davebla8 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Hi, Two months ago I ended my two year relationship with my ex girlfriend, and am having a lot of trouble moving on. I am 28 and her 25. Since it was me who ended things this might seem weird, and it has been a little harder than I expected – but I always knew it was going to be tough which I think is why I put it off for a while. I am just looking for any comments or thoughts that might help me. We dated for about a month and a half before we made it official, and I must admit that I wasn’t sure about things during this time. Although I knew she was a great, kind hearted fun girl I had a nagging feeling deep down that something was missing for me, be it physical attraction or personality connection wise. I did try to explain to her that I felt confused at one point, and things ended. But the next day I felt I had made a huge mistake by not giving things more of a chance so I convinced her to give me another chance. The next few months were really great and I felt I had definitely made the right decision to give things a go. I fully realise that this incident must not have helped her insecurities and probably made things harder in the long run, but I just felt I needed to be honest with her at the time as I was genuinely confused about my feelings. To be totally honest I would say that the doubts I had never really went away completely. After the first 3-4 months I would say the relationship was pretty up and down. At times it was great, we had a great laugh together and the sex life was great, but barring these first 3-4 months there was pretty much always a fair amount of arguing. Sometimes about silly things like who’s parents house we would spend the weekend at, and sometimes about things which I felt were more important (will explain these later). My ex had a pretty rough upbringing. Her father was absent from when she was 2.5yrs old, he left for another woman and raised her children instead. As a result she has some deep rooted insecurities and I soon felt that control was an issue. I have always been someone who has an active social life, and loves going out to festivals and gigs with mates but pretty much as soon as were officially bf/gf this was a big issue. As we didn’t live together she said that weekends were the only quality time we got together and that I shouldn’t want to spend them with my mates. I didn’t see the problem of spending either fri or sat eve apart occasionally as we saw each other at least twice and more often than not 3 evenings in the week which always involved staying over so it’s not as if we didn’t see each other much. This was my first serious relationship and I had really had enough of going out every weekend so most weekends I was really happy to be spending the whole time with her. But even like once a month if I wanted to do something separate on a fri or sat it would cause an argument. We met in May 2010 and the following year we did a lot of things together. Pretty much all my money was going into activities for us, which i didn’t mind, but money too became a big issue somehow. I earn more than she does so I was paying a lot more towards our holidays and weekends away, which is fine – but if I ever wanted to spend any money on something social that didn’t involve her it was a huge issue. A typical example would be £50 for tickets to a gig = huge argument about cost and the fact it would be a whole Saturday apart. Just to set the scene in 2011 we went on two separate week long holidays and 3 weekends away and the whole time I was being pressured to save up for renting a flat together (planned for 2012). A lot of the time with these arguments I would eventually give in and say I wouldn’t go, only for her to later feel guilty and say I should go and she would buy my ticket as a bday present or valentines gift or something, was I paranoid for thinking that this was more control for her? When we met she had lots of friends but she quickly stopped seeing these much at all – and pretty much never at weekends. One of her arguments against me seeing my friends when I wanted to was that it always involved being in a pub and drinking, which also costs a lot. Where as when she saw her friends it was a lunch or coffee thing. She had a huge issue with me drinking, but this has always been how my group of friends operate. If I waited until they went for coffee to see them then I would never have seen them! Before we met I did occasionally have a few too many on a night out but I cut this out almost completely for her, and would always be home on the last train and usually before. When with my mates I would constantly be monitoring every drink I had as i knew if i had a few too many it would cause a huge argument. Occasionally (i’m talking maybe 3 times over the two years) I would lose track and get a bit more drunk than I planned to, which would always cause huge problems with her. Her mum used to drink on weekends when she was young and as a result neglect her when she was hungover, so I understood her issues and was sympathetic to them. She also was worried that if i got drunk I would cheat. I am not the cheating type at all and having a drink with my mates was not about woman at all, just having a laugh with them and relaxing. I explained this to her over and over to reassure her. I didn’t even go to any night clubs – just pubs and bars on the rare occasions I went out. In any case, on the very few occasions I did slip up I would be subjected to a huge shouting match the next morning or when I got home. After a while I decided it was easier to see my mates after work occasionally, and as I drive to work early each day I will only have 2 drinks out of choice just to be safe. Even on these occasions, a lot of the time I would get ranting text messages from her about not getting drunk or how late would I be out or how we hadn’t spent much time together (this continued later in the relationship once we moved in together). I would say that i saw my friends without her once a month at most, probably less. One of the worst rows we had which I think left a lasting taste was at the 7 months stage. Just after xmas one of my mates had sold his house and decided to treat us all to a short weekend away in Denmark. The flights and hotel were