Don't understand this

[Stoneman70]

Hmmm....I feel like everyone is attacking you.

 

Okay, I think I know what your MM was thinking....he was probably thinking I miss her and love her and I want to call her, but I must find a reason to tell her if she asks why I'm calling. I think he assumed you would be mad at him leaving, not assuming you would say what you did.

 

If he picked up the phone and decided to make an international call to you, he still has feelings for you. His action of calling shows that and im a man.

[jwi71]

It only matters so I can let go. It's a nagging feeling and its hard. I'm in therapy and can hopefully work through it.

 

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter WHY he called - and I stand by my assertion he has a plausible reason to think you are stalker-ish, especially after what you said when he called.

 

And following up and continuing what nofool4u said...it's your reaction that deserves investigation.

 

You haven't moved on. While ones healing is variable in speed, I would NOT expect someone in MC and months later to blurt out "I love you".

 

Something you should work on in MC.

 

Except you can't. Because you are still lying.

 

I'm willing to bet your MC asked about infidelity. Did he/she?

 

Did you outright lie or lie by omission?

 

How can you expect to work on your M in MC if only you know of the A?

How can you expect the MC to help if the MC doesn't have a full and complete picture? Same for your H?

 

Let me ask, why do you wish to remain M to your H?

Why is D not an option here?

[herenow]

Hmmm....I feel like everyone is attacking you.

 

Okay, I think I know what your MM was thinking....he was probably thinking I miss her and love her and I want to call her, but I must find a reason to tell her if she asks why I'm calling. I think he assumed you would be mad at him leaving, not assuming you would say what you did.

 

If he picked up the phone and decided to make an international call to you, he still has feelings for you. His action of calling shows that and im a man.

 

So, a guy who loves and misses a woman calls her to say that he is happy and have a nice life. Does not sound like love to me. It sounds like someone who wants to makes sure his message is clear. IMO, if he had feelings for her, the call would have been a bit nicer and not so straight to the point. Are you saying that, as a man, you would have done the same to a woman you love?

[woinlove]

Hmmm....I feel like everyone is attacking you.

 

Okay, I think I know what your MM was thinking....he was probably thinking I miss her and love her and I want to call her, but I must find a reason to tell her if she asks why I'm calling. I think he assumed you would be mad at him leaving, not assuming you would say what you did.

 

If he picked up the phone and decided to make an international call to you, he still has feelings for you. His action of calling shows that and im a man.

 

If he was thinking he missed her and loved her, why would he not say so? xMM called me two years after I ended things just to say he loved me and missed me. I didn't return those words because they weren't true for me. But why do you think this man would not say he missed her and loved her if he did? You didn't behave like that, the MM I knew didn't behave like that, why do you think this particular MM behaved like that? If he felt that and went to all the trouble of calling, why not tell her?

[Stoneman70]

You're projecting . . . and reaching because of your own circumstances.

 

You called your xMW. Eventually she called you back. She didn't say what you wanted to hear just like the OP. You therefore think she's in love with you AND are obsessing and wondering why she called you back.

 

Not exactly. If my Xmw called ME, its a different story. I called her because I missed her. Who cares if she didn't return my sentiment? She didn't initiate contact, as goldfsh79s mm. The person initiating contact is making the action. There is no explanation more clear than their action.

[Stoneman70]

If he was thinking he missed her and loved her, why would he not say so? xMM called me two years after I ended things just to say he loved me and missed me. I didn't return those words because they weren't true for me. But why do you think this man would not say he missed her and loved her if he did? You didn't behave like that, the MM I knew didn't behave like that, why do you think this particular MM behaved like that? If he felt that and went to all the trouble of calling, why not tell her?

 

My thinking is he called cuz he missed her, regretted it, and when she answered tried to do the right thing and say hey I'm ok, I'm married, have a nice life,bye. If hes anything like me, he might be feeling angry about her trying to cut offcontact with him in the past as she stated.

[Stoneman70]

He may still be holding on to pain she caused him, who knows?

 

And I left without warning to S. So, since he did too, its doesn't mean he was trying to send her a message of I hate you, get away.

 

That's my take.

[herenow]

Not exactly. If my Xmw called ME, its a different story. I called her because I missed her. Who cares if she didn't return my sentiment? She didn't initiate contact, as goldfsh79s mm. The person initiating contact is making the action. There is no explanation more clear than their action.

 

Well, to be real, it was her who initiated the contact by asking his co-worker about him. I have no problem with what she did, but lets not make more of this than it appears to be.

 

Fact - She asked the co-worker

Fact - He told he he called because she asked the co-worker

 

Why are those facts not enough to make the assumption he is telling her the truth about why he called?

[herenow]

He may still be holding on to pain she caused him, who knows?

