wolfman Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I’ve been married for 18 years and have 2 girls 17 and 14. My wife and I are roommates who fight all the time. Over the last 4 years or so after my dad died, the fighting has gotten worse. We disagree on fundamental things like money, extended family, parenting, sex. Noting gets any better, I call it mean reversion: things always drift back to the same old bad relationship. We have been in marriage counseling for over a year but not much improvement. Our fighting is not as bad as it was by there is still a coldness in the air. It's effecting the kid too. Over the years something has happened to me where I just don’t care anymore and do not really want to be married anymore. All I think about is starting over with a new life without my wife. I am not cheating or anything like that, I just want to do what I want to do. She tends to control every aspect of our household and I have given up on trying to have a voice. Now that you have a general Idea of my situation, here is my question, I have left several times and told her I want to leave and she goes through has a complete fit saying everything she can to make me feel as guilty as possible, how I am not following through on my obligations to the family, and threatens me saying the marriage will not be amicable. I am not worried about the last one but the guilt is killing me, and is the only thing keeping me hear. When I tell her I will stay I feel a sense of dread deep down in my soul, like I just let myself down. Does anyone else have this problem, if so how did you overcome it? [FONT=Calibri] [/FONT]
LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 This is interesting for me to read because I sound like your wife..and my husband just bit the bullet and left me. The only difference is that he never really tried, and you have. You went to counseling and made an effort. Seeing as how you made an effort in the home, maybe you could suggest being separated and then going to counseling if you were open to it. Its not fair to her that you're giving her the hope that you'll come around and be happy with her again if you know in your soul you wont be. You can still take care of your kids and responsibilities without her in your life, as I am learning now. Sometimes resentment is a brick wall to thick to break through, and maybe time away from staring at that wall will help you notice a way around it, or you'll just be able to walk about from it and so will she. Metaphors always help in my opinion. Brick wall= relationship..good stuff right? She's probably scared of change and having no more familiarity. Or at least thats my fear. I wasn't totally happy with my husband, as a matter of fact I was out of love and unhappy, but would fight to the death to keep our family together because change is SCARY! No matter what, this post helped me see the man's perspective on things.
Author wolfman Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Thank you LvRorynVan, interesting perspective. I do think she is not in love with me as was in your case and we would all be better off in the end. I don’t know what I am feeling resentment, there were times I felt that way but now it’s just I just don’t caring anymore and don't want to try. but when I tried to leave and she starts on the waterworks and the guilt kills me. And you are right about not being fair to her that I keep giving her hope when all I want to do is leave. The bad thing is these episodes of leaving plays out in front of the kids.
LvRorynVan Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I would say you're going to just have to be strong enough and follow through on what your gut is telling you to do, not what your guilt is telling you what to do. Think of it this way, you're standing in the way of HER future happiness. Try to think of that when you tell her you want to leave. You sound exhausted. You dont want your kids to think that is what a relationship looks like, and they could repeat it in their own relationships and react the same way. Be a good example and show them that sometimes someone has to be strong enough to fight for the happiness of the family by stopping the fighting. Think of it that way!
JD1977 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 First off, nothing should ever be playing out infront of the kids, this needs to be between you and your wife. I guarantee this back and forth will be worse on them. It's sounds like your mind is made up about leaving, and at some point you will. But until that time stop thinking of her as the means to your misery, and try to be polite and respectful. It will only make your day better! You may feel a certain amount of guilt when you leave but I think most people do, regardless of the situation. Life will get good again!
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Wolfman: In many ways, your situation (both mental and marital) is similar to mine. There are some technical differences between our respective situations, but the basic environment seems to be the same. The above said, I can tell you that misplaced guilt and a misplaced sense of responsibility will start (if it hasn't already) to drain the life out of you. You have been married for 18 years. I have been married for 27. Ask yourself if you want 9 more years of your current situation. Recently, my son moved out of the house. It was kind of a somber moment for me - a little empty nest syndrome I guess. At any rate, I asked him if he was okay with leaving. He said that while he was a little said, most of his memories - living in the only house he had ever known - were mostly bad ones. This speaks volumes.
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