Another sad story

[PoopHappens]

Hi everyone, I've read through many a thread here and can't imagine what it would look like if you could bring to life all the grief that exists within this forum.

 

I've been first living with and then married to the same woman for just over 25 years total. That is a long time. We have had an extremely good marriage, one with few if any problems. We rarely fought, liked the same things more or less and could live close by to each other for months on end with relative harmony. I trusted her with my very life many times. We did many adventurous activities where our very existence relied on each other. She had my back, I had hers. We waited but had a most amazing child who is now 11. Our life changed a lot when we a child but we both accepted the responsibility seriously. I don't drink and my wife rarely does.

 

About 4 years ago I hurt my back, a little but enough to cause me some problems, then I hurt it again in a different place and then I hurt it in a 3rd place, I got that in some control but then hurt a hip badly, then my neck and then both shoulders developed massive inflammation and just so I didn't have it too easy, one elbow developed a bad bursitis. I hurt. But I never gave up. I worked at my recovery like a dying man should. I tried to do everything i could to support us and fortunately my wife is a professional and could keep us afloat. I expected her to. This was but an unfortunate adventure gone screwball. I was less than a perfect person to be around. The pain caused me much anguish but despite it all I tried. I am not lazy or abusive or otherwise a jerk. I expect my long term partner to know this given our history. But damn it, she decided that I was just not attractive anymore and met someone else. I saw it coming and kept talking and telling and trying to get her to understand. After a while, I realized I was being lied to and this was more painful than any physical thing that may have happened. Now after months and years of constant therapy I am a lot better. I work again and can do simple outings but am not or likely won't be the happy go lucky guy I was but again I am hardly a loser.

 

I know from all circumstances that the underlying reason we can't even get to a counselor is because she loves this new guy. We both agree that our child is the most important thing on the planet and are both willing to put up with each other for her sake. But does this work? How long can I hope to stay here under these circumstances? There are so many nails in the coffin that is our marriage that the lid will likely never rise again and the hole is dug, How long can I wait before lowering it and throwing that first fist full of dirt on it?

 

I am so sad about this and blamed myself for all that went wrong and only after reading here and many places and actually talking with women who have had affairs did I realize it ain't my fault. She blames me though for all the "not being there". Huh? Sorry kiddo, it was my turn to have someone there for me and I was happy writing IOUs for later paybacks.

 

What a wacko world we live in.

Edited August 1, 2012 by PoopHappens

[whichwayisup]

She bailed on you. Instead of talking to you and even giving you some slack, being understanding and doing all that is required to get you through this, she chose to take the fun and easy way out by cheating. NONE OF THAT is your fault. She dropped the ball big time. Shame on her. She put herself and her needs above you and your daughter!

 

How long did her affair last? Is she still seeing and talkin to this guy?

[PoopHappens]

Yes it continues and shows no signs of abating.

[todreaminblue]

Hi everyone, I've read through many a thread here and can't imagine what it would look like if you could bring to life all the grief that exists within this forum.

 

I've been first living with and then married to the same woman for just over 25 years total. That is a long time. We have had an extremely good marriage, one with few if any problems. We rarely fought, liked the same things more or less and could live close by to each other for months on end with relative harmony. I trusted her with my very life many times. We did many adventurous activities where our very existence relied on each other. She had my back, I had hers. We waited but had a most amazing child who is now 11. Our life changed a lot when we a child but we both accepted the responsibility seriously. I don't drink and my wife rarely does.

 

About 4 years ago I hurt my back, a little but enough to cause me some problems, then I hurt it again in a different place and then I hurt it in a 3rd place, I got that in some control but then hurt a hip badly, then my neck and then both shoulders developed massive inflammation and just so I didn't have it too easy, one elbow developed a bad bursitis. I hurt. But I never gave up. I worked at my recovery like a dying man should. I tried to do everything i could to support us and fortunately my wife is a professional and could keep us afloat. I expected her to. This was but an unfortunate adventure gone screwball. I was less than a perfect person to be around. The pain caused me much anguish but despite it all I tried. I am not lazy or abusive or otherwise a jerk. I expect my long term partner to know this given our history. But damn it, she decided that I was just not attractive anymore and met someone else. I saw it coming and kept talking and telling and trying to get her to understand. After a while, I realized I was being lied to and this was more painful than any physical thing that may have happened. Now after months and years of constant therapy I am a lot better. I work again and can do simple outings but am not or likely won't be the happy go lucky guy I was but again I am hardly a loser.

 

I know from all circumstances that the underlying reason we can't even get to a counselor is because she loves this new guy. We both agree that our child is the most important thing on the planet and are both willing to put up with each other for her sake. But does this work? How long can I hope to stay here under these circumstances? There are so many nails in the coffin that is our marriage that the lid will likely never rise again and the hole is dug, How long can I wait before lowering it and throwing that first fist full of dirt on it?