 

And I left without warning to S. So, since he did too, its doesn't mean he was trying to send her a message of I hate you, get away.

 

That's my take.

 

No one said he hates her. But, I think the stay away part is probably true.

[herenow]

What pain?

 

The man (like most MM) got caught and removed himself from the situation because he was terrified his wife was going to divorce him.

 

And another thing - don't be surprised IF HIS WIFE made him make the call and was standing right next to him.

 

Yup, as a BW, if I found out the OW was trying to reach my H I would want him to put an end to it as nicely as possible. They have both obviously moved on. And, if that is true, he in sharing everything with his wife like it should be.

[Goldfsh79]

Yup, as a BW, if I found out the OW was trying to reach my H I would want him to put an end to it as nicely as possible. They have both obviously moved on. And, if that is true, he in sharing everything with his wife like it should be.

 

Trying to reach him?

 

I didn't call him. Asking someone about how a person is doing is not trying to reach them, and it was 6 months ago.

[herenow]

Trying to reach him?

 

I didn't call him. Asking someone about how a person is doing is not trying to reach them, and it was 6 months ago.

 

Is it possible that the co-worker just told him about your inquiry? Since he does live so far away. maybe they don't talk that much and he just found out.

 

Bottom line it sounds like he was very clear to you as to why he called. Wouldn't it be easier to just believe him and move on? Why do you feel the need to second guess what his intentions are when there is nothing you can do to change how he has told you he feels. It makes me sad that you seemed to be able to move on and this phone call has prevented your forward motion.

[herenow]

My biggest confusion is that you got closure. I see many OW on here longing for the phone call telling them that it's over just to be able to move on. You got that and now you are looking for it to mean more. Are you interested in this being over? Do you want closure? Or, are you looking for a reason to believe there is more?

[Summer Breeze]

As long as there is contact the love feelings remain alive. Contact can be flowers, looking at old photos, old emails, receipts from hotels, etc. Love is like an addiction for many people and the addiction will remain for ever as long as there is any kind of contact, no matter how subtle.

 

Furthermore, some folks cherish this feelings of addiction.

 

I suspect that folks that have the tendency to feel love like an addiction are also prone to have affairs.

 

As far as I'm concerned love doesn't just die. It mellows but it doesn't die. It doesn't need contact to still exist. Sorry but I disagree that the feelings will just go poof if photos, emails, cards disappear or are destroyed. If you're sitting there moping over them then yes it isn't healthy but I have cards from when I was a kid and I have all the emails that are to and from all sorts of important people in my life. It doesn't mean I sit and spend my days pining for them but it also doesn't mean I only love them still because the momentos exist. My xH was someone I didn't like by the time we were D but I still love him and probably will till the day I die. I love my first boyfriend and I have nothing left of him except some awesome memories. I wouldn't stop having feelings for MM if he stopped sending flowers. I may feel a little differently but I don't think so. I love getting them because it reminds me of some of the best times in my life but also because I know I made the right choice breaking it off. I like the fact that he sends them because it means I was right when I trusted his feelings for me. I've moved on from each and every one of the men I've had in my life. I don't regret a thing and while I might have fond memories and things I treasure from all sorts of relationships I don't linger in the past -- far too much living to do.

[Summer Breeze]

What I am trying to say is he headed off a problem at the pass. He knew you wanted to call him because you asked for his number. It's smart for him to call you and make sure you know where he stands. It does not matter that "there was no way to get his number". What matters is that your desire to get his number left unfinished business and he wanted to finish it.

 

Take what he said at face value and spend your time wondering about things that you have control of. You have no control of this situation with the MM no matter what he meant.

 

If he'd wanted to finish it he would have blocked his number. Him calling and divulging his number throws your theory right out the window. He was calling to make sure the path was still open even if he wasn't interested in it at that moment.

 

I agree that she has no control of MM and needs to let it go and concentrate on her life.

 

I also state again I really think you need to come clean with your H and move forward -- however it works out.

[Summer Breeze]

It doesn't matter if you called him or whether it was six YEARS ago. If his wife wanted him to call and/or if he wanted to do it to prove anything to her, it was going to happen at some point.

 

I never reconciled with anyone but logic dictates to me that after 6 months she wouldn't just have him call. It would have been done at a much earlier stage. If indeed he'd shared that she'd been in touch with a colleague and asked about him then I'd imagine the call would be WE are telling you it's done. These are just my assumptions. I can't imagine being a BS and after 6 months wanting to poke a stick into the bees nest. I also can't see if she was involved with the call that she wouldn't insist the number is blocked and that she wouldn't insist on being part of the show of unity by making it we and not me.

 

He's hedging his bets and keeping his options open.

