Losing it today, Doctor appt in an hour... need to gain control again

[ImASadPanda]

I have a doctor’s appointment with my general health care doctor who has been prescribing the Zoloft, klonopin and Xanax. I didn’t think I would get through the weekend with the number of anxiety attacks I had on top of the general pacing of the apartment and feeling like I could go outside. I was starting to have major concerns about my mental stability and that maybe these medications were not helping at all. I planned on calling first thing Monday morning, and I did, to get an Rx refill, knowing they would need me to come in since I just got prescribed the Klonopin and they do a check shortly thereafter to make sure you are doing okay on it. To my surprise though yesterday, I felt somewhat ok – the ex still clouded my mind, and I was still pretty much in a laptop coma once I got home from the office. I tried not taking any of the prescriptions to go to bed, and tried just the ZzzQuil I picked up, and by 2am, (went to bed at 9:15pm) I was still not asleep and had finished a new bottle of wine. I still was second guessing the need to talk to my doctor about uping or changing the meds though since yesterday, by and large, was fairly emotionally even.This morning … not the same story. I’ve been completely inundated with thoughts and what if’s and questions of how I am supposed to meet someone else (I know I shouldn’t be thinking about that right now, but again, you can’t control your heart and brain), and as I was sitting, trying to do some work, an image of our trip to Amsterdam popped into my head and triggered a reaction about 30 minutes ago, I sat crying and breathing heavy and fumbling through my stupid oversized purse for the Xanax, which was only making me feel more and more like an animal stuck in a trap that I couldn’t find the stupid bottle. Took the Xanax, tried slowing my breathing down, and after 20 minutes or so, now am not crying, and am breathing, and am writing this I can’t stop it … even with how emotionally neglectful and controlling he was, it’s like I am somehow brainwashed and now truly believe that it’s worth suffering that to have the picture perfect relationship.

 

I’m not a vain person by any definition, often embarrassed of compliments. But I almost think all his emphasis on appearances, and he would jokingly say “I wonder when people see us, who they think is more attractive” and it didn’t help that everyone we introduced each other to, family, friends, the owner of the barn I ride at … ALL compliment us with “oh you two are a beautiful couple” or something about how pretty the kids would be or especially on my side I would get “oh he’s hot, or handsome or wow what a great smile” with a don’t let that one get away. I wish I knew how to post a picture on here or something, but you would see how the appearances and happy expressions would never lead you to believe he was a selfish, self-centered, controlling, emotionally neglectful man, or that I was in any way shape or form unhappy. All of this has me truly believing that I have screwed this up somehow, failed to keep this “perfect” relationship (perfectly broken), and that most women would have killed to be in my shoes in terms of having the ‘dream’ boyfriend.My mind can’t unwrap from “yes he treated you like crap, but you could get use to that, and you would have a beautiful life and relationship, you just need to find other things to meet your emotional needs while he is focused on himself, that’s not so hard to do."

 

It’s wrong, I know it. My appointment is at 1:30 and I am not sure what to tell her, to tell her I think I am losing it, to tell her I am sleeping until 6pm on weekends, but up til 5am on weekdays. That I think I must have fallen and smacked my head on the concrete because rational me is trying to convince myself of the truth but the other part of me is clinging to these dreams and hope of fixing this and that he will miss me and come back around, and in the meantime it is eating me alive and keeping me from going outside, seeing anyone else, keeping me from being able to get back to a healthy weight… do I ask her to just give me something to numb my feelings, so I can actually process all this subconsciously and consciously not be tearing myself apart. I’ve gone so far as to even think of getting a dog so I am forced to go on long walks, outdoors, to the park, whatever. (I have a small dog now, doxie, and she doesn’t walk well anymore, and doesn’t go on “walks” per se. She goes to do her business and then sits down so I know she is done and to pick her back up to go inside).

 

What do I tell her? What don’t I tell her?

