beenburned Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I have read several posts by WS that have said one reason they cheated on their spouse was that they couldn't be their authentic self in their marriage. What exactly does the spouse or marriage have to do with you not being your authentic self around them?
Silly_Girl Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I have read several posts by WS that have said one reason they cheated on their spouse was that they couldn't be their authentic self in their marriage. What exactly does the spouse or marriage have to do with you not being your authentic self around them? Sometimes the WS isn't aware there's anything 'wrong' until they meet someone else.
Author beenburned Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 SG, It is not about anything being wrong or right in the marriage. I want to know why the WS can't be his authentic self in his marriage. What exactly is stopping him? 1
96nole Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Does that mean my ex couldn't be an authentic whore in the marriage? OK, that makes sense. 7
Spark1111 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Hmm....I think it is easy to be your true authentic self when their is NO expectations of a future together, only the here and now in these stolen hours away from our realities. How great does that sound? There is nothing to disagree about; nothing to negotiate or compromise or self-sacrifice for: just me gazing into your adoring eyes as you gaze into mine as we wish for more time together. No interruptions, crying kids, barking dogs, backed-up toilets, car repairs. Just candles, and sexy lingerie, and back rubs and telling your football injury story to a fascinated audience for the very first time. There are no judgements, bill-paying, house chores, child-rearing, sick parents or the myriad of daily acts that can allow arguments, resentments, fatigue, or bickering. I can be whatever I want to be and you can too in the affair. We have no expectations of each other; hell, we do not really know each other, just what is presented when we see each other. The perpetual perfect third date. If no relied on me, had expectations of me, demanded I uphold my end of our responsibilities.....well, then no one can find any reason to be disappointed or annoyed with me. I am free, free, free to be my always happy, charming, unfiltered, brilliant, and quintessentially perfect self mirroring back the adoration I see in my lover's eyes. What a wonderful fantasy. 8
analystfromhell Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I'd say this (mainly) comes from the female part of heterosexual couples- at least that's what immediately popped into my head on reading this. Granted, this could be a bit of prejudice rearing its head but that being said "couldn't be myself" is code for "grass is greener". The equivalent for men I guess is that the wife was a nag, spendthrift or a whore or whatever other negative label might be placed on her. Men, it seems, are presumed to "be themselves" as their freedom to act is presumed. Females conversely, are presumed to be subservient or at least mildly suffering- the stereotype manifests itself with stupid husbands on sitcoms, presumptions of support and so on. So the social code words reflect these stereotypes and the language people use to justify their actions reflects this also. When we want to do something, which if we were honest with ourselves, is primarily selfish, we need to dismiss that selfishness within ourselves and I'd say using these code words is part of the process- our supportive friends hear it and respond appropriately, "Oh you're so right!" and so on until we sleep well at night and move on- most likely to repeat the process in another relationship. 5
Spark1111 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I'd say this (mainly) comes from the female part of heterosexual couples- at least that's what immediately popped into my head on reading this. Granted, this could be a bit of prejudice rearing its head but that being said "couldn't be myself" is code for "grass is greener". The equivalent for men I guess is that the wife was a nag, spendthrift or a whore or whatever other negative label might be placed on her. Men, it seems, are presumed to "be themselves" as their freedom to act is presumed. Females conversely, are presumed to be subservient or at least mildly suffering- the stereotype manifests itself with stupid husbands on sitcoms, presumptions of support and so on. So the social code words reflect these stereotypes and the language people use to justify their actions reflects this also. When we want to do something, which if we were honest with ourselves, is primarily selfish, we need to dismiss that selfishness within ourselves and I'd say using these code words is part of the process- our supportive friends hear it and respond appropriately, "Oh you're so right!" and so on until we sleep well at night and move on- most likely to repeat the process in another relationship. Great post! The only one who can truly know if I am being my authentic self....is ME. So the question that beggars is, if I AM NOT my authentic self with this partner, why is that so? What can I do to fix it? If I cannot fix it, why am I still here? 2
