Husband's friend

[jade4071]

My husband is good friends with a guy he met through work several years ago. We live in different areas of the state, about 4 hours apart, but the friend comes to our area 1-2 times a month for work-related reasons. My husband and his friend usually get together after work 1 or 2 of the days his friend is here. Basically, I can't stand the guy. He is pushy, obnoxious, talks WAY too much, and needs to be the center of attention or he gets pissy like a little kid. Additionally, about 5-6 years ago he cheated on and left his wife and turned into a man-whore for awhile. I "get" the man-whore thing after a divorce but he wanted my husband to hit the bars with him, etc. The guy blames me for not "letting" my DH be his wingman and he doesn't like me.

 

FWIW, this is the only friend of DH's that I don't like and I'm not very controlling.....it's not as though I tell my DH he "can't" do something, within reason anyway.

 

My husband didn't get involved with his friend and the wingman thing but does feel he "owes" the guy because he played some part in my husband being promoted back in 2004.....eight years ago. DH tends to be a loyal friend, which is great. But I cannot stand this friend of his, the thought of him makes my blood pressure go up. Part of it is because he once led a pretty sketchy life, IMO anyway.

 

Last night my DH skipped out on agreeing to do something for me so he and this friend could get together after work. We're trying to get one of our kids (21yo) ready to move two states away for school in a very short period of time. He had agreed to work on our 21yo's car and we're near running out of time.

 

Normally hearing about his friend being in town would annoy me slightly but I intentionally wouldn't give it much thought. This time DH p*ssed me off when he couldn't put the get-together off until his friend came back to town again, which is only a few weeks out.

 

I think I might be overreacting about last night.....any thoughts? Also, for the long run, any ideas on how I can better deal with the thought of his friend? I would like to stop feeling annoyed about him but at a loss on how to get there. Side note, I don't want to be this guy's friend or "learn to like him," I just don't want to feel annoyed when he comes around.

[Furious]

Has it crossed your mind that your husband might be a lot more like his friend than he's willing to admit to you.

 

If you had a girlfriend just like your husband's friend would your husband trust you to go to bars with her?

[jade4071]

Has it crossed your mind that your husband might be a lot more like his friend than he's willing to admit to you.

 

If you had a girlfriend just like your husband's friend would your husband trust you to go to bars with her?

 

Yes, the thought has crossed my mind but I don't think he is. However, I do believe he admires his friend's level of "confidence" in large part. His friend is confident, especially with work, but I also think part of it's that he's an arrogant jerk (with women). Not that my DH isn't but his friend is very attractive and has no problems with women....especially the type who tend towards picking jerks as SO's.

 

I do have a work friend (used to be my boss) who is similar to DH's friend but we don't hit the bars, neither one of us drink much. However if we did, I'm not sure DH would like it too much. She's a good one for overstepping her boundaries.

[Furious]

Yes, the thought has crossed my mind but I don't think he is. However, I do believe he admires his friend's level of "confidence" in large part. His friend is confident, especially with work, but I also think part of it's that he's an arrogant jerk (with women). Not that my DH isn't but his friend is very attractive and has no problems with women....especially the type who tend towards picking jerks as SO's.

 

I do have a work friend (used to be my boss) who is similar to DH's friend but we don't hit the bars, neither one of us drink much. However if we did, I'm not sure DH would like it too much. She's a good one for overstepping her boundaries.

 

 

You wouldn't be here if you didn't have concerns, something is off, and you're trying to be flexible by giving your spouse personal space to hang out with his friend. Trust is essential in a marriage, but you have valid concerns about the character of this friend of his.

 

There's that saying, " show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are"

I don't want to make you paranoid, but this friend is a player and for some reason your husband likes hanging around him.

[jade4071]

You wouldn't be here if you didn't have concerns, something is off, and you're trying to be flexible by giving your spouse personal space to hang out with his friend. Trust is essential in a marriage, but you have valid concerns about the character of this friend of his.