Edited July 31, 2012 by ImASadPanda

[lvixen]

First of all, stay off the booze because it is a depressant and will only make you more depressed! TRUST ME on this! Also only take the klonopin when you're having extreme anxiety or a panic attack; don't take it otherwise, because it's addictive and you can become tolerant to it. Also it doesn't help you to cope.

 

As for your sleep pattern, try going to bed an hour earlier every night, so if you normally go to bed at 5 am the next night go to bed at 4 am, the next 3 am, until you end up going to bed at a reasonable time on weekdays (10 pm to 12 am usually). Stay away from things that will excite you before you go to bed and sure as hell stay away from reminders of your ex, that will not lead to a good night's sleep!

 

As for your ex, it wasn't very nice of him to say something like that to you, he really sounds like he was full of himself. Sounds a lot like my ex as well. But just remember that you ARE beautiful, inside and out, and deserve a lot better than that crap. And keep up with NC!

 

Good luck.

[Mr Scorpio]

In my opinion, this...

 

My mind can’t unwrap from “yes he treated you like crap, but you could get use to that, and you would have a beautiful life and relationship, you just need to find other things to meet your emotional needs while he is focused on himself, that’s not so hard to do."

 

Plus this...

 

What do I tell her? What don’t I tell her?

 

Means you should tell her that you need a referral to a mental health professional of one sort or another. From what you've posted previously, you've worked too hard to get where you are. Too hard to let this iron-pumping, neglectful, abusive meathead interfere with it. It frustrates me just thinking about the guy. He is the sort that us "nice guys" complain about. He probably had barbed-wire tattoo on his tricep. Probably had Maxim hair gel. Probably called you "babe" and his friends "bros". Did he drive a jeep with a "Fear This!" logo on the spare-tire holder?

[ImASadPanda]

In my opinion, this...

 

 

 

Plus this...

 

 

 

Means you should tell her that you need a referral to a mental health professional of one sort or another. From what you've posted previously, you've worked too hard to get where you are. Too hard to let this iron-pumping, neglectful, abusive meathead interfere with it. It frustrates me just thinking about the guy. He is the sort that us "nice guys" complain about. He probably had barbed-wire tattoo on his tricep. Probably had Maxim hair gel. Probably called you "babe" and his friends "bros". Did he drive a jeep with a "Fear This!" logo on the spare-tire holder?

 

Funny enough, no, no tattoos, no meatheat jigs of weightgain protein crazy GNC crap... Both of us, very professional in appearance, no markings or piercings, BMW (but not flashy, it was his first BMW after undergrad so it's a 2003... He frankly was a bit uncomfortable for some reason that mine was a newer, nicer one, sportier one 335 with twin turbo chargers and sport package love my car ... But by no means do I have a silver spoon stuck in my mouth. Grew up in a trailer for 10 years and an apartment until I was 18, then got my own place and knew I would bust my @ss to do better for myself, pay for college since family could not pay for it, and have a real home, nice things and happiness one day).

 

I don't think he fits the "bad boy" mold that most good guys hate. He's the type that on the outside, you and everyone you know thinks u struck gold, but in private is emotionally unstable and unable to realize other people exist besides himself, and thus is almost unable to be faulted for his naive self-centered neglectful treatment of his partner. It makes it worse because no one sees how he truly is except me, because he is the person I want him to be for me, but he is only that person for everyone else ... Me, I was told that because I'm his girlfriend he knows I will always bend and compromise when he has decisions to make between me and something/someone else.

 

 

It's horrid because I still believe my heart wants that sham relationship, and to learn how to deal with the neglect, and just shut down emotionally and be the perfect Better Homes and Gardens girlfriend and wife and hostess. The illusion of perfection is somehow still appealing ... And of course a tiny piece of me is still holding onto hope that if I maintain NC, that he will get to see how lonely his life is without me, and that I was truly a selfless and accommodating gf. With his schedule, he will have a difficult time finding someone new to date ... He doesn't realize that, maybe he will appreciate the sacrifices I made to endure the weekly travel and masters program and just be content if I got to sleep next to him two days a week.

