Don't understand this

[Goldfsh79]

The main reason I'm so curious about the call and meaning is because now I'm back to square one. I'm hurt, sad, frustrated, and missing him, just like 6 months ago. It's painful to work through your feelings and then bam, its like your progress meant nothing. I'm just looking for an understanding. It's not easy to just tell myself, who cares, get over it. It's very hard to do so when I was in love with this man. Some understsnding of his behavior helps me to heal.

[Artie Lang]

you grieve for him because you both still hold on the affair(secrecy). by telling your husband you blow it open-- no more secrets, no more "forbidden" love.

 

you need to come clean and complete the circle of redemption and reconciliation. these residual feelings will never pass as long as you hold them a secret.

[todreaminblue]

Hello everyone, I found this website via a friend and want to share my story and get some input as I don't understand the behavior the OM is showing to me.

 

I'm married and in my early thirties. I met OM at work. He is in a different department, but we did interact within our job. A little background: he is married with a small son (age 5), is from the UK (London), and transferred to the USA for his job. He told me he wanted experience in our Chicago office.

 

We started to interact about 1 year ago, and began a 6 month affair. I am just as guilty as him. I was unhappy in my marriage and he told me the same. We became intimate about 1 month into the affair and started spending a lot of time together. 5 months in, his wife found an email between us. He told me we have to end it. I fell in love with him as did he. He told me each day how much he loved me. I did try to end it within the 6 months, but not too hard. I always went back.

 

6 months in, we no longer speak. It's very hard. Month 7 approached and I go to work and see his desk cleared. I asked one of his close colleagues (who knew we were having an affair) and he tells me that he transferred back to London. In my heart, I know it was the right thing, but I also know his wife pressured him.

 

I try to call him, but his phone doesn't work and later I find out, he changed his number. I ask his colleague how he is doing and to get his number if he could--he tells me only if he wants to supply it. I tell him I understand--just want to tell him goodbye once and for all. I can't call his work number or email his work email because it would be unprofessional. I also find out he changed his private email.

 

I grieve for 6 months. I get over him as much as I can. I think I'll never hear from him again. I am hurt, but resilient.

 

6 months after he moves, I get a phone call from a strange number. I answer it and it's HIM! He proceeds the conversation like this, "Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."...........I'M SPEECHLESS. I tell him I miss him, love him, and he says, "Well, I'm married, what can we do about that? Oh yeah, don't call me ok?" I tell him nothing, and good luck, and bye.

 

After we get off the phoned, I'M FURIOUS!!!

 

I send him a text and tell him this, "Please don't ever call ME again. 6 months later and there is no reason for it. Have a nice life. Bye"

 

He doesn't respond, which is fine.

 

Why is he calling me 6 months later to tell me this??? When I already knew he moved and was fine. Why did he do this??

 

 

there are no answers to this riddle ....its better to be a Rubik cube in a monopoly box of cluedo....i am sorry it ended sometimes we all make really crappy decisions and you can chalk it up to well thats the last freakin time I allow myself to have hope the dead thing that is putrifying on the floor and giving off the stench of rotten flesh with maggots coming out of its ringhole is going to breath again...honestly would you give roadkill mouth to mouth resuscitation?????? we both know we wouldn't lets give it up together ....say with me now ....."ITS F U C K I N G ROADKILL" GOOD GIRL ...

 

 

now lets pick it up and send it express post it to the f u c k e r s

....i bags the head........its particularly ripe...smile ....i am kidding i only boil bunnies......let go move on shine that light..best wishes..deb

Edited August 1, 2012 by todreaminblue

[Happyface]

Goldfish,

 

You have done a lot of hard work for 6 months. It hasn't been wasted .

 

I think you x AP phoned because he did have feelings for you.

 

I have read that when an A is uncovered, a family will sometimes relocate for a fresh beginning. I feel that he wanted to let you know where he was and that he had to let go and get on with his own life.

 

I do not think he wants to keep his options open because he has relocated to a different country. That is just pushing the imagination a bit when he had a Dday.

 

I hope you and your husband can reconcile or agree to go your own ways.

 

Happyface.