 

I am so sad about this and blamed myself for all that went wrong and only after reading here and many places and actually talking with women who have had affairs did I realize it ain't my fault. She blames me though for all the "not being there". Huh? Sorry kiddo, it was my turn to have someone there for me and I was happy writing IOUs for later paybacks.

 

What a wacko world we live in.

 

 

I am different to you,this relationship that caused you grief was sad and terrible which forced you into therapy.I have had many horrible situations that I have dealt with and I have learnt through a lot of them myself.I mak positives from negatives I use what ever I can to make myself feel better.I accept who I am and people adore me.I dont mean to sound big headed because I am a humble person but I can make a difference to peoples lives.

I am light hearted I like to face problems head on or otherwise i get sick.I deal with it and move on.I shared my stories in here and I think I am respected that people in here can see me.......I am happy I told my shrinks that I found this site I adored and the people on it and we dealt with my latest issue and the outcome is good.Therapy can be brutal but necessary.I was able to deal with it so well because of people in here I felt uplifted and free.....its been a long time...i ama bit reflective at the moment not so humourous but that willl return with a vengeance....now no one is happy in here i made them sad.......I actually wish I could give a big group hug just to say thankyou and that i respect and care about all who care about me.You never know one day I might get to visit those who want to meet me and we can parttttttyyyyyyy ..i will travel in the future any where i want to go....sharing is therapy....more than anyone can ever know........mwahhhhhhhhhhhh ....share on...im listening.....loveshackers rock....lol......deb

[PoopHappens]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I spent some time today online going through divorce options. I can say that word (D) to myself and imagine some of the horrors to come but just looking at the next step has me so frightened. Do people stay together for the kids and actually survive it?

[Radu]

I think you will do more harm to the kid by staying together.

 

I think you need to stop begging, get your life back.

Do the 180, talk to a lawyer, get your social support system in place, save proof of this affair [PI if you can afford it is best].

When all of this is done and all aspects are taken care off, then pull the plug and put the affair out in the open for everyone to see [including the scumbag AP's BS].

 

She will blame you, she will try to turn ppl against you, but you will have the proof by then ready for everyone to see.

 

A partner who stands up for the other partner is a beautifull thing.

When the partner who did this is betrayed, thrown under a bus at the first problem in the marriage ... everyone knows it's horrible.

Everyone who has morals and matters that is.

[PoopHappens]

Thanks Radu, My wife is proceeding along as if she can do no harm and no harm will happen. I heard her make a flip comment to my daughter when referencing another break up that divorces are not a problem it's just when people argue that make them a problem. I couldn't get my head around this. I can't imagine the very best (how would you possibly define this?) divorce in the world not being devastating to the children. The child's very sole is breaking up and moving off in different directions. How can this not be a problem?

 

I continue to gather proof of the affair and her indiscretions but I'm not sure how this will be relevant later. Can someone please explain.

 

I have another question. The man involved is single, big problem apparently, but also the martial arts teacher for my wife and daughter. I am slowly weaning my daughter of going to classes by offering alternatives and hope she quits of her own accord. I don't want to expose what's going on right now to her. But I don't want the guy involved in anything my daughter does. I understand that if the relationship continues and we split that he will be a part of my daughters life (this part I find hugely unfair) but until that happens it's hands off. Is this proper thinking?

 

And yes, my wife is already starting to turn people against me. I hear stories and now realize where they are surfacing from. Usually small things to do with decisions or thought patterns, but enough to damage my reputation in the long run.

Edited August 4, 2012 by PoopHappens

[karnak]

 

And yes, my wife is already starting to turn people against me. I hear stories and now realize where they are surfacing from. Usually small things to do with decisions or thought patterns, but enough to damage my reputation in the long run.

 

25 years together and she's doing this to you?

 

Sorry, my friend. But she's trash. Excuse me for being so harsh.

[PoopHappens]

25 years together and she's doing this to you?

 

Sorry, my friend. But she's trash. Excuse me for being so harsh.

 

Quite alright Karnak, After 25 years I know she is feeling extreme guilt but can't seem to fess up to the damage she's causing. So is trying to make me look at fault for her poor decisions. It's one thing to blame me but it's another thing to lie to friends and family about something I said. More like distorted the truth so badly it could only be considered a lie. In one case I know she suggested that I may have had a stroke. This is such a joke because I just passed a complicated medical. The more I write the more annoyed I get.

 

Another sad byproduct of this is her attitude towards our daughter. There used to be nothing she wouldn't do for her, nothing. Now because she is always in a hurry and her mind is elsewhere she is always short tempered and they are constantly arguing.

Edited August 5, 2012 by PoopHappens

[karnak]

It's true what they say: we only see a person's true colours when the times are rough.