[todreaminblue]

I have a doctor’s appointment with my general health care doctor who has been prescribing the Zoloft, klonopin and Xanax. I didn’t think I would get through the weekend with the number of anxiety attacks I had on top of the general pacing of the apartment and feeling like I could go outside. I was starting to have major concerns about my mental stability and that maybe these medications were not helping at all. I planned on calling first thing Monday morning, and I did, to get an Rx refill, knowing they would need me to come in since I just got prescribed the Klonopin and they do a check shortly thereafter to make sure you are doing okay on it. To my surprise though yesterday, I felt somewhat ok – the ex still clouded my mind, and I was still pretty much in a laptop coma once I got home from the office. I tried not taking any of the prescriptions to go to bed, and tried just the ZzzQuil I picked up, and by 2am, (went to bed at 9:15pm) I was still not asleep and had finished a new bottle of wine. I still was second guessing the need to talk to my doctor about uping or changing the meds though since yesterday, by and large, was fairly emotionally even.This morning … not the same story. I’ve been completely inundated with thoughts and what if’s and questions of how I am supposed to meet someone else (I know I shouldn’t be thinking about that right now, but again, you can’t control your heart and brain), and as I was sitting, trying to do some work, an image of our trip to Amsterdam popped into my head and triggered a reaction about 30 minutes ago, I sat crying and breathing heavy and fumbling through my stupid oversized purse for the Xanax, which was only making me feel more and more like an animal stuck in a trap that I couldn’t find the stupid bottle. Took the Xanax, tried slowing my breathing down, and after 20 minutes or so, now am not crying, and am breathing, and am writing this I can’t stop it … even with how emotionally neglectful and controlling he was, it’s like I am somehow brainwashed and now truly believe that it’s worth suffering that to have the picture perfect relationship.

 

I’m not a vain person by any definition, often embarrassed of compliments. But I almost think all his emphasis on appearances, and he would jokingly say “I wonder when people see us, who they think is more attractive” and it didn’t help that everyone we introduced each other to, family, friends, the owner of the barn I ride at … ALL compliment us with “oh you two are a beautiful couple” or something about how pretty the kids would be or especially on my side I would get “oh he’s hot, or handsome or wow what a great smile” with a don’t let that one get away. I wish I knew how to post a picture on here or something, but you would see how the appearances and happy expressions would never lead you to believe he was a selfish, self-centered, controlling, emotionally neglectful man, or that I was in any way shape or form unhappy. All of this has me truly believing that I have screwed this up somehow, failed to keep this “perfect” relationship (perfectly broken), and that most women would have killed to be in my shoes in terms of having the ‘dream’ boyfriend.My mind can’t unwrap from “yes he treated you like crap, but you could get use to that, and you would have a beautiful life and relationship, you just need to find other things to meet your emotional needs while he is focused on himself, that’s not so hard to do."

 

It’s wrong, I know it. My appointment is at 1:30 and I am not sure what to tell her, to tell her I think I am losing it, to tell her I am sleeping until 6pm on weekends, but up til 5am on weekdays. That I think I must have fallen and smacked my head on the concrete because rational me is trying to convince myself of the truth but the other part of me is clinging to these dreams and hope of fixing this and that he will miss me and come back around, and in the meantime it is eating me alive and keeping me from going outside, seeing anyone else, keeping me from being able to get back to a healthy weight… do I ask her to just give me something to numb my feelings, so I can actually process all this subconsciously and consciously not be tearing myself apart. I’ve gone so far as to even think of getting a dog so I am forced to go on long walks, outdoors, to the park, whatever. (I have a small dog now, doxie, and she doesn’t walk well anymore, and doesn’t go on “walks” per se. She goes to do her business and then sits down so I know she is done and to pick her back up to go inside).

