Finally Waking from Feelings of Inadequacy and Self Blame from My Divorce

[NotaBadGuy]

I guess I just woke up from the self blame, pain and hurt from my divorce earlier this year. I struggled and struggled bad at times. I could not figure out how someone who I was willing to spend the rest of my life with could discard me and our relationship for another man. Then there was the stage of battling through what I felt like were my inadequacies and deficiancies that turned her away from me. And the whole time I beat myself up and could not figure it out. I walked through the last 8-9 months with a chip on my shoulder and no motivation or desire to wake up the next day. I prayed and the man upstairs helped me at least make it from day to day and battle through my own self created demons.

 

I woke up the other day and realized I was not perfect, but did nothing wrong to deserve the way she left me nor the self punishment I have been inflicting on myself for months and months. I am better off. In fact, he did me a huge favor by taking her off my hands before I really had some hard time invested with her. I had to come to the realization that I will always have feelings for her and love her, but that I was done a favor by her leaving me. I wanted to hate her. I never wanted to see her again. I just wanted the time I spent with her to dissapear. But I know it never will.

 

So then I figured out that she must have been one of the many faces that enter someones life along the way and help to shape and influence who we ultimatley become. It becomes a decision of whether you let these passerbys break you down - like I was for recent months - or whether you learn from the time you spent with them and take the expereince to build on who you are and what you are going to become.

 

It was one of the toughest realizations I have ever had to make, but I was slowly destrying my future by living in the past and what might have been/could have been/ should have been. It was leading me down the road to the middle of nowhere. And what would have been waiting for me in nowhere - the laugh and nodding of her saying I told you so.

 

Looking back on the situation and where I am in life, man I have a lot to be greatful for. I have my health (no price can be put on that), I have my education (a degree that I almost let slip away), some of the best friends a guy could ever have, family that has stuck by my side when I wasn't even there, a strong work ethic and reputation that has and will contunue to pay dividends on my future endeavors, and a degree of integrity and sense of right that I will never compromise.

 

So looking back, what did I lose? Nothing but a woman who I was willing to give my all to but who sought it elsewhere. I am learing to be happy alone. I have not tried to date. At the time it wold not be fair to the other person or me. The ex was put in my life for the time she was for a reason and I have to take that time and take the good from it and learn from the bad. In the long run I will have learned more about myself and will have grown more than I will ever know. Sometimes life doesn't happen as we had planned it would, but if we deal with adversity and battle through the obstacles that are thrown our way, we will persevere in the end.

 

Good luck to each and every one of you. I thought I would put my thoughts to words and maybe this would help to inspire someone to keep on battling through the pain and hurt. I know I came here many times and read others posts to help keep me on track. We are all survivors and we will all make it out of the darkness. You have control of yourself and noone else. Don't let some elses foolish mistakes cost you your future. Best of luck.

 

NotaBadGuy

[Blah Toolz]

Very nicely put... I myself would wonder at times how someone that I was so in love with... and someone that I know that was in love with me -- could just toss me away all of a sudden. And now she has someone else.

 

But everything that you have said... is absolutely right. You can't live in the past like that, thinking about what could have or should have been if it's destructive towards your future.

 

"It was one of the toughest realizations I have ever had to make, but I was slowly destrying my future by living in the past and what might have been/could have been/ should have been. It was leading me down the road to the middle of nowhere. And what would have been waiting for me in nowhere - the laugh and nodding of her saying I told you so."

 

Yeah man, that is right on. There is no better way to put it.

 

"So looking back, what did I lose? Nothing but a woman who I was willing to give my all to but who sought it elsewhere. I am learing to be happy alone. I have not tried to date. At the time it wold not be fair to the other person or me. The ex was put in my life for the time she was for a reason and I have to take that time and take the good from it and learn from the bad. In the long run I will have learned more about myself and will have grown more than I will ever know. Sometimes life doesn't happen as we had planned it would, but if we deal with adversity and battle through the obstacles that are thrown our way, we will persevere in the end.

 

I have been doing the same thing to get through this. Before I go to sleep now... I have time to reflect. I tell myself that things happen for a reason... and that God will help me through each and every day. I tell myself that God must have other plans for both myself and her... and that things will work for the best. It gives me the motivation to finish up school, military, and get the career and life that I want to have.

 

Props to you for this post, bro... it really helped me.

[moimeme]

Congratulations on passing through the fire, NotaBadGuy. You're a little singed and tender in spots (maybe still smoking a bit) but the worst is over and there's only healing to come. Congratulations, too, on making the hard choice - to not harden your heart against all women, shut down, and turn cynical but rather to try to understand whatever lessons there are to be learned. It's the bravest, but most difficult choice.

