recent discovery..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I am in a big dilemma right now. I've just recently discovered a fewdevelopments about my ex that has really changed how I interpreted her. I amnot sure if you've read my thread nearly a year ago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/303434-catharsis-how-i-should-stop-worrying-just-move

but as you have noticed I was really distraught, confused, and angry at howmy ex acted through the entire time we knew eachother (as friends and in a brief relationship). I really hated this woman and thought she was one of themost coldest human beings on the planet ( although my reaction to this was far from decent either..), and that our little tryst was mearely a meaningless dalliance for her that was pretty much founded on the fact that I bombarded her withattention. I was wrong...

 

i dont know all the details but it turns out she might have schizoid personality disorder...I cannot fathom how much this explains why she became distant to me, but also that it was merely my "histrionics" and pressing for answers that caused things to get to where htey enviably ended. I made an observationthat she might have autism, yet.. I never imagined this to be an outcome. Howcan I properly verbalize how in the space of nearly 2 days of knowing this,that this is basically condensed and explained 3 years of angst, disorder and contention that has essentially been caused by something that was out of both our control. I can trace back roughly to every passing moment where I might have been too emotionally charged for her (even when in most relationships some of the behaviour would be considered comfortable), and why she distanced herself in the process. I was so worked up in wanting to know whyshe seemed to be so interested in becoming close with me only for her todistance herself as well why she had abrupt changes in mood and personality(answer found....), that the process of inquiry must have been insufferable andsuffocating for her.

 

And I never had any clue i was doing any of this. Of course i have myproblems too, manic depression social anxiety, etc, but it seemed that the seemingly superficial components that were still in my control is what essentially destroyed the entirepotential of not only our love but our friendship.

 

We seemed like we were getting close, I believe now she wished it to be completely as friends... but of course i wanted more.. as soon as I tried to express myself she got more and more distant, which made me feel confused and angry. I responded to this by trying to get a tangible answer from her, one that would satisfy me , yet how could she verbalize something she never knew she quite had?

 

It became a endless cycle, until finally she realised that she could nothandle this and shut down completely from me. I know I didnt know but, I just cant help but feel I destroyed something really special, maybe not love but atleast a close friendship.

 

we both come from a position of being closed off from the world, while notquite in-sync with eachother emotionally, i kind of felt a certain clickbetween us that I don't think I could ever replace. (if this make sence). weboth had a interest in things underappreciated and finally had a way ofexpressing those interests to someone else (i.e. eachother respectively).

 

I know ofc talking about emotions in a capacity as friends would have alsohad a simular effect, but our passion for simular interests made our entiretime together feel real, palpable and warm. I felt comfortable with her in away I rarely do with friends, even with some of her emotional fluxes, but Iwont lie but the time we had together in our better moments were probably oneof the most memorable moments in my life. I maybe stuck in halcyon days, maybeif I re-visit those moments again they would not hold as much purchase as theyhave on me know, but I cant help but wonder what would have happened if I juststopped myself from projecting on her and just enjoyed what we had rather thanasking for more...

 

and when I tried to tell her how I feel and only witness her get more andmore distanced, I never knew that it was mearly because I was causing her somuch distress.

 

And then I blew my gasket and made a full assault on her entire demeanour,including stating how her life style was unhealthy and also making fun of herinterests , and saying she is stuck in a stupid little microcosm of her ownfantasy. F***.... just f***.

 

I did'nt just burn a bridge, I completely decimated all its foundations downto the last abutment.

I think any possibility to rebuild such a way to connectagain, has gone.

 

I can’t imagine whats shes going through right now. Icheated alittle after learning about her condition and checked her art page,and well she seems to have this duality of personas that she calls herself, orlike a triad in others. One picture that caught me was where she has a sencible version of herself on one side a silly version in another then a cat-likecharacter wearing a brown paper bag over their face in the middle. And I have a feeling that this requirement to search for a prognosis wasspawned from me suggesting that she was autistic. Maybe there are things that are best leftuntouched, maybe I shouldn’t have pressed her on the matter of her aloofness. Yesher lifestyle was worrisome, but she was happy like this, until I pointed outthat this I something that this should cause concern. I didn’t want her to gothrough what appears to be an identity crisis,I still hurt too , I wish this never precipitated the way it did, and I wouldgladly take back everything I said, but I didn’t in any stretch of imaginationthink this would have come to fruition.