 

There's that saying, " show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are"

I don't want to make you paranoid, but this friend is a player and for some reason your husband likes hanging around him.

 

You're right in that he's a player but even that aside, I just don't like the guy. Same personality but a one-woman guy, I still wouldn't like him. The idea of him in my house is enough to drive me out of it.

 

And I've definitely heard that saying before.

 

At any rate, I think I've dissected his buddy long enough here and I'm not concerned with my DH screwing around. If he wanted to he would regardless of his friend. However, I would like input on how to deal with the friend when he comes around. I'm not going to ask my DH to ditch him as a friend and I'd like to not be annoyed when he shows up....I need help in dealing with my own emotions better. Thanks.

Edited August 1, 2012 by jade4071

[jade4071]

jade you are spending too much time thinking about your husband's friend.

 

women like bad boys

 

if you keep obsessing over this guy you might end up being his next conquest

 

Didn't they tell you to not drink the bong water? Go back to your cage....

[BetrayedH]

I think if you had a friend your husband didn't like, I think you'd be mighty pissed if he tried to separate you in some way. Even if she was a bad girl, you would want him to trust and respect you enough to believe that you are still your own person and could separate the way she is from the way that you will be. You wouldn't want your husband treating you as less than an adult and would expect him to be respect that you're able to make your own decisions about who you can hang with. I'm a relatively introverted person; I somewhat enjoy hanging out with extroverts. I enjoy watching their antics and having no part of it. Your H probably enjoys this friendship in a similar fashion. I suggest that think of your H as more of an adult that doesn't need his mommy telling him who he can play with. I'm not trying to insult you, just to give you an alternate way to consider your role so it doesn't drive you nuts. You don't have to like the guy or be pals with him but (short of shirking his responsibilities), he's a grown up and you probably don't tell any other grown ups who they can be friends with.

 

I suggest you treat the more recent event as a separate issue entirely. It has nothing to do with that guy. It has everything to do with your H's priorities and commitments at home.

 

On a side note, while you mentioned that you don't want to stop your H's friendship and you don't have concerns about him cheating, this guy is not a friend of the marriage and hanging out with a serial womanizer is crossing a boundary that he probably shouldn't. If you have a reason to express concern or put your foot down, these ones are valid to bring into the conversation.

 

Good luck.

[jade4071]

I think if you had a friend your husband didn't like, I think you'd be mighty pissed if he tried to separate you in some way. Even if she was a bad girl, you would want him to trust and respect you enough to believe that you are still your own person and could separate the way she is from the way that you will be. You wouldn't want your husband treating you as less than an adult and would expect him to be respect that you're able to make your own decisions about who you can hang with. I'm a relatively introverted person; I somewhat enjoy hanging out with extroverts. I enjoy watching their antics and having no part of it. Your H probably enjoys this friendship in a similar fashion. I suggest that think of your H as more of an adult that doesn't need his mommy telling him who he can play with. I'm not trying to insult you, just to give you an alternate way to consider your role so it doesn't drive you nuts. You don't have to like the guy or be pals with him but (short of shirking his responsibilities), he's a grown up and you probably don't tell any other grown ups who they can be friends with.

 

I suggest you treat the more recent event as a separate issue entirely. It has nothing to do with that guy. It has everything to do with your H's priorities and commitments at home.

 

On a side note, while you mentioned that you don't want to stop your H's friendship and you don't have concerns about him cheating, this guy is not a friend of the marriage and hanging out with a serial womanizer is crossing a boundary that he probably shouldn't. If you have a reason to express concern or put your foot down, these ones are valid to bring into the conversation.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm not concerned about my husband cheating or being around a womanizer. I just don't like the guy because he is a womanizer and I saw for myself what it did to his first wife. This guy is beyond an extrovert, he's a loudmouth jerk. I'm an introvert and extroverts don't bother me in small doses. Most of my friends are extroverted.

 

I don't tell my husband "who he can play with." That's not the point of my post and I clearly stated I'm not going to tell my husband what to do. My question was all about how I can deal with this guy "in my head" better and I made that clear. I want to be able to deal with it better because I know he's not going away.

