Ducky23 Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 I'm back.. Totally and completely shattered. I took a hiatus to work on fixing my relationship with my sons dad after DDay. He was always angry. Which I completely understand. Through full disclosure, and to prove I ended A before he found out, I had to show him my original post. Then he started stalking them. He was even more crazy possessive and controlling than before. Last Friday night everything came to a head. We had a huge blowout fight and he came after me. Grabbed me by the throat and I went completely crazy. Lost it. The only other time he came at me with the intention of hurting me was on our DDay. When he broke into my phone and found out about MM. Now, after the fight, after I fought with myself to keep him in the loop, opened myself to give full disclosure and answer all of his questions.. That was really really hard for me. I'm a very private person and opening everything to scrutiny was unbelievably hard. And then he just.. Disappeared. He says I pushed him too far and made him a monster. He told me we should "be friends". That's it. Nothing to work out, nothing left to fix. But we need to be friends. My son isn't his biologically, but he calls him "dad". His real father has never seen him and told me point-blank "if it's mine, keep it away from me and my family. I want nothing to do with it." (his ex was pregnant and he left me after he found out to be with her. Surprise! He got me pregnant too.) so.. After resigning myself to full disclosure and offering couples therapy (which he agreed to and then ignored), all of this happens. So I'm broken. I put everything I had into rebuilding a relationship with this man, we even dated for two weeks, and then.. As soon as I decide "okay, I can do this. I can be with him." BAM! It's all gone to Hell. Last night I started drinking again. After 3 days of crying and not eating. Today I've cleaned and cleaned and started moving into the office.. I made dinner. He didn't come. I'm drinking again. And MM is just a phone call away. And I'm seriously tempted to push those buttons. My next therapy appointment isn't for another 8 days. And I don't know wtf to do..
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Put down the booze and step away from the phone. DO NOT call exMM. That's suicide and NO good can come of this. Call your T tomorrow and ask her for an earlier appointment, that it's an emergency. If that can't happen then post here, vent etc.. Again, DO NOT reach out to your exMM. That would be a huge mistake.
Author Ducky23 Posted July 31, 2012 Author Posted July 31, 2012 But it feels like dying.. I try not to think about it so I won't cry. So I can eat. So I can sleep. but I'm stuck here. I've got almost no hours at work for the next two weeks and I've got nowhere else I can go. I'm home all day alone and he's out doing god knows what. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost. I don't even know What I'm thinking most of the time. I feel like.. I don't know. Quitting? I don't want to care. I want it all to just go away. I'm tired of crying.
stillwater Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Can you call your therapist? Mine gave me a cell number to call in case of an emergency. Sounds to me like this might qualify. Otherwise, do anything you can to get your mind off it. Get some exercise. Crank up the radio and go for a drive. Go wander around a store, or a park. Call a friend. Write out a rant of what you'd like to say to these guys, but DON'T send it! Keep posting here. You'll get through it! 1
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