Don't understand this

[Goldfsh79]

Hello everyone, I found this website via a friend and want to share my story and get some input as I don't understand the behavior the OM is showing to me.

 

I'm married and in my early thirties. I met OM at work. He is in a different department, but we did interact within our job. A little background: he is married with a small son (age 5), is from the UK (London), and transferred to the USA for his job. He told me he wanted experience in our Chicago office.

 

We started to interact about 1 year ago, and began a 6 month affair. I am just as guilty as him. I was unhappy in my marriage and he told me the same. We became intimate about 1 month into the affair and started spending a lot of time together. 5 months in, his wife found an email between us. He told me we have to end it. I fell in love with him as did he. He told me each day how much he loved me. I did try to end it within the 6 months, but not too hard. I always went back.

 

6 months in, we no longer speak. It's very hard. Month 7 approached and I go to work and see his desk cleared. I asked one of his close colleagues (who knew we were having an affair) and he tells me that he transferred back to London. In my heart, I know it was the right thing, but I also know his wife pressured him.

 

I try to call him, but his phone doesn't work and later I find out, he changed his number. I ask his colleague how he is doing and to get his number if he could--he tells me only if he wants to supply it. I tell him I understand--just want to tell him goodbye once and for all. I can't call his work number or email his work email because it would be unprofessional. I also find out he changed his private email.

 

I grieve for 6 months. I get over him as much as I can. I think I'll never hear from him again. I am hurt, but resilient.

 

6 months after he moves, I get a phone call from a strange number. I answer it and it's HIM! He proceeds the conversation like this, "Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."...........I'M SPEECHLESS. I tell him I miss him, love him, and he says, "Well, I'm married, what can we do about that? Oh yeah, don't call me ok?" I tell him nothing, and good luck, and bye.

 

After we get off the phoned, I'M FURIOUS!!!

 

I send him a text and tell him this, "Please don't ever call ME again. 6 months later and there is no reason for it. Have a nice life. Bye"

 

He doesn't respond, which is fine.

 

Why is he calling me 6 months later to tell me this??? When I already knew he moved and was fine. Why did he do this??

[Owl]

Perhaps he wanted closure...or thought that you needed it.

 

But...it doesn't matter WHY...all that matters now is that you know it's over, you learn from what's happened, and you move on.

 

You barely mention your own marriage...perhaps turning your focus to that relationship can help you move on past the end of this one.

[TigerCub]

Hey Goldfish,

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

 

You ask why is he calling 6 months after he moved? Maybe its because he heard from the friend that you wanted to say a final goodbye and it took him 6 months of pondering to finally decide to call you.

 

His calling now, doesn't mean anything special (I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound hurtful, but I would hate for you to dwell on it and think it has meaning)

 

He seems really committed to keep his wife happy and move on.

 

I hope that you look into yourself and your marriage and see what lead to all this and how it all can be fixed.

 

Do you want to stay married?

Does your husband know or suspect anything? If not, do you plan not telling him?

 

What do you want for the future?

 

Maybe focusing on your own path will help keep your mind off your xOm.

[jwi71]

I think you freaked him out.

 

He got busted, ended the A and moved far away w/o warning.

 

Then you reach out to him "for closure" via this mutual friend.

(after all , we don't know exactly what the friend said to MM or how often or what impressions he gave to MM)

 

My guess would be, and is, he sees you as a bunny boiler and a further threat to his M so he calls to placate you. To minimize the threat to his M. Just in case you track him down and further upset his M.

Edited July 31, 2012 by jwi71
Spelling

[nofool4u]

Why is he calling me 6 months later to tell me this??? When I already knew he moved and was fine. Why did he do this??

 

Don't know.

 

The real question is are you taking steps to set your husband free?

[woinlove]

Hello everyone, I found this website via a friend and want to share my story and get some input as I don't understand the behavior the OM is showing to me.

 

I'm married and in my early thirties. I met OM at work. He is in a different department, but we did interact within our job. A little background: he is married with a small son (age 5), is from the UK (London), and transferred to the USA for his job. He told me he wanted experience in our Chicago office.