[Summer Breeze]

I've been in love twice in my life and I have never fallen out of love with either of them. My xH hurt me desperately but I still love him and often wonder what I'd feel if I saw him again after all these years. I walked away from MM but he still sends flowers several times a year. Each time I get them I remember so many great things and I still feel that love for him. It doesn't tempt me to contact him and it doesn't stop me from living my life but it does validate my feelings. I loved him with all of my heart and he chose not to be with me but it never made me question his love. When I get the flowers it reminds me that the good was amazing and the breakup was hard on both of us. It validates my feelings and the time I spent with him because I know it was as important to him as it was to me.

 

We all need validation and quite frankly closure is a form of validation in itself.

 

My thoughts are this. He had no reason to call you months and months after you'd had the discussion with his colleague. He thought you would go bunny boiler on him. Huh? Where is that leap coming from? You agreed with his colleague about handing out his phone number and you chose not to use the obvious route of business calls or emails. How exactly does that say bunny boiler?

 

He called out of the blue. It was unprovoked and unnecessary. He made a conscious choice to call you for no reason at all. You had let it lie for months so what on earth was the necessity of his call?

 

I agree it was a weak moment on his part. I think your reaction was your heart and mind being surprised and put into over drive. Of course you still love him and hearing his voice out of the blue probably put your hearts voice into action before your brains. He probably expected a stonewall response from you. I would figure your reaction surprised him as much as his did you.

 

I don't blame you for being furious either. You've gone months into your healing and then all of a sudden he's calling up because months ago he was told you asked about him. Right. Sure. He wanted contact with you for his own closure and validation. The problem is he did it at your expense. You have every right to be furious.

 

Now it's done. You've each made your decisions and now you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get on with your life. I think you're right though. You need to tell your H so you have no more secrets. I'm a believer that if you get caught as opposed to confessing it means you really aren't remorseful. You are only recovering from getting caught. Don't do that. Tell him and let your healing really begin now.

[woinlove]

Do you know when the colleague passed on your request to him? They might have felt uncomfortable doing that at the time, but then your name was mentioned or enough time passed and it seemed less awkward. That could explain the time lapse.

 

You probably realize you can't know for sure what is in xOM's head from posts on this thread, all you have are scenarios that you think most likely. I firmly believe you should think whatever helps you move on. If one or more of the posts here mention something that makes you feel like you could move on easier, then go with that. xOM may be wondering himself why he called if he is a man given to impulse and not much introspection into underlying motives.

 

Don't let 6 months of moving on go wasted. Run with the motivation that gives you a hint of peace now and know that by doing so, you are choosing a happier and more peaceful future. Once you have fully moved on, it will be clear that it doesn't matter. Closure comes from within, but that may include an interpretation for now of external events - like his phone call.

[woinlove]

 

I plan to tell my husband because I want to make our marriage better. I know it would be the best thing for me to do.

 

I applaud your decision on this and wish you the best. Some marriages don't survive the truth, but I don't think one can have a strong and intimate M while keeping up such deception.

[road]

 

I grieve for 6 months. I get over him as much as I can. I think I'll never hear from him again. I am hurt, but resilient.

 

6 months after he moves, I get a phone call from a strange number. I answer it and it's HIM! He proceeds the conversation like this, "Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."...........I'M SPEECHLESS. I tell him I miss him, love him, and he says, "Well, I'm married, what can we do about that? Oh yeah, don't call me ok?" I tell him nothing, and good luck, and bye.

 

After we get off the phoned, I'M FURIOUS!!!

 

 

 

So your furious for what???????????????????????????????????

 

For being another sex toy for a married man?

 

OM will say anything to get laid.

OM will keep saying anything to keep getting laid.

Your OM away from his BW was not going to go without sex for 6 months so he found some one to believe his lines and do him.

 

As I said a sex toy. OM with a maturity of a child. As all children get bored with a toy. Put that toy down and move on to another toy.

[Goldfsh79]

So your furious for what???????????????????????????????????

 

For being another sex toy for a married man?

 

OM will say anything to get laid.

OM will keep saying anything to keep getting laid.

Your OM away from his BW was not going to go without sex for 6 months so he found some one to believe his lines and do him.

 

As I said a sex toy. OM with a maturity of a child. As all children get bored with a toy. Put that toy down and move on to another toy.

