Girlfriend is not treating me right

[plastic]

Hi all,

 

First I should introduce myself. I'm Plastic from Australia. I'm 28. Glad to be here.

 

Im normally a very happy guy. but at time my Gf of 7 months gives me a lot of heartache. We have had our fair share of fighting. We argue about many things, most of which I think are minor, but always stem from the same sources. 2 months ago she left me to go back to her ex for 2 weeks. She came back to me after she said she realised she missed me and really loves me. We went on a holiday a month ago. Everything was rosy and beautiful.

 

However when we got back to <our city> everything went pear shaped. She got back into her routine of being really busy and not giving me enough time(thats what I think, but she thinks she does). Also recently on my birthday she tried to break up with me after we argued the night before.

 

 

In a nutshell.

 

Me

Musician-I have alot of time on my hands.

Old-28 thinking about settling down

No commitments to family, etc

 

Her

Uni Student

Part time job(family business which she cannot quit)

Uni Club

Family commitments(chores at home etc)

Young-20

Recently started part time modelling after I talked to her to follow her dreams

 

Now at first glance, It seems as though I have a lot of free time. Which I do and I don't. I especially take the time out to see her and contact her. She had promised that she would quit her uni club, however today she had said that she feels happy doing that and she feels as though it is "lifting off". however she described us as "sinking".

 

We both want to work it out, or so it seems maybe its just me. She says she does want to work it out, but keeps breaking promises(such as quitting the uni club.) I feel this is necessary because for instance today she did this:

 

woke up 6 am

uni club

class

drop her sis at airport

chores

see me

study

organise modelling etc for tomorrow

 

I dont know why it is so difficult for her to just drop one thing? When we have talked and we both know our relationship is doomed if she doesnt. I feel she doesnt treat me right when I try so hard to be with her.

 

At times I feel like I do want to settle down with her. and I dont know if she is just saying this in the moment but we do talk about our future plans and settling down together.

 

I know this is just a general overview, but I want to know what everyone thinks of this, and please comment away.

 

Thanks

Edited August 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[plastic]

I am not sure what to think. At times she says that I am very important to her and the best thing that has happened to her. Other times she just wants to push me today.

 

today she saw me for 15mins. at around 8pm. (about 30min drive to my house) We talked in the morning for around 10 mins, and in the evening for 10mins again. I am saying this because she feels as though she is busy, but I felt as though she can spend so much time doing other things, why cant she give me more time?

 

In the past we used to see each other almost every day. However its not the case these days.

[Emilia]

I dont know why it is so difficult for her to just drop one thing? When we have talked and we both know our relationship is doomed if she doesnt. I feel she doesnt treat me right when I try so hard to be with her.

 

At times I feel like I do want to settle down with her. and I dont know if she is just saying this in the moment but we do talk about our future plans and settling down together.

 

Thanks

 

Dude, she is 20. She is barely an adult. She has her whole life in front of her, there is no way you will be a priority for her for years to come and why should you be?

 

She sounds like a different kind of person from you anyway, she sounds more ambitious.

[plastic]

just because she is young does that mean that I cannot be a priority in her life? It cant just be a blanket rule like that?

 

She is different from me but if I wanted to date someone the same as me I might as well just stare at myself in the mirror all day:cool:

[Emilia]

just because she is young does that mean that I cannot be a priority in her life? It cant just be a blanket rule like that?

 

So you were allowed to have your young years but now that YOU are ready to settle down, she isn't?

 

A 20-year-old has no clue what she wants from life, she is immature. What did you know when you were her age?

 

She is different from me but if I wanted to date someone the same as me I might as well just stare at myself in the mirror all day:cool:

 

But she might not want to carry the burden of someone who doesn't do anything all day. It isn't just about you. It's also about an ambitious person perhaps not wanting someone who isn't that ambitious himself.

[plastic]

Thanks but I should have explained more before you had jumped to conclusions.

 

I work hard during the day on my music. I am not doing nothing. But thats fine I get that alot as soon as I tell people that I am. I know people tend to judge straightaway.

 

I dont cram my day with 10+ activities. Because I do not want to be tired and give my 100% attention to my music and relationship so I can actually do that well.

[Emilia]

Me

Musician-I have alot of time on my hands.

Old-28 thinking about settling down

No commitments to family, etc

 

Unless you are in the Red Hot Peppers touring 200+ days I'd say I wasn't jumping to conclusions.