 

We started to interact about 1 year ago, and began a 6 month affair. I am just as guilty as him. I was unhappy in my marriage and he told me the same. We became intimate about 1 month into the affair and started spending a lot of time together. 5 months in, his wife found an email between us. He told me we have to end it. I fell in love with him as did he. He told me each day how much he loved me. I did try to end it within the 6 months, but not too hard. I always went back.

 

6 months in, we no longer speak. It's very hard. Month 7 approached and I go to work and see his desk cleared. I asked one of his close colleagues (who knew we were having an affair) and he tells me that he transferred back to London. In my heart, I know it was the right thing, but I also know his wife pressured him.

 

I try to call him, but his phone doesn't work and later I find out, he changed his number. I ask his colleague how he is doing and to get his number if he could--he tells me only if he wants to supply it. I tell him I understand--just want to tell him goodbye once and for all. I can't call his work number or email his work email because it would be unprofessional. I also find out he changed his private email.

 

I grieve for 6 months. I get over him as much as I can. I think I'll never hear from him again. I am hurt, but resilient.

 

6 months after he moves, I get a phone call from a strange number. I answer it and it's HIM! He proceeds the conversation like this, "Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."...........I'M SPEECHLESS. I tell him I miss him, love him, and he says, "Well, I'm married, what can we do about that? Oh yeah, don't call me ok?" I tell him nothing, and good luck, and bye.

 

After we get off the phoned, I'M FURIOUS!!!

 

I send him a text and tell him this, "Please don't ever call ME again. 6 months later and there is no reason for it. Have a nice life. Bye"

 

He doesn't respond, which is fine.

 

Why is he calling me 6 months later to tell me this??? When I already knew he moved and was fine. Why did he do this??

 

Try not to let him calling you throw you off from all you have gained by moving on. He may have called just because he was having a low day and wanted an ego boost, which hearing you still love him might have given him. You can be almost certain he called for selfish reasons so you have a right to be angry. But, steel your resolve again and move on and be happy without him.

[2sunny]

It was over and you weren't/aren't accepting that it's over. Same goes for your marriage.

 

Divorce your husband - he deserves a woman that only focuses on HIM!

[Goldfsh79]

I'm just so angry because I had moved on, and now,I'm back to square one!

 

He had no reason to call me. I didn't have his number and then he calls me (giving me his number). If he was so against me calling him back, why call me with your number? Why does he still have MY number?? Wouldn't he have deleted it? I deleted his.

 

I feel like he's trying to dig the knife deeper, make me feel bad or jealous.

 

I did tell him a few times that I wanted it to end and that i loved my husband. He was furious. He never even spoke of his wife at all and now he is calling to say good luck, I'm married, I love my wife, etc. How dare he!! He is trying to exact revenge on me it feels.

 

My husband and I are doing fine. He doesn't know about the affair, but we are in counseling because we have struggled in the past. I love him and am not going to let OM ruin anything. I'm just so angry he felt the need to call me. Why didn't he just call right after i asked his colleague about him? 6 months ago!

 

He also had the nerve to tell me on the phone that his marriage is "different" and I wouldn't understand.

[woinlove]

I'm just so angry because I had moved on, and now,I'm back to square one!

 

He had no reason to call me. I didn't have his number and then he calls me (giving me his number). If he was so against me calling him back, why call me with your number? Why does he still have MY number?? Wouldn't he have deleted it? I deleted his.

 

I feel like he's trying to dig the knife deeper, make me feel bad or jealous.

 

I did tell him a few times that I wanted it to end and that i loved my husband. He was furious. He never even spoke of his wife at all and now he is calling to say good luck, I'm married, I love my wife, etc. How dare he!! He is trying to exact revenge on me it feels.

 

My husband and I are doing fine. He doesn't know about the affair, but we are in counseling because we have struggled in the past. I love him and am not going to let OM ruin anything. I'm just so angry he felt the need to call me. Why didn't he just call right after i asked his colleague about him? 6 months ago!

