts out. He has been good at communicating this way in the past.

Please tell me your thoughts on this.

Here's the letter:

This breaks my heart, but I don’t think we’re compatible any more. You deserve to be with someone who can appreciate who you are. Someone who doesn’t need you to change. Someone who loves you for you and can build a life where you’ll be happy and she will too. I can’t do that with you with things the way they are right now without sacrificing my own happiness. And it’s not fair for me to ask you to change.

I have hopes and dreams and things I want to work towards in the future, but I want a partner in doing these things. I know that if we stay together, I’ll be the one to work hard to bring us to the next level or to improve our lives one more step. That’s how it’s been for every major decision in our relationship. It’s because I wanted to do it. I made the decisions. You’ve gone along with these things, but I need more than just compliance. You need a leader, but I need a partner.

I don’t want to carry the burden of working alone to work out the details of a mortgage, find a house, deciding where to live by myself when there are two of us. I don’t want to push you into making the best decisions for your career or your social life. It’s not my job to make sure you have a fulfilling social life, friends and hobbies. I don’t want to be the one to decide if and when we’ll get married, and then make all the wedding decisions alone.

You worked hard and went back to school, and now you have a great trade. But I can’t be happy to sit back to watch you work the same job for the rest of your life. We had a talk a few months ago, where I said this had to be a stepping stone into something more. That I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want more out of life, someone who isn’t trying to grow, be better or experience more. You agreed with me, you told me yes, you wanted more out of your career too. Am I wrong in thinking now that that’s not the case? It’s OK if that’s what you want. I just need you to be honest with me.

You’re happy to accept life as it is, and you can find fulfillment in that.

There’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s not who I am, I need more. I want to pursue goals, accomplish things and experience many different things in life. I want to see someone work hard, set goals, I want to help in success, or provide comfort in failure. I know now that’s not who you are, but it’s not interesting or attractive to me, and I can’t change that part of me.

August 15, 2012

I'd cut out the bits about how he's not interesting or attractive to you... you're getting the point across already in stating you need a partner with the same goals who will share in decision-making with you; there is no need to tear this guy up. He's not right for you but I'm sure someone else will find him interesting and attractive.

August 15, 2012

If this letter is meant as a definitive letter of parting, then I would re-word and shy away from so many of the "i need more than X", "it's not fair for me to ask you to change X", "we talked about Y and you said you would change..."

He needs to hear definitively why you are unhappy, that you don't want to work on the relationship any more, that you are not "in love" any more, do not want to get married in the future, and want to move on and deserve to find your own happiness.

Blunt, can sting... but won't draw this out nearly as long. If I was your boyfriend reading that letter, it makes it sound as if you are merely threatening to leave based on all the things that I haven't done. He will more than likely freak out and go into a short lived rambo mode to prove to you that he can change and once things have settled down, revert back to life as usual. If you truly want to end this, then it needs to be communicated in a definitive manner with no hope at recourse.

I see that you're trying to "let him down easy", but there is no such thing in ending a long term relationship. It needs to be a hard, clean break.

August 15, 2012

Honestly, I think it all boils down to you're just not that into him for multiple reasons. I'd just cut your losses now and move on.

August 16, 2012

IMHO all your letter is is you slamming him for being a lazy slob and making it sound like he isn't good enough and that you deserve better. All those things may be true but does he really need his face rubbed in it and do you really feel the need to rub his face in it.

I think all you really need to say is that you no longer think you two are compatible and that you no longer wish to remain in a serious relationship with him. period. end of story.

Of course he will want to know why and will offer to change and do what you want him to but just simply say that there isn't anything wrong with him and that him changing won't change how you feel or what you want to do.

There is no painless or comfortable way to dump someone nor is there any way to get dumped without it being painfull and disruptive.

You two have dated for a long time and you know each other and you know he is not "the one." That is when it is time to stop dating and move on.

August 16, 2012

Niner, it's okay to move apart and want something different and I commend you for not settling just because you feel you should. You said very simply that you can't change him and you shouldn't settle.

If we are to achieve great things and make the most of ourselves then it makes sense that we would do so with the person that we love most in the world. If your partner can't do that with you after eight years, it's possible he never will. It is also entirely possible that neither of you are "right" for each other now you have matured. Maybe he will meet someone else who will inspire him to greatness, who knows.

I think you are about to end your relationship and you are doing it with respect and dignity. All the very best of luck to you.

August 16, 2012

I think the letter is a bit opened-ended. I still see him asking if you're done with him. You kinda sorta seem to be done.

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