henderson14 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 (edited) I met this girl off an online dating site. We went out 3 times and things were great. But the third date she was putting her hands on my leg during dates, trying to hold my hand, and kissing me on the cheek (after a late night of drinking). She even deleted her account. The 4th date went good until the end of the night where she wouldn't sleep with me. I got kind of mad and when I texted her a few days later she said she didn't think she would hear from me. Since then we have just seemed more distant and things have cooled down. We also can only see each other once a week because of distance. Well call it bad timing, but the following weekend she was out of town for work and the following two weeks. I was out of town for the other two weekends. Thats 3 weeks and our contact was just a few short texts. After I initiated those few texts I just told her to let me know when she could do something again, leaving the ball in her court. Is this OK? I'm getting the feeling that this might just end with a "fade away" after so much promise, which is sad. I'm thinking that even though she responded to my other texts, that she will text me when she is able to do something again. Edited August 1, 2012 by henderson14
StrangeBehaviors Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I don't think you should wait for her to tell you when she's free. Think of something to do, or something you will be doing anyway without her, and invite her along. Says yes. Go with it. No response. Let it go forever. 1
Author henderson14 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 I don't think you should wait for her to tell you when she's free. Think of something to do, or something you will be doing anyway without her, and invite her along. Says yes. Go with it. No response. Let it go forever. Even if I told her to tell me when she's free. We've been out 4 times already. I would think she could help a little.
mortensorchid Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I don't like the tone of this. First this woman removed her account from the website after 3 dates. Did you ask her to take down her profile or did she just do it because she just assumed that you two were "going steady"? And second you said that on date #4 you were angry with her because she wouldn't sleep with you. It's ok to be angry with someone for this, but did you say this to her? It seems that there is a lot of "assuming" going on here. Now she's distant from you and you from her. It doesn't sound like you are really that into each other to begin with.
Author henderson14 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) I don't like the tone of this. First this woman removed her account from the website after 3 dates. Did you ask her to take down her profile or did she just do it because she just assumed that you two were "going steady"? And second you said that on date #4 you were angry with her because she wouldn't sleep with you. It's ok to be angry with someone for this, but did you say this to her? It seems that there is a lot of "assuming" going on here. Now she's distant from you and you from her. It doesn't sound like you are really that into each other to begin with. I never asked her to take it down and I don't think she assumed we were going steady, but by that point things were going really well and she was obviously very interested. I took that as a good thing anyways. Why would you see that as bad? I basically did say I was angry, or at least showed it, and she knew. Thats basically the point where things took a turn and we have both been busy since (legitimate reasons). The "distance" is from the ending of our last date and because we haven't had time to do anything for 3 weeks. I just figured by this point that she would contact me if she was still interested. I left the door open by telling her to contact me next time she can do something. Edited August 2, 2012 by henderson14
NoMagicBullet Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I basically did say I was angry, or at least showed it, and she knew. Thats basically the point where things took a turn and we have both been busy since (legitimate reasons). The "distance" is from the ending of our last date and because we haven't had time to do anything for 3 weeks. Actually, the distance is just from how that last date ended. Being busy has nothing to do with it, or you two would be in frequent contact via phone or other means. She doesn't want to see you again, or she would be telling you when she was free to meet again. If you were angry that she didn't sleep with you... well, that sends all kinds of negative messages: that you felt entitled to sex with her, that you were just looking to get into her pants, that you expected her to put out on your timetable. After a handful of promising dates with a man, if he got angry with me for not having sex with him, he'd never heard from me again -- I see a guy who gets angry about not getting what he wants so early into a relationship as not being relationship material at all. Sex aside, when is he going to get angry again at not getting other things he wants? No one looking for a healthy relationship want to be with someone like that. I hate to say it, but I have been with someone like that, and it was miserable. He' still the biggest mistake I ever made. I think this one is over for you, henderson. Maybe you couldn't help being angry that the last date didn't turn out the way you wanted, but for the sake of your future dates and relationships, it sounds like something you need to work on. Otherwise this dating experience you just had is going to repeat itself.