 

The sad truth is, even though I WANT to contact her, I wantto apologise and ensure that she isn’t alone in all this, and even though I knowwe lovers I would still be a friend . I think she was hurt by the fact that Idistanced myself from her too, when it seemed like I was nothing to her, but Iread her VERY wrong. I heard that when under this disorder people feel amassive fear of rejection, I never meantto display this, as it was merely me trying to protect myself from becominghurt by her in a fashion to what I have been hurt by other women in the past.We both have really read the whole distancing motion totally wrong.

 

And the thing is nomatter what I do it will be suffocating for her. If I tell her I will be aclose friend and will not abandon her ever, then that would still beemotionally flooding for her and she would put even more distance between us. WhateverI do will make things worse.

 

I won’t lie right now there still is a self-serving reasonto establish contact, which I will admit and say I am aware of, thus would havenot contacted her straight away due to the fact that really it would be a smokescreento potentially slide myself through that open door for reconciliation, I can’tlie about it, and thus have to not be self-serving in my intentions. But still itseems like even when I have “moved on” I have never speak to her again, becauseit would simply cause her more distress…

 

I don’t know what I should do… primarily because I don’t thinkshe wanted me to know this…

 

Deep down I will always love her and looking back I don’t regretmeeting her at all, I know now that noneof this was her fault, and she was simply trapped and didn’t know how to respondto what was a very disempowering situation. I would tell her she’s not aloneand that this prognosis does not at all change who she is, and that she shouldnot feel self-conflicted to what she should think about herself. If I could Iwould always be a close friend whom she could count on and tell her that thisshould really change nothing, but again the damage would still be fresh in her memory.

 

She IS still unique,talented and a creatively flourishing young woman who out of a seemingly dull world can mould it into a creation that is scintillating with a rich and inspired design. I guess she at least for a few brief moments made my world seem less dull, worn out and desiccated. I suppose I just was too determined to makewhat was already special so much more. I dont know what shes feeling right now, I just hope she can get better, and if that means never seeing her again then fine, I just want to know that she is ok..

 

I am sorry if I am being abit ott its just.. I don’t knowhow to feel or what to do you know?

Edited July 31, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I dont mean to be pressing but is there anyone out there can at least point me in the right direction... I just dont know what to do..

[salmagundi]

while i can, with a little effort, pin a cluster b personality disorder on just about every woman who has ever broken up with me i think that diagnosing your exes as narcissist and bpd's and whatnot is only useful for scouring the internet for confirmation that her every tic and annoying habit is evidence that she is crazy and you are okay.

 

I think its otherwise counterproductive. In any case, if she is schizoid or whatever, what does that make you? Someone who is attracted to unstable, squirrelly psychotic women?

 

I think its better to focus on you, what you did, how you contributed to the breakup and what you can do to better yourself and make better choices in women next time.

 

Leave the psychoanalysis to her therapist...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

If u read my comment I am not calling her crazy at all ( I am assuming you dont know what Schizoid personality disorder is?) please dont assume such a thing and please dont use a term to describe her, its hurtful.... ( besides I wouldnt say I am a ok person myself, as you can see I have my fits of paranoid and anxiety.. so yea) my older posts may have shown such ignorance and I am sorry for it, but I didnt know what I know now.I've just found out something about her and thus I am just worried. I am focusing on what I did because I AM to blame for most of this.... I didnt realise she had this problem from the start and my histronics merely added salt to the wounds, and i am just worried if she ok or not as I feel that I was the reason things got this far, yet if I approach her I dont know how she will take it. this is my dilemma..

 

basically not sure if I should see if shes ok or not... though I probably know what most of u are going to say...

Edited July 31, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I am just having emotional spurts right now and not sure what to do..

[IfiKnewThen]

hey how r ya TJG? <-----lots of abbreviations there. ( lol) anyway just saying hi and read your post. honestly, i would (yes after all this time) just go up to her and say "hey i am sorry if i hurt or offended you in the past. i hope by now you realize in your heart i didnt mean any harm. i feel foolish now looking back at some of the things i said, and of course didnt mean them. how are you? how have you been?"