 

You don't want to get tired? Well it looks to me she does like getting tired and she has tons of energy.

 

A relationship is about her as well and what she wants. Expecting her to give stuff up for you when she is 20 years old, enthusiastic, energetic, ambitious is just not realistic. I'm sure you would like a young part time model wife to settle down with but the reality is that it's unlikely. It sounds to me that she wants to enjoy her life for a while yet.

 

Not really sure what response you have been expecting to be fair.

[plastic]

Thanks no I am not but I will be.

 

I have alot of time on my hands because I choose what I want to do in life.

 

She complains to me about being tired all the time..and honestly she doesn't eat well and diet when she is not around me, so that adds to it.

 

Who is to say that she cant enjoy life with me?

[plastic]

she was actually the one suggesting that she give up something because it was stressful to her. She is tired everyday because of this and gets depressed when she doesnt enough slepp. I actually encouraged her to stick with it for a while. But after I found that it was damaging to our relationship we talked about it and she agreed....

[Els]

You did mention you have a lot of time on your hands, so you can't fault people for 'assuming' that you do, when it was stated in your opening post.

 

I don't want to pile on you, but it really does sound like your day consists entirely of two things: 1) music, and 2) girlfriend. Now, if you're happy with that, that's great - but you aren't. Don't you have any hobbies besides music? And.. I'm really curious, does music alone bring in the sort of income that you want? It's very rare that someone can survive on music alone. Have you not thought about taking up some other skills, learning new things, trying new things?

 

Your gf's day sounds fairly normal for a typical active, outgoing early-20's person. If you find that incompatible with you, you could go for women who are less ambitious and less outgoing, perhaps. I really do not think you should pressure her to give up something in her life for you at this age. It isn't like she's spending all of it watching multiple episodes of soap operas a day instead of seeing you - everything she's doing seems like it could really pay off in the future.

 

Also, not to be nitpicky, but why is SHE making the 30 minute commute to your house to see you when you're the one with so much more spare time? Surely if you wanted to see her for a longer period of time, you could have gone to see her instead?

[Emilia]

Thanks no I am not but I will be.

 

I have alot of time on my hands because I choose what I want to do in life.

 

She complains to me about being tired all the time..and honestly she doesn't eat well and diet when she is not around me, so that adds to it.

 

Who is to say that she cant enjoy life with me?

 

Look I don't mean to be harsh and it's great that you do what you want to do but you have let her live her life. You can advise her on stuff and encourage her and all that but she needs to make her own mistakes.

[haribogumsnickers]

It's over unless you want to wait for her commitment to you. The age gap is a factor. You're mature and she's just 20. Let her live her life and you live yours, even if that means you two are not together. The sooner you accept this reality, the sooner you'll be better off. In the mean time, either take the relationship as it comes or just find someone your age in a similar situation.

[plastic]

Thanks for your post. I do make enough with music. Of course I do have other ventures which make income, I primarily spend time doing this. Having said that I have had a previous career which I saved up enough for a while to come.

 

Is it normal though when she complains to me she is tired, and sometimes cries when she cant deal with the stress of all her activities? I not only want her to quit one thing for our benefit, but for hers.

 

Oh yes. That was her idea. I told her not to come but she insisted. And I thought she was not coming, but she arrived at my house to surprise me. Only to later get stress from not having enough time.

[Emilia]

I not only want her to quit one thing for our benefit, but for hers.

 

 

Your thread title is 'girlfriend is not treating me right'

[Els]

Thanks for your post. I do make enough with music. Of course I do have other ventures which make income, I primarily spend time doing this. Having said that I have had a previous career which I saved up enough for a while to come.

 

Is it normal though when she complains to me she is tired, and sometimes cries when she cant deal with the stress of all her activities? I not only want her to quit one thing for our benefit, but for hers.

 

Oh yes. That was her idea. I told her not to come but she insisted. And I thought she was not coming, but she arrived at my house to surprise me. Only to later get stress from not having enough time.

 

It's her decision to make and her cross to bear. If she consistently cries to you about the consequences of her choices, you can choose to kindly but firmly remind her that they were indeed her choices. But, honestly, that doesn't sound to me like your biggest concern.

 

You could go over to see her more often, then. Kills two birds with one stone - she doesn't have to spend more time commuting, and you get to see her for longer periods of time.