Author henderson14 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) Actually, the distance is just from how that last date ended. Being busy has nothing to do with it, or you two would be in frequent contact via phone or other means. She doesn't want to see you again, or she would be telling you when she was free to meet again. If you were angry that she didn't sleep with you... well, that sends all kinds of negative messages: that you felt entitled to sex with her, that you were just looking to get into her pants, that you expected her to put out on your timetable. After a handful of promising dates with a man, if he got angry with me for not having sex with him, he'd never heard from me again -- I see a guy who gets angry about not getting what he wants so early into a relationship as not being relationship material at all. Sex aside, when is he going to get angry again at not getting other things he wants? No one looking for a healthy relationship want to be with someone like that. I hate to say it, but I have been with someone like that, and it was miserable. He' still the biggest mistake I ever made. I think this one is over for you, henderson. Maybe you couldn't help being angry that the last date didn't turn out the way you wanted, but for the sake of your future dates and relationships, it sounds like something you need to work on. Otherwise this dating experience you just had is going to repeat itself. Well this happens to be the first girl who hasn't slept with me by the fourth date, so its never been a problem before so its nothing I "need to work on." I actually would have been OK with it but she gave me a weird reason that I didn't care to mention for not doing it. I could respect that if she had a respectable reason. If if she didn't want to see me again she would not be responding at all to me. Edited August 2, 2012 by henderson14
NoMagicBullet Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 Well this happens to be the first girl who hasn't slept with me by the fourth date, so its never been a problem before so its nothing I "need to work on." I actually would have been OK with it but she gave me a weird reason that I didn't care to mention for not doing it. If if she didn't want to see me again she would not be responding at all to me. So what happens when you don't have sex by the 4th date with a different girl? And she gives you a weird reason? Are you going to get angry again? That's what I'm talking about. You're not going to bag every woman by the 4th date for the rest of your life. How you respond then will influence if the dating goes any farther. That's fine if you don't mention her reason for not doing so, but maybe to her it's more legitimate than it is to you. Maybe there's other stuff going on with her that she hasn't shared yet as to why she didn't want to sleep with you that night. Who knows. I'm just saying your reaction didn't help the situation. I'm sorry, but just because she's still responding to you doesn't mean she wants to see you. I have someone I could send a message to right now, and the odds are very good they'd respond, but I know this person has no desire to see me, because they have a pattern of making no effort to help make that happen. Same thing with her -- she's not helping you with any plans to get together. You could give it one more try, ask her out, suggest getting together on a certain day for some event or whatnot. I doubt she'll accept. If she does, great, give it another go, but if she doesn't, I hope you'll consider moving on.
Author henderson14 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 I big part of my question was also if waiting for her to contact me about when she was free was OK, because that's what I said in the last text. I contacted her the last two times and she couldnt do anything.
StrangeBehaviors Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 I big part of my question was also if waiting for her to contact me about when she was free was OK, because that's what I said in the last text. I contacted her the last two times and she couldnt do anything. People make time for what's important to them. Whenever you get an "I'm busy that day, have to work, promised to help friend, already had plans, etc. etc. etc." remember that and repeat it to yourself when confused and bargaining with what they say vs. what they do.
danny in van Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 it's a poker game, or chess if you like. And showing you're angry NEVER works! Or if it does and a girl gives in, she's really messed up! I'm a guy, I've had lotsa success w girls- and I've never resented how long they wanna take, or if they even just end up being a chronic flirt and we never sleep together. Why? Cuz history shows they end up pregnant- not the guy! Biiig difference that a guy can't pretend he understands...
danny in van Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 meaning: ya you blew it! But we all have at one point,so in the future keep it in mind to not show your (angry) cards!
Author henderson14 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) Well she was out of town for work so it was legit. The reason I got mad was because she told me that "her number was too high" because she had dated a lot and since she was in highschool. Number referring to guys she slept with (I assume in dating relationships). She then decided to all of the sudden make this new standard starting with me. Thats what made me mad. And as I just reclarified, I am not trying to debate the rightness or wrongness of the situation and events. I am asking if it was OK to tell her "to just contact me next time she is free." I'm basically asking for the next best step. SHould I just call her and try to talk about our status? Edited August 2, 2012 by henderson14
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