paid for and it was only 2 nights so no big deal I thought. Not to her, instead I had a month full of arguments and guilt trips about it, and lots of tears from her. I was determined not to give in. All the people I would be going with had girlfriends and they were not going through what I was. As this really stressful argument lasted a whole month until I got back from the trip - I consequently think from here on in I had a shorter temper with her. So when I saw an argument coming i didn’t really have the patients to deal with it, which probably made some arguments worse than they needed to be from my part. Needless to say, any weekends away with friend that were suggested after this, I just steered clear of for the sake of peace. Throughout the whole 2 years I didn’t and wouldn’t have had any problem at all if she wanted to do these sorts of things with her friends. I trusted her and know that having your own separate lives at times is important in a relationship. In fact, she did go to a cottage with her friends for the weekend after about 4 months of going out. She didn’t really want to go but I felt it was a good thing for her to go. Another issue that made the whole situation more stressful was that her dad got ill around the 6 month stage. He had terminal cancer and as she didn’t know him hardly at all the next 7-8 months were very difficult for her. I was as supportive as anyone could have been in my opinion. He lived roughly two hours away, so we spent a lot of weekends during this period going to visit so they could get to know eachother a little while they still could. I didn’t mind doing this at all and wanted to be there for her obviously. Her job was also a big problem. She struggled to get a job after graduating and was stuck in a dead end position for a while which she hated. I paid for her to have her CV professionally written and she got what we thought was a job with real prospects about a month later. Unfortunately she said it was really stressful and hated it. She was there a year and a lot of this time was very unhappy about it. On at least 2 occasions we had complete weekends full of arguing and tears about the job. I tried again to be supportive but sometimes I’ll admit I got very tired of all the drama. One more thing which added to the stress was that her mum split up with her boyfriend and so was alone and unhappy, which added to my girlfriends problems. She argued with her mum a lot, and her mum was a big drain on her – i.e. not a very independent person at all. I feel quite guilty about this - but I saw some of the same issues and patterns in my girlfriend that I saw had messed up her mums life and this worried me too. We moved in together in November 2011. I wasn’t at all sure this was a good idea but I didn’t want to let go – and hoped it would solve a lot of the problems (i.e. ‘we don’t have enough quality time together should be an issue when you live together right?) If I had refused to move in together she would have ended things – she had pushed for it for a long time. Once we rented the flat money was really tight, which again caused problems. We couldn’t afford a holiday or to go out for dinner every week. As time went on she mentioned engagement more and more and I felt more and more pressured as I there were still too many problems to be even thinking about this right now. We split up 7 months later after another huge argument. I was away with work for 2 nights and received unhappy texts about how much I had contacted her while I was away – even tho I was extremely busy with a client and still texted her whenever I could. The weekend before I went away I had got a bit drunk with a mate watching the football in the pub (this is included in the 3 occasions I mentioned earlier!) When I got back, I lost it and ended things. Although there were still good times it just felt like one thing after another and I had started to see a very stressful future. I felt like she would never be happy with me I guess, even tho she and everyone said she was so totally in love with me. I don’t know if I felt as strong for her as she did for me. I’m sure i did love her, but don’t know if in the right way in the end? I also felt that after around 6 months at the most, the physical side of the relationship wasn’t as important to her as it was me. She needed attention in the form of cuddling and kissing a lot but was mostly too tired for sex and didn’t get the impression she actually wanted it, but more like just did it occasionally to keep me happy. I accepted this most of the time and never got angry about it as I realised she had been through a tough time with her dad. The first few weeks after I mainly felt relief and a much less stressful life.... But now I find myself in a situation where I’m constantly going over things in my mind, trying to rationalize and convince myself I did the right thing. It sort of feels like being trapped. I was certain I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life how things were so why do I feel like this - especially wheni had such doubts? I never pictured myself being in a possessive relationship and ultimately its not what I want for myself, but I also realise that no relationships are perfect. I Keep going over the good things about the relationship and the good things about her – of which there a lot. But I just don’t think I could deal with her issues in the end. I’m an easy going, generally happy bloke, and with not much experience with these kinds of things it all got too much. Part of me thinks that my lack of a serious relationship prior to meeting her led me to pursue this for longer than a lot of people would have when I felt it wasn’t right. But like I said I couldn’t let go. I’m not the most confident man ever and so just wanted to give things a chance. Another part of me thinks I should have tried harder and put more effort in, but as time went on putting effort in felt more difficult because of all the drama that had gone before. I became very doubtful of how wise it was to invest any more of my life in the relationship. I realise this is a very long post, but I think even just writing it has helped a bit. If anyone does read it all, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
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