 

What do I tell her? What don’t I tell her?

 

 

tell her everything you should be journaling. A notebook by your bedwrite down what comes into your head bad thoughts, good thoughts, fears dreams everything how you are feeling, what you are eating what sites you visit how you feel when you communicate with people what you like what you dont like absolutely everything because when you are on meds you forget the little stuff, it is the little stuff that is important you need to give your doctor an idea of where you are at.Do not drink at all it counter effects the medication you are on so you are actually not on anything at all that can be dangerous and foolhardy........I have been on medication a long time and probably will be unless god picks up the phone so I tell you out of personal experience that keeping a journal is your best friend ........good luck ...best wishes....deb

[ImASadPanda]

I don't like the idea of seeing a therapist, for two reasons, 1) my new job includes security clearances and this will be investigated and scrutinized, and 2) I have seen one before many years ago when I was not coping well with cancer, treatment, etc. In my mind, they can't tell me anything I don't already know. It's very easy for me to separate myself from my situations and objectively look on as a third party (that is where rational me comes forth), so I can tell myself, these are the triggers, these are the wrong ways to deal with this, these are the right ways, here are things you need to be trying, go outside, be active, do not keep putting myself in the same situations where I am met with the emotional tiggers (but as my other post said, I am practically living in my emotional trigger right now, my apartment).

 

On the other hand, I almost want to go see a therapist because I feel like this is too long, this is 8 weeks, and I am not pulling it together. I woke up at 10, going to work remotely from home today, and by 10:24, Started crying out of nowhere. I'm about to get put on a new project at work and I can't be like this ...

 

I hate him, I hate that he thinks he is so important that I needed to wrap my life around him, and i hate that he succeeded in making me feel like that, and I hate that he is not crawling back to me and apologizing for everything he has put me through... I hate crying I am so tired of this.

[Zammo25]

On a scale of 1 to 100 of reacting badly to a break up you are a 99. I worry you are the brink of a complete nervous breakdown. You are totally overreacting to the situation. You are a beautiful, intelligent, successful young Woman so why are you letting this idiot ruin your life ?

[ImASadPanda]

On a scale of 1 to 100 of reacting badly to a break up you are a 99. I worry you are the brink of a complete nervous breakdown. You are totally overreacting to the situation. You are a beautiful, intelligent, successful young Woman so why are you letting this idiot ruin your life ?

 

 

I know, I KNOW I am not handling this well, I can't get a grip and let go of things ... I can't let go of the houses we were looking at, I can't let go of being in his family's Christmas photos, I can't let go of the perfect, happy looking photos we took and we had in both of our apartments (yes they are all down), I can't let go that on paper, this was supposed to be a perfect fit, and that because he couldn't simply just appreciate all the compromising and bending and flexing i did for him, and stop trying to make me be happy with the idea of being a content little house wife, giving up my career, or riding horses ... I have been sitting in my living room having fits every 5 minutes for no reason at all. Who else is going to put up with his travel schedule and working out priorities, and his highly sensitive emotional state, knowing that you have to word things oh so carefully so as not to upset and set off a string of reactions... who else besides me is going to put up with all that crap, and still make it all look good on the outside. He is going to be alone, just like he was when I found him ... but I told him I saw potential and wouldn't give up on him because he can be this amazing person in personal relationships that he is everywhere else in his life. But what I got for it ... for trying to help him, for pointing out his weaknesses and how we can strengthen them... I got dropped out of nowhere. His career, and his success is not going to be there when he gets home at night to pour him a glass of wine, and go to bed with him ... but that's all he sees right now is what he wants and this relationship was not a priority, despite the million times he told me his biggest fear was being alone, and not finding someone to start a life with... why then if that is his biggest fear, did he not DO anything to keep it, to have a person in his life that has massive fault of being loyal and dedicated without question ... I would have never left him, I don't walk away from problems, I work through them, but he chose to make his own fear come true. Now there is no one dropping him off at 5am at the airport, or picking him up at 7:20, or catering to his school and workout schedule, and submerging themselves in his family and friends because he doesn't want to venture outside of his world, there is no one waiting for him when he comes home, or making dinner while he goes to the gym ... now he is alone, and its not what he wants, he has said it time and time again since we broke up, but he is too stubborn to admit he was wrong. I was telling him he still cares and he still wants this and he is just scared and he just has to try and start a new relationship and show that I am a valuable part of his life and he will have everything he wants again ... and he just won't do it ... his pride is too hurt, and he feels that we can't "go back and fix what we have damaged" ...

