GG3 Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Backdrop: I dated this guy for about 5 months. We had met on a project at work and were friends first. We are both engineers. In hindsight he was a little socially strange but I didn't know what to think of that at the time. For the first three months, things were great. No fights, no drama, saw each other and talked a lot. He pursued a lot. Told me he wanted to take a cruise, kept pushing that he knew he was busy but wanted me to be a part of things. I had thought at the point he was going to tell me he was falling in love. He took a trip to see his family and when he came back, was never the same. In person just as loving but didn't want to talk on the phone anymore. Said we didn't have "good conversations and we needed to work on it." He told me he was "in a funk." He finally called one day and told me that he hasn't been able to have feelings of love for another person in 15 years. His last girlfriend moved in with him and he said "she was really nice, did a lot of things and cooked for me but I could never tell her I loved her." I was floored by the call. I thought I had finally found a healthy relationship and while he may not have been the one, was going to be with him for a while. He did say that almost all of his relationships have been long distance so that he can do his activities and then just see someone on the weekend. When I mentioned commitmentphobe, he said that has come up before. For two months I tried working on things...communicating, tried spending time with him and bonding with him. It felt like he was on another planet. He insisted that nothing had happened. He hadn't talked to any exes. He couldn't say why he pulled back. He kept insisting "I don't know." It sounds like he has done this a lot. At the end, I asked if he has gone to counseling and he says he "knows he should." The last weekend I spent with him, he was workaholicing more than ever (he seems addicted to work or something) and I could tell he was doing it to create more distance. I got mad and told him that no one deserves to be treated the way I was being treated. He only saw me one saturday afternoon in two weeks at that point. I broke up with him and asked him if he was just trying to push me to break up with him and he said no and kept insisting he still "liked me" and that he did like talking to me, blah blah blah. None of it made any sense. I got no real answers. I hate this. Now I'm depressed. I don't know how anyone could be so into you for 3 months and then do a flop. And then if he was stringing me along...do it for two months while I tried to work on things. And then keeps insisting "believe me I'm really into you. i'm really standoffish" I tried to tell myself I may never know the real answer and to move on. But I'm just so depressed. I don't understand. My friends met him and told me they thought he was depressed because he seemed so emotionally flat. I don't know what to think. I hate to embarrass myself further by talking to him. And I feel bad because I was mad when I broke up with him. I didn't want to be mean but I wanted him to understand that how i was being treated wasn't okay. I deserved to be told if he lost interest. What does everyone else think?
spiderowl Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 He is an engineer. I know you are too but engineers are notorious for being clueless about relationships and empathy. I guess there are some exceptions. He sounds like someone I know whose wife left him in the end when she realised he'd only ever been affectionate with her when he wanted sex, he never understood her or empathised with her, and he was controlling (because things are supposed to be a certain way and he couldn't cope with people not following the rules). I think maybe you are trying to get something from the guy that he doesn't have. He has said he prefers a weekend relationship - probably because he mostly likes to do his own thing but has a need for sex and affection once in a while. I'm sure you need an emotional and physical connection more than once a week. I suspect he is confused by your needs. He probably doesn't understand them, because they are different from his, and probably doesn't care all that much. It sounds like he's not capable of giving you that connection you need. For your own sake, don't hope he will change. You are better off finding a guy with empathy and humanity who isn't just looking for a woman to serve his needs occasonally.
Author GG3 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 He is an engineer. I know you are too but engineers are notorious for being clueless about relationships and empathy. I guess there are some exceptions. He sounds like someone I know whose wife left him in the end when she realised he'd only ever been affectionate with her when he wanted sex, he never understood her or empathised with her, and he was controlling (because things are supposed to be a certain way and he couldn't cope with people not following the rules). I think maybe you are trying to get something from the guy that he doesn't have. He has said he prefers a weekend relationship - probably because he mostly likes to do his own thing but has a need for sex and affection once in a while. I'm sure you need an emotional and physical connection more than once a week. I suspect he is confused by your needs. He probably doesn't understand them, because they are different from his, and probably doesn't care all that much. It sounds like he's not capable of giving you that connection you need. For your own sake, don't hope he will change. You are better off finding a guy with empathy and humanity who isn't just looking for a woman to serve his needs occasonally. Thanks. That's what I need to hear.
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