 

Yes, I do expect my DH to prioritize better when it comes to certain things.....like one of our kids moving two states away in a very short period of time. He was on my azz for a week for me to do my part, which I did, and then ditched out on me while we're running out of time.....and due to someone I can't stand who comes here all the time anyway.

 

At any rate, I just would like some insight on how to deal with the friend better, not be told I'm being controlling or acting like his mommy because I'm not and it isn't the point. I realize wives tend to get a bad rap, generally speaking, for being controlling and naggy. I'm no saint but I generally try to avoid being like that. Thanks.

[jade4071]

Hey Jade - I say you kill him with kindness. Mr. JerkOff won't know what the hell to make of it.

 

Good one.....I was just telling someone yesterday I wished I was better at being fake with some people. I've not been good at this kind of thing in the past but it might be worth a shot.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not concerned about my husband cheating or being around a womanizer. I just don't like the guy because he is a womanizer and I saw for myself what it did to his first wife. This guy is beyond an extrovert, he's a loudmouth jerk. I'm an introvert and extroverts don't bother me in small doses. Most of my friends are extroverted.

 

I don't tell my husband "who he can play with." That's not the point of my post and I clearly stated I'm not going to tell my husband what to do. My question was all about how I can deal with this guy "in my head" better and I made that clear. I want to be able to deal with it better because I know he's not going away.

 

Yes, I do expect my DH to prioritize better when it comes to certain things.....like one of our kids moving two states away in a very short period of time. He was on my azz for a week for me to do my part, which I did, and then ditched out on me while we're running out of time.....and due to someone I can't stand who comes here all the time anyway.

 

At any rate, I just would like some insight on how to deal with the friend better, not be told I'm being controlling or acting like his mommy because I'm not and it isn't the point. I realize wives tend to get a bad rap, generally speaking, for being controlling and naggy. I'm no saint but I generally try to avoid being like that. Thanks.

 

Sorry my post came across in a way that it wasn't intended. You seemed to want a way to look at the situation differently so that it didn't eat you up. I was just trying to say that you could look at this as not being your problem and truly give your husband the freedom to be friends with whatever idiot he wanted to. I didn't mean to suggest you were being controlling or acting like his mommy but simply to suggest that perhaps you could look at it as not your problem at all (except when he makes it your problem as he clearly did recently). I thought THAT might help you to reach more of a point of indifference. My apologies for any offense.

[RedPurse]

Hi, this is how my husband and I feel.

 

We are each other's best friend. We don't have any other close friends other than each other and we do everything together. While we have plenty of acquaintances, we both believe that friends often hurt marriages if not controlled.

 

Your husband's friend sounds like he could be trouble. Every husband needs to do whatever it takes to protect his marriage.

 

Also, if for any reason, the spouse dislikes a friend and has valid reasons, I really feel that the other spouse needs to listen and access the situation.

 

There's also a saying, "birds of the same feathers flock together." In one way or another, your husband identifies himself with his friend.

 

The longer you allow something to happen, the longer it will take to fix it. Being that you have put up with this for a few years, it make take a lot of resistance from your husband to see your side.

 

Regarding the incident that happened with your son's car...I don't think you overreacted but I do feel that because he ditched it for that specific friend, it just fueled the fire.

 

What do you want to happen regarding his friend? For your husband to end the friendship or for him to just not be around you?

[RedPurse]

Sorry my post came across in a way that it wasn't intended. You seemed to want a way to look at the situation differently so that it didn't eat you up. I was just trying to say that you could look at this as not being your problem and truly give your husband the freedom to be friends with whatever idiot he wanted to. I didn't mean to suggest you were being controlling or acting like his mommy but simply to suggest that perhaps you could look at it as not your problem at all (except when he makes it your problem as he clearly did recently). I thought THAT might help you to reach more of a point of indifference. My apologies for any offense.

 

I don't agree spouses should be friends with any idiots they want. Often, friends have a lot of influence and if you spend enough time with someone, they could/would be able to influence your mind.