 

Someone made a comment about the colleague not telling him for a long time because they may not have been in contact for a while. My take is that if they were close enough that the colleague knew about the A then the first thing he would have done is emailed or called MM to give him a heads up that she was asking about him. It comes back to, why wait 6 months and then contact her and divulge his number? She'd done nothing else and hadn't remotely been acting like a stalker.

[2sunny]

He didn't reciprocate like I wanted, I know. I know I should share this. What makes me frustrated is that he called me, yet I feel like I'm in the wrong here. I never asked for him to call me, I just asked his colleague how he was and if he had his London number. I never told him to have him call me, not once.

 

I'm taking ownership of my asking his colleague, but that is ALL I did. Like i said, it was only one time. His colleague asked me if he wanted me to tell him to call me and I said no. I just wanted to know if he was ok, but I never pressed the issue. It was a fleeting convo.

 

He called me for no reason. It's upsetting to be blamed for his action. I know I told him I loved ans missed him, should have never, but I was so shocked by his call because i assumed he hated me.

 

Let's be clear - he hates who he BECOMES when he's dealing with you = the man who cheats!

 

His assigned meaning to YOU is the cheater in him!

[Goldfsh79]

Why are you speaking directly for him? Are you a BS?

 

He may feel that way, you could say, but I don't think so because I knew him and he initiayed everything with me, he started this whole affair, I reciprocated. He was the first one to initiate sex, I love you, spending the night, dates. I tried to end it. So, to treat me like some crazy Glen Close replica is ridiculous.

 

I said goodbye to the affair 6 months ago. He decided to call me, no one put a gun to his head.

 

I'm not saying I'm a victim by any means, but neither is he.

[Goldfsh79]

I never reconciled with anyone but logic dictates to me that after 6 months she wouldn't just have him call. It would have been done at a much earlier stage. If indeed he'd shared that she'd been in touch with a colleague and asked about him then I'd imagine the call would be WE are telling you it's done. These are just my assumptions. I can't imagine being a BS and after 6 months wanting to poke a stick into the bees nest. I also can't see if she was involved with the call that she wouldn't insist the number is blocked and that she wouldn't insist on being part of the show of unity by making it we and not me.

 

He's hedging his bets and keeping his options open.

 

Someone made a comment about the colleague not telling him for a long time because they may not have been in contact for a while. My take is that if they were close enough that the colleague knew about the A then the first thing he would have done is emailed or called MM to give him a heads up that she was asking about him. It comes back to, why wait 6 months and then contact her and divulge his number? She'd done nothing else and hadn't remotely been acting like a stalker.

 

Exactly, its months later. Maybe when they first moved, a call like that makes sense, but 6 months later with no contact to call and say I don't want you to call me and my wife doesnt either....that makes no sense at all, logically speaking. He made the choice to call me. There was no reason for it. If he was so concerned about me contacting him, he wouldnt give me his new international number. I'm sure he would have given our colleague a message or emailed me if he was so worried I'd contact him.

 

Either way, I don't have all the answers to his behavior. Everything on this board is merely speculation, but the facts I do have show it was a call out of the blue, nothing provoked it but him wanting to call.

[rhw]

hahaha poor Glenn Close; no matter what roles she's ever played, she will *forever* be known as the unstable, psychotic bunny-boiler. (to her end, she played that character frighteningly well!)

 

i agree w/ you, Goldfsh; you went on living for half a year (!) before this phone call from him. no one, least of all you, forced his hand. from what you write, you moved forward (different from moving on, i think. it's possibly easier to move forward--by laws of physics--than it is to really move on) and did not harass him even remotely. he had *no* business calling you to say what you already knew.

 

would u like another hug?

 

i'm going to the gym. it doesn't ease the emotional despair i feel every day but at least i i look good.

[Goldfsh79]

hahaha poor Glenn Close; no matter what roles she's ever played, she will *forever* be known as the unstable, psychotic bunny-boiler. (to her end, she played that character frighteningly well!)

 

i agree w/ you, Goldfsh; you went on living for half a year (!) before this phone call from him. no one, least of all you, forced his hand. from what you write, you moved forward (different from moving on, i think. it's possibly easier to move forward--by laws of physics--than it is to really move on) and did not harass him even remotely. he had *no* business calling you to say what you already knew.

 

would u like another hug?

 

i'm going to the gym. it doesn't ease the emotional despair i feel every day but at least i i look good.

 

Yes, another hug!

 

I am okay with it all being over now but I know he needed closure just as I did. I know he needed to give me a "reason" for calling too in case I asked, which i did. He didn't want it to seem he called just because which is the only explanation. He also shared how he was doing and that kind of thing. He wasn't angry. He was maybe shocked I picked up I think. I'm glad we both got to say goodbye. His call wasn't centered around "don't call me." That was an after thought and was said to me as "good luck and lets not talk anymore, lets say goodbye" I know he needed the goodbye.