 

period. case closed. there is no need to get deep or write long letters. (not that you would) but i would keep it simple. though you obviously still harbor romantic feelings for her ...or for the couldnt have beens and should have beens, i am sure you have grown and she has grown some too. (disorder or not) and i dont know how you know she has this disorder.....but what does it matter really? either she was quit immature and insensitive b4 or she had/has this disorder and is socially withdrawn...etc. either way, i am sure she didnt mean to hurt you. and if she did mean to hurt you..then she would be a loser, wouldnt she? so you see my point? the former is forgivable...the latter means shes not for you anyway. you have to try to forgive yourself here too. you learned. now you know some things about yourself and her possibly.

 

you have nothing to lose here but pride and some confidence. if you want to be friends...it takes action. period. try to make a move and dont expect anything from her in return as far as what kind of a response you want or hope for...and be happy with yourself that you can take charge of your life and not let all these emotions control you. approaching her would be worth all that. just knowing this doesn't have to have a hold on you anymore and you can move forward. all that was said and done has already past. make this a new day. instead of a daydream. God bless.

[Sugarkane]

I don't think you need to apologize it's not your fault. I mean she never apologized for hurting you did she? I wouldn't bother it doesn't change anything.

[esteem-jam]

What is your source that says she has the disorder?

You got a diagnosis paper from a psychiatrist in your hands and you see the diagnose there?

Or you concluded this yourself?

 

I hope its the former (first case).

 

While in your mind it may say "aha, so thats why she dont like me, that explains it!" -- in reality, it does not explain anything in your relationship.

You may think -- OK, we fix this and then she will be together with me! ---> WRONG.

There are tons of women out there WITHOUT a disorder x, y, or n, and they still dont want to be with you, or me, or him or her. And there are tons of women out there that have some disorder/issue on top of them - but this does not give you or anyone the right to say they will like you.

 

I am quite disappointed by your post.

And the dilemma you are talking about - there is none, there is no dilemma. People with social anxiety, narcissists - they like the least when somebody is patronizing them, they dont like when someone tries to rule, direct their lives. They know better, they are smarter than you (or so they think) and they have their own plans. In their minds: if someone is pushing with rules about their life, they shut that person out, because that person is dumb, retarder, idiot (by default, in their minds), and even so dumb they dont see that the narcissist has their own plans and everything figured. Giving advice - in their mids it seems like their worth and smartness was not acknowledged (great people dont need advice), therefore anyone trying to rule them will be shut down.

Edited August 1, 2012 by esteem-jam

[todreaminblue]

I dont mean to be pressing but is there anyone out there can at least point me in the right direction... I just dont know what to do..

 

 

When my ex and I split up it was actually ....nah I will take it forward a bit.I was in hospital getting sessions of ect.While I was in there my ex would not stay home and look after the kids who were devastated.I would call up and foggy as all crap I would plead with him to do the right thing.He would get nasty with me and tell me I would never see the girls again if i didnt shut up.I shut up.I hung up and bolted into a sealed glass door and smashed myself into the front door over and over again trying to get out.Till they horse tranquilised me and as the tranquiliser started to take effect it was pretty quick.I swore to myself as i cried into unconsciousness I would never feel the same way about him again.

 

 

Moral of the story........I changed my mind, I forgave him for all the horrible things he said and did when I needed support as I find it impossible to hate anyone and I moved interstate, he begged me to stay. I needed a fresh start.Not so long ago I defended him, I wanted him back he is so great, we had unbelievable sex i mean the sort of sex that burns the sheets,

 

 

I loved him with every part of me I gave it all to him I was devoted.I cant go back now I cant lie to myself anymore he wanted me to be a little bit on the side.I am not that girl.

 

I cant be, I invest all I have, I expect the same in return.Let go.....If I can you can ....the relationship was special for you as it was in my case.Smile at the memories and find some new ones to take their place.....good luck soldier......you may have lost this time there is a high probability you wont lose the next time and that relationship will be the one you love the most.....good luck and best wishes from me to you....deb

[todreaminblue]

while i can, with a little effort, pin a cluster b personality disorder on just about every woman who has ever broken up with me i think that diagnosing your exes as narcissist and bpd's and whatnot is only useful for scouring the internet for confirmation that her every tic and annoying habit is evidence that she is crazy and you are okay.