 

Continued good wishes to you, Blah Toolz, in your voyage to healing.

 

The ladies who will love you as you deserve are in your future. You are making your way towards each other. You may yet have lessons to learn - as may they, but believe that you will find each other.

[sweetadeline]

NotABadGuy,

 

Can I pay you for posting this one??

 

This part was my favorite:

 

"So then I figured out that she must have been one of the many faces that enter someones life along the way and help to shape and influence who we ultimatley become. It becomes a decision of whether you let these passerbys break you down - like I was for recent months - or whether you learn from the time you spent with them and take the expereince to build on who you are and what you are going to become."

 

Word.

 

The only alternative is bitterness. And while that's fun for a few months, sooner or later you have to decide if you want to let that bitterness kill your soul--or instead make the choice to move forward.

 

And yeah, hang in there Blah Toolz. I've been reading your posts, and they've helped me too.

[NotaBadGuy]

Blah Toolz,

 

I too have been following some of your posts. I appreciate the supportive words of encouragement. It seems as if it took me so long to get to this point of reconciliation with who I am. I kept on telling myself I was getting better but was in fact taking one step forward only to take two steps back. I would begin to stand up from the slow crawl only to knock myself back down. And looking back on things, I was the one who allowed myself to stay down. I was the one who made excuses for not pulling myself out of the tailspin. I was the one who let her actions affect who I was as a person. But the reality was that I am me and was the whole time I was letting her affect me. Shame on me. As you see, I allowed myself to be in that state of mind. I had control over only my actions. She could have told me all day long that I made her do the things she did, but in reality, she made her choices, not me.

 

Like you said, I will probably always have some sort of feelings for the girl. How could I not with investing the time and heart that I did? That is the tough part. I guess there is a part of me that wanted her to feel the pain and hurt that I experienced, but I could not wish that on my worst enemy. I in turn pray for her and wish her nothing but happiness. Sometimes it has been hard to do, but that is where my heart is. I hope she never has to feel the dissapointment. On a positive for me, I have to take the good from the bad. In dealing with this expereince, I have learned much more about myself and my emotional limits than I had ever imagined possible. I have gained a great deal of respect and admiration for those who are stedfast in thier convictions. I have regained the vision I once had to make a difference in this world. I have reinvented myslef - someone who was lost in the glitter and glamour of who she wanted me to become. I am thankful for this.

 

Again, thanks for the postive comments. It helps me as much to read the replies as it does to express them. Thanks for listening.

 

Moimeme,

 

I appreciate your response and responses you have provided to me in the past. You may remember my past posts, but you have always impressed me with your ability to see the forest through the trees and to give sound advice. You are correct in saying that I am still a little "smoking." But at the same time, I am over the worst. Just think, if I am just smoking right now, I was blazing like no other not to long ago. As for hardening my heart to all women - I just could not see myself doing that. I have purposly distanced myself from women and the whole dating scene for that very reason. I didn;t want to get into another relationship too early - it would only serve as a temporary mask to hide and harden the pain and hurt that I had experienced.

 

Instead, I had to take the healty way out - at the same time, the more difficult route - and take the pain and hurt head on. I had to work through the issues (and continue to) to totally be ready and fair in another relationship. It is a sort of cleansing. I know there are many deserving women out there who want to be treated right and who will do the same in return. To become hardened by the past only makes one blind and cold to the power of triumph in times of adversity. I choose to love like I've never been hurt. That is only fair. Again, thank you for the kind words and feedback.

 

Sweetadeline,

 

Yes you are correct that bitterness leads to an emptiness and slow painful death of our souls. I was there. I was bitter. I let the bitterness and hurt control me. I became a pawn in the game of life. It ate at me on a day to day basis. I would pray to God to help me but he would not until I let the bitterness and spite behind me. Sure, I am not 100% but I am well on my way there. I consciously made the choice to move forward and then the reality set in - I am someone who deserves to be happy and has worked too hard to be bitter about someone and something I had not control over. I have the power to control where I go. Bitterness and spite take that power and turn it against you.

 

I guess in the end, the difference was my hiding and letting the pain and hurt control me by hiding from them and dwelling on poor me versus now taking each head on and coming out of the shawdows I had been hiding in. I found out that these obstacles only have the power over me that I let them have. It becomes a choice. I choose to move on and live life and learn from those who grace my presence along the way. My ex just happened to be one of those people.

 

NotaBadGuy