[PoopHappens]

It's true what they say: we only see a person's true colours when the times are rough.

 

So true. The damage is nearly insurmountable. I want to forgive and move on being married but I can't help but think, what happens if I get sick again? Will I be left out in the cold, thrust aside as an inconvenience? Again?

[worldgonewrong]

Your situation mirrors mine (and no doubt lots of other people's):

wife cheats;

paints you black to people, so they only have 1 side of the story and not the horrible affair side;

wife who used to be attentive to kids now checks out, and it affects the kids.

 

F_ck her. You put in a lot of years like I did, so I know.

And here's the thing - she'll only appreciate the years you had together when you're GONE. As long as you're around, she likes the male competition (in her mind), she likes your suffering. Remove yourself from the equation, and she has to stand on her 2 very shaky feet. I believe in karma.

[karnak]

That's what sickens me the most, concerning these stories: People spend years together. With all that it implies... joys, sorrows, diseases, birth of children, scary moments, anguishes. A million little moments which seem to contain all that which human life is all about. And, in the end, it all leads to nothing.

All these experiences of companionship traded for something as basic and as easy to find as sex with an almost stranger.

 

Is it just pure madness? "Affair fog" like some people call it? Chemical addiction? I don't think so. I think it's more like something related to character. Some people get addicted to heavy drugs. Others never fall into the temptation and never take a puff of marijuana, let alone cocaine or crack.

 

Who, in their right mind, would marry an heroin addict? No-one.

 

Yet, we usually can identify more easily an addict than a cheater.

 

No-one would also marry a pedophile. I know many people will be shocked or offended when I compare a cheater to someone who is sexually attracted to children. But both have something in common. Both kinds of people have a set of "inner demons" which are officially condemned by society. Yet they allow themselves to fall pray to such "demons" or temptations.

 

I've known some people (including very attractive men and women) who are unable to cheat. Even knowing they have other people who are attracted to them. Why won't they cheat? It's not in their nature. To do it would be something as bad as dramatic as changing their gender.

 

No need to justify it. No need to break one's head trying to find a reason for infidelity and the "end of love". Emotions can fade naturally. Some people have the courage to be honest and state it. Like we quit a job that no longer satisfy us. Yet some people want the best of two worlds.

Or are just too cowards to live a life on their own.

[Steen719]

Thanks Radu, My wife is proceeding along as if she can do no harm and no harm will happen. I heard her make a flip comment to my daughter when referencing another break up that divorces are not a problem it's just when people argue that make them a problem. I couldn't get my head around this. I can't imagine the very best (how would you possibly define this?) divorce in the world not being devastating to the children. The child's very sole is breaking up and moving off in different directions. How can this not be a problem?

 

I continue to gather proof of the affair and her indiscretions but I'm not sure how this will be relevant later. Can someone please explain.

 

I have another question. The man involved is single, big problem apparently, but also the martial arts teacher for my wife and daughter. I am slowly weaning my daughter of going to classes by offering alternatives and hope she quits of her own accord. I don't want to expose what's going on right now to her. But I don't want the guy involved in anything my daughter does. I understand that if the relationship continues and we split that he will be a part of my daughters life (this part I find hugely unfair) but until that happens it's hands off. Is this proper thinking?

 

This is an issue that you should do something about. My XH and I owned a Martial Arts school and we belonged to an organization. I can tell you that if he belongs to an organization and is sleeping with a married student, they may take his ability to belong to their organization away. This is most likely a morality clause in their agreement. Contact the owners of that organization. They will be quick to do something. You owe him nothing, so don't be concerned what the fallout is. If at all possible, keep him from doing this to anyone else. It kills me; they are so much about integrity, honesty, blah, blah, blah and there he is sleeping with another man's wife, his student, no less. Some role model he is! UGH!

 

And yes, my wife is already starting to turn people against me. I hear stories and now realize where they are surfacing from. Usually small things to do with decisions or thought patterns, but enough to damage my reputation in the long run.

 

25 years is a long time. My marriage was 22 years and I know what you mean about the entanglement. It's there and it is not easy to maneuver through. It makes the divorce so complicated. My son was 20 when his affair started and 21 when we divorced, so that part is different and it is a significant difference, but you have to live your life and your daughter deserves a happy home, which doesn't seem possible given the circumstances.

 

I think of affairs like drugs. The people involved don't seem to have the awareness of what their behavior does to others around them. Their ability to rationalize and justify their actions and minimize the pain they cause others is unreal to the rest of us. I don't disagree with karnak about the character of a person. My comparison is more about how strong the denial can be.

 

It seems unthinkable, but you will be able to get through all of the changes and twists and turns in the road to and after divorce. I am pretty sure this will take me a long time to truly feel "normal" again, whatever that is, but I am so much better than I was last year at this time and in October, I will be divorced a year.

 

Good luck.