[utterer of lies]

...

 

Sorry to be harsh, but it seems to me she's a great girl who has her life in order and will achieve a lot, while you are kind of a loser just 'making music' and hanging around all day.

 

I really hope she will not give in to your demands and rather dump you than adopt your lifestyle.

[plastic]

Thanks for your comment however you do not know anything about what I have achieved in life or what I will. Are you just saying that because you have a stereotype "musician" In mind? I work very hard making my music and those who know me know that as well. So please do not make that a factor.

 

Im most concerned that she is always stressed and tired(and complains to me) get me worried about us.

[darkmoon]

"At times I feel like I do want to settle down with her."

 

tbh "at times" lacks certainty...but have you had a talk about your future with her in it? some would say she's a free bird til then

[plastic]

Yeah we did mate many times. when things are going well I feel that way, when they aren't well, I doubt. But that is natural I guess. No matter whether I doubt whether I want to be with her forever which can change in the future anyway, I do want to be with her long term.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Your relationship is over and your going through the motions right now.

 

Pay attention to what women do, not what they say. Heck, everyone for that matter.

 

She is about to give up one of her extracurricular activities...you.

 

She makes time for what is important to her. All other activities except you.

 

And at her age, with the societal teachings for everyone to "pursue their dreams and aspirations", that's what she'll do. Guess what happens when two people have dreams and aspirations that are different or take them to different locations? The relationship ends.

 

She's five steps ahead and trying to get you in position to end it. So what do you do? I would say be adult, reasonably polite, and end it quick. Don't say much of anything. Just that you are unhappy. Which you are!

 

It's your choice in my opinion. End it on your terms or have her end it on hers.

[darkmoon]

Yeah we did mate many times. when things are going well I feel that way, when they aren't well, I doubt. But that is natural I guess. No matter whether I doubt whether I want to be with her forever which can change in the future anyway, I do want to be with her long term.

 

then accept that she's an energetic person, or you'll continue to wind yourself up, i don't see grounds for dumping

she might slow down with age, that's a way off mind you...

Edited August 2, 2012 by darkmoon

[dispatch3d]

Well as a head-strong A type personality my position is you should get a life. Maybe if you had a life you wouldn't think of her schedule as "ridiculous" but instead "fun and exciting". I personally would be extremely unhappy if all I did was "produce music" 100 hours a week. Kill me now. You're a B type personality though (for sure!) so I can see where you are coming from.

 

If she enjoys x activity she should not have to quit it because of you. She would (hopefully) not ask the same from you.

[plastic]

Thanks for replying everyone.

 

At first I did think she was making all these activities to try and get rid of me for good.

 

However she had called me to discuss our schedule tonight and when we both should be doing our work. And when we would meet up.

 

She seems as though she really wants to work things out between us which is what I was most worried about, that she didnt.

 

I probably am a B type! So generally I am really relaxed. Having said that music is not all I do.

 

does she sound energetic tho? She is always tired and complains about being tired...

[CC12]

for instance today she did this:

 

woke up 6 am

uni club

class

drop her sis at airport

chores

see me

study

organise modelling etc for tomorrow

 

today she saw me for 15mins. at around 8pm. (about 30min drive to my house) We talked in the morning for around 10 mins, and in the evening for 10mins again.

 

However she had called me to discuss our schedule tonight and when we both should be doing our work. And when we would meet up.

 

So all of the above went on in just one day? Dude, she's trying. Really hard, it seems. Give her some credit.

 

She's a typical busy college student. You are an older, more settled person. You just have to accept that she's got more going on than you do, and try to be supportive. When she calls you crying because she's stressed out and tired, instead of suggesting that she give up one of her activities that she enjoys, just say, "There, there. You're doing a good job. Get some sleep. We'll see each other when it's convenient." or whatever. Instead you say, "Well, what about MEEEEE?!" and add to her stress.

 

She's practically a baby. Her life should not be about you. You are older and presumably wiser, so you should understand this and encourage her in her endeavors. If you want a girlfriend with more time on her hands, find one. Don't try to mold this one to fit your needs. That's not fair to her.

[Emilia]

 

does she sound energetic tho? She is always tired and complains about being tired...

 

Because she wears herself out. She isn't concerned about 'getting tired' like you are. Speaking from experience, her endurance will get better and she will be able to juggle more. Also she will find balance as well soon enough.