 

My husband and I feel very strongly about this: as married people, we need to become friends with like-minded people to protect our marriage. We should look for other couples to call as friends. A single/divorced friend in any marriage is trouble.

 

The guy blames me for not "letting" my DH be his wingman and he doesn't like me.

And for this reason above, this is very dangerous to your marriage. Your husband really needs to reconsider friendship with this person. If he doesn't like you, he's going to talk behind your back and will try to convince your husband that you're controlling, among other things, even when you're in the right. Your husband's friend obviously has his own agenda and he's going to persuade your husband as best he can, so he can meet his personal agenda.

Edited August 2, 2012 by RedPurse

[BetrayedH]

RedPurse,

 

You and I actually agree. I am a proponent of boundaries in a marriage and only having "friends of the marriage." The OP wasn't willing to go there and wants to trust her husband so I suggested she go ahead and do so. To be brief, if she doesn't want to get in the way of the friendship and wants to trust him, ok, get out of the way.

 

But in my universe, neither my SO or myself would have any such friends.

[Woggle]

As long as he isn't trying to damage the marriage just tell your husband to not bring him around you often. Sometimes friendships run deeper than family and those bonds last a lifetime. I have friends who are from being angels but they have always been good to me and and that is why I am loyal. I draw the line at trying to damage my marriage though.

[jade4071]

Hi, this is how my husband and I feel.

 

We are each other's best friend. We don't have any other close friends other than each other and we do everything together. While we have plenty of acquaintances, we both believe that friends often hurt marriages if not controlled.

 

Your husband's friend sounds like he could be trouble. Every husband needs to do whatever it takes to protect his marriage.

 

Also, if for any reason, the spouse dislikes a friend and has valid reasons, I really feel that the other spouse needs to listen and access the situation.

 

There's also a saying, "birds of the same feathers flock together." In one way or another, your husband identifies himself with his friend.

 

The longer you allow something to happen, the longer it will take to fix it. Being that you have put up with this for a few years, it make take a lot of resistance from your husband to see your side.

 

Regarding the incident that happened with your son's car...I don't think you overreacted but I do feel that because he ditched it for that specific friend, it just fueled the fire.

 

What do you want to happen regarding his friend? For your husband to end the friendship or for him to just not be around you?

 

I've already mentioned I HAVE NO CONCERNS about my husband and birds of a feather, etc. They have WORK in common and the friend used to be my husband's boss. I am not looking to have my DH see my side, deal with resistance, etc. I would not ask my DH to end a friendship unless it was an extreme circumstance. THAT is controlling behavior.

 

I am looking for ways for me, myself and I to deal with this in my head and not get so annoyed at his friend.

[jade4071]

I don't agree spouses should be friends with any idiots they want. Often, friends have a lot of influence and if you spend enough time with someone, they could/would be able to influence your mind.

 

My husband and I feel very strongly about this: as married people, we need to become friends with like-minded people to protect our marriage. We should look for other couples to call as friends. A single/divorced friend in any marriage is trouble.

 

 

And for this reason above, this is very dangerous to your marriage. Your husband really needs to reconsider friendship with this person. If he doesn't like you, he's going to talk behind your back and will try to convince your husband that you're controlling, among other things, even when you're in the right. Your husband's friend obviously has his own agenda and he's going to persuade your husband as best he can, so he can meet his personal agenda.

 

I absolutely would not ask my husband to do that. The guy's a jerk and a loud mouth, he's not satan. My husband has a mind of his own and my husband is NOT who I'm concerned with. His friend likes to check out women but he's actually happy with his long-term GF who he's marrying this fall. She seems to wear the pants in that relationship, which is likely the only type to deal with that kind of guy effectively.

 

Believe me, I have been accused of being controlling a time or two by my ex husband and my current husband.....neither one of them had to get input from others to come to their own conclusion. I'm not controlling by nature but I tend to know how to drive a point home if I feel strongly about something, which is here and there.