 

I think its otherwise counterproductive. In any case, if she is schizoid or whatever, what does that make you? Someone who is attracted to unstable, squirrelly psychotic women?

 

I think its better to focus on you, what you did, how you contributed to the breakup and what you can do to better yourself and make better choices in women next time.

 

Leave the psychoanalysis to her therapist...

 

 

schizoid hey, yes leave it to the therapist because mere mortally deficient men such as yourself would become unglued quicker than what she would.You would be a giggling mess within a month then its your turn schizoid....toodles

[TheJiltedGeneration]

What is your source that says she has the disorder?

You got a diagnosis paper from a psychiatrist in your hands and you see the diagnose there?

Or you concluded this yourself?

 

I hope its the former (first case).

 

While in your mind it may say "aha, so thats why she dont like me, that explains it!" -- in reality, it does not explain anything in your relationship.

You may think -- OK, we fix this and then she will be together with me! ---> WRONG.

There are tons of women out there WITHOUT a disorder x, y, or n, and they still dont want to be with you, or me, or him or her. And there are tons of women out there that have some disorder/issue on top of them - but this does not give you or anyone the right to say they will like you.

 

I am quite disappointed by your post.

And the dilemma you are talking about - there is none, there is no dilemma. People with social anxiety, narcissists - they like the least when somebody is patronizing them, they dont like when someone tries to rule, direct their lives. They know better, they are smarter than you (or so they think) and they have their own plans. In their minds: if someone is pushing with rules about their life, they shut that person out, because that person is dumb, retarder, idiot (by default, in their minds), and even so dumb they dont see that the narcissist has their own plans and everything figured. Giving advice - in their mids it seems like their worth and smartness was not acknowledged (great people dont need advice), therefore anyone trying to rule them will be shut down.

 

 

I guess i was too buzy looking for cause and effect with how she seemed so engaged then just distance herself.. liek I said I know she doesntlove me PERIOD let me make that clear.. just I feel terrible I challenged her on a few things when I had no clue about what was really going on in her mind or how she felt. I was out of my depth, hell this entire thread shows I am out of my depth..

 

 

COULD A MOD PLEASE DELETE.. I found my answer essentially,

Edited August 1, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

mortally or morally.. i'am sorry guys.. i just didnt want her out of my life, even if it meant as just as friends I've never met anyone.. fine I am being selfish.. i am being stupid.. I just cant believe I will never see her again.. I didnt mean to say it like she is crazy or it was her disorder that caused her not to love me, it wasnt, your right she didnt love me because she didnt love me, it's just I denounced her as a bitch without knowing that it wasnt her fault..

 

 

WILL SOME ONE PLEASE DELETE THIS THREAD..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

this was really selfish of me, its just I heard it and was shellshocked, I shouldnt being the disorder to question as I dont know the developments in length. just was told that was being diagnosed recently and thought F*** when I said what I said prior to her getting a check up, and wondering if it has really hurt her.. badly...

 

before this diagnosis there was no mention that she had it, she didnt know, and I didnt know and just thought she was playing mind tricks ok? now I know I just feel what I said might have damaged her self esteem.

 

I guess there is no point in approaching at all.. I'll just make things worse..

 

IT SHOULDNT MATTER WHETHER OR NOT SHE HAS IT SHE DOESNT LOVE ME I F******* KNOW OK!!! DO I HAVE TO PUT THIS IN BIG DAMN LETTERS WITH FLASHING LIGHTS SO YOU ALL SEE!!!!. I JUST SAID SOME RETARDED THINGS TO HER AND WORRIED I HURT HER BADLY AS I DIDNT REALISE SHE HAD THIS. I do care about her

 

is there a procedure to delete this entire thing...? tried contact but no responce......

I just know I am going to miss her.. she was more special to me than what any1 would know..

Edited August 1, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration

[William]

Members don't get to decide and instruct moderation staff as to what to do with threads. It's a public forum and moderation follows site policy. If you wish to be banned and your membership here deleted, that is possible. However, it will also mean you will never be able to use this forum again. Alert on this post with your choice, as appropriate.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

Members don't get to decide and instruct moderation staff as to what to do with threads. It's a public forum and moderation follows site policy. If you wish to be banned and your membership here deleted, that is possible. However, it will also mean you will never be able to use this forum again. Alert on this post with your choice, as appropriate.