 

I am not handling this well ... I don't want to be in my home, I don't want to be outside, I am crying all the time despite the meds, everything reminds me of the future we planned and now its all ruined and I cant let it go, all the visual images of moments in the future haunt me every day and I don't know how a person can just GIVE UP on something, can walk out, throw their hands up, and say I am not willing to work on this. You don't promise someone that you will never go anywhere... you will always be there, and then be the one to turn around and walk away because its too hard to carve out a tiny piece of your life to be focused on someone else and what is good for the relationship rather than being self-centered 100% of the time.

 

I can't do this ... I am not getting better, and I can't imagine meeting someone else, and I feel old, this was supposed to be my last relationship, this was it, everything fit, and the timeline fit, and I can't accept this failure. I feel like it is going to crush me and daily I feel closer to snapping because there is NO logical reason that he couldn't have just stopped being so selfish and given me what TINY LITTLE BIT of reassurance I wanted that I was an important part of his transient lifestyle... that I was a fixture, and not just another hotel-like amentity... here when he needed me, and off his mind when he left.

 

I am >< this close to losing it ... I don't feel like I can find a better match than that, and I had all these images and dreams of this Better Homes and Gardens, *Executive Edition* lifestyle ... I can keep a home, and cook, and entertain, and keep my significant other happy while we both have fulfilling, successful careers ... the f*cking images won't just go away ... I want them so badly, and I KNOW he still does too but he doesn't think it can be fixed and doesn't want to try. He is a leaver ... he didn't want to try, and committed everything to him...

[Zammo25]

I know, I KNOW I am not handling this well, I can't get a grip and let go of things ... I can't let go of the houses we were looking at, I can't let go of being in his family's Christmas photos, I can't let go of the perfect, happy looking photos we took and we had in both of our apartments (yes they are all down), I can't let go that on paper, this was supposed to be a perfect fit, and that because he couldn't simply just appreciate all the compromising and bending and flexing i did for him, and stop trying to make me be happy with the idea of being a content little house wife, giving up my career, or riding horses ... I have been sitting in my living room having fits every 5 minutes for no reason at all. Who else is going to put up with his travel schedule and working out priorities, and his highly sensitive emotional state, knowing that you have to word things oh so carefully so as not to upset and set off a string of reactions... who else besides me is going to put up with all that crap, and still make it all look good on the outside. He is going to be alone, just like he was when I found him ... but I told him I saw potential and wouldn't give up on him because he can be this amazing person in personal relationships that he is everywhere else in his life. But what I got for it ... for trying to help him, for pointing out his weaknesses and how we can strengthen them... I got dropped out of nowhere. His career, and his success is not going to be there when he gets home at night to pour him a glass of wine, and go to bed with him ... but that's all he sees right now is what he wants and this relationship was not a priority, despite the million times he told me his biggest fear was being alone, and not finding someone to start a life with... why then if that is his biggest fear, did he not DO anything to keep it, to have a person in his life that has massive fault of being loyal and dedicated without question ... I would have never left him, I don't walk away from problems, I work through them, but he chose to make his own fear come true. Now there is no one dropping him off at 5am at the airport, or picking him up at 7:20, or catering to his school and workout schedule, and submerging themselves in his family and friends because he doesn't want to venture outside of his world, there is no one waiting for him when he comes home, or making dinner while he goes to the gym ... now he is alone, and its not what he wants, he has said it time and time again since we broke up, but he is too stubborn to admit he was wrong. I was telling him he still cares and he still wants this and he is just scared and he just has to try and start a new relationship and show that I am a valuable part of his life and he will have everything he wants again ... and he just won't do it ... his pride is too hurt, and he feels that we can't "go back and fix what we have damaged" ...