 

He also had the nerve to tell me on the phone that his marriage is "different" and I wouldn't understand.

 

I wish you success in your counselling. I think when you have moved on and are over this, you will look back and see how absurd it is to be having this "fight" with your xAP over who loves their spouse more, who is more married or married differently or whatever. Really, affairs can be crazy making and I hope you get well beyond this state soon. Personally, I don't think I could have the type of marriage I want and need (with lots of intimacy) with this kind of critical deception continuing (hiding your A). I'm not sure how well counselling can work hiding all this from the counsellor either. But I hope you find what you need.

[Goldfsh79]

OM is simply keeping his options. If one day you are in the neighborhood he could always have sex with you again. That is all!

 

OM also wanted a bit of external validation. He needed reaffirmation and to know you were still hot for him. In fact that is why MM have affairs---------to reaffirm their manhood.

 

But he lives in a different country! Why is he holding on to us? I accepted it was over. I made peace with it. I cried and said ok its over. He is so full of himself if he thinks I would call him ever. I know he is still into me because why call? Why keep my number? I don't get him at all.

[whichwayisup]

But he lives in a different country! Why is he holding on to us? I accepted it was over. I made peace with it. I cried and said ok its over. He is so full of himself if he thinks I would call him ever. I know he is still into me because why call? Why keep my number? I don't get him at all.

 

As I told someone else on another thread in this section, a situation that sounds much like your situation and who actually could be your MM.. Anyway who cares? You both are married. You both chose your spouses. Life goes on.

 

Let it go, trying to figure out the why's and how's of this will drive you nuts. Focus on your husband and fixing things with him rather than caring about why some guy across the world felt the need to get an ego stroke from you. At the end of the day what counts is how YOU feel, not him.

[nofool4u]

I'm just so angry because I had moved on, and now,I'm back to square one!

 

He had no reason to call me. I didn't have his number and then he calls me (giving me his number). If he was so against me calling him back, why call me with your number? Why does he still have MY number?? Wouldn't he have deleted it? I deleted his.

 

I feel like he's trying to dig the knife deeper, make me feel bad or jealous.

 

I did tell him a few times that I wanted it to end and that i loved my husband. He was furious. He never even spoke of his wife at all and now he is calling to say good luck, I'm married, I love my wife, etc. How dare he!! He is trying to exact revenge on me it feels.

 

My husband and I are doing fine. He doesn't know about the affair, but we are in counseling because we have struggled in the past. I love him and am not going to let OM ruin anything. I'm just so angry he felt the need to call me. Why didn't he just call right after i asked his colleague about him? 6 months ago!

 

He also had the nerve to tell me on the phone that his marriage is "different" and I wouldn't understand.

 

If you aren't going to tell your husband the truth, and you are under the guise of working on your marriage, then the answers to your questions shouldn't be of any concern to you.

 

Work on your marriage, or don't. And please, don't talk about other people having "the nerve"

[Stoneman70]

Hi Goldfish, I'm in a situation similar to you....

 

As a man, I know for me, I don't call women unless I have feelings for them. I think this OM wants validation....and wants to hear your voice...and I'm sure still loves you despite what he may say. He may be keeping options open too, or feels bad about leaving.

 

I called my MW because I missed her...

[Goldfsh79]

Look at what you did when he left.

 

You knew he picked up and left without telling you because his wife found an email and yet you still called him. He changed his number and STILL you asked your co-worker to get his new number for you so you could call him. You even tried to email him.

 

Maybe he gave it a few months because he predicted you probably wouldn't get the hint when he packed up and left without telling you. He probably figured six months later you could handle a conversation.

 

BUT there you go telling him you love him and miss him when he calls you six months later?? And then you get "FURIOUS" because he doesn't respond the same way?

 

Let's get real - you wouldn't be furious had he told you he missed and loved you too.