 

I wasnt trying to order I am sorry, I just now realised I wrote something that was abit silly and wanted it to be deleted as no one needs to see my dumb post.

 

I've cooled down abit, I just got abit of a anxiety attack last night and wanted to rectify what I said.

 

the truth was if I can be clear with u guys, I know any condition wouldnt cause her not to like me, please read that clearly. I am not trying to place blame and to be honest the condition would not be the deciding factor to what happened in our relationship . But while I was trying to read why she was distant during being together, i was pressuring her and wondered why she was being distant, when the reason was because i the pressuring was hurting her in ways I couldnt imagine. is that clear? I did not realise that the pressuring was hurting her basically.

 

 

what I was panicing about was I said a few things before the possible diagnosis, that might have scarred her and was worried that she would be ok right now. I can see though I would do more damage than good so will obviously not be contacting her ever. If I want her to be ok then simple answer is dont bother as I will do more damage as I am just a retarded idiot anyway who needs to stop being a big baby.

 

William : I read it could be possible to delete at least MY posts (not anyone elses) on this thread, is that ok? if you cannot do that then I dont know what else to do.. I am sorry if I seemed strident, just when i saw peoples reactions I paniced as I didnt expect them to be like this at all. I was just looking for help. I just dont want to leave behind this mess is all. I am sorry if I hurt everyone on this thread..

[Stellar Wench]

COULD A MOD PLEASE DELETE

WILL SOME ONE PLEASE DELETE THIS THREAD

The OP of this thread did not instruct anyone. He asked if his thread could be deleted, ignorant of this forum's policy. Last I checked, ignorance was not a violation of site policy.

 

This is the Coping Forum, and I hope there could be a little more compassion, especially by the moderators who should lead by example.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I did inform them through contact us several times to delete though, I was panicing and got anxious.. so i can see why they are not quite pleased... I just dont want to leave this memory behind if thats possible.. I will leave this site permanently I think thats for the best.. but please could you AT least delete MY posts on this thread and keep the others...

[IfiKnewThen]

hi my friend TJG and hugs,

 

you did nothing wrong. i promise you. just try ( i know its hard) to maybe be more cavalier. like i said ..say hi to her. maybe say sorry. but note: its not about that YOU did anything wrong...you never did. sorry's mean can we start over and just say hi. and make the other person feel you are giving an olive branch is all. be friendly acquaintances, if you will. its about making peace with the past. you can do it internally yes...and never speak to her again. or you can do it internally and speak to her. (i like that idea better : ) i can almost promise you..it will bring peace about in your soul. and you did nothing wrong on this forum to be removed as a "member". but i hope you get anything you wish for, as far as them editing. but u have nothing to be ashamed of. youre brilliant and sensitive and human. and if no one like it, thats their problem. God bless.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I think I misinterpretated a few people in their msg and paniced, but yea I really didnt mean to SEEM like I was blaming the relationship on her condition (thats unfair) just that I didnt realise she (might of) had it and thus I was trying to get a emotional commitment out of her that was actually really distressful for her...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

thank you IFIKnewhen... I would like to contact her but i am not sure she wont just dismiss me, humour me or just flat out reject me. I am not sure she would respond openly to friendship as my last few emails to her over a year ago did burn the bridge. In my own time I would like to be friends with her as I do care about her and love her enough to know she doesnt quite feel the same way yet was willing to be friends. I did overreact a few times mind, and that in itself does not put me in good stead. I've had a year to think things over yet.. I am not quite over her yet.. but I would like to stay in contact and eventually she her again as a friend, I guess I just have afeeling the damage cannot be repaired...

 

 

I am gonna sit on this.. I guess there is no harm in it as the worst she could say is no... I am not quite stable enough to meet her in person or anything, but I still want to keep in contact..

[IfiKnewThen]

go ahead : ) go for it. i can almost promise you that after all this time...it WILL be ok and work out to just "talk". say hi. thats the ice breaker right there. you really have NOTHING at all to lose. good luck;)