 

He wasn't away from his wife. She lived here too. If it was just sex he wanted, there would be no reason to call me 6 months later to tell me he's okay and doing fine and good luck in my future. Sex wasn't the core of our relationship. It was emotional first. I'm married as well so you could say that he was my sex toy if you believe that's all I cared about, but it wasn't.

[nofool4u]

So if you are truly wanting and working on the marriage, why didn't you tell him to F off and never call you again, instead of wondering why he called?

[2sunny]

He wasn't away from his wife. She lived here too. If it was just sex he wanted, there would be no reason to call me 6 months later to tell me he's okay and doing fine and good luck in my future. Sex wasn't the core of our relationship. It was emotional first. I'm married as well so you could say that he was my sex toy if you believe that's all I cared about, but it wasn't.

 

Of course it wasn't just sex...

 

But you should tell your husband that.

 

This victim role you play is working for you. Take a look at it - YOU are the victim of YOUR CHOICES!

 

YOU are responsible for THAT! Stop blaming HIM!

[2sunny]

Or sometimes folks just think SO MUCH of themselves that they don't consider how they cause harm to those they say they love.

 

Love has very little to DO with what one SAYS - and everything to do with what someone DOES.

 

If it isn't loving behavior - it never looks like love to me ---> no matter what someone TELLS me.

 

Love is an action word.

[2sunny]

So if you are truly wanting and working on the marriage, why didn't you tell him to F off and never call you again, instead of wondering why he called?

 

No - she didn't - quite the contrary.

 

That shows you she's not in the marriage one bit.

[Goldfsh79]

So if you are truly wanting and working on the marriage, why didn't you tell him to F off and never call you again, instead of wondering why he called?

 

I did tell him this. If you look at my prior posts. After we ended our conversation, I text him and told him to never call me again and have a nice life.

[nofool4u]

Then there you have it, focus on your husband.

[Goldfsh79]

Then there you have it, focus on your husband.

 

That is what I'm trying to do. Just trying to deal with this setback which is his phone call. I was doing great, and now I'm feeling down. It's been a tough road.

[rhw]

Goldfsh- i know i would feel the same way. i am not even there yet, though in baby steps, i am trying to be. if you saw my thread, then you know i'm really struggling, still in the thick of it. but i imagine that once i'm doing what i've always wanted to do (he knows about my goal and has always fully believed i'd make it happen and i'm thisclose) and living my life far away from him, i will find it much easier to emotionally distance myself from my MM. since he handled this exit out of my life in such a devastating, cowardly way, i owe it to myself to pick up the pieces and move on and accept things as they are, like you have. so i can only imagine that once i'm out there on the other side of the country, living my dream, being around new people and a new high-energy environment, if he were to suddenly contact me after any length of time, i would be RIGHT where you are now. when i'm out there living my life, him walking out on me w/o a word is not going to matter as much. so if he were to suddenly email out of the f'ing blue to explain and then tell me, "please don't contact me, ok" i would be as distraught as you are.

 

(hugs).

[Goldfsh79]

You only told him to never call you again because he didn't reciprocate when you told him you loved and missed him.

 

Don't forget to tell your husband the FULL conversation. Tell your husband what you said to MM. Telling him MM called and making yourself look like you were "victimized" without disclosing that little detail is cruel and NOT authentic.

 

 

He didn't reciprocate like I wanted, I know. I know I should share this. What makes me frustrated is that he called me, yet I feel like I'm in the wrong here. I never asked for him to call me, I just asked his colleague how he was and if he had his London number. I never told him to have him call me, not once.

 

I'm taking ownership of my asking his colleague, but that is ALL I did. Like i said, it was only one time. His colleague asked me if he wanted me to tell him to call me and I said no. I just wanted to know if he was ok, but I never pressed the issue. It was a fleeting convo.

 

He called me for no reason. It's upsetting to be blamed for his action. I know I told him I loved ans missed him, should have never, but I was so shocked by his call because i assumed he hated me.

[herenow]

This is what he said:

 

"Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."

 

That is what he meant.

 

I think you are trying to make the call something it's not. He obviously heard from the co-worker that you were trying to reach him. IMO, it is smart of him to call you and make it clear where he stands before you got his number and called him. I would imagine he now feels there is no threat of you calling (even if you have his number) since he was so clear with you. You are the one that expressed a desire to talk to him. He told you that was the reason for his call. He told you everything you need to know. There is nothing cryptic or vague about his call. Take it at face value. He was being honest with you because you asked.