 

To clarify, he didn't change his number, he had to get a new phone because his didn't work overseas. I called his original number the day I found out he left, and his colleague told me he had to get a new phone. The email part I'm not sure of however. When I inquired to his colleague about his new number, he said I should just let him call me, he didnt feel right giving it out, and I agreed. I asked his colleague ONE time about him, and then let it go.

 

I grieved for about 4 months, and said goodbye to him in my heart. He then calls me 6 months later...and now the hurt is back and I hate it. I shouldn't be furious I guess, but I jusy wish if his sole purpose was to tell me good luck and bye, he could have done it right arter he left and washed himself clean of this.

 

What I find odd is he a) kept my number and b) made an international call to tell me pointless things..

 

I plan to tell my husband. I need to.

[East7]

OM is simply keeping his options. If one day you are in the neighborhood he could always have sex with you again. That is all!

 

OM also wanted a bit of external validation. He needed reaffirmation and to know you were still hot for him. In fact that is why MM have affairs---------to reaffirm their manhood.

 

I am sick of reading this kind of caricatural simplistic B.S.

[East7]

 

6 months after he moves, I get a phone call from a strange number. I answer it and it's HIM! He proceeds the conversation like this, "Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."...........I'M SPEECHLESS. I tell him I miss him, love him, and he says, "Well, I'm married, what can we do about that? Oh yeah, don't call me ok?" I tell him nothing, and good luck, and bye.

 

After we get off the phoned, I'M FURIOUS!!!

 

I send him a text and tell him this, "Please don't ever call ME again. 6 months later and there is no reason for it. Have a nice life. Bye"

 

He doesn't respond, which is fine.

 

Why is he calling me 6 months later to tell me this??? When I already knew he moved and was fine. Why did he do this??

 

I guess you are trying to read too much into his words. He was told you wanted to contact him and one day he decided to call for closure.

 

My guess is also that he is not completely over you unless he wouldn't bother to call. The same can be said about you, you are not over him yet and you need to accept it.

 

Swinging from "I love you, I miss you" to anger shows that you have merely suppressed the feelings but they came to the surface as soon as there is a contact between you. Absence amplifies the effect.

 

You two were in a cake-eating position. You never wanted to be with OM in a real and honest relationship, so why are you upset ? A clear indicator would be : would you want to be with xOM if he was available for you ?

If the answer is No, then you wanted him for selfish reasons and have no reason to blame him more then yourself.

 

Let it go..

[East7]

You need to explain the BS in greater detail.

 

B.S. didn't mean betrayed spouse, if that can help...

[2sunny]

But he lives in a different country! Why is he holding on to us? I accepted it was over. I made peace with it. I cried and said ok its over. He is so full of himself if he thinks I would call him ever. I know he is still into me because why call? Why keep my number? I don't get him at all.

 

Because YOU iniated the contact by telling your co worker to HAVE HIN CALL YOU! That's why!

 

YOU did this to YOU!

 

Stop questioning and blaming him - blame yourself!

 

If you don't expect to communicate - then don't ever respond EVEN IF he reaches out!

 

YOU can only control YOU - yet I doubt you will completely cut all ties even at this juncture.

 

You seem to love the victim role - take a look at the fact that YOU crete all this drama.

 

And are you planning to divorce?

[frozensprouts]

do you want it to mean anything? if not, does it really matter why he did it? Best just to let it go and move on...don't allow this to set you back.

[SoMovinOn]

I would guess he did it because he heard you were asking about him, asking for his number, etc. I get the impression he wanted you to stop.

[scatterd]

I agree with Alice I was thinking the same thing why after so long did you go into saying how much you love and miss him. I would have seen what he had to say after 6 Months. After all he left you without away to get a hold of him to save his marriage. If he calls againI would not answer. Move on and fix your marriage youwill end up happier.

[2sunny]

I have a head time thinking that you don't understand it!

 

You did this. You did it by chasing after him after he made it perfectly clear that he didn't intend to communicate anything - not even that he was leaving! THAT should have told YOU EVERYTHING! Yet YOU pursued HIS number.