Author beenburned Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Exactly! Why does this person feel they can't be their authentic self around their spouse? And are their perceptions wrong?(especially if they never voice their concerns) I read one post that said they were denying their authentic self because of the marriage/spouse. A person chooses what they reveal about themselves to others. 2
Spark1111 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Exactly! Why does this person feel they can't be their authentic self around their spouse? And are their perceptions wrong?(especially if they never voice their concerns) I read one post that said they were denying their authentic self because of the marriage/spouse. A person chooses what they reveal about themselves to others. Of course! And their projections too! And many a person brings their messed up family of origin with them. So, if my wife asks me to take out the garbage, do I hear the voice of my nagging mother or the same tone as my father's disapproval? Do I then project that emotion onto my spouse and harbor resentment? Could be. When I see my AP and we have no responsibilities to manage with each other; when all we have is uninterrupted interludes of undivided attention with no expectations or obligations, HOW could that not be....perfection. There is NO basis of actions by which to assess true character. An affair seems to me to be ALL idealization, with no daily grit thrown in to muddy the fantasy. So I can connect with a co-worker over some stupid topic and be absolutely charming and scintillating and fabulous. Truly authentic and impressive. But if that same co-worker woke me up at 2 a.m to take care of a sick baby, well.....I'm sure his opinion of my perceived perfection would change very rapidly. 3
BetrayedH Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Sometimes the WS isn't aware there's anything 'wrong' until they meet someone else. Or perhaps there wasn't anything wrong with the marriage until the marital history was rewritten sufficiently to mentally justify betraying it. 11
Spark1111 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Exactly! Why does this person feel they can't be their authentic self around their spouse? And are their perceptions wrong?(especially if they never voice their concerns) I read one post that said they were denying their authentic self because of the marriage/spouse. A person chooses what they reveal about themselves to others. And like dating, it is ONLY the very best aspects of their personalities. C'mon! Does anyone ever divulge to their paramour, I forget to pay the bills and take out the trash? I never call my parents, am often flagellant, dislike my BIL, get comfy with the remote and ignore my spouse, but then get angry when he/she nags me? Of course not. Haven't read it here ever, not once. Now THAT would be being authentic. 6
mercy Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 HA! I just wrote in another thread that you can't live a lie and be your authentic self. Too funny! Being your authentic self is being true and honest to yourself and to others. How can any of that happen when you are lying to yourself and others? It takes a brave person to be their authentic self. It takes a coward to live a lie. 4
mercy Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 And like dating, it is ONLY the very best aspects of their personalities. C'mon! Does anyone ever divulge to their paramour, I forget to pay the bills and take out the trash? I never call my parents, am often flagellant, dislike my BIL, get comfy with the remote and ignore my spouse, but then get angry when he/she nags me? Of course not. Haven't read it here ever, not once. Now THAT would be being authentic. bwwwahahahaa I'm glad I wasn't drinking when I read this!!!
96nole Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Or perhaps there wasn't anything wrong with the marriage until the marital history was rewritten sufficiently to mentally justify betraying it. Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! And when the OM/OW help them rewrite it, it makes it that much easier to justify. Quote from my ex after the 1st D-day: "he brainwashed me" 3
96nole Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 "They can't be their authentic selves" Nothing is stopping them. That is just a great big lie used by the WS to blame shift to the BS. The WS doesn't want everyone to think they are just a cheater or a liar. So they make up this baloney in hopes that everyone will feel sympathy for them. It's just another lie. 4
Furious Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I have read several posts by WS that have said one reason they cheated on their spouse was that they couldn't be their authentic self in their marriage. What exactly does the spouse or marriage have to do with you not being your authentic self around them? If being authentic requires that you cheat, is like comparing vinyl versus leather, vinyl being the low cost imitator.