 

I am not handling this well ... I don't want to be in my home, I don't want to be outside, I am crying all the time despite the meds, everything reminds me of the future we planned and now its all ruined and I cant let it go, all the visual images of moments in the future haunt me every day and I don't know how a person can just GIVE UP on something, can walk out, throw their hands up, and say I am not willing to work on this. You don't promise someone that you will never go anywhere... you will always be there, and then be the one to turn around and walk away because its too hard to carve out a tiny piece of your life to be focused on someone else and what is good for the relationship rather than being self-centered 100% of the time.

 

I can't do this ... I am not getting better, and I can't imagine meeting someone else, and I feel old, this was supposed to be my last relationship, this was it, everything fit, and the timeline fit, and I can't accept this failure. I feel like it is going to crush me and daily I feel closer to snapping because there is NO logical reason that he couldn't have just stopped being so selfish and given me what TINY LITTLE BIT of reassurance I wanted that I was an important part of his transient lifestyle... that I was a fixture, and not just another hotel-like amentity... here when he needed me, and off his mind when he left.

 

I am >< this close to losing it ... I don't feel like I can find a better match than that, and I had all these images and dreams of this Better Homes and Gardens, *Executive Edition* lifestyle ... I can keep a home, and cook, and entertain, and keep my significant other happy while we both have fulfilling, successful careers ... the f*cking images won't just go away ... I want them so badly, and I KNOW he still does too but he doesn't think it can be fixed and doesn't want to try. He is a leaver ... he didn't want to try, and committed everything to him...

 

Look at the articulate and passionate way you write. Let me tell you something there are a 100, a 1000, 10000 men who would take his place TODAY to be with you. He is simply not worth it. You say " you are too old ! I am fuc*ing nearly 50 but I still hold out hope the Woman of my dreams who will understand and accept me for who I am is out there and will come into my life one day. I am a decent , honest and loyal guy. Just because my ex could not see that at the end does not make it untrue. PLEASE try and calm down and move on from this guy as no one is worth what you are doing to yourself. NO ONE !

[The Tallest One]

Imasadpanda, you have to listen to yourself! Your talking about an image, an idea of a perfect relationship! But the problem is that this was not your reality! Your bf is a douchbag who doesn't deserve a second of your time! You can't change people and people who are so self absorbed and self centered rarely if ever change!

 

My father was this way and he always put himself first no matter the affect it had on my Mom! Your so fixated on an idea. Your so wrapped up in how things looked on the outside, but inside you know you deserve better! We can't control what others do, only how we react!

 

Trust me, you will get through this and in time be so thankful that jerkboy is no longer a part of your life. Why settle for someone like him? Why sell yourself short? Why accept his overly sensitive emotional makeup? Do you not feel you have a right to be appreciated and loved and cherished?

 

Make you priority number one! Screw him and his work schedule, his oh so important existance! The hell with him! He doesn't deserve you and what you did for him! Sadly people like us who are so supportive, who give so much of ourselves get dumped or forgotten!

 

Life is trying to show you something you need to see! God is helping you learn an important lesson! Honor yourself by taking care of you and only you! Put him out of your head for good! You need help and that's ok! We all stumble at times but we gain strength from our struggles!

 

You need a good sleep schedule, good eating habbits, no booze, talk to family and friends and professionals! Exercise, get out and be around people. Staying inside won't make things better! Change your attitude and replace your images of your so called perfect life with jerkboy and replace it with something positive!

 

Get busy getting better!