 

If said friend were to talk about me behind my back and that persuaded my DH to damage our marriage, then we don't need to be married. Persuasion via a friend is one thing but DH would be acting on doing the damage. I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't think for himself.

[jade4071]

Sorry my post came across in a way that it wasn't intended. You seemed to want a way to look at the situation differently so that it didn't eat you up. I was just trying to say that you could look at this as not being your problem and truly give your husband the freedom to be friends with whatever idiot he wanted to. I didn't mean to suggest you were being controlling or acting like his mommy but simply to suggest that perhaps you could look at it as not your problem at all (except when he makes it your problem as he clearly did recently). I thought THAT might help you to reach more of a point of indifference. My apologies for any offense.

 

Thanks, no offense taken.

[jade4071]

RedPurse,

 

You and I actually agree. I am a proponent of boundaries in a marriage and only having "friends of the marriage." The OP wasn't willing to go there and wants to trust her husband so I suggested she go ahead and do so. To be brief, if she doesn't want to get in the way of the friendship and wants to trust him, ok, get out of the way.

 

But in my universe, neither my SO or myself would have any such friends.

 

Yes, I trust my DH and I have no desire to get in the way of their friendship. His friend was once his boss and essentially helped him to get where he is now; he feels he owes the guy a certain amount of loyalty. But I maintain my DH does his own thinking. I don't have concerns there.

 

His friend and me clash big time and there's the issue of his first wife. She and I were friends and she was hurt badly by him and his wayward behavior. He'll be marrying again in a few months and hopefully he treats this one better. He does seem as though he's made improvements in some areas of his life, time will tell.

[serial muse]

I agree with the point about trying to keep your issues with this friend and your issue with your H blowing off his responsibility separate...the second thing isn't really about the friend, per se. But since your question was more about how to treat this friend...

 

It's interesting that this friend is now getting married again; that might change the whole dynamic all over again, I suspect.

 

I'm curious - I know that you have a longstanding distaste for this guy, but has he changed at all since he's been in another long-term relationship? No longer hitting the bars, etc? I guess what I'm wondering is whether - perhaps due to your friendship with his ex-wife - you're holding on to animosity toward him. If he is showing signs of maturing again and being less of a jerk, would you be willing to "forgive" him or re-evaluate your opinion of him?

[jade4071]

Duck Soup.....you make me laugh but enough already, ok? Go hang out on someone else's thread. There are no sparks between my DH's friend and me, don't care about his package, if it involves a guest in my home then it is my business. If it involves my husband it's my business. Friend's first wife is my friend and there are/will be times I have to spend time with his soon-to-be second wife, so it's my business.

 

Also, I don't have to "butt out" of anything because I'm not butting into anyone's business.

 

Basically, whatever you said in your far too many and lengthy replies to my post, I'm retorting them. Now stop posting, seriously.

[jade4071]

I agree with the point about trying to keep your issues with this friend and your issue with your H blowing off his responsibility separate...the second thing isn't really about the friend, per se. But since your question was more about how to treat this friend...

 

It's interesting that this friend is now getting married again; that might change the whole dynamic all over again, I suspect.

 

I'm curious - I know that you have a longstanding distaste for this guy, but has he changed at all since he's been in another long-term relationship? No longer hitting the bars, etc? I guess what I'm wondering is whether - perhaps due to your friendship with his ex-wife - you're holding on to animosity toward him. If he is showing signs of maturing again and being less of a jerk, would you be willing to "forgive" him or re-evaluate your opinion of him?

 

Yes, I think he has changed some. I know at a certain point he took the proverbial look around and realized all his friends were married and none of the guys are interested in doing the same crap anymore. My DH hasn't been in a bar in who knows how long, neither one of us drink much and if we do we make sure to be at home. Risks aren't worth it. He and his friend usually meet at the same restaurant.

 

I do have resentment for him regarding his ex. It's hard to see a friend put through that crap and I do hope he treats his soon-to-be-wife better. The other part is his obnoxiousness.....I don't know about that one.