[Goldfsh79]

Goldfsh- i know i would feel the same way. i am not even there yet, though in baby steps, i am trying to be. if you saw my thread, then you know i'm really struggling, still in the thick of it. but i imagine that once i'm doing what i've always wanted to do (he knows about my goal and has always fully believed i'd make it happen and i'm thisclose) and living my life far away from him, i will find it much easier to emotionally distance myself from my MM. since he handled this exit out of my life in such a devastating, cowardly way, i owe it to myself to pick up the pieces and move on and accept things as they are, like you have. so i can only imagine that once i'm out there on the other side of the country, living my dream, being around new people and a new high-energy environment, if he were to suddenly contact me after any length of time, i would be RIGHT where you are now. when i'm out there living my life, him walking out on me w/o a word is not going to matter as much. so if he were to suddenly email out of the f'ing blue to explain and then tell me, "please don't contact me, ok" i would be as distraught as you are.

 

(hugs).

 

Thanks for this. I think unless you are in the thick of it,

Its hard to know how you would react. It's hard to feel healed and happy and then have him call for no reason and tell me things I already know. If he called for a specific reason, maybe it would be easier, but I don't know. I hope you can heal. Good luck to you.

[nofool4u]

He called me for no reason. It's upsetting to be blamed for his action.

 

You aren't getting blamed for his action.

 

You are getting blamed for your REaction.

 

 

I know I told him I loved ans missed him, should have never, but I was so shocked by his call because i assumed he hated me.

 

If you truly are wanting your husband and marriage, it shouldn't matter what he thinks of you. Hence the fact that you care so much about what he thinks indicates you don't hold your marriage sacred, and your H is working on things for nothing.

[Goldfsh79]

This is what he said:

 

"Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."

 

That is what he meant.

 

I think you are trying to make the call something it's not. He obviously heard from the co-worker that you were trying to reach him. IMO, it is smart of him to call you and make it clear where he stands before you got his number and called him. I would imagine he now feels there is no threat of you calling (even if you have his number) since he was so clear with you. You are the one that expressed a desire to talk to him. He told you that was the reason for his call. He told you everything you need to know. There is nothing cryptic or vague about his call. Take it at face value. He was being honest with you because you asked.

 

If his main concern was to make sure I never got his number, he would have never called. He would have told his colleague to tell me he never wanted to talk to me. With his conflict avoidance behavior (transferring without telling me), it makes no sense to call me 6 months later to tell me how he is and have a great life. There was no way for me to get his number without him giving it to me.

[Goldfsh79]

You aren't getting blamed for his action.

 

You are getting blamed for your REaction.

 

 

 

 

If you truly are wanting your husband and marriage, it shouldn't matter what he thinks of you. Hence the fact that you care so much about what he thinks indicates you don't hold your marriage sacred, and your H is working on things for nothing.

 

It only matters so I can let go. It's a nagging feeling and its hard. I'm in therapy and can hopefully work through it.

[herenow]

If his main concern was to make sure I never got his number, he would have never called. He would have told his colleague to tell me he never wanted to talk to me. With his conflict avoidance behavior (transferring without telling me), it makes no sense to call me 6 months later to tell me how he is and have a great life. There was no way for me to get his number without him giving it to me.

 

What I am trying to say is he headed off a problem at the pass. He knew you wanted to call him because you asked for his number. It's smart for him to call you and make sure you know where he stands. It does not matter that "there was no way to get his number". What matters is that your desire to get his number left unfinished business and he wanted to finish it.

 

Take what he said at face value and spend your time wondering about things that you have control of. You have no control of this situation with the MM no matter what he meant.

[herenow]

Yes, it DOES make sense. He knew exactly how you would respond should he contact you, especially since he knew you were looking for him after he left.

 

Your MM wanted an ego boost. I don't know how much more obvious it can be. You can't see it because you're still in the fog.

 

He wanted a boost. You gave him a HUGE boost.

End of story.

 

Or, he wanted to make sure there would be no further problems for him and his marriage. So, he called to be honest and put an end to any speculation she may have about the situation. Yet, here we are speculating. Isn't it possible that he, plain and simple, meant what he said?