 

You must not be good at reading signals...

[Emme]

6 months after he moves, I get a phone call from a strange number. I answer it and it's HIM! He proceeds the conversation like this, "Hi, how are you? I'm calling to tell you I live in London now. My colleague said you asked about me so I thought I would call. I'm doing well. I just called to tell you that, and good luck with your life."...........I'M SPEECHLESS. I tell him I miss him, love him, and he says, "Well, I'm married, what can we do about that? Oh yeah, don't call me ok?" I tell him nothing, and good luck, and bye.

 

After we get off the phoned, I'M FURIOUS!!!

 

I send him a text and tell him this, "Please don't ever call ME again. 6 months later and there is no reason for it. Have a nice life. Bye"

 

He doesn't respond, which is fine.

 

Why is he calling me 6 months later to tell me this??? When I already knew he moved and was fine. Why did he do this??

 

I am trying to figure out your reason for fury. Your AP tonal response would help in my assessment but I will assume he wasn't rude. If he was rude the conversation would have went differently.

 

Don't ask why. If you ask why, then you would also have to blame yourself and ask why couldn't you let the relationship go. You wanted contact with him through a third party. You opened a door that was shut. He answered late, that's all. If you want to allow this to harm you that's your choice. You can take it as though he cared enough to give a f*ck to call you. Take it for what it is. He closed the door once, you rang the bell. He answered, cleared the air and told you not to ring the bell again. Now you're banging on the mans door with your text message. Let it go and walk away.

 

Don't take his action as trying to hurt you. Take it as though he gave you closure. Some women never get that. If you can't handle this type of pain may I suggest that if he ever rings your doorbell, make sure he has the wrong address.

[chalkfarm]

People are being so mean to you....

 

Goldfsh, I think you are right. He called because he cares and he was thinking of you. How many old boyfriends have you just called up out of the blue? My guess would be only the ones that you have fond feelings for and those with whom you had a real attachment. Am I right?

 

Yes, it might very well have been a moment of weakness for him. But it seems to me that the chances were much greater that you would have "ripped him a new one" than that you would have stroked his ego. I think he was missing you.... he took a chance and called, realized it was a mistake but couldn't take the call back. And thus, the "I'm married" biz.

 

I'm really sorry he called. I am really sorry he set you back. But if there is any justice in this world, the call greatly affected him too.

 

Good luck and try to look past the meany responses.

[Goldfsh79]

People are being so mean to you....

 

Goldfsh, I think you are right. He called because he cares and he was thinking of you. How many old boyfriends have you just called up out of the blue? My guess would be only the ones that you have fond feelings for and those with whom you had a real attachment. Am I right?

 

Yes, it might very well have been a moment of weakness for him. But it seems to me that the chances were much greater that you would have "ripped him a new one" than that you would have stroked his ego. I think he was missing you.... he took a chance and called, realized it was a mistake but couldn't take the call back. And thus, the "I'm married" biz.

 

I'm really sorry he called. I am really sorry he set you back. But if there is any justice in this world, the call greatly affected him too.

 

Good luck and try to look past the meany responses.

 

Thank you for this chalkfarm. This is what I think too. I understand I need tough love here,

but I'm not trying to get back together with him,I just want to understand why he is calling me 6 months AFTER we last talked. If to just call me because his colleague said I wad asking about him, well it doesn't take a lot of sense to do that 6 months later and if you didn't care about someone. I know he would expect me to be angry so I agree that he knew i wouldn't just stroke his ego. I was angry with him, and his response was "well, now you know I'm here, I'm okay" I also think he called because he missed me and then felt guilty for doing so. When we where together, there were times we got into arguments because we both knew we shouldn't be together and took a day or two off saying this is wrong, and we shouldn't talk. I initiated it many times with him being upset. I know in a way, how much I hurt him, he responded by hurting me. It was a very intense 6 months.

 

I plan to tell my husband because I want to make our marriage better. I know it would be the best thing for me to do.