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Sometimes the WS isn't aware there's anything 'wrong' until they meet someone else. Then they should either fix the marriage or divorce. Why even bother to get married or stay married if one feels that they can't be themselves or authentic with their spouse? 1
96nole Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Then they should either fix the marriage or divorce. Why even bother to get married or stay married if one feels that they can't be themselves or authentic with their spouse? Because is just a bullsh*t excuse. "I can't be my authentic self" = I don't want people to think I'm a whore "I just need my space" = I want to keep f*cking the other person Unless their "authentic self" is someone who truly wants to sleep around with as many people as possible, it's just a lie. 2
drifter777 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Does anyone ever divulge to their paramour, I forget to pay the bills and take out the trash? I never call my parents, am often flagellant, dislike my BIL, get comfy with the remote and ignore my spouse, but then get angry when he/she nags me? Of course not. Haven't read it here ever, not once. Agree. And I think when those imperfections, or real life as I like to say, intrude on the fantasy the bubble bursts and the WS is left with 2 relationships that aren't working. At that point I think those WS's that are confident their spouse is a reliable back-up plan are willing to risk coming clean to the BS to reestablish their base of emotional and sexual security. Those that fear their spouse will divorce them continue to hide things and probably take up with another AP. Either way, I don't think that the psychological issues that motivated the cheater are ever "cured". At best the WS can remain abstinent from screwing other people, but they are who they are. Total conjecture on my part, but it feels right or at least plausible. P.S. I don't think you meant "flagellant". Autocorrect strikes again!
Silly_Girl Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 SG, It is not about anything being wrong or right in the marriage. I want to know why the WS can't be his authentic self in his marriage. What exactly is stopping him? I didn't say 'wrong in the marriage'. I said 'wrong'.
Silly_Girl Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Then they should either fix the marriage or divorce. Why even bother to get married or stay married if one feels that they can't be themselves or authentic with their spouse? What if they didn't feel that when they got married? Thought that being dutiful was the full extent of life? 1
stillwater Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I have read several posts by WS that have said one reason they cheated on their spouse was that they couldn't be their authentic self in their marriage. What exactly does the spouse or marriage have to do with you not being your authentic self around them? I can have a dark and/or dirty side to my sense of humor that my xGF didn't share or really approve of, so I wouldn't share a lot of jokes with her I found funny. A lot of things she found funny didn't really do it for me. I wanted to try things in the bedroom that she called "weird", which just immediately shuts me down to suggesting other things down the road. Or if I tried some dirty talk it would make her laugh and that was just a turn-off to me, so I never did it even though I wanted to. ^ There are a couple easy examples from day-to-day life in my old relationship. Basically it just boils down to incompatibility IMO. If you choose to stay with someone that you're incompatible with, at least one of you has to change to make things work -- i.e. not be your authentic self. Is it a reason/excuse to cheat? Of course not. 2
GLDheart Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 That is like saying you're being fake if you swear around buddies but watch your mouth around children and family. Is the potty mouthed you the "authentic" person? Are you being more fake swearing it up around your buddies? Or is the real you somehwere in between? I really don't have a problem with adapting to your surroundings. If someone has to adapt too much to make things work that pressure may have a backlash. I think that is what the OP is really asking about. However, If you simply can't accept some concessions you should remain single. That brings us right back around to cake eating: Staying in the relationship for the comfort and security yet going outside the relationship for the freedom (to be your authentic self) like you are single. 4
Author beenburned Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 Silly girl, There will always be people we are more compatible with over others , as we travel life's long journey. I have no problem with people who divorce because they want to live an authentic lifestyle. The people I do have a problem with are the ones that deliberately waste their spouses lives after they realize this fact. I really don't think there is such a thing as a perfect spouse with whom we are completely compatible. 1
stillwater Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 That is like saying you're being fake if you swear around buddies but watch your mouth around children and family. Is the potty mouthed you the "authentic" person? Are you being more fake swearing it up around your buddies? Or is the real you somehwere in between? Perhaps you didn't like my examples, but surely you admit that relationships require compromise, and if one partner is compromising too much, they're not being their true selves and it's going to lead to problems. What if one partner wants kids and the other doesn't? However, If you simply can't accept some concessions you should remain single. That brings us right back around to cake eating: Staying in the relationship for the comfort and security yet going outside the relationship for the freedom (to be your authentic self) like you are single. The people I do have a problem with are the ones that deliberately waste their spouses lives after they realize this